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Old 03-15-2012, 09:48 AM   #736
Frank Gannucci
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Default Thursday's Quotes:

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Do you have any nicknames that you like to call your husband?"

Alice: "Oh, I got several I love to call him."

Rita: "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits."

Alice: "Oh, I see." (to Ralph): "Isn't that a good idea Tubby?"

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Someone thought about putting a plaque on Ralph's bus saying: 'You are on the bus of the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. Ed, you can tell me. Who thought of that idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of a toothache is mental. 50% of the pain of that toothache is here (the mouth). The other 50% is in here (the head.)
Ralph: "For you information, 100% of it is here (the mouth.) There is nothing up there (the head.)"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for apaper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for a paper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."
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Old 03-16-2012, 09:51 AM   #737
Frank Gannucci
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Default Friday's Quotes:

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed muscles. Got good bone structure. Very good bone structure. Fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"
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Old 03-17-2012, 08:45 AM   #738
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Default St. Patty's Day Quotes:

All from "Curse of The Kramdens" (Lost version):

#1:

Mayor: “To Ralph Kramden, the first Kramden to set foot in Dunnellin since 1826.”

(They all drink.)

Ralph: “Whoo!”

#2:

Ralph: "I am not risking myself for beer."

Alice: "I bet you would for pizza."

#3:

(Ralph is scared about spending the night in a haunted castle.)

Alice: "Stop acting like you are 3."

Ralph: "Ralph: “All right. So, I am a 3-year-old. Put me in the Kentucky Derby. I am ready to run."

"$99,000 Answer":

(Ralph's practicing is keeping everybody, including McGarrity, up.)

Ralph: "This time, tomorrow night, my picture will be on the front page of every newspaper in the USA."

McGarrity: "So will mine for killing you."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "I am not nervous, Alice. I am not nervous. I may be a little excited about inheriting $40,000,000, but I am not nervous."

(Ralph polishes his sock.)

Alice: "You are not nervous Ralph. You are not nervous at all. You just read in Esquire about how the well-dressed man always polishes his sock."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed has Trixie's dress on while Trixie has to measure the hems.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

All quotes come from "Curse of The Kramdens":

#1

Mayor: "Did your mitther come from Ireland?"

Ed: "What's a mitther?"

Ralph: "He means your mother."

Ed: "No, she didn't. Neither did my britther or my sitther. It was my grandfither."

#2

Mayor: "Ah, you are a Kramden all right. You got the ear of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the dignity of a king. Ralph Kramden, it's good to meet you."

(He shakes the hand of Ed.)

Ralph: "Wait a minute. I am the one with the ear of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the dignity of a king. Ralph Kramden, it's good to meet you."

Ed: "Yeah, I got the tooth of an elk."

#3

(The mayor compliments the husbands on their chocie of wives.)

Alice: "You have been kissing the blarney stone."

Ed: "If he said those compliments about Trixie, I would say he drank the whole thing."

Happy St. Patty's Day!
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Old 03-18-2012, 12:50 PM   #739
Frank Gannucci
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Default Sunday's Quotes:

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It is one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"

Ed: "How about the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There":

Ed: "A dcotor once told me that I had a split-personality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton: The gay, carefree man-about-town. The other one was Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Big news. Your huband is crazy.:

Alice: "Okay, so what's the big news?"

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ed picks up a cricket bat.)

Ed: "What is it used for?"

Ralph: "To kill crickets."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true. Ralph brings the Nortons out to explain the whole thing.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "How would you like to bag an elephant Alice?"

Alice: "I already did."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You are carrying the load, but it's not on your shoulders."
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:23 AM   #740
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Default Monday's Quotes:

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "What is this?"

Ralph: "That is a medicine ball."

Ed: "You must have to drink a whole lot of water to swallow something like this."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(The salesman shows the Kramdens and Nortons a very small box.)

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that there is one bathing suit in there?"

Man: "One? There are six of them in here."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This is not a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it. I got it. I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Why do you have to be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the woods."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph runs home out of breath.)

Ralph: "Everything is fine."

Alice: "Ralph did you run up the stairs? You know that you are not supposed to do that. It's not good for you and it's not good for the stairs either."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "I have been driving with the Gotham Bus Comapny for 12 years."

Bud Collyer: "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Bud Collyer: "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your life?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Another tail may be haning from this Raccoon cap. Then another and another. Pretty soon, I can become a thirteen-tail man. Do you know what that is like Alice, to be a thirteen-tail man?"

Alice: "It must be pretty special since a monkey only has one."
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:41 AM   #741
Frank Gannucci
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Default Tuesday's Quotes:

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:15 AM   #742
Frank Gannucci
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Default Wednesday's Quotes:

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives' tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of what to name their dog food. Mr. Marshall will be one of the first people to taste it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall."

Ralph: "What kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff is. You might as well call it Marshall."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I am your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Don't be ridiculous. It's a Dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those Dutch people must be very short."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Alice: "Molly wally unga."

Ralph: "What does that mean?"

Alice: "That is Hawaiian for: 'Ahh, shut up.'"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Do you know what a manager and a trainer get of the purse? A third. Do you know what a boxer can get? $300,000 to $400,000 a fight."

Ed: "A strong kid like that can fight five or six times a week."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is trying to do an aptitude test.)

Ed: "A five-year-old can do this."

Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll do it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(The doctor gives Ralph a word association test.)

Doctor: "Man."

Ralph: "Woman."

Doctor: "House."

Ralph: "Furniture."

Doctor: "Dog."

Ralph: "Cat."

Doctor: "Bus."

