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Old 06-06-2008, 01:40 AM   #256
treky
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I heard Dustin Hoffman tell this on "THE TONIGHT SHOW".

A husband asked his wife: "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasim?"

And the wife said: "Because you're never home when it happens".
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 06-06-2008, 06:17 PM   #257
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The line below is true.
The line above is false.
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Old 06-12-2008, 09:56 AM   #258
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Default MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
>
> NICKNAMES
>
> If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
> Laura, Kate and Sarah.
> If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
> other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.
>
>
> EATING OUT
>
> When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
> though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
> and
> none will actually admit they want change back.
> When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
>
> MONEY
>
> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> sale.
>
>
> BATHROOMS
>
> A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
> cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
> The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
>
> FUTURE
>
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
>
> DRESSING UP
>
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
> answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>
>
> NATURAL
>
> Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
>
> OFFSPRING
>
> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
> fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
> remembering the same thing!
>
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Old 06-13-2008, 05:19 PM   #259
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Default A Little Boy And His Balloon

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. 'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off. You're going to break something.' He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. 0Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets The urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe What she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees. And he takes a long, hard look at
the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it
might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
walls, etc. 'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks. He says, 'I've been
in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!'
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Old 06-23-2008, 04:57 PM   #260
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!


Short Ones

An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"

A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.

A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.

A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.

Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.

When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

These are good!!! Got any more?
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Old 06-24-2008, 03:46 AM   #261
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Talking

"Boy, these taxes are really high"! "Texas? That's where my uncle lives". "No, no! I'm talking about taxes. You know, dollars". "Yea, that's where he lives. Dallas, Texas".

A fat man and a skinny man walk up to each other. The fat man says to the skinny man "From the looks of you, you've just been through a famine"! The skinny man says "And from the looks of you, you've just caused one"!


Sign in a Volkswagon factory "Think big, and you're fired"!


Pilot to teenager: "Hey, wanna fly"?
Teenager: "Sure"!!
Pilot: "OK, wait a minute, I'll catch one for ya".

I heard that in New York, a person gets hit by a car every 5 minutes. Think about what that poor person must be like by now"!!


Did you ever throw your underwear in the hamper, it misses and hits the wall instead-and it sticks?
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Old 06-25-2008, 10:30 PM   #262
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A movie director agrees to dinner with a big Hollywood producer to get his movie funded. They talk over a turkey dinner at the producer's house. The director flatters the producer and expresses gratitude for his interest in his movie. At the end of dinner, as they are eating dessert, the director says, "May I say, sir, that was an excellent pheasant we had!"

The director and producer say good night, and the director goes home. The producer tells his wife, " I've decided not to produce his new movie."

"But he's one of the hottest directors in the business!" his wife says.

"I don't care," says the producer. "I'm not backing a director who can't recognize a turkey!"

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Old 07-14-2008, 04:55 PM   #263
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Interesting facts!
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Old 07-28-2008, 11:31 AM   #264
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There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?' And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?'
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Old 08-10-2008, 12:16 AM   #265
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Old 08-10-2008, 12:18 AM   #266
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
>
> NICKNAMES
>
> If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
> Laura, Kate and Sarah.
> If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
> other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.
>
>
> EATING OUT
>
> When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
> though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
> and
> none will actually admit they want change back.
> When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
>
> MONEY
>
> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> sale.
>
>
> BATHROOMS
>
> A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
> cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
> The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
>
> FUTURE
>
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
>
> DRESSING UP
>
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
> answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>
>
> NATURAL
>
> Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
>
> OFFSPRING
>
> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
> fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
> remembering the same thing!
>
that one about "OFFSPRING" describes my father EXACTLY!!!
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Old 08-11-2008, 07:01 AM   #267
Penny Lane
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Default

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
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Old 08-27-2008, 12:44 PM   #268
Penny Lane
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Default Plumber with a sense of humor

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Old 09-06-2008, 08:02 AM   #269
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Talking Do You Have an HMO?

Do You Have An HMO?
===================

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its
roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,
who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the
pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in
the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -
those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who
will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But
don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive
away.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the
name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a
stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the
$20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment
by then.
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Old 09-06-2008, 04:35 PM   #270
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yay, music theory jargon!

A C, an Eb and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors here."

So, the Eb leaves and the C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminshed.

A D comes into the bar and heads stright for the bathroom, saying,
"Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes, in horror, that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial and found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor.
This C is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing - even accidental - and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
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