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Old 11-25-2006, 10:59 AM   #1
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Default Close Encounter of the Haskell Kind

Eddie Haskell was strolling down Grant Avenue in what he hoped was a non-chalant fashion. Most people figured that he was up to something even when he wasn't, but, today, they would have been right. Creepy thing is, thought Eddie to himself, I don't WANT to do it! He knew he would, though. He would wind up watching himself doing it like it was what he most wanted to do in the world; all the while vainly screaming to himself on the inside to stop. Eddie no longer had a will of his own.
A few hours before he had been out at Friend's Lake with his father, supposedly to learn how to be a better fisherman, but had been such a smart-aleck that Mr. Haskell had sent him to get more bait. As Eddie poked sadly along, he heard a strange noise growing louder and louder. What he saw when he looked up made his mouth fall open. A flying saucer, pulsing with a soft purple light was landing directly in front of him. He stood, rooted to the spot in fear, as the door slid open and a tall, incredibly thin alien emerged. The alien approached Eddie, giving him a disdainful look.
"What manner of creature are you?," it asked. Eddie wasn't quite sure how to answer and it must have shown because the alien repeated, "What are you?!"
"a man"
"a man?"
"well, almost a man, I guess. I'm human, anyway."
The alien seemed to think about this for a minute and then it suddenly looked Eddie right in the eye.
"What do you want?," it said. The questions were obviously becoming harder.
"Wha--?," Eddie began, but nothing more came out.
"Oh Gradnik!," it exclaimed, "I hate dealing with these inferior species! WHAT-DO-YOU-WANT? You can have ANYTHING you want."
The last part made Eddie snap to attention.
"I can have anything I want?! Really?"
"When we, um, explore planets, it is our custom to grant a favor to the first one of the inhabitants that we encounter."
Eddie's fear was beginning to thaw; he had an angle now.
"Look here, Sam, you're telling me that I can have anything I want? anything in whole world, huh?"
"Yes. Anything."
"Can you make me a real big shot...maybe the most important guy in the whole world?"
The alien motioned to another and a bottle was produced.
"Drink from this, human creature, and your wish will be fulfilled."
Eddie took the bottle and, smiling, took a large swallow. He felt a sensation of warmth run through his body and then...well...nothing. He started to speak, but the alien cut him off.
"It is done. Now the test----touch your nose." Eddie watched his hand rise up and touch his nose like it had a life of its own.
"Tell me you are grateful that I control you now." Eddie felt his fear returning and turning to terror. He tried desperately to say that he didn't like this, to plead to be let go, but it came out a very relaxed and sincere-sounding, "I am so grateful that you control me now."
"Good," said the alien. "Now, return to the other human creature, but take this with you." The alien held out a large purple capsule. "When you return to your city, you will introduce this to their supply of water and they will become like you."
Eddie felt a wave of dread and horror overtake him, but all he said was "I am honored you have chosen me for this task." He even smiled.

And so here he was, strolling down Grant Avenue, heading for the water tower, wishing someone would kill him before he made it there. Along the way, he tried to throw himself in front of cars, tried to smash store windows, tried anything. Of course, he just kept strolling, his face showing not a care in the world. June Cleaver saw him from accross the street as he passed the hardware store and thought "Well, for once, Eddie looks like he's behaving himself."

Eddie arrived at the tower and, without hesitation, began to climb the metal ladder. He was thankful when a man from the Water Dept. tried to stop him, but that quickly evaporated as he saw himself hit the man with a large rock, killing him. After he dropped the capsule in, Eddie wanted nothing more than to jump from the top of the tower, but, of course, he returned to the alien for further instructions.

The next day Eddie found himself adored by all the citizens of Mayfield. They thanked him repeatedly and profusely for leading them to a new and better way of life. He knew that on the inside they were burning with hatred toward him for what he had done to them, but he was a famous hero, a big shot. His wish had come true.
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Old 11-26-2006, 02:26 PM   #2
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hmmmm...sounds more like an episode of The Outer Limits to me...
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Old 02-18-2007, 02:53 PM   #3
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Awesome man..........
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Old 04-06-2007, 11:45 AM   #4
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Surprisingly, I got a couple of requests to repost the above story. I was just playing around with a really weird idea and never thought it was anything, but here it is again.....with sincere apologies to Mosher and Connoly...
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Old 05-09-2007, 11:02 AM   #5
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A friend recently gave me a very funny book called "The Beaver Papers: The Story of the Lost Season" by Will Jacobs and Gerard Jones. It has several bizarre mock scripts in the styles of famous authors like Jack Kerouac, John Steinbeck, Samuel Beckett, Tennessee Williams, Ingmar Bergman, Feodor Dostoevsky, Franz Kafka, etc. and it made me think of MadScientist's odd story------MS, have you read this book??

Anyway, I definitely recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it.

It's hysterical.
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Old 05-10-2007, 10:58 AM   #6
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Hi Everybody! I was doing a Google search on the Munsters and found Sitcoms Online. What a great idea to have forums like this! I love so many old TV shows it's going to be hard to decide where to post next.

Bonsai: I read the book you're talking about back in 1983. An artist I knew at the time left it out on a table in his studio and I wound up borrowing it for nearly a week. I second your recommendation. It's a hoot!

Anybody know a good place to get a copy?
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Old 05-13-2007, 12:46 PM   #7
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Bonsai....yes, I've read it

Oshi Renu...I got my copy on EBay so you might try there
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Old 05-18-2007, 12:42 PM   #8
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Thanks for the advice, MadScientist. My copy of The Beaver Papers arrived today and I've spent most of the morning reading and laughing. I think your story "Close Encounter of the Haskell Kind" would have fit in well with the stories in the book.
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Old 05-22-2007, 03:54 AM   #9
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I approve this story.
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Old 01-14-2008, 11:27 AM   #10
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Well....who could ask for more than to have Eddie Haskell approve the story! My niece asked me to find it for her.....so here it is again!
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Old 06-24-2008, 04:29 PM   #11
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I just got in the mood today to share "Close Encounters of the Haskell Kind" with any new folks out there. It's not great.....but it would make a really interesting episode.....
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Old 11-03-2010, 11:23 PM   #12
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It's been over 2 years since I last refreshed this thread, so there are probably quite a few people who have never read it. Hope you enjoy the story...
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Old 11-03-2010, 11:48 PM   #13
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You've captured the character of Eddie Haskell very well! Your story is kind of like Leave it to Beaver meets the Twilight Zone! Very creative and a fun read!
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Old 12-11-2011, 03:54 PM   #14
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I always thought Mad Scientist did a great job making the characters believable. Even June rings true with that comment about Eddie "behaving himself for once" LOL.

Haven't seen Mad Scientist post anything in a while. You still out there, MS?
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Old 03-04-2012, 09:19 PM   #15
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Well, no response from Mad Scientist in all this time. Maybe he's no longer on the board?
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