Ralph: "Those dirty rotten passengers."
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:07 AM   #743
Frank Gannucci
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Default Thursday's Quotes:

"Funny Money":

(Ralph said to Alice that all the bad things that had happened were nothing.)

Alice: "What about quitting your job Ralph or was that nothing?"

Ralph: "I forgot about that."

Alice: "I guess you forgot that all this expensive stuff that you bought has to go back too. Every bit of it except for your suits Ralph. The tailor can't take those back. He doesn't know of any ELEPHANTS that need a new wardrobe."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph coming home late.)

Alice: "Do you know what time it is Ralph?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, it's three hours after 11."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "Your mother is a blabbermouth. A blabbermouth."

Alice: "Ralph, I told you I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "All right. You are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"Cupid Part 1":

Herman: "I still have our class picture Ralph. You were in the first row."

Ed: "In the first row, he must have BEEN the first row."

"Cupid Part 2":

(Ralph thinks that Alice has left him.)

Ralph: "Everything in here reminds me of her. The potatos she peels, the frigidare she fixes, the floor she scrubs, the dishes she washes. Norton, why did she leave me?"

Ed: "You just gave four very good reasons."

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He is at his job.)

Ed: "I am walking around in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out! There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."
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Old 03-23-2012, 11:09 AM   #744
Frank Gannucci
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Default Friday's Quotes:

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed want to get the money so they can buy Bartfled's Candy Store. Alice & Trixie won't give them the money.)

Ed: "Our money is in a joint account."

Ralph: "So what? That money is yours just as it is hers."

Ed: "There's a slight technicality there. Our joint account is in the name of Trixie and her mother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Thank you very much for having my underwear outside all night. Now it's frozen stiff."

Alice: "I'm sorry."

Ralph: "Don't apologize. Just give me an ice pick and I will get dressed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow, there's a big sale on men's shorts. .89 cents a pair! Norton could sure use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph, what sizes have they got?"

Trixie: "All sizes: 32 to 50."

Alice: "Nope, nothing there for Ralph!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know
where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

Last edited by Frank Gannucci : 03-24-2012 at 09:24 AM.
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:25 AM   #745
Frank Gannucci
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Default Saturday's Quotes:

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph has kept the whole building awake because of his toothache.)

Ralph: "If I bite into one of those Choosy-Chews, I will die."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "GIVE HIM A CHOOSY-CHEW!"

"Move Uptown":

(A cop comes by as Ralph & Ed are moving things. He thinks that they are burglars.)

Ralph: "Norton, tell him who I am and that I live here."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I want to know if we are being booked on an 802 or 605."

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "All this food is wearing me down."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"The New Bowling Ball":

Ralph: "My bowling ball got stuck on my finger and I can't get it off."

Ed: "Why don't you go on a diet? Maybe, it will drop off."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Do you want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(Phone rings. Alice answers it.)

Alice: "Hello?..."(poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man: "Carry Mr. Kramden to the train station."

(The men try to pick up Ralph but to no avail.)

Ed: "I think it would be easier if you went to the train station, picked it up, and carried it back here."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."
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Old 03-25-2012, 08:13 AM   #746
Frank Gannucci
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Default Sunday's Quotes:

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friend's hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electrocute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:07 PM   #747
Frank Gannucci
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Posts: 3,762
Default Monday's Quotes:

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop."
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:13 PM   #748
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 3,762
Default Tuesday's Quotes:

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "My mother had been yelling out the window for 80 years."

Alice: "Yeah and when she lost her voice, more people listened to her than Amos & Andy."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph thinks that Alice is seeing another man behind his back. He wants to find out.)

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed eats Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I sure wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that is starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces, the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio, the nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I'm Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"New Manager":

Alice: "Why would Ralph run away?"

Ed: "He's married, ain't he?"

"What's The Name":

Ralph: "Every time there was a love scene in the movie, Ed had to kiss Trixie."

Alice: "What's wrong with that? I think that that is very romantic."

Ralph: "Romantic, huh? I was sitting between them."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I thought I could chop off a few bucks off the $989."

Mr. Mosby: "$989? This cottage costs $2,000."

Ed: "Ralph, you got a load of chopping to do."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed are fighting. They hate each other.)

Ralph: "I got a million friends. I must have 50 at the bus depot. 50 down at the bowling alley. 50 down at the lodge. There's 100 right there."

Alice: "If you got so many friends Ralph, how come they never invite you anywhere?"

Ralph: "Because I am always with Norton and they don't like him either."
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:26 AM   #749
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 3,762
Default Wednesday's Quotes:

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."
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Old 03-29-2012, 07:18 AM   #750
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 3,762
Default Thursday's Quotes:

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Mr. Marshall, can I have a raise?"

Mr. Marshall: "No."

Ralph: "But, it's 11:30p."

Mr. Marshall: "I don't care if it's 2:07."

Ralph: "Neither do I. But, it's 11:30p."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "As long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "You remember the joke that your mom said at our wedding?"

Alice: "What joke?"

Ralph: "You remember the joke. She said: 'I'm not losing a daughter. I'm gaining a ton.'"

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Ed: "I went to a fortune teller and she said that I would marry a brunette. The next day, I met Trixie."

Alice: "She is no brunette."

Ed: "She was then."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "Have you told Trixie about the change in vacation plans. I know that she wanted to go to Atlantic City."

Ed: "Trixie will go where I want to go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal! Put your foot down."

Alice: "What are you going to do if she puts up a squawk?"

Ed: "Very simple. I will tell her that Atlantic City is closed for the summer."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job. Trained in the same fashion as each other. There's always one man in the group that stands out far from the others."

Ed: "Yeah, I guess you're right there Ralph. If you stood out any more in front, you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."
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