The JOKE Thread

[Janice]

Please post your jokes, funny lists, etc. on this thread. Thank you.

[strawberry cupcake]

what do you do when a blonde throws a hand granade at you?

pull the pin and throw it back

;)

[darlenesthebest]

hahaha I should tell the rabbi joke...lol It's reaaaaaaaaly long tho, maybe another time!

[Tundra Wolf]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk!

[Jo_Luvs_Ketchup]

:lol:

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and water retention
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is lost hearing--now what did you say?
M is memory lapses occurring all day.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few;
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?
X is for x-ray and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.
:lol: :lol: Loved that!!

[Squeegee Beckenheim*]

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Michael [hXc]]

q. why do some blonde girls have bruises around their bellybuttons?
a. because blonde guys aren't that smart either!

:lol:

[Seth]

A rabbi, a blonde, and a chicken walk into a bar.

Bartender turns around and asks them "What is this, a joke?"

[Courtnee]

:rofl: to Superstar and Seth

[Jo_Luvs_Ketchup]

q. why do some blonde girls have bruises around their bellybuttons?
a. because blonde guys aren't that smart either!

:lol:
:brent

[Courtnee]

I suck at telling jokes but here's one:

Why did the chicken cross the road?



because he had new sneakers

[nmnf920]

A rabbi, a blonde, and a chicken walk into a bar.

Bartender turns around and asks them "What is this, a joke?"
:rofl:

[Janice]

The Best of Late Nite Jokes

Leno

It was so hot up in Oregon, Bigfoot was seen getting a bikini wax.
It was so hot the grand slam breakfast I got today at Denny’s was still warm when it arrived.
Earlier today President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. But I don't know if he gets it. Bush said stem cells may be dangerous especially if people talk on them while driving.
A lot of people were complaining today about how long it’s taking to evacuate Americans from Lebanon. Lebanon? Hey, we couldn’t even evacuate Americans from New Orleans.
People still talking about President Bush’s use of a four letter word at the G8 Summit. Is that really a big deal? Now if Bush was to use a four syllable word…I think that would be…
This week in a speech Vice President Dick Cheney said that either we are serious about this war or we’re not. Of course people weren’t sure if he meant the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, or the war against people who disagree with him.
Business analysts say that McDonald's is doing really well lately because Americans have to spend more money on gas so they're going to McDonald’s rather than more expensive restaurants. So basically, as Americans have to spend more for oil they're looking to pay less for grease.Letterman


President Bush is back from the G8 Summit. He said he got a lot of ---- done.
Basically the leaders at the G8 decided to make a desperate plea to Superman.
President Bush had a number of gaffes at the summit. At one point he was seen giving a neck rub to the German Chancellor. You know what this means – he’s drinking again.
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married. They are going to be living in Malibu in a $10 million trailer.
They are getting married on a yacht. Pamela not only will be a bride but also a flotation device.Leno

Record heat continues all across the country. It was so hot today. I was at Circuit City and I saw an Amish guy buying an electric fan.
It was so hot in Pittsburgh guys were pretending to play for the Pirates just to have beer thrown on them.
It was so hot, the "Pirates of the Caribbean” kidnapped Hillary Clinton just for the cold booty.
President Bush says he’s personally working on a solution to global warming: he says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle.
A lot of military experts are wondering how the U.S can stop Israel from getting bombed. Israel? We can’t even stop Pete Coors from getting bombed.
Did you hear about this story? The Coors brewing company CEO Pete Coors had his license revoked after being arrested for drunk driving last may. At least he uses the product!
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said when president bush was told that he was recorded saying a four letter word, he rolled his eyes and laughed it off. Which is ironic. Bush is now reacting to himself the way everyone else does.
How creepy is this? A Dutch court has given approval for a new political party whose main goal is to lower the age of sexual consent from 16 to 12. Today Michael Jackson was seen shopping for wooden shoes.

Leno


It was so hot today Brad and Angelina adopted Ben & Jerry.
It was so hot in Encino that Michael Jackson actually stopped at a young boy’s lemonade stand and just bought some lemonade.
You know the worst thing about the heat wave across the country. Al Gore walking around saying, "I told you so. I told you so.”
If Al Gore’s movie is correct the polar ice caps are shrinking, the ozone layer is shrinking, and the glaciers are shrinking. The only thing not shrinking? Al Gore.
Do you folks know this story? President Bush was recorded using a four letter word at the G8 summit in Russia. At first everyone just thought he mispronounced the word "Shiite.” But that wasn’t it.
Kind of ironic - Bush is listening in on everyone else's phone calls and now he's the one who gets caught saying something he shouldn't. Little payback there.
Valerie Plame, the CIA agent whose name was leaked to the press is now suing Vice President Dick Cheney for violating her constitutional rights. She’s suing Dick Cheney, is that smart? Even the guy Dick Cheney shot in the face isn’t suing him. And he’s a lawyer.
In Colorado, the president of Coors beer, Pete Coors who lost a race for the U.S. Senate awhile back, has admitted that he was arrested for drunk driving back in May. I can't believe he didn't win the senate race - he got busted for drunk driving and tried to cover it up - he's obviously qualified to be senator.
Scientists say now that they are very close to developing chocolate that won’t melt. It’s a chocolate you can eat in hot climates. Apparently we’re holding off on that cure for cancer. Let’s get this chocolate breakthrough first.

Leno


It was so hot today, Ann Coulter was insulting Eskimo widows.
104 degrees today. Even Hillary Clinton looked hot today.
President Bush getting on the Al Gore bandwagon. He told "People” magazine he’s working on a solution for global warming. I don’t think he really understands it. What he says was, when it comes to global warming he has been burning the midnight oil.
Oil has hit a new all time high. It’s over $76 a barrel. They say it could go much higher in the event of trouble in the Middle East. Thank God we haven’t had any of that.
Speaking of that, a Fox News crew has been shot at on live television after they revealed detailed information about Israeli troop movements. Now we are not hundred percent sure who did the shooting but it stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo was not there.
Beirut, Lebanon is L.A’s sister city. Did you know that? That’s true! Well sure, it’s the hot desert with foreign speaking people and nonstop gunfire. It’s the perfect match.
I don’t know if this is a coincidence or not but, Ken Lay died last week. And today hell filed for bankruptcy.

Letterman

President Bush has a new plan to fight global warming. We’re going to invade the sun.
Michael Jackson is going to move to Ireland. He’s already found a cottage in a small village known as Glenn Creepy.
He’s already being sued by a leprechaun.Conan


Today the Vatican condemned Israel’s attacks on Hezbollah. Which was a good thing because all yesterday Jews and Muslims worldwide were asking what do the Catholics think?
Russia is going to start taking care of nuclear waste from other countries. Their goal is to be the New Jersey of Europe.

Leno


President Bush is in Germany now. One embarrassing moment when he asked the German chancellor if they could show the site where they filmed "Hogan’s Heroes”.
Iraq’s prime minister warned today that he would not hesitate to shut down any biased media news outlets. I didn’t even know they got the "New York Times” in Iraq.
Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in that city. He says crime in Washington is out of control. He says it is caused mainly by two viable gangs, the Republicans and the Democrats.
It has gotten so bad that Ted Kennedy actually refuses to go into a liquor store after dark now.
At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King has a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.
ESPN had their annual "Espy Sports Awards” last night. Best women’s softball team went to the Pittsburgh Pirates.Letterman


Any of you here from out of town? It’s our exploding house season here in New York.
A doctor on the upper west side blew up his townhouse this week. He just blew it up. I haven’t seen anyone wreck a home like this since Angelina Jolie.
New York City is now on a heightened state of alert for suspicious activity. Suspicious activity? Hell that’s our number one industry.

[nmnf920]

what do you get when you cross the atlantic with the titanic?



halfway.

[Courtnee]

what do you get when you cross the atlantic with the titanic?



halfway.
:rofl:

[Courtnee]

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a cold snap, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants, and when it warmed up, it slithered out and
the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. Her husband, who getting dressed after a shower, ran out into the living room in his boxer shorts to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa. The emergency medical technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he wound up in the hospital. The
wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking around under the sofa. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called, and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went into the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken brawl had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his revolver and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of an end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and
smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire. Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was ablaze.

Neighbors had called the fire department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and caused the electricity to go out, and
also disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new police car, and all was right with the world once again.

