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Old 05-17-2007, 03:50 PM   #196
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What's the only playing card that's higher than the Joker?

The Penguin!
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Old 05-17-2007, 10:34 PM   #197
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You know how Scottish people are cheap?

A Scottish woman's husband died and she called the local newspaper to place an obituary. "How much does an obituary cost?" she asked the editor.

"A dollar a word," the editor replied.

"Print 'Angus died,'" she said.

"There's a five-word minimum," she was told.

She said, "Print 'Angus died. Car for sale.'"

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Old 06-09-2007, 03:12 PM   #198
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Why it's important to understand English:

When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian Guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change"? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty. Why it change?

The Teller shrugged her sholders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"!

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Old 06-09-2007, 06:43 PM   #199
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swedeace
Why it's important to understand English:

When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian Guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change"? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty. Why it change?

The Teller shrugged her sholders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"!

That's a good one, Mona.
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Old 06-17-2007, 10:54 PM   #200
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A man manages after several attempts to grow an Australian whipper tree sapling in his front yard. Just then a young boy riding his bike loses control and hits the tree with his tire, causing the tree to snap off the stump.

The man looks at the kid and says, "YOU YOUNG WHIPPER SNAPPER!"
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Old 06-19-2007, 12:25 AM   #201
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swedeace
Why it's important to understand English:

When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian Guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change"? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty. Why it change?

The Teller shrugged her sholders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"!

dear me...
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Old 06-19-2007, 12:27 AM   #202
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alison Sweeney Fan
The Death of Forrest Gump.



The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to the pearly gates and is met by St. Peter himself.

The good saint says, “Well Forrest, we’re glad to see you. We’ve heard a lot about you. I must tell you, however, that the place is filling up fast, so we’ve been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into heaven. You need to answer these three questions:

1. Which days of the week begin with the letter "T"?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?"



Forrest thinks for a moment and then replies, “Well, the first one - that’s easy. There are two of them – tomorrow and today.”

St. Peter’s eyes open wide in surprise: “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but, I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the second question?”



“Now that’s a bit harder,” says Forrest, “but I’ll guess the answer to be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

“Well, there’s got to be twelve,” Forrest answers. “January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd….”

“Hold it!” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this one, and I’ll have to give you credit for that too. Let’s go on to the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”



“Easy,” replies Forrest, “it’s Andy!”

“Andy?” exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. “Okay, I can understand how you can come up with your answers for the first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”



“Oh,” says Forrest, “that was the easiest of all: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I'm his own!”



St. Peter opens the pearly gates and says, “Run Forrest, Run!”


very cute, as a big Forrest fan, i enjoyed it thourougly! thnx

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Old 06-29-2007, 08:28 PM   #203
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The OCD Hokey-Pokey:

You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out....
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Old 06-29-2007, 08:57 PM   #204
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seth
The OCD Hokey-Pokey:

You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out....
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Old 07-01-2007, 11:33 AM   #205
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!


As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large man who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were
friends."
This is a good one, Jenny!
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Old 07-05-2007, 11:02 PM   #206
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A man walking on a beach in New Jersey finds a bottle and opens it. A genie pops out and tells the startled man he will grant him one wish.

"I know just what I want," the man says. I've always wnated to go to Europe but I am afraid of flying and I can't afford a stateroom on the Queen Mary 2. Could you build a bridge across the Atlantic to let me drive to Europe?"

"What?" says the genie. That's virtually impossible. There's all the engineering involved, all the steel and concrete, the need to keep shipping lanes going, fishing waters. . . . Don't you have another wish I could grant?"

"Well," says the man, "I've always wanted to understand women. What are they like? What do they think? What do they want from men? What makes them tick?"

The genie mulls it over and replies, "You want two lanes or four?"



(I may have posted this joke before, but what the heck. . . .)
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Old 07-07-2007, 02:01 AM   #207
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The Wizard of Oil

Rated "PG" for "Pretty Gross".
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Old 07-07-2007, 06:17 PM   #208
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what did the fish say when it was swiming and it crashed into a wall?
-Dam
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Old 07-08-2007, 04:10 PM   #209
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freshprinceofLA
what did the fish say when it was swiming and it crashed into a wall?
-Dam
i think that was one of the first jokes i was ever told...
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Old 07-20-2007, 01:01 AM   #210
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Default Who Is Better On The Computer?

Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
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