LILHAVE LAUGHTER ARCHIVE

[lilhave]

I'm sure all want to increase their knowledge of the universe, so here goes.


Things you should have learned by now

Things you should have learned by the time you have reached Middle age.

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Wherever you go, there you are.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

17. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

19. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

20. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

22. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

23. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

24. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

25. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

26. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

27. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat

28. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

29. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

30. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

31. You should not confuse your career with your life.

32. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

33. Never lick a steak knife.

34. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

35. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

36. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

37. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

38. Your friends love you anyway.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.

"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 380L convertible." Author Unknown.

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children'". A Mum.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

"3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. "


Oh I want a shirt that says that ...pllllllease...


Please please please.

[messiahofpower]

"3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. "


Oh I want a shirt that says that ...pllllllease...


Please please please.



This one caught my eye as well. I want a dozen shirts:)

[debwalsh]

I love these lists. Thank you for sharing!

[lilhave]

The new Card Game, ISLAMIC POKER: You lose a hand, you lose a hand!

Fairly Serious Putty

Lil' Electrical Outlet Licker

The new Card Game, 5200 Card Pickup: Keeps kids busy all day.

Ginsu Boomerang

The Duncan YO: It never comes back up. It teaches kids how to live with disappointment.

The Pee Wee Herman Pull Toy.

Nintendo 63: this one was pretty easy to come by this holiday, for some reason.

Capitalizing on pitcher Hideo Nomo’s success, the new toy: Tickle Me Nomo.

Hasbro's Lil' Barber

Another one capitalizing on the Tickle Me Elmo success, the new toy: Tickle Me Carrot Top

Don King Hair Care products.

Angry Bird-In-A-Bag

Mike Tyson’s Hooked on Phonics.

The John Goodman AB sculptor.

New treasure hunt toy: You get to comb out the beard of the Men’s Wearhouse Guy. I guarantee it!

Mick Jagger brand Chap Stick

The new doll: Turnip Patch Kids

A gift certificate for Hannibal Lechter’s new BBQ restaurant.

The new video by Don Knotts in a purple dinosaur suit: Barney Fife

Doggie Dentist

An actual copy of the latest Star Trek screenplay, “Live Long and Perspire”.

A selection of Vin Diesel brand shampoo products.


Harvey

[Lamont]

Id buy most of them!!! :p

[lilhave]

Sorry, no selling. Wanna get booted?

Harvey

[savageamusement]

I can't say I was a big fan of the Lil barber set----


I would however like to order the "Ginsu Boomerang" if you can hook me up...

I am willing to trade my string collection, partially chewed gum collection and my latest Bazooka Joke for it.
:lol:

[lilhave]

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?


2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the
center of the earth?


3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?


4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?


5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****?


6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?


7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?


8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?


9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?


10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say
"I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Harvey

[Dragonbear]

I read this. Laughed.

Then realize that we really need to find you a new hobby
if these are what you're thinking about :-)

[lilhave]

Where To Live After Retirement

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it
may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean,MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.


Harvey

[T-Greg]

Those are funny. As far as the deep south, those things (with the exception of "y'all) are prevalent in rural parts only. Number 4 sounds like the Walton family (The TV show, not the family that owns Walmart).

[lilhave]

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeurve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo."
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, ****head?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run.)
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right.'
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap just for formal occasions.
You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message "for a good time call..." because you feel guilty about putting it there.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."
You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas you put gin in the gas tank.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you leave your house you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You have an Elvis Jello mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was 'Friends in Low Places.'
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Yer mom calls ya over t'help 'cause she has a flat tire...on her house!
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
Dolly Parton reminds you of the 'Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
You grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible."
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking as soon as it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.

Harvey

[lilhave]

When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
It's you're first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...
The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot.
If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.
When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
Fire drills always occur on your day from hell
The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"
The Nursing Catch-22:
If you're running around horribly busy, you're unorganized and need to prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work to do.
,
You do the "Just discharged the Patient from Hell" dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like you're their next patient.