About a year later, the couple was watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

:lol:

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

One's a sick duck, and I can't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore

[lilhave]

Eleven Step Guide To Being Handy Around The House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the 'on' switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

Harvey

[LuLu Rogers]

A blonde was at home doing a puzzle. She just couldn't get the pieces together, so she called her boyfriend and he came over to help. She was very upset. "I just can't get the pieces to look like the picture on the box!" She wailed. Her boyfriend shook his head, gave her a hug and looked into her eyes. "Ok baby, let's get the Frosted Flakes back into the box and I'll take you out for breakfast."

[KristinHerreraFan]

Q: Why doesn't KristinHerreraFan bother posting in this thread?

A: COZ IT'S A WASTE OF TIME! :lol: :crazy: :happyface:

[swedeace]

It's about freakin' time!!!

A BLONDE GUY JOKE

It's not too often that you hear a joke about blonde guys...

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.

:rofl:

[lilhave]

Red and blue are the most popular tie colors in the U.S.

A mother kangaroo is called a "flyer."

Fingernails are made out of the same stuff as horse hooves, bird talons, bull horns, and bear claws.

In Great Britain, rummage sales are called "jumble sales."

In the opening procession of the Olympics, the team representing the host nation always marches last.

"Horripilation" is the medical term for goosebumps.

Thirty-four percent of Microsoft employees are Indian.

American electric razors hum in the key of B flat. Razors in England, however, buzz in the key of G.

The pilgrims took apart the Mayflower and used the wood to build a barn.

Forty percent of people in America have never been to see a dentist.

A cosmic year is the amount of time it takes the Sun to revolve around the center of the Milky Way. That's about 225 million years.

Major league baseball bats are made of ash.

Just about half of the people charged with homicide in the US are convicted of the crime.

Toys R Us was originally the Children's Supermart.

The first portable calculator placed for sale by Texas Instruments, in 1972, weighed 2.5 pounds and cost $150.

Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba.

Sixty percent of Americans can name all Three Stooges. Just 17 percent can name three Supreme Court judges.

The back of the human hand is the "opisthenar."

Norway has won more total medals at the Winter Olympic Games than any other nation.

The official name of Rhode Island, used on all state documents, is Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.

Harvey

[jpcanes]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Jenya]

Don't forget to shower before you go swimming in the public pool! :eek:


http://de.fishki.net/picsp/bloodyshowerprank.wmv

[sweetdiggity]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.



:rofl:

[sweetdiggity]

George Bush Solves a Puzzle...

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"


Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library...

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.


Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane...

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Bill Clinton orders a quickie...

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

[Courtnee]

Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library...

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.


:rofl:

[Bobby F.]

Should Children Watch Childbirth?
>
>Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
>house
>was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 5-year-old
>girl, to
>hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
>deliver
>the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother
>Heidi
>pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
>
>
>The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
>bottom.
>Connor began to cry.
>The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
>wide-eyed
>5-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
>
>Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't
>have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again."
>

[Bobby F.]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows how to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge
boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
Amen

[Bobby F.]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. !
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came! back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[Courtnee]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. !
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came! back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
:lol:

[lilhave]

Slogans for Women's T-shirts



1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just
can't remember it all.

5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't
please any!

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and
the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing
machine, iron, etc.)

Harvey

[Jo_Luvs_Ketchup]

Here's a few I found...

-The Hair Dryer and the Priest!

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over
the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there
anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare"

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"


-How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

-How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

-Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.



:D :wave:

[lilhave]

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Harvey

[Cactus Jack]

An elderly couple goes in to the docotrs office, the man is getting an exmaniantion

The doctor says to him "I need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine smaple and sperm sample"


The man goes"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"


The doctor says " I need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool smaple and sperm sample"


The man goes"WWhaaaaaaaaat?"


The doctor syas "" I need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool smaple and sperm sample""


The man turns oth is wife and says "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? What idd he say?"


His wife says"Just give him your underwear"

[Courtnee]

Two cows are standing in a field talking. First says to the other, "That mad cow disease scares me."

Second says "I don't have to worry about getting that." "Why not?" "I'm a helicopter."

[swedeace]

The Dollar

Verily I say unto ye..........

Money....

It can buy a house
But not a home
It can buy a clock
But not time
It can buy you a position
But not respect
It can buy you a bed
But not sleep
It can buy you a book
But not knowledge
It can buy you medicine
But not health
It can buy you blood
But not life
So you see money isn't everything
And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you this because I am your friend....

And as your friend I want to

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So....Send me all your money
And I will suffer for you!
Cash only please!
After all, what are friends for, huh??

I HOPE THIS MADE YOU SMILE!!!
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!
MONEY CAN'T BUY GOOFY

:lol: Cute, eh? :rofl:

[robyrob]

Shayne had been drinking at his local pub all day and
most of the night. Mick the bartender says, "You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Shayne."

Shayne replies, "OK, Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Shayne gets up from his chair and steps forward. He
falls flat on his face. He curses, pulls himself up
by a stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step
towards the door and falls flat on his face.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if
he can just get to the door and get some fresh air,
he'll be fine. Shayne belly-crawls to the door and
shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside
and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He
falls flat on his face.

He curses again. He can see his house just a few doors
down. He crawls to the door and shimmies up the
doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He
takes a look up the stairs and says, "No bloody way."
But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door. He
says, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into
the room and falls flat on his face. Shayne crawls
forward, drags himself up by the sheets, and finally
falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Shayne. Did
you have a bit too much to drink last night?"

Shayne says, "I did Mary. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Steve M.]

Q: What do you get when you put ducks in a crate?
A: A box of quackers.

:lol:

[treky]

:confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: Two cows are standing in a field talking. First says to the other, "That mad cow disease scares me."

Second says "I don't have to worry about getting that." "Why not?" "I'm a helicopter."

[Steve M.]

The joke is that the other cow is mad because she thinks she's a helicopter. :lol:

[lilhave]

Airline Safety
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Harvey
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Steve M.]

A man is on plane preparing to land, and the pilot comes on saying. "This is your pilot speaking. We are approaching the airport. With luck, we should be landing in a few minutes."

The man turns to a passing stewardess and asks her, "Excuse but what did he mean by 'luck?'"

"Oh, never mind him," says the stewardess. "He's one of our student pilots."

[lilhave]

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walkwith nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and hisboots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks"Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me top ull off my shirt so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull of my pants so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... "

And here I am.

Harvey

[D.J.]

I've said some funny jokes in the past(more like quotes but funny nonetheless)


1)"A little sex on TV never hurt anyone, unless you fall off."

2)"I might not be always right but I'm never wrong."

3)"If I was invisible, you wouldn't be able to see me. To most adults, that would be a good thing."

4)After playing a boxing game on PS2: "Where's Mike Tyson? His finishing move could be the ear bite. Don't tell that to Holyfield."

5)After my dad said David Ortiz looks like Shrek: "And Manny looks like Rick James. Manny Ramirez *****.

[lilhave]

"You know you're a redneck when...


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.


2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.


20. You can spit without opening your mouth.


21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.


22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.


24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.


30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Harvey

[Jenya]

Smart Duck! :lol:

http://de.fishki.net/picsp/ptitsy_vory_02.jpg

[Jenya]

Don't feed the pigeons...:eek:


http://de.fishki.net/picsp/ptitsy_vory_01.jpg

[Steve M.]

Smart Duck! :lol:

http://de.fishki.net/picsp/ptitsy_vory_02.jpg

AFLAC! AFLAC! :lol:

[livsforluv]

Gravity-Defying Tequila

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an ******* when you're drunk, Superman."

[Yooch]

"You know you're a redneck when...


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.


2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.


20. You can spit without opening your mouth.


21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.


22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.


24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.


30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Harvey

:lol: :lol: Have heard some of these before, but they never fail to crack me up!

[swedeace]

15 Ways to Tell it's a New Mexican Birthday Party

Well, this won't be as funny if you have never lived in New Mexico or have even visited New Mexico. I doubt many of you would even understand most of these hilarious stereotypes, but I'll still post them:

1. Some of the guests didn't bring a gift, but brought extra-uninvited kids.

2. The cake says, "Happy Birthday Mijo" instead of the child's real name.

3. The party is at Peter Piper Pizza but they brought their own food, cake, and a pinata.

4. It's a child's party but there are more grown-ups than children.

5. It's Mijo's 1st birthday and the party food is carne asada, arroz, frijoles, ensalada, pico de gallo, and 10 cases of beer.

