Sitcoms Online - Main Page / Message Boards - Main Page / News Blog / Photo Galleries / DVD Reviews / Buy TV Shows on DVD and Blu-ray

View Today's Active Threads / View New Posts / Mark All Boards Read / Chit Chat Board

Games / Movies / Music / Sports / Random Posts / Politics


Sitcoms Online Message Boards - Forums  

Go Back   Sitcoms Online Message Boards - Forums > Chit Chat

Notices

SitcomsOnline.com News Blog Headlines Twitter Facebook Instagram RSS

Sitcom Stars on Talk Shows; This Week in Sitcoms (Week of June 25, 2018)
SitcomsOnline Digest: Roseanne Without Roseanne is Official; Is a Revival of The Nanny in the Works?
Fri-Yay: Shows to Catch Up on This Summer; The Conners Coming to ABC Tuesdays This Fall
3rd Rock from the Sun Launches on Laff in July; The CW Fall 2018 Premiere Dates
NBC Fall 2018 Premiere Dates; Season 4 of Bounce Sitcom Premieres July 2
The History of Comedy Returns to CNN; Showtime Gets First Late Night Talk Show
Showtime Gets Don Cheadle Comedy; HBO Special Directed by Jerrod Carmichael Coming Soon
Sitcom Stars on Talk Shows; This Week in Sitcoms (Week of June 18, 2018)
SitcomsOnline Digest: Roseanne Spinoff One Step Closer to Reality; Netflix to Air New Season of Lucifer
Fri-Yay: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Finally Finds Its Best Self; All About the Washingtons with Rev Run Coming to Netflix


New on DVD/Blu-ray (June)

Living Single - The Complete Fifth Season Step by Step - The Complete First Season Will & Grace (The Revival) - Season One Perfect Strangers - The Complete Fourth Season Last Man Standing - The Complete Sixth Season

06/05 - Living Single - The Complete Fifth Season
06/05 - New Girl - The Complete Sixth Season
06/05 - South Park - The Complete Twenty-First Season (Blu-ray)
06/12 - Fresh Off the Boat - The Complete Fourth Season
06/12 - Life in Pieces - The Complete Third Season
06/12 - The Office - The Complete Series
06/12 - Speechless - The Complete First Season
06/12 - Speechless - The Complete Second Season
06/12 - Step by Step - The Complete First Season
06/12 - Will & Grace (The Revival) - Season One (Blu-ray)
06/19 - Perfect Strangers - The Complete Fourth Season
06/26 - Last Man Standing - The Complete Fifth Season
06/26 - Last Man Standing - The Complete Sixth Season
06/26 - The Mick - The Complete First Season
06/26 - The Mick - The Complete Second Season
More TV DVD Releases / DVD Reviews Archive / SitcomsOnline Digest


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 07-20-2007, 10:24 AM   #211
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,196
Default

I once went to my shrink and told him I wanted to discuss my problem with dealyed gratification. He told me I'd have to wait.
Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2007, 03:30 PM   #212
swedeace
Member
Senior Member
 
swedeace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 22, 2003
Posts: 8,975
Talking 4 Little Animals

FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all......."

The teacher fainted.
swedeace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2007, 09:24 PM   #213
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,196
Default

I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.

What did I feel when I woke up? A little down in the mouth!
Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-02-2007, 09:44 PM   #214
mrs.gingerhinkley
*Bette Davis Fan*
Senior Member
 
mrs.gingerhinkley's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 06, 2007
Posts: 2,475
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by swedeace
FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all......."

The teacher fainted.
ROTF


gosh, that was funny!

luv the Jesus saves one as well, i'll have to pass it on!
__________________
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
-Edgar Allen Poe


God Bless Our Troops
mrs.gingerhinkley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2007, 05:27 PM   #215
Brad Russ
Member
Forum Veteran
 
Brad Russ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 17, 2002
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 10,068
Send a message via Yahoo to Brad Russ
Cool

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipedyour nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."
__________________
St. John 15:13 - Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

Currently my favorite song.
Brad Russ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2007, 05:50 PM   #216
swedeace
Member
Senior Member
 
swedeace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 22, 2003
Posts: 8,975
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipedyour nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."
! That's a good one!!! Hahahaha...
swedeace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2007, 05:56 PM   #217
swedeace
Member
Senior Member
 
swedeace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 22, 2003
Posts: 8,975
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!


What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and
a dyslexic?

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really
is a dog.
That's a good one!!
swedeace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2007, 09:12 PM   #218
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,196
Default

A county sheriff corners an Italian mobster who's wanted for a bank robbery. The mobster doesn't speak English, so a translator is called to the scene to get the mobster to surrender

"You tell him," the sheriff tells the translator, "that if he doesn't admit to the bank robbery and tell me where he hid the loot, I'm going to shoot him."