Last thing you want to hear a doctor say is 'whoops'

Harvey

[lilhave]

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above (below?) your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
* When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts.
* I prefer the sign that says "No Entry" to the one that says "No Exit"
* It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies.
* Sometimes I feel like such an incredible nothing.
* It's funny how entertaining you can be to some people just by listening to them.
* Compact cars make people look bigger.
* No pleasure is enjoyed without some measure of pain.
* If you clap with one hand, will it make a sound?
* Less is more.
* The first condition of immortality is death.
* They can because they think they can.
* Think before you think.
* To be a leader, watch where others are headed then run out in front of them.
* Fear not that your life will end, but rather that it will never begin.
* Strangers are only friends we haven't met.
* That which we are, we are...
* Sure it's a cruel world, but where else is there to go.
* We are the people our parents warn us about.
* Some people think it's the holding on that makes us strong. Sometimes it's the letting go.
* Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit.
* If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
* Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea.
* The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
* It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money.
* Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
* All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
* Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
* Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
* The breakfast of champions is the opposition.
* If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
* Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
* Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.
* Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.
* Decadence is its own reward.
* An honest politician is one who stays bought.
* Organize for anarchy!
* Circular definition: see "circular definition."
* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!
* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
* I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

[savageamusement]

" When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts."



Where is my math teachers email address.....:p :p :p

[lilhave]

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?


If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

[savageamusement]

"3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day."


Oh I am defiantely a midwest girl....


I have been going through this all week.

[lilhave]

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.

7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11.) Never lick a steak knife.

12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.

Harvey

[padre]

5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

...nor will he appear on a piece of toast, potato chip, or other food item!!

[jennymcc]

Great stuff! And, I'm sure there are quite a few of us on this list that can identify with #3! :)

[konnann1996]

You can live in the Midwest where...
describes Ohio perfectly

[lilhave]

LIFE IN THE 1500'S Interesting Sayings!

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's:

These are interesting.

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May
and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence
the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children! Last of all the babies. By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other
small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the
saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up
your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the
top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence
the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to
help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh
until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece
of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the
pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been
there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off
a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on
the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom
of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist
of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie
it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
"graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by
the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring !

Educate someone...Share these facts with a friend!

Harvey

[lilhave]

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Harvey

[Lamont]

How did u get a hold of my evaluations???? My boss said he wouldn't show people!!!!!


ha ha ha

:lol: :happyface

[lilhave]

Someone from the CPS board sent it to me.

Harvey, with friends in high places

[lilhave]

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Airline people do too have a sense of humor!

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines emp! loyee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pre! ssure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to theterminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so ! sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendantaccidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes

To be is to do. -Voltaire

Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
-Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
-The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
-Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
-Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you can piss this high, join the fire department.

On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. -Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

Harvey

[Lamont]

:wave: i promise to stop writing all of these on the bathroom walls

i cant help it, im just addicted to the pen!

[lilhave]

It's bad enough you wrote on the walls but with pictures also?

Harvey, who is buying Mr. Clean to work on the walls. I'll leave that last message, for a good time, call Bubbles at 626-3000

[lilhave]

1. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
2. How can there be self-help "groups"?
3. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
4. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
5. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
6. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
7. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
8. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
9. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong, and we are doing right when we kill them?
10. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
11. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
12. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
13. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
14. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Harvey

[savageamusement]

12. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? "

I never thought about that..and I find it fascinating and funny..

Thanks for breaking up the humdrum!!!

[lilhave]

What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamp?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they mess up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
A: "Senator."

I broke a mirror in my house the other day. I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck -- but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

Q: Why don't lawyer jokes work?
A: Because lawyers don't find them funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Did you hear about a lawyer that fell overboard from a cruise ship and was last seen circling a school of frightened sharks?

Harvey

[lilhave]

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Harvey

[savageamusement]

OKay Tv Trader fans....


http://www.angryalien.com/

[staypuftman2004]

:lol: :rofl:

[RedWhine56]

What a trip!!!! (I notice they didn't have "Rabbit Test"!)

:rotflmao:

[jennymcc]

OMG! I Love these!! Thanks for the link!!

[KristinHerreraFan]

omg the exorcist one cracked me up :rofl:

[lilhave]

Laws Of The Natural Universe

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Harvey

[geekfemme]

20. Cat Derriere Law. (I just verified this one TWICE this week). If your cat comes in and starts walking around on your bed at night, and it's pitch black, he will invariably sit on your head.:(

[savageamusement]

I know it wasn't exactly trader forum related, but oh my gosh they cracked me up so much I had to share.