6. For entertainment, instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey, there is usually a televised baseball, football game, or a live fight.

7. The party was supposed to be over at 6:00; it's 8:00 and the party is just starting.

8. The host calls someone who's on their way and tells them to stop and get some tortillas, cokes, and ice.

9. You hear someone go up to the birthday child and say, "Mira, tan lindo (or bonita). I'm going to get you something next week when I get paid."

10. The party is Saturday, and you get a call from the hostess Friday night saying, "I'm giving Mijo a birthday party tomorrow at 3:00."

11. Some guests bring gifts that are still in the store bag.

12. The cake didn't come from the store; it came from the mother of the comadre of your friend's sister who makes really good cakes.

13. You are told you have to save your plate and fork you ate your food with, so you can eat your cake (sometimes even your cup).

14. Guests automatically wrap up a plate of food and cake to take home (sometimes wondering who they are).

15. It's Mijo's party, but since his cousin Licha is there and her birthday is in a few days, it becomes Mijo's AND Licha's party.

[robyrob]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is professional weightlifter

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Naah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Jenya]

Crazy cats (and other animals). ;)

http://de.fishki.net/picsr/smeshkoshki

[Jenya]

What do Japanese kids do when their bored?

See here to find out. (http://de.fishki.net/picsr/spichki)

:crazy:

[swedeace]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this situation?





Scroll down for answer:



























Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round" you fool, you're drunk.

[D.J.]

Q: Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella?

A: Fo' drizzle.

[Jo_Luvs_Ketchup]

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO ! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Share Grandma's letter with your friends

:lol:

[swedeace]

Who brought the cat? :lol:

http://img479.imageshack.us/img479/623/whobroughtthecatub1.jpg

[MsOrange]

Who brought the cat? :lol:

http://img479.imageshack.us/img479/623/whobroughtthecatub1.jpg
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[swedeace]

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

[Jo_Luvs_Ketchup]

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!! :lol: Anyone ever see it?

[swedeace]

Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!! :lol: Anyone ever see it?
:lol: I didn't know that, actually. I just received the text in my email, so I thought I should share it. I've never seen the movie either. Sorry....

[swedeace]

The Spanish Word for Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Steve M.]

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

[swedeace]

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
:winkgrin

[treky]

a frog hopped into a bank one day. He hopped up on the counter, and said to the startled teller (whos name was Patty Wack) "I want to make a loan". The teller managed to say "OK, well, uh, um...d-do you have any collateral"? The frog said "Yes I do. I have this" and showed the teller a minature statue. He then said "Oh, by the way, my father is Keith Richards".
The teller took the statue and said "Just a minute" and went in to see the supervisor. She walked o his office and, closing the door behind her said "You're NOT going to believe this, but, there is a talking frog out there, who claims that Keith Richards is his father, he wants to make a loan, and put THIS up for collateral". (and she held out the statue)" I don't even know what this is".
The supervisor looked at it and said-

"It's a knick-knack Patty Wack
Give the frog a loan
His old man's a Rolling Stone":lol: :lol: :lol:



I got it in an e-mail once.

[Steve M.]

My cat was on television once. . . then my mother chased it off so she could dust the set. :lol:

[treky]

Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!! :lol: Anyone ever see it?not only did I never see it; I never heard of it. What is; or was; it? A TV show? A movie? What's it about?

[Steve M.]

"It's a knick-knack Patty Wack
Give the frog a loan
His old man's a Rolling Stone":lol: :lol: :lol:



Dumb. ohno:

[swedeace]

Two good ole TN boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. The 1st guy says, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I rightly don't know 'bout kin, but it sure'n would make us even."

:rofl:

[bossradio93]

Cliche Turned Back

"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father.

"Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least your age."

"Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Peer Pressure

A reporter interviewed a 104-year-old man.

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

"No peer pressure," he replied.

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Both Ends

"I'm worried about you always being at the bottom of your class," said the father to his son.

"Don't worry Dad," he replied. "They still teach the same thing at both ends."

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Knock knock! Who's there?

Tex

Tex who?

Tex two to tango.

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

[Steve M.]

NEWS FLASH: A ship carrying red apint and a ship carrying purple paint collided with each other out at sea, and both sank. The crews were reportedly marooned.

:brent

[Penny Lane]

Why are the Honey Dew Melon and the Watermelon having a big wedding?


Because they Canteloupe.:D :wave:

[swedeace]

Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

See what happens when you LIE to your child ?!?!

:rofl: :lol:

[PZelda]

Oh my, Mona! :eek: :rofl: :lol:

[swedeace]

Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.

In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house. .. The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

:rofl: :brent

[swedeace]

Oh my, Mona! :eek: :rofl: :lol:
:D :lol:

[Steve M.]

Two priests die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates. "I'm terribly sorry, he says to them. "We don't have enough room for you up here. We'll have more room in two weeks. In the meatime, though, you can go back to earth as anything you want."

"Well," one priest says, "I would love to go back as an eagle and soar high above the Rockies.

"We can arrange that," St. Peter says. Turning to the other priest, he says, "And you?"

The other priest looks embarrassed. "Well," he says, "I'd like to go back as a glamourous stud."

The request strikes St. Peter as odd, but he agrees to arrnage it. The wishes of the priests are granted.

Two weeks later, St. Peter calls an escort angel to go back to earth to bring back the priests. "Where will I find them?" the escort angel asks.

"One priest will be easy to find," St. Peter answers. "He's an eagle soaring high over the Rockies. The other will be a little harder to find. He's somewhere in Dallas - as a rhinestone on a lady's purse."

:brent

[treky]

:confused: I don't get it.

[Steve M.]

:confused: I don't get it.


The word "stud" can mean a sexually active man, which is what the priest wanted to be, and it also means a rhinestone. It also means a piece of support wood, which allows for this alternative punchline:

"The other priest will be harder to find. He's a two-by-four in a condo in Aspren."

If the priest asks to be a "cool" stud, the punchline can go like this:

"The other priest will be harder to find. He's a bolt on a snow tire in Detroit."

Because a stud can also be a screw holding a tire in place.

[Steve M.]

Meaning of car names:

Pontiac - Acronym for "Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It's A Cadillac."

Ford - Acronym for "Found On Road Dead" or "Fix Or Repair Daily."

Fiat - Acronym for "Fix It Again, Tony" or "Fix It Another Time."

:lol:

And back in the nineties, when Volkswagen's quality had reached its nadir, "Fahrvergnugen," which meant "the pleasure of driving," was rumored to have meant "the pleasure of driving your VW to the repair shop and getting a free Toyota loaner." :eek:

[xCool-Chickx]

Knock knock

whos there

gurss

guess who

i dont have 2 guess ur name u hav 2 guess my name!!!

[Steve M.]

American jokes told in Poland:

Q: How many people does it take to screw in an American lightbulb?
A: Two. One screws it in, and trhe other tries to find one that isn't defective.

Q. Three Santa Clauses are on a street corner. Which one is the American Santa Claus?

A: He's the one with the Easter basket.

[Penny Lane]

What do you get when you take out the meat in a hot dog?




A Hollow weenie;) :wave:

[Penny Lane]

One day a blind man and his seeing-eye dog went into K Mart. Suddenly the man started twirling the dog around in the air. The manager came up to him and asked him if he could help him. The blind man said "No thanks. I'm just looking around".:D

[Steve M.]

A Mexican exchange student named Juan begins his first day in an American high school. His history teacher asks the students to attribute quotes to famous Americans.

The teacher asks her first question. "Who said, 'Give me liberty, or give me death?'"

No one answers. Then Juan raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he says.

"Very good!" the teacher says. Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

No one answers. Then Juan raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Correct again, Juan!" the teacher says. Now, can anyone tell me who said, 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself?'"

No one answers. Then Juan raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him again. "Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1933."

"Thank you, Juan," says the teacher. Then she addresses the rest of the class. "Come now, there must be one among who knows as much American history as our exchange student from Mexico."

"Damn Mexicans," a student mutters.

The teacher aets angry. "Who said that?" she demands. "Who said that?"

Juan stands up and says, "Lou Dobbs, 2006."

:brent

[Derek from NY]

Q: What does Kobe Bryant have in common with Phil Jackson's kidney stone?

A: They don't pass.

[PZelda]

There were three mothers - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. They were sitting around, talking about their teenage daughters.