The translator tells the mobster, who denies the accusations in Italian. The translator says to the sheriff, "He denies everything."

"Tell him again," says the sheriff, "that I know he pulled the robbery, and if he doesn't tell me where the money is, I'll shoot him."

Tjhe transaltor repeats the sheriff's threats to the mobster, who again denies the accusations. "He still denies it."

The sheriff cocks his gun. "Tell him I'm giving him one last chance." The translator does so. Upon seeing the sheriff getting ready to fire, the mobster confesses. "No, no," he says in Italian, "please don't shoot! I have a wife and family who need me. Spare me! I took the money. I buried it at the foot of the two elms in the city park near the fountain."

The translator says to the sheriff, "He says he don't care, shoot him!"
Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2007, 09:54 PM   #219
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,196
Default

Jerry Garcia dies and finds himself walking down a long tunnel. When he comes out, he sees several rock stars who have died before him. Elvis Presley is practicing vocals with Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon are strumming their guitars, Rick Grech is tuning his bass, and Keith Moon is checking his drum kit. Just then Garcia sees Ron "Pig Pen" McKernan on keyboards.

"Pig Pen" Garcia says.

"Jerry?" McKernan says. "Is that you? You just died?"

"Yeah," Garcia says, "the drugs finally caught up with me, man. But it's good to see you here, as well as Elvis, Jimi, Janis, Lennon."

"At least we're all together," McKernan agrees.

"Yeah," Garcia says, "I'm glad I made it to heaven."

"Uh." McKernan says, "I got bad news for you, pal. This isn't heaven."

"What are you talking about?" Garcia asks in astonishment. "Elvis, Janis, Moonie, Rick Grech from Traffic - how could this not be heaven?"

Just then Karen Carpenter walks up to the front of the band and says, "All right, everyone, we're going to do "Close To You" for the 6,546,516,858th time, and we're going to keep doing it until we get it right."

Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2007, 02:46 AM   #220
globalspot28
Member
Frequent Poster
 
globalspot28's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 17, 2004
Posts: 165
Default 5 Smart-@ss Comebacks

5 Smart-@ss Comebacks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Smart @ss Answer ..5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
***************

Smart @ss Answer ..4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************

Smart @ss Answer ..3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************

Smart @ss Answer ..2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*******************

..1 SMART @ss ANSWER
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart @ss guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
__________________
****************************************

| Strange News | Entertainers in California |
globalspot28 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2007, 12:37 PM   #221
KissMyGrits
HEGM!
Senior Member
 
KissMyGrits's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 01, 2004
Location: Las Vegas Baby!
Posts: 2,134
Cool SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER



I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since their delivery people actually are Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my behind.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up a $5.00 bill I found in the parking lot at my local shopping mall because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

IMPORTANT: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
__________________
check out my blog.... some ficcies, some about me and a whole lotta fun!! http://catniprules.livejournal.com/
KissMyGrits is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-31-2007, 08:40 PM   #222
mrs.gingerhinkley
*Bette Davis Fan*
Senior Member
 
mrs.gingerhinkley's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 06, 2007
Posts: 2,475
Default

^^^lol!!!!


Ugg.... I hate forwarded emails!!!

I always just delete them!


that's pretty cute though!....


... I think i might just forward that to all the annoying people who forward me emails!
mrs.gingerhinkley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2007, 04:32 PM   #223
Chelsea
Semi-retired
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 07, 2001
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 5,652
Default

I've always wondered - if you don't pay a prostitute is it considered shoplifting?

__________________
Chelsea
Former Administrator, 2005-2012
Former Member, DVD Review Team, 2004-2010.
Former Seth, 1986-2015
For questions, comments, troubleshooting, or forum help, please PM TJ.
Chelsea is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-09-2007, 09:53 PM   #224
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,196
Default

And why is it illegal to sell something - sex - that's perfectly legal to give away?

George Carlin said that.
Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-20-2007, 10:54 PM   #225
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,196
Default

Patient: Doctor, I'm suffering from amnesia.
Doctor: How long have you had it?
Patient: Had what?

Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:04 PM.


Although the administrators and moderators of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards will attempt to keep all objectionable messages off this forum, it is impossible for us to review all messages. All messages express the views of the author, and neither the owners of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards, nor vBulletin Solutions Inc. (developers of vBulletin) will be held responsible for the content of any message. The owners of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards reserve the right to remove, edit, move or close any thread for any reason.

VigLink badge

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions Inc.