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Old 07-20-2007, 10:24 AM   #211
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I once went to my shrink and told him I wanted to discuss my problem with dealyed gratification. He told me I'd have to wait.
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Old 07-28-2007, 03:30 PM   #212
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Talking 4 Little Animals

FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all......."

The teacher fainted.
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Old 07-28-2007, 09:24 PM   #213
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I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.

What did I feel when I woke up? A little down in the mouth!
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Old 08-02-2007, 09:44 PM   #214
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swedeace
FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all......."

The teacher fainted.
ROTF


gosh, that was funny!

luv the Jesus saves one as well, i'll have to pass it on!
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Old 08-04-2007, 05:27 PM   #215
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Cool

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipedyour nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."
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Old 08-04-2007, 05:50 PM   #216
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipedyour nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."
! That's a good one!!! Hahahaha...
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Old 08-04-2007, 05:56 PM   #217
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!


What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and
a dyslexic?

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really
is a dog.
That's a good one!!
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Old 08-04-2007, 09:12 PM   #218
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A county sheriff corners an Italian mobster who's wanted for a bank robbery. The mobster doesn't speak English, so a translator is called to the scene to get the mobster to surrender

"You tell him," the sheriff tells the translator, "that if he doesn't admit to the bank robbery and tell me where he hid the loot, I'm going to shoot him."

The translator tells the mobster, who denies the accusations in Italian. The translator says to the sheriff, "He denies everything."

"Tell him again," says the sheriff, "that I know he pulled the robbery, and if he doesn't tell me where the money is, I'll shoot him."

Tjhe transaltor repeats the sheriff's threats to the mobster, who again denies the accusations. "He still denies it."

The sheriff cocks his gun. "Tell him I'm giving him one last chance." The translator does so. Upon seeing the sheriff getting ready to fire, the mobster confesses. "No, no," he says in Italian, "please don't shoot! I have a wife and family who need me. Spare me! I took the money. I buried it at the foot of the two elms in the city park near the fountain."

The translator says to the sheriff, "He says he don't care, shoot him!"
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Old 08-12-2007, 09:54 PM   #219
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Jerry Garcia dies and finds himself walking down a long tunnel. When he comes out, he sees several rock stars who have died before him. Elvis Presley is practicing vocals with Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon are strumming their guitars, Rick Grech is tuning his bass, and Keith Moon is checking his drum kit. Just then Garcia sees Ron "Pig Pen" McKernan on keyboards.

"Pig Pen" Garcia says.

"Jerry?" McKernan says. "Is that you? You just died?"

"Yeah," Garcia says, "the drugs finally caught up with me, man. But it's good to see you here, as well as Elvis, Jimi, Janis, Lennon."

"At least we're all together," McKernan agrees.

"Yeah," Garcia says, "I'm glad I made it to heaven."

"Uh." McKernan says, "I got bad news for you, pal. This isn't heaven."

"What are you talking about?" Garcia asks in astonishment. "Elvis, Janis, Moonie, Rick Grech from Traffic - how could this not be heaven?"

Just then Karen Carpenter walks up to the front of the band and says, "All right, everyone, we're going to do "Close To You" for the 6,546,516,858th time, and we're going to keep doing it until we get it right."

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Old 08-13-2007, 02:46 AM   #220
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Default 5 Smart-@ss Comebacks

5 Smart-@ss Comebacks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Smart @ss Answer ..5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
***************

Smart @ss Answer ..4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************

Smart @ss Answer ..3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************

Smart @ss Answer ..2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*******************

..1 SMART @ss ANSWER
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart @ss guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
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Old 08-30-2007, 12:37 PM   #221
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Cool SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER



I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since their delivery people actually are Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my behind.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up a $5.00 bill I found in the parking lot at my local shopping mall because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

IMPORTANT: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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Old 08-31-2007, 08:40 PM   #222
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^^^lol!!!!


Ugg.... I hate forwarded emails!!!

I always just delete them!


that's pretty cute though!....


... I think i might just forward that to all the annoying people who forward me emails!
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Old 09-08-2007, 04:32 PM   #223
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I've always wondered - if you don't pay a prostitute is it considered shoplifting?

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Old 09-09-2007, 09:53 PM   #224
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And why is it illegal to sell something - sex - that's perfectly legal to give away?

George Carlin said that.
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Old 09-20-2007, 10:54 PM   #225
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Patient: Doctor, I'm suffering from amnesia.
Doctor: How long have you had it?
Patient: Had what?

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