The brunette said, "I was cleaning my daughter's car when I found some beer. I didn't even know she drank!"

The rehead said, "I was cleaning my daughter's car when I found some pot. I didn't even know she did drugs!"

The blonde said, "That's nothing. I found some condoms in my daughter's car, and I didn't even know she had a PENIS!"

:rotflmao: :rofl:

[treky]

a widowed farmer had 3 daughters. They were each very beutiful, and he was proud and very protective of them.
One Saturday night, all 3 of them had dates. He was waiting with them in the living room, when there was a knock at the door. He opened it, there was this nice, clean-cut young guy standing there. He said "Hi. My name's Teddy. I'm here for Betty. We're having a dinner of spagetti. Is she ready"? So he said "Sure, you look and sound allright. She's right here". So, Betty and the guy left. Then, someone else came to the door. Again, he was nice, well groomed and clean cut. He said "Hi. My name's Tim. I'm here for Kim". So, the farmer said "Sure, you also seem fine. My daughter's right here"!
Then there was another knock on the door. The farmer opened it, and there was this dirty,sleazy, guy standing there, He needed a shave, his hair was all mussed up, his clothes were all dirty and wrinkled. The farmer said "WHAT DO YOU WANT"? The guy said "My name is Chuck. I'm here to...."

So the farmer pulled out his shotgun and shot the guys head off.

[Squeegee Beckenheim*]

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

[Steve M.]

A motorist was driving through the country when he came to a point in the road where the pavement ended. Seeing a farmer tending to his crops in the adjacent field, he called to the famer. "Excuse me," he said, "can I get to Stanleyville this way?"

The farmer replied, "Of course you can."

Full of confidence, the motorist continued on to the unpaved road. Some time later, he ran over some jagged rocks which punctured all four tires and cut a hole in his oil pan, causing the car to run off the road in a briar patch and the engine to seize up.

The angry motorist walked back covered in briar thistles and axle grease. He came back to the field where the unpaved road began and found the farmer standing there. "I thought you said I get to Stanleyville that way!" the motorist yelled, as he pointed down the road.

"Sure," said the farmer. "But I didn't say it was easy!"

:lol:

[Penny Lane]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
>know each other so well, they decided to get married.
>
>One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
>
>The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom
>was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
>
>After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and
>said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk
>broom!!!"
>
>
>
>
>
>"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
>
>
>
>Are you ready for this?
>Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
>
>*
>*
>*
>*
>*
>*
>*
>*
>*
>*
>
>"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
>
>
>
>
>
>

[Steve M.]

A motorist was driving through the country when he came to a flooded area the road where the pavement ended. Seeing a farmer sitting along the side of the road watching ducks in the flooded roadway, he called to the farmer. "Excuse me," he said, "can I drive my car through here?"

The farmer replied, "Sure, I don't see why not."

The motorist continued on and drove into the flooded roadway. Within five seconds he and his car were completely under water.

The motorist managed to get out of his car and swim to the surface. He waded out of the water, soaking wet. He glared at the farmer.

"What made you think I could drive my car through there?" the motorist roared.

"Well," said the farmer, lowering the palm of his hand to the ground, "the water only came up to here on the ducks!" :lol:

[Krisalicious]

I think I have told this joke on here before, but oh well.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in an elevator. A man enters. The women notice that he has a lot of dandruff in his hair.

"Damn that's a lot of dandruff!" says the redhead.
"We should give him some Head and Shoulders!" says the brunette.
"Okay!" says the blonde, "But what's shoulders?"

[Little Mel]

This joke is in honour of today's Oregon Ducks vs Oregon State Beavers Civil war game, in which the Beavers won in an awesome 30 to 28 classic!! Here's the joke:

There was this baby duck, who went to his social worker. He said to him: I don't want to live with my mom anymore because she beats me, in which the social worker replied: What about your dad?? The baby duck says: I don't won't to live with him either, he beats me as well, so the social worker asked: Well then, who do you want to live with?? to which the baby duck replied: I want to live with the Oregon Ducks, they never beat anybody!! :lol::lol::lol:

Believe it or not, I'm actually a huge ducks fan, but I heard that joke from my ex-girlfriend tonight who is an OSU alumn, and I thought it was cute. ;) You'd think I was an OSU fan since I'm wearing an OSU shirt right now, but that's only because my OU shirt is dirty.

[Janice]

http://www.pritchettcartoons.com/cartoons/pc_sheriff.jpg

[Little Mel]

http://www.pritchettcartoons.com/cartoons/pc_sheriff.jpg

Exactly!!! :rotflmao:

[dragster58]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750.

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father s ays to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door .

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"

[dragster58]

EXACTLY!!!!!! What buggers me up is that there are MANy of the kind of that cra**Y sheriff on this here board....the point is, while THEY can boast their REVOLTING ideas, I say, so should the rest of us......see 1st amendment!!!

[dragster58]

Xmas joke:

Why is a Christmas Tree better than a man?
Because it stays erect longer
Has cute balls
And looks good with the lights on.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

[swedeace]

Wedding Night Conversation

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burlyman -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

:brent

[dragster58]

HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d113/dragster-2/SANTAKLAUSspoofjoke.jpg

[dragster58]

HAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!

[dragster58]

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like


10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well...

6. I really don't deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

[LivinLaarge]

One day a guy named fred was driving with his friend rob
Fred runs a red light and Rob says " what are you doin trying to get us killed!"
Fred says"NO NO i know what i'm doin
He runs another red light" do you wonna get arested"said rob
Fred says" my brother taught me how to drive its cool" they come up to a green light he stops Rob yells" YOU go on green and stop on red moron!!" then fred says"I'm just afraid my brother might be comin."

[Little Mel]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ...
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.


"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"


Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."

" No Problem! said the Wizard . Who 's next? "


Richard Nixon stepped forward,

" Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! says the Wizard.



Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,

"The American people say that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done."



Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?"



"IS DOROTHY HERE?" :lol:

[Lex Luthor]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.


He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.


They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!


"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"


"No," she replies. . . ..........







"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Derek from NY]

How did Helen Keller's mother punish her? By rearranging the living room furniture.

[dragster58]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The pre sident was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those *******s deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Little Mel]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and
'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd
sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you
learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house
and send you kids to a great university!"


The boy then went to his sister and a sked, "Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad
Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"


The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"


"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how
much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.


His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.''

[Little Mel]

Two Islamic terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the terrorist in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the terrorists picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other terrorist said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other terrorist picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" :lol:

[Little Mel]

This one is kind of dirty, so if you get offended easily, DON'T READ IT!!!!!!!!

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around

the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male

patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's

disgraceful! Why is he doing

that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly

explained, "I'm very sorry

that you were exposed to that, but this man has a

serious condition

where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if

he doesn't do that

at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain

and his testicles

could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the

woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a

male patient laying in

bed while a nurse performed oral

sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT

be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness,

better health plan.":rofl: :rotflmao:

[Janice]

The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.''
:lol: :lol:

[Janice]

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" :lol:
:rofl:

[Janice]

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness,

better health plan.":rofl: :rotflmao:
:rofl:Brad, these are some really funny jokes.

[dragster58]

Two Islamic terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the terrorist in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the terrorists picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other terrorist said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other terrorist picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" :lol:


:happyface :happyface :happyface :happyface :happyface :happyface :happyface :lol: :crazy:

[Little Mel]

:rofl:Brad, these are some really funny jokes.

I thought you might like those. ;) My favorite was the hospital one. I laughed for 3 minutes straight after reading that. :lol:

Iv'e got a ton more jokes that I'll be posting up throughout this thread.

[Little Mel]

Here's a joke that I spontaneously came up with a few days ago when my Aunt and I were making fun of Brokeback Mountain while chatting on yahoo. it actually made her spit out her coffee.

"Brokeback Mountain, a film that the Village Voice gave two penis' up." :lol:

I know, I know, pretty tasteless, but still pretty damn funny if you ask me!!

[dragster58]

No comment, heheheheheheheheh!!! Merry Xmas!!!

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d113/dragster-2/TURASATANAdowningSantaspoofpic.gif

[Little Mel]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was
her stunningly gorgeous younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. One day, "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings
and desires for me that she just couldn't overcome. She told me that
she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said,"I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,just come up and
take me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her bounce up the
stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
my
car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,we are very
happy that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is :


ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR :lol:

[Cactus Jack]

Guy #1:Wouldnt it be hilarious to go to a taco restraunt owned by Taco?