I think Jaws was my favorite lol-


Glad you all liked it :)

[lilhave]

Top 45 Oxymoron’s:

45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt Head

26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Childproof

21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate

1. Microsoft Works

Harvey

[savageamusement]

You forgot my favorite

Jumbo Shrimp

[lilhave]

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .

. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.

. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.

. . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

. . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

. . . your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

. . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.

. . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

. . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

. . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.

. . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

. . . you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny

. . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

. . . you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads:
"WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"

. . . your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test

. . . you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers

. . . when someone accuses you of faking humor

. . . your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move
me."

. . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up

. . . you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

Harvey

[lilhave]

Perhaps You Have Weight Problem?

If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you witha limo?

* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?

* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?

* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?

* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?

* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?

* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?

* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?

* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?

* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?

Harvey

[savageamusement]

* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship? "


OUCH


Hahahhaa...

[marvelousmarcus]

Has the U.S. Post Office assigned you your personal zip code?

[savageamusement]

If Harvey would finally stop playing hard to get and take me to Coney Island, I know I could bulk up :)


I hear they have Cotton Candy and Harvey knows how much I love Cotton Candy.

:blush: :heart: :blush: :heart: :blush: :heart: :blush: :heart: :blush:

[lilhave]

I live 10 minutes from Coney. We can go to Nathan's for hotdogs and then the roller coaster. It will get warm soon, so bring a thong bikini.

Harvey who has his camera ready.

[lilhave]

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

My side hurts, literally hurts from reading that..

"21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. "


Oh even just quoting that made me laugh again...

[JeffRuss1972]

24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Harvey

:lol:

[lilhave]

Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children ...
Why did God make mothers?

She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
Mostly to clean the house.
To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?

He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?

God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

We're related.
God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?

My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

His last name.
She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?

My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?

Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?

Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?

Mothers don't do spare time.
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?

On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Love Through the Eyes of Children
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year- olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell! each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore," Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare ! - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6 ! ; -"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 6

Harvey

[lilhave]

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave
me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality
comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story
building.

I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a
huge aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him!

Smoke dynamite... it'll really blow your mind.

Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells as well as body
weight.
It's a case of think or slim.

My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll
take it to the repair shop and see what develops. People think I
broke it but the crime isn't so black and white. Ah, I get the
picture - I'm being framed!

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive
blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm
sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"

Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls?
He left no tern unstoned.

If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get
foam on the range?

My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher.


We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what
it used to be.

My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C
shells by the seashore.

A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the
Sects Offenders List.

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What
are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my
back."

Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.

A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks:
"Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"

Perforation is a rip-off!

A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when
the company folded.

And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing
company that had a problem with staff...
Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping
on the job.

And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an
asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

Those were baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad......I think i remember some of those from my Bazooka wrappers.

[lilhave]

Think You Are Technologically Challenged
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key"to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't 'see" the printer.
9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
13. True story from a Novell Net Wire Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is the Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting tha
t fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
14. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine,"
15. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard,Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!"

Harvey

[KonfusionFTC]

the cup holder one is the best ahahahahaah

[savageamusement]

:14. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine," "

Priceless...

[lilhave]

Things You Really Don't Wanna Know

1. What they mean by "chicken parts" on the list of ingredients in hot dogs
2. What the "other" is in "palm, soybean, lard, or other oils"
3. What salad bars were like before "sneeze guards"
4. How "aged" your steak really is
5. How somebody found out that licking frogs (and only a very specific species of frog) had hallucinogenic effects
6. How many inferior red food-coloring agents were used before chemists stumbled on an extract from the Guatemalan banana beetle
7. That "monosodium glutamate" is actually worse than it sounds
8. What the sources are for all those ingredients in multi-vitamin tablets
9. How the heck hamburger gets contaminated with e-coli bacteria in the first place!
10. What other techniques were tried before early cheese makers discovered that the scrapings from the inside of a calf's stomach would curdle milk
11. What kind of animal a "salisbury" is
12. Why with all the folds, cracks, crevices, and layers on a head of lettuce that you never find even the smallest bug or worm
13. Why the "Ground Fresh Today" sticker on the package of hamburger meat doesn't have a date stamp. And the one that says "Ground Fresh Monday," doesn't say which Monday.
14. Why the Department of Agriculture had to set a limit of "four and one-half gnats or parts thereof" in a 16 ounce jar of apple sauce
15. If "You can't believe it's not butter!" then what is it really?

