Thread: The JOKE Thread
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Old 07-21-2006, 10:08 AM   #13
Janice
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The Best of Late Nite Jokes

Leno
  • It was so hot up in Oregon, Bigfoot was seen getting a bikini wax.
  • It was so hot the grand slam breakfast I got today at Denny’s was still warm when it arrived.
  • Earlier today President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. But I don't know if he gets it. Bush said stem cells may be dangerous especially if people talk on them while driving.
  • A lot of people were complaining today about how long it’s taking to evacuate Americans from Lebanon. Lebanon? Hey, we couldn’t even evacuate Americans from New Orleans.
  • People still talking about President Bush’s use of a four letter word at the G8 Summit. Is that really a big deal? Now if Bush was to use a four syllable word…I think that would be…
  • This week in a speech Vice President Dick Cheney said that either we are serious about this war or we’re not. Of course people weren’t sure if he meant the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, or the war against people who disagree with him.
  • Business analysts say that McDonald's is doing really well lately because Americans have to spend more money on gas so they're going to McDonald’s rather than more expensive restaurants. So basically, as Americans have to spend more for oil they're looking to pay less for grease.
Letterman
  • President Bush is back from the G8 Summit. He said he got a lot of ---- done.
  • Basically the leaders at the G8 decided to make a desperate plea to Superman.
  • President Bush had a number of gaffes at the summit. At one point he was seen giving a neck rub to the German Chancellor. You know what this means – he’s drinking again.
  • Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married. They are going to be living in Malibu in a $10 million trailer.
  • They are getting married on a yacht. Pamela not only will be a bride but also a flotation device.
Leno
  • Record heat continues all across the country. It was so hot today. I was at Circuit City and I saw an Amish guy buying an electric fan.
  • It was so hot in Pittsburgh guys were pretending to play for the Pirates just to have beer thrown on them.
  • It was so hot, the "Pirates of the Caribbean” kidnapped Hillary Clinton just for the cold booty.
  • President Bush says he’s personally working on a solution to global warming: he says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle.
  • A lot of military experts are wondering how the U.S can stop Israel from getting bombed. Israel? We can’t even stop Pete Coors from getting bombed.
  • Did you hear about this story? The Coors brewing company CEO Pete Coors had his license revoked after being arrested for drunk driving last may. At least he uses the product!
  • White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said when president bush was told that he was recorded saying a four letter word, he rolled his eyes and laughed it off. Which is ironic. Bush is now reacting to himself the way everyone else does.
  • How creepy is this? A Dutch court has given approval for a new political party whose main goal is to lower the age of sexual consent from 16 to 12. Today Michael Jackson was seen shopping for wooden shoes.

Leno
  • It was so hot today Brad and Angelina adopted Ben & Jerry.
  • It was so hot in Encino that Michael Jackson actually stopped at a young boy’s lemonade stand and just bought some lemonade.
  • You know the worst thing about the heat wave across the country. Al Gore walking around saying, "I told you so. I told you so.”
  • If Al Gore’s movie is correct the polar ice caps are shrinking, the ozone layer is shrinking, and the glaciers are shrinking. The only thing not shrinking? Al Gore.
  • Do you folks know this story? President Bush was recorded using a four letter word at the G8 summit in Russia. At first everyone just thought he mispronounced the word "Shiite.” But that wasn’t it.
  • Kind of ironic - Bush is listening in on everyone else's phone calls and now he's the one who gets caught saying something he shouldn't. Little payback there.
  • Valerie Plame, the CIA agent whose name was leaked to the press is now suing Vice President Dick Cheney for violating her constitutional rights. She’s suing Dick Cheney, is that smart? Even the guy Dick Cheney shot in the face isn’t suing him. And he’s a lawyer.
  • In Colorado, the president of Coors beer, Pete Coors who lost a race for the U.S. Senate awhile back, has admitted that he was arrested for drunk driving back in May. I can't believe he didn't win the senate race - he got busted for drunk driving and tried to cover it up - he's obviously qualified to be senator.
  • Scientists say now that they are very close to developing chocolate that won’t melt. It’s a chocolate you can eat in hot climates. Apparently we’re holding off on that cure for cancer. Let’s get this chocolate breakthrough first.


Leno
  • It was so hot today, Ann Coulter was insulting Eskimo widows.
  • 104 degrees today. Even Hillary Clinton looked hot today.
  • President Bush getting on the Al Gore bandwagon. He told "People” magazine he’s working on a solution for global warming. I don’t think he really understands it. What he says was, when it comes to global warming he has been burning the midnight oil.
  • Oil has hit a new all time high. It’s over $76 a barrel. They say it could go much higher in the event of trouble in the Middle East. Thank God we haven’t had any of that.
  • Speaking of that, a Fox News crew has been shot at on live television after they revealed detailed information about Israeli troop movements. Now we are not hundred percent sure who did the shooting but it stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo was not there.
  • Beirut, Lebanon is L.A’s sister city. Did you know that? That’s true! Well sure, it’s the hot desert with foreign speaking people and nonstop gunfire. It’s the perfect match.
  • I don’t know if this is a coincidence or not but, Ken Lay died last week. And today hell filed for bankruptcy.
  • Letterman
  • President Bush has a new plan to fight global warming. We’re going to invade the sun.
  • Michael Jackson is going to move to Ireland. He’s already found a cottage in a small village known as Glenn Creepy.
  • He’s already being sued by a leprechaun.
Conan
  • Today the Vatican condemned Israel’s attacks on Hezbollah. Which was a good thing because all yesterday Jews and Muslims worldwide were asking what do the Catholics think?
  • Russia is going to start taking care of nuclear waste from other countries. Their goal is to be the New Jersey of Europe.


Leno
  • President Bush is in Germany now. One embarrassing moment when he asked the German chancellor if they could show the site where they filmed "Hogan’s Heroes”.
  • Iraq’s prime minister warned today that he would not hesitate to shut down any biased media news outlets. I didn’t even know they got the "New York Times” in Iraq.
  • Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in that city. He says crime in Washington is out of control. He says it is caused mainly by two viable gangs, the Republicans and the Democrats.
  • It has gotten so bad that Ted Kennedy actually refuses to go into a liquor store after dark now.
  • At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King has a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.
  • ESPN had their annual "Espy Sports Awards” last night. Best women’s softball team went to the Pittsburgh Pirates.
Letterman
  • Any of you here from out of town? It’s our exploding house season here in New York.
  • A doctor on the upper west side blew up his townhouse this week. He just blew it up. I haven’t seen anyone wreck a home like this since Angelina Jolie.
  • New York City is now on a heightened state of alert for suspicious activity. Suspicious activity? Hell that’s our number one industry.
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