Guy#2:What would be the theme song for it?


Guy#1:Food Gives Me the Sh*ts?



GUy#2 :Sounds good!

You;re hungry
and you want to get some tacos from that
Guy who had one hit
Puttin on the Ritz

[swedeace]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was
her stunningly gorgeous younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. One day, "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings
and desires for me that she just couldn't overcome. She told me that
she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said,"I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,just come up and
take me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her bounce up the
stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
my
car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,we are very
happy that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is :


ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR :lol:
:lol: That's a good one!!! It sounds familiar. I think I heard it before...

[treky]

pilot to teenager-"Wanna fly"?

teenager-"SURE"!

pilot-"Wait a minute, I'll catch one for you".



A fat man and a skinny man walked up to each other.

fat man-"From the looks of you, you've just been through a famine"!

skinny man-"And from the looks of you, you just caused one"!



man #1-"So, what about these taxes"?

man #2-"Texas? My uncle lives there"!

man #1-"No, no, I'm talking about taxes. You know, dollars"!

man #2-"Yea, that's where he lives. Dallas, Texas"!

[Steve M.]

Q: What do you get when you cross an Argentine cowboy with a wisecracking comedian?

A: Gaucho Marx! :lol:

[Little Mel]

JULY 1947

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, you are probably not aware that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day,

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William Jefferson Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

were born.

That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things ;)

[Little Mel]

:lol: That's a good one!!! It sounds familiar. I think I heard it before...

Glad you liked it. It took me about 15 minutes before I understood it, but when I did, I laughed out loud. :lol: Anyway, I got it, and I get the majority of my jokes through emails. That might be where you heard it before.

[Janice]

JULY 1947

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, you are probably not aware that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day,

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William Jefferson Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

were born.

That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things ;)
:rofl: That's funny. We need one for the Republicans.

[dragster58]

"" When it comes down to the facts I laugh And walk away"
Mickey Mouse
More peeps should do just that!!!

[Steve M.]

:rofl: That's funny. We need one for the Republicans.


Dig this. George Bush and Sylvester Stallone were both born on July 6, 1946.

I won't say it. . . it's too easy a shot! :rotflmao:

[Ricky88]

-Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?

-He wanted to beat the crowd.

[treky]

who's Ron Artest???

[Ricky88]

who's Ron Artest???


The basketball player who jumped the fans in Detroit two years ago.

[treky]

oh; you should have mentioned that; I'm sure a lot of other people her are also not into sports like me.

[Steve M.]

A carjacker cuts off a car and runs up to the driver's window with a sawed-off shotgun. "Your car or your wife!" he yells.

The driver throws his wife out of the car and drives away.

The carjacker yells, "Come back here, you willy wivered wouse!"

:rofl:

[mrnyc84]

what do you call the white stuff in a girls panties? clitty litter

[mrnyc84]

sofa king wee todd id

[Jo_Luvs_Ketchup]

sofa king wee todd id
I'm sofa king we todd did.

[Steve M.]

what do you call the white stuff in a girls panties? clitty litter


That's sick! :barf:

[Steve M.]

An well-known stage actor has never been able to get his own father to see any of his plays. His father thinks he's always jiving and kidding him about being in the play.

How did this happen? When the actor was just starting out in the theater, he told his father he'd be in a major Broadway production. The problem was, the actor played Joseph King, a walk-on character with no lines. If you blinked, you missed Joseph's appearance. Sure enough, his father went to see the play and couldn't find his son onstage.

When he called his son the next day, he delcared that he hadn't seen him perform and he wanted to know which part he was supposed to have played.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Dad," the actor answered. "I was only Joe King."

So. . . . :lol: :rotflmao:

[MsOrange]

Steve M...... huh???

[Steve M.]

Steve M...... huh???

It's a pun. . . "I was only joking." ;)

[Little Mel]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is!"

[Steve M.]

An aspiring songwriter gets an appointment with a an A&R man at a record company. He has two demos to play for the record company executive in the hope of getting a job as a composer for various singers. The record comapny man doesn't have time to play them right away. "Tell you what," he tells the songwriter. "I'm going to my farm in upstate New York for the weekend, and I'll listen to your demos there. I'll have you back in on Monday mroning, and I'll tell you what I think."

"Okay," says the songwrtiter, I'll see you then."

Monday morning comes, and the songwriter is back in the record company man's office. "Well," the record company man says to the songwriter, " I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?" the songwriter asks.
"Cher and Sting loved your demos," the record company man says. "They just ate them up."

The songwriter is ecstatic. "That's terrific!" He pauses. "What's the bad news?"

The record company man says, "Cher and Sting are the names of my goats."

:rofl:

[treky]

a baby chick walked over to his mothers nest one day; and there was an orange in it. He said "Oh! Look at the orange marmalade"!

[treky]

4 men are the only people in a plane that's run out of fuel; and is going down.
The 4 are: a southener, a texan, a mexican, and a frenchman.
They decide to jump, rather than go down with the plane. They draw straws to see who will go first. The frenchman loses. So, he stands at the open doorway and shouts "VIVA LA FRANCE"!! and jumps out. The southener is next, he stands in the doorway and shouts "REMEMBER THE SOUTH"!! and jumps out. The texan is next, he stands in the doorway and shouts "REMEMBER THE ALAMO"!! then pushes the mexican out.

[treky]

a couple is staying overnight at another couples house. When everyone's going to bed, the hostess asks them "By the way; do you mind making your own bed"? The couple says "No, not at all". So the hostess says "Good, here's a hammer and saw; you'll find the wood and nails in the room. Try not to make too much noise. Goodnight"!:lol: :lol:

[Steve M.]

A family of storks is talking about what they did that day.

Father Stork says, "I delivered a baby boy."

Mother Stork says, "I delivered a baby girl."

Junior Stork says, "I don't what the baby I delivered was, but I sure scared the hell out of those two teenagers." :rofl:

[swedeace]

Farm Girl Birth Control

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method." "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."

[swedeace]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi ... you know, I just hate drawing welfare......I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is just excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary will be $300,000 per year."

The guy, wide eyed, says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

[Steve M.]

Paris Hilton is riding through the country when her chauffeur sees a dog run out a farm onto the road. He steps on the brake, but he hits the dog. Getting out and looking at the dog, he can tell it's a female. The chauffeur tries to administer to her, but the dog is already dead. He tells Paris Hilton.

"Oh, crumb buns!" says Paris Hilton. "You'd better go up to the farmhouse and tell the farmer and his family, like, what happened."

The chauffeur goes to the house and knocks on the door. "Can I come in? I have something to tell you," he says to the farmer.

He goes in, and Paris Hilton ends up waiting in the car for three whole hours before her chauffeur returns. "What, like, took you so long?" she asks.

"I told the farmer and his family what happened," the chauffeur says. "The farmer hugged me and gave me some of his land. His wife cooked a big dinner for me, and their daughter wanted me to marry her. We just got engaged."

"Wow," Paris Hilton says, "even though you ran over their dog? What did you say to them?"

"All I said," the chauffeur replied, "was, 'I'm Paris Hilton's driver, and I just killed the bitch.'"

:brent

[Steve M.]

Presidential candidate John Edwards, felling glum about being considered an also-ran behind Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, decides to confide in Pope Benedict XVI about his feelings that the press doesn't take him seriously. The Pope proposes that the two men go out on a lake in a small boat and discuss Edwards's problem. They hire a boat and go out on the lake. As they talk, a strong wind blows blows Benedict's skullcap off his head and out onto the water. "Don't worry, Your Holiness," says Edwards, "I will get your skullcap for you." He gets out on the boat and walks across the water to the skullcap. He picks it up and returns it to the Pope, much to Benedict's amazement. Meanwhile, the press is in another boat recording this miraculous event. The next day's headlines read: EDWARDS CAN'T SWIM. :rolleyes:

[Little Mel]

These are so true that they are almost not funny.

THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST ACCORDING TO JEFF FOXWORTHY

This is so accurate it's scary!!

You know you're from the Pacific Northwest When... (According To Jeff
Foxworthy)

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats rather than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"
Signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it
is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and
Veneto's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,
Yakima and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai
food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-
while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,"
and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of
mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see
through the cloud cover.

20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you
can actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but
still wear your hiking boots and parka

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the
socks on.

23. You have a! ctually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old
ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season
(Fall).

30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

Paris Hilton is riding through the country when her chauffeur sees a dog run out a farm onto the road. He steps on the brake, but he hits the dog. Getting out and looking at the dog, he can tell it's a female. The chauffeur tries to administer to her, but the dog is already dead. He tells Paris Hilton.

"Oh, crumb buns!" says Paris Hilton. "You'd better go up to the farmhouse and tell the farmer and his family, like, what happened."

The chauffeur goes to the house and knocks on the door. "Can I come in? I have something to tell you," he says to the farmer.

He goes in, and Paris Hilton ends up waiting in the car for three whole hours before her chauffeur returns. "What, like, took you so long?" she asks.

"I told the farmer and his family what happened," the chauffeur says. "The farmer hugged me and gave me some of his land. His wife cooked a big dinner for me, and their daughter wanted me to marry her. We just got engaged."

"Wow," Paris Hilton says, "even though you ran over their dog? What did you say to them?"

"All I said," the chauffeur replied, "was, 'I'm Paris Hilton's driver, and I just killed the bitch.'"

:brent:rofl:

[~NeonFire~]

Paris Hilton is riding through the country when her chauffeur sees a dog run out a farm onto the road. He steps on the brake, but he hits the dog. Getting out and looking at the dog, he can tell it's a female. The chauffeur tries to administer to her, but the dog is already dead. He tells Paris Hilton.

"Oh, crumb buns!" says Paris Hilton. "You'd better go up to the farmhouse and tell the farmer and his family, like, what happened."

The chauffeur goes to the house and knocks on the door. "Can I come in? I have something to tell you," he says to the farmer.

He goes in, and Paris Hilton ends up waiting in the car for three whole hours before her chauffeur returns. "What, like, took you so long?" she asks.

"I told the farmer and his family what happened," the chauffeur says. "The farmer hugged me and gave me some of his land. His wife cooked a big dinner for me, and their daughter wanted me to marry her. We just got engaged."

"Wow," Paris Hilton says, "even though you ran over their dog? What did you say to them?"

"All I said," the chauffeur replied, "was, 'I'm Paris Hilton's driver, and I just killed the bitch.'"

:brent
ROFL!

[Steve M.]

I'm a hit! :) :D

[catlover79]

This is a stupid joke I made up as a kid:

Q: What do you call a bratty chocolate chip??

A: A fudge-budget!!

(rim shot)

Thank you, I'm here all week!! :rolleyes: :lol:

[~NeonFire~]

I'm a hit! :) :D
Keep them coming! ;)

[~NeonFire~]

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
“A Troubled User”
----------------------

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

[Little Mel]

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over
the fact
that she had not had a date or any sex for
over 5
years. She was afraid there might be
something wrong
with her, so she decided to seek the medical
expertise
of the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.
Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said,
"OK, take off all your crose." The woman did
as she
was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery,
reery fass
to odderside of room." Again, the woman did
as she was
instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now
craw reery,
reery fass back to me."
As she did so, Dr. Chang shook his
head
slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed
Zachary
Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you
not haf
sex or dates.
" The woman asked anxiously, "Oh
my, Dr.
Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang
sighed
deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is
when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

[Little Mel]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." :rofl:

[Little Mel]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing ironwork on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

[Little Mel]

This one's freaking hilarious!!! :lol:


AMERICAN JOURNALISM

Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Marine
Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the
terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot
spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Tom Brokaw said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada"
one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played
the anthem. Brokaw sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said,"Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final
wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from
inside his fatigues, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he
leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with
gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their
lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Brokaw, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?"

"What!" replied the Marine, "And have you three assh*les report that I
carried out an unprovoked attack?" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Little Mel]

The Good Samaritan

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!" So I did. I get out of the hospital in three months. :lol: ;)

[Janice]

:lol: Brad...those are hilarious.

[Little Mel]

Here's another good one!!

Subject: Daddy Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[Steve M.]

A Texan visits a ranch in Australia. The Australian proudly shows him his cattle.

"Why, we got bigger cows than that," says the Texan.

The Australian then shows the Texan his sheep.

"Why, we have bigger sheep back in the Lone Star State," the Texan replies.

Just then a kangaroo hops by on the other side of the fence.

"What was that?" asks the Texan, astonished.

"That?" the Australian answers. "Oh, nothing, mate, jest one o' our pesky little grasshoppers." :lol:

[Little Mel]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and a! sked, " Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[Little Mel]

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)

[swedeace]

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)
:rofl: These are really good ones! I love the sarcasm in them! :lol:

[~NeonFire~]

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)
:lol:

[Little Mel]

I'm glad you guys liked that one!! Even being a guy, I have to admit, I thought it was pretty hilarious!! :lol:

[~NeonFire~]

Yeah. :lol:

[MsOrange]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and a! sked, " Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
i've heard that before, just told slightly differnt.... funny stuff :lol:

[Courtnee]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married within a short period of time.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good to the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent a card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: "Benson & Hedges."

Mom now knew to go straight to her
husbands cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Carribbean.

Mom waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it in shaky handwriting,
were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar Magizine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst, and finally
found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days week, both ways." Mom fainted.

[Courtnee]

Here's another good one!!

Subject: Daddy Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
:rofl:

[Courtnee]

:rofl:

[Melonhead00]

TLE: Melon, where's my Gatorade?
OMH: I ain't got no Gatorade
TLE: Yeah, you do, Melon. You're just hiding it.
OMH: No I don't have your G-G-Gatorade
TLE: Old Melonhead, and old sacka EAD
OMH: You fulla (bleep)!

TLE=Your's truly; OMH=Old Melonhead (father)

[treky]

:confused: :confused: :confused:

[LivinLaarge]

A man buys his wife a tombstone for there 20th anniversay after that he doesnt buy her anything
Wife-why dont you buy me anything anymore?
Husband-well you didnt use the last thing i got you so why should i?

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
well, i'm not one to laugh actually, I ran into the gym wall in the 6th grade and got a concution:lol: :lol: :lol:

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

:rofl: That's funny. We need one for the Republicans.
here here!

[Miss McGilacuddy]

A lady takes her duck to the Vet's office. The vet looks at the duck and tells the lady "I'm sorry but your duck is dead". The lady refuses to believe it and asks the Dr. to run some tests to make sure it really is dead. The Vet brings out a Black lab dog, the dog sniffs the duck, shakes it's head and walks away. The Vet then brings out a cat, the cat sniffs at the duck, shakes his head and walks away. The Vet says "Sorry miss, but like I said your duck is dead" he then gives her a bill for $250.00. The lady is shocked at the amount of the bill and asks the Vet why it is so much. The vet says to her "Well if you had taken my word for it that the duck was dead the bill would not have been so high, but after the Lab report and the Cat scan it's now $250.00.
Stupid joke, I know but for some reason it made me laugh.

[Steve M.]

A man walks up to the ticket counter at an airport with several suitcases bring carried in by a porter. "I'd like a ticket to Philadelphia," he tells the ticket agent. "Also, I'd like this bag sent to New York, the other bag sent to Chicago, this other bag here sent to Atlanta, and my carry-on sent to L.A."

The ticket agent looks at him blankly. "Sir," she says, "we can't do that."

The man replies, "You did the last time I flew on your airline!"

:lol:

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

:lol: (e-mail)

Kid Wisdom


If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.

awesome! those are my favorites! especially the last one!;)

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and a! sked, " Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

that was funny, very hilarious!

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

Want to hear a dirty joke???... pig fell in the mud
Want to hear a clean joke???... Pig took a bath with bubbles
Want to hear a dirty joke???... Bublles was his nextdoor neighbor!
;) :D

[Little Mel]

If you do not like jokes of a sexual nature, DO NOT READ THIS!!!


Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache
of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
th ere, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by...when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue,
and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley." :rofl:

[Courtnee]

If you do not like jokes of a sexual nature, DO NOT READ THIS!!!


Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache
of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
th ere, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by...when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue,
and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley." :rofl:
:rofl:

[swedeace]

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent! for starters, explain ing that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued ! to feel quite well. Since t he pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

--------------------

:rofl:

:brent

[treky]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Steve M.]

Did you hear about the cheapskate who married the half-witted girl? He heard she got fifty percent off. :lol:

Did you hear about the fashion model and the street mime? They got married for the intelligent conversation. :rotflmao:

[phoebe7165]

Not so much a joke but a pun....

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

Not so much a joke but a pun....

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I LOVE IT! pure brilliance!:lol:

[Steve M.]

Q: Why did the conjoined twins visit England?
A: So the other one could drive.

Borscht Belt humor. :D

[Holly]

The Death of Forrest Gump.



The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to the pearly gates and is met by St. Peter himself.

The good saint says, “Well Forrest, we’re glad to see you. We’ve heard a lot about you. I must tell you, however, that the place is filling up fast, so we’ve been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into heaven. You need to answer these three questions:

1. Which days of the week begin with the letter "T"?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?"



Forrest thinks for a moment and then replies, “Well, the first one - that’s easy. There are two of them – tomorrow and today.”

St. Peter’s eyes open wide in surprise: “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but, I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the second question?”



“Now that’s a bit harder,” says Forrest, “but I’ll guess the answer to be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

“Well, there’s got to be twelve,” Forrest answers. “January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd….”

“Hold it!” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this one, and I’ll have to give you credit for that too. Let’s go on to the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”



“Easy,” replies Forrest, “it’s Andy!”

“Andy?” exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. “Okay, I can understand how you can come up with your answers for the first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”



“Oh,” says Forrest, “that was the easiest of all: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I'm his own!”



St. Peter opens the pearly gates and says, “Run Forrest, Run!”

[Dynomite]

What's the only playing card that's higher than the Joker?

The Penguin!

[Steve M.]

You know how Scottish people are cheap?

A Scottish woman's husband died and she called the local newspaper to place an obituary. "How much does an obituary cost?" she asked the editor.

"A dollar a word," the editor replied.

"Print 'Angus died,'" she said.

"There's a five-word minimum," she was told.

She said, "Print 'Angus died. Car for sale.'"

:rotflmao:

[swedeace]

Why it's important to understand English:

When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian Guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change"? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty. Why it change?

The Teller shrugged her sholders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"!

:lol: :rofl: :brent

[Shine]

Why it's important to understand English:

When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian Guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change"? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty. Why it change?

The Teller shrugged her sholders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"!

:lol: :rofl: :brent

That's a good one, Mona. :lol:

[Steve M.]

A man manages after several attempts to grow an Australian whipper tree sapling in his front yard. Just then a young boy riding his bike loses control and hits the tree with his tire, causing the tree to snap off the stump.

The man looks at the kid and says, "YOU YOUNG WHIPPER SNAPPER!" :D

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

Why it's important to understand English:

When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian Guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change"? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty. Why it change?

The Teller shrugged her sholders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"!

:lol: :rofl: :brent

dear me...

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

The Death of Forrest Gump.



The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to the pearly gates and is met by St. Peter himself.

The good saint says, “Well Forrest, we’re glad to see you. We’ve heard a lot about you. I must tell you, however, that the place is filling up fast, so we’ve been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into heaven. You need to answer these three questions:

1. Which days of the week begin with the letter "T"?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?"



Forrest thinks for a moment and then replies, “Well, the first one - that’s easy. There are two of them – tomorrow and today.”

St. Peter’s eyes open wide in surprise: “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but, I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the second question?”



“Now that’s a bit harder,” says Forrest, “but I’ll guess the answer to be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

“Well, there’s got to be twelve,” Forrest answers. “January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd….”

“Hold it!” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this one, and I’ll have to give you credit for that too. Let’s go on to the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”



“Easy,” replies Forrest, “it’s Andy!”

“Andy?” exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. “Okay, I can understand how you can come up with your answers for the first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”



“Oh,” says Forrest, “that was the easiest of all: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I'm his own!”



St. Peter opens the pearly gates and says, “Run Forrest, Run!”



very cute, as a big Forrest fan, i enjoyed it thourougly! thnx

:lol: :) :D

[Seth]

The OCD Hokey-Pokey:

You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out....

[Janice]

The OCD Hokey-Pokey:

You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out....
:rofl:

[swedeace]

:lol:

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large man who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were
friends."
:rofl: This is a good one, Jenny! :lol:

[Steve M.]

A man walking on a beach in New Jersey finds a bottle and opens it. A genie pops out and tells the startled man he will grant him one wish.

"I know just what I want," the man says. I've always wnated to go to Europe but I am afraid of flying and I can't afford a stateroom on the Queen Mary 2. Could you build a bridge across the Atlantic to let me drive to Europe?"

"What?" says the genie. That's virtually impossible. There's all the engineering involved, all the steel and concrete, the need to keep shipping lanes going, fishing waters. . . . Don't you have another wish I could grant?"

"Well," says the man, "I've always wanted to understand women. What are they like? What do they think? What do they want from men? What makes them tick?"

The genie mulls it over and replies, "You want two lanes or four?"

:rotflmao:

(I may have posted this joke before, but what the heck. . . .)

[Jenya]

The Wizard of Oil (http://www.dudehisattva.com/wizard_of_oil.htm)

Rated "PG" for "Pretty Gross". :jar:

[freshprinceofLA]

what did the fish say when it was swiming and it crashed into a wall?
-Dam

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

what did the fish say when it was swiming and it crashed into a wall?
-Dam

i think that was one of the first jokes i was ever told... :D

[globalspot28]

Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[Steve M.]

I once went to my shrink and told him I wanted to discuss my problem with dealyed gratification. He told me I'd have to wait. :lol:

[swedeace]

FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all......."

The teacher fainted.

[Steve M.]

I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.

What did I feel when I woke up? A little down in the mouth! :rotflmao:

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all......."

The teacher fainted.
ROTF


gosh, that was funny!

luv the Jesus saves one as well, i'll have to pass it on!

[Little Mel]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipedyour nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."

[swedeace]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipedyour nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."
:rofl:! That's a good one!!! Hahahaha... :lol:

[swedeace]

:lol:

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and
a dyslexic?

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really
is a dog.
That's a good one!! :lol:

[Steve M.]

A county sheriff corners an Italian mobster who's wanted for a bank robbery. The mobster doesn't speak English, so a translator is called to the scene to get the mobster to surrender

"You tell him," the sheriff tells the translator, "that if he doesn't admit to the bank robbery and tell me where he hid the loot, I'm going to shoot him."

The translator tells the mobster, who denies the accusations in Italian. The translator says to the sheriff, "He denies everything."

"Tell him again," says the sheriff, "that I know he pulled the robbery, and if he doesn't tell me where the money is, I'll shoot him."

Tjhe transaltor repeats the sheriff's threats to the mobster, who again denies the accusations. "He still denies it."

The sheriff cocks his gun. "Tell him I'm giving him one last chance." The translator does so. Upon seeing the sheriff getting ready to fire, the mobster confesses. "No, no," he says in Italian, "please don't shoot! I have a wife and family who need me. Spare me! I took the money. I buried it at the foot of the two elms in the city park near the fountain."

The translator says to the sheriff, "He says he don't care, shoot him!" :rotflmao:

[Steve M.]

Jerry Garcia dies and finds himself walking down a long tunnel. When he comes out, he sees several rock stars who have died before him. Elvis Presley is practicing vocals with Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon are strumming their guitars, Rick Grech is tuning his bass, and Keith Moon is checking his drum kit. Just then Garcia sees Ron "Pig Pen" McKernan on keyboards.

"Pig Pen" Garcia says.

"Jerry?" McKernan says. "Is that you? You just died?"

"Yeah," Garcia says, "the drugs finally caught up with me, man. But it's good to see you here, as well as Elvis, Jimi, Janis, Lennon."

"At least we're all together," McKernan agrees.

"Yeah," Garcia says, "I'm glad I made it to heaven."

"Uh." McKernan says, "I got bad news for you, pal. This isn't heaven."

"What are you talking about?" Garcia asks in astonishment. "Elvis, Janis, Moonie, Rick Grech from Traffic - how could this not be heaven?"

Just then Karen Carpenter walks up to the front of the band and says, "All right, everyone, we're going to do "Close To You" for the 6,546,516,858th time, and we're going to keep doing it until we get it right."

:rofl: :brent

[globalspot28]

5 Smart-@ss Comebacks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Smart @ss Answer ..5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
***************

Smart @ss Answer ..4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************

Smart @ss Answer ..3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************

Smart @ss Answer ..2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*******************

..1 SMART @ss ANSWER
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart @ss guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

[KissMyGrits]

:lol:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since their delivery people actually are Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my behind.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up a $5.00 bill I found in the parking lot at my local shopping mall because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

IMPORTANT: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

^^^lol!!!!


Ugg.... I hate forwarded emails!!!

I always just delete them!


that's pretty cute though!....


... I think i might just forward that to all the annoying people who forward me emails!

[Seth]

I've always wondered - if you don't pay a prostitute is it considered shoplifting?

:p

[Steve M.]

And why is it illegal to sell something - sex - that's perfectly legal to give away?

George Carlin said that.

[Steve M.]

Patient: Doctor, I'm suffering from amnesia.
Doctor: How long have you had it?
Patient: Had what?

:lol:

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

Heck is the place were people go if they don't believe in gosh.

teehee.
I luv puns!!!

[Penny Lane]

Have you heard about the pregnant rabbit?



She had an ingrown hare;)

[Penny Lane]

I've always wondered - if you don't pay a prostitute is it considered shoplifting?

:p


Ok Seth. How do you make a hormone?

You don't pay her.:D :wave:

[Penny Lane]

Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...






10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

[Penny Lane]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills"
**************************
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.

[Janice]

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON A PLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4 Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky, and move your lips as if praying.

6. Then hit this link (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf)

[Pus$y Galore]

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON A PLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4 Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky, and move your lips as if praying.

6. Then hit this link (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf)



:rofl: And for the men, make sure you've got as much beard growth as possible and be wearing your Nikes! ;)

(This reminds me of the story coming back from Dallas last January - Janice, I'm sure I told you about it - if not, I'll email you).

[Pus$y Galore]

I've always wondered - if you don't pay a prostitute is it considered shoplifting?

:p


OH MAN have I got a great comeback for this one, but can't say it on the boards. ;)


We need an "18 +" board!! :lol:

[tv star collector]

Dog Talk
=========

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he
sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak,
he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could
talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government,
so I told them. In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in.

"I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a bunch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

[tv star collector]

"Now the melancholy days have come," Groucho Marx wrote to pal and fellow
comic Fred Allen on Dec. 23, 1953. "The department stores call it Christmas.
Other than for children and elderly shut-ins, the thing has developed to such
ridiculous proportions--well, I won't go into it. This is not an original nor novel
observation, and I am sure everyone in my position has similar emotions. Some
of the recipients are so ungrateful.

"For example, yesterday I gave the man who cleans my swimming pool $5. This morning I found two dead fish floating in the drink. Last year I gave the
mailman $5. I heard later he took the five bucks, bought two quarts of rotgut
and went on a three-week bender. I didn't get any mail from Dec. 24th to
Jan. 15th. For Christmas, I bought the cook a cookbook. She promptly fried it,
and we had it for dinner last night. It was the first decent meal we had in
three weeks. From now on I am going to buy all my food at the bookstore."

[Holly]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Shine]

Two-Day Course For Men

Evening classes for men!

Open to men only - all are welcome

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

Day One

How to fill ice cube trays
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

Toilet rolls - Do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion

Differences between laundry basket & floor
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

Dishes & silverware - Do they levitate to kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves?
Debate among a panel of experts.

Remote control
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

Learning how to find things
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

Day Two

Empty milk cartons - Do they belong in the fridge or the bin?
Group discussion and role play

Heath watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your heath
PowerPoint presentation

Real men ask for directions when they are lost
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation

Living with adults - Basic differences between your mother and your partner
Online class and role playing

How to be the ideal shopping companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

Remembering important dates & calling when when you're going to be late
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

Getting over it
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time


:lol:

[Cactus Jack]

"Now the melancholy days have come," Groucho Marx wrote to pal and fellow
comic Fred Allen on Dec. 23, 1953. "The department stores call it Christmas.
Other than for children and elderly shut-ins, the thing has developed to such
ridiculous proportions--well, I won't go into it. This is not an original nor novel
observation, and I am sure everyone in my position has similar emotions. Some
of the recipients are so ungrateful.

"For example, yesterday I gave the man who cleans my swimming pool $5. This morning I found two dead fish floating in the drink. Last year I gave the
mailman $5. I heard later he took the five bucks, bought two quarts of rotgut
and went on a three-week bender. I didn't get any mail from Dec. 24th to
Jan. 15th. For Christmas, I bought the cook a cookbook. She promptly fried it,
and we had it for dinner last night. It was the first decent meal we had in
three weeks. From now on I am going to buy all my food at the bookstore."
The last part :rotflmao:

[Steve M.]

Two-Day Course For Men

Evening classes for men!

Open to men only - all are welcome

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

Day One

How to fill ice cube trays
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

Toilet rolls - Do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion

Differences between laundry basket & floor
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

Dishes & silverware - Do they levitate to kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves?
Debate among a panel of experts.

Remote control
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

Learning how to find things
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

Day Two

Empty milk cartons - Do they belong in the fridge or the bin?
Group discussion and role play

Heath watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your heath
PowerPoint presentation

Real men ask for directions when they are lost
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation

Living with adults - Basic differences between your mother and your partner
Online class and role playing

How to be the ideal shopping companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

Remembering important dates & calling when when you're going to be late
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

Getting over it
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time


That's not funny!! :mad:

[tv star collector]

[Excerpts from a feature reprinted in TV Guide Roundup, published in 1960]

Like to beat the TV serviceman out of a few bucks? You can do
it with the handy home trouble-shooter's guide below. You don't even need
tools. This simple, easy-to-use chart lists most of the common TV ailments
you can fix yourself. Just look for the symptom that describes your TV trouble, and get to work.

SYMPTOM: Picture is accompanied by loud, squealing noises.
CAUSE: Stray resonant fields in the vicinity of the TV set.
REMEDY: Put the kids to bed.

SYMPTOM: Insufficient vertical resolution, poor signal-to-nose ratio plus
horizontal misalignment.
CAUSE: Negatively charged electrons imprisoned in ion trap, resulting in
cathodic oscillation.
REMEDY: Pound on top of set until picture returns.

SYMPTOM: Picture seems to be going uphill all the time.
CAUSE: House is settling.
REMEDY: Tilt TV set until picture is horizontal.

SYMPTOM: Impossible to get picture with rabbit-ears.
CAUSE: Most pictures don't have rabbit-ears.
REMEDY: Visit a rabbit farm.

SYMPTOM: Screen blank. No picture or sound.
CAUSE: Insufficient electronic drive.
REMEDY: Pay electric bill.

SYMPTOM: Horizontal lines across picture.
CAUSE: "Venetian blind" interference.
REMEDY: Either raise the blind or stop watching TV through window.

SYMPTOM: Snow on TV set.
CAUSE: Air conditioner turned up too high.
REMEDY: If set has a metal cabinet, remove snow with damp rag. If cabinet
is wood, sweep off excess snow and rub to high luster with a good furniture
polish.

SYMPTOM: Picture breaks up every time a car goes by.
CAUSE: Ignition interference.
REMEDY: Barricade street and detour all traffic.

SYMPTOM: Two stations on same channel at same time.
CAUSE: Co-channel interference.
REMEDY: Cheer up--some people can't even get one station.

SYMPTOM: Can't even get one station.
CAUSE: No-channel interference.
REMEDY: Cheer up--some people get two stations at the same time.

SYMPTOM: Picture flutters when planes fly overhead.
CAUSE: Aircraft interference.
REMEDY: Buy an antiaircraft gun.

SYMPTOM: Set turns on in the middle of the night after everyone has gone
to bed.
CAUSE: Ghosts.
REMEDY: Move to another house.

[Augustus McCrae]

A WOMAN'S POEM:



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.





A MAN'S POEM:



I pray for a deaf-mute gymnist nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

[Janice]

^ :lol: at those cartoons, Jenny.

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

okay okay, my new fav joke:
Girls don't poop. They don't have an ******* until they're married.

[rperegrine75]

How does a Redneck tell how fast the wind in blowing?

He looks at his friend to see what angle his Mullet is flowing!

[Seth]

Did you ever hear the one about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

[tv star collector]

Three Proofs that Jesus Was...
==============================

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin,
and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd,
at a moments notice,
when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it.
Even dead, he had to get up
because there was more work for him to do.

[The Great One]

Did you know that a man who runs in front of a car would eventually get tired and that a man who runs behind a car would soon get exhausted. :D

[PunkyP0WER]

:rotflmao: very clever great one

[The Great One]

:rotflmao: very clever great one

Thanks! :)