Harvey

[lilhave]

1.The letter 'E' doesn't appear at all in E.V. Wright's 50,000-word 1939 novel "Gadsby".
2. Underground is the only English word that begins and ends in UND.
3. Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties in climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.
4. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
6. Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Haley's Comet came into veiw. When He died in 1910, Haley's Comet came into view again.
7. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
8. The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is 'Live Free or Die'. These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.
9. Only two states' names begin with double consonants: Florida and Rhode Island.
10. On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons,' Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15.
11. In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role.
12. Only humans and horses have hymens.
13. Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus.
14. "Speak of the Devil" is short for "Speak of the Devil and he shall come". It was believed that if you spoke about the Devil it would attract his attention. That's why when you're talking about someone and they show up people say "Speak of the Devil."
15. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
16. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
17. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
18. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
19. The oldest word in the English language is "town."
20. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: Indivisibility.
21. In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it's smiling.)
22. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
23. The two lines that connect your top lip to the bottom of your nose are known as the philtrum.
24. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
25. Hummingbirds are the only animals able to fly backwards.

Harvey

[Lamont]

I might be on jeopardy one day harvey,
and this posting might help me win a million dollars

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[savageamusement]

:cat:

[lilhave]

Let's Have A Baby... Questions And Answers

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Harvey

[Disney Guru]

Um that's both funny and kinda makes me stop and think.

Because my mom's computer knowledge is quite like that, she has done the funniest things. For instance once my brother asked her to burn her a cd of some files that she had on her computer. And she didn't do it, my brother asked why and she said "i couldn't find the burn button on the keyboard"

Lol, my brother and i sat there laughing. I thought my mom was going to go through the ceiling.

[lilhave]

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Harvey

[lilhave]

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an *******.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Oil Change Instructions For Women/Men:

Oil Change Instructions For Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00


Oil Change Instructions For Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00

Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right

Harvey

[lilhave]

Oil Change Instructions For Women/Men:

Oil Change Instructions For Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00


Oil Change Instructions For Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00

Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right

Harvey

[lilhave]

Kids Answers From a Catholic Elementary School Test

ANSWERS FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST




PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BE RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED.



INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.



1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.



2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.



3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.



4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.



5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.



6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.



7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.



8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.



9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.



10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.



11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.



12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.



13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.



14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.



15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.



16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.



17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.



18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.



19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT
ALONE.



20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.



21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.



22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.



23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.



24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.



25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


Harvey

[lilhave]

Words of Wisdom

1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. [Eww!]
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
11. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
13. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
15. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
16. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
17. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
18. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
19. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Harvey

[Lamont]

17. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?



Nudist that I ever knew personally was a 350 pound mexican lady that I knew back in TX

:grady:

[lilhave]

Facts Of Life

1. People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
2. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
3. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.
4. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
5. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
6. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely
7. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?
8. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
9. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
10. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
11. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Harvey

[Lamont]

Facts Of Life

1. People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Harvey


DEPENDS ON WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[lilhave]

DEPENDS ON WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Is that why you have shades in your basement?

Harvey

[savageamusement]

I'll be one of those ladies with tattooes!

You said you didn't care Harvey sniff...and you didn't draw any blinds either now that i think about it..

You'll have to do some sweet talking to get that bikini on me again..

[lilhave]

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.
But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2 Now, ! while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.

Harvey

[KonfusionFTC]

i just did it easily.. lol i have good seperation of making diffferent body parts do different things..

[lilhave]

i just did it easily.. lol i have good seperation of making diffferent body parts do different things..

I promise, you did something wrong. It just can't be done. Scouts honor.


Harvey.

Remember, lift up your right foot, turn it clockwise and at the same time, with your finger draw the number 6 in the air.

[KonfusionFTC]

lol i can do it. i practice movements like this all the time.. only first time i tryed to do it my leg got stuck and followed the hand but second time and then on i got it.. lol if u said left foot do counter clockwise do back wards 6 with left hand. i couldnt do it. my left foot is retarded..

[KonfusionFTC]

just get the momentum of the foot then some how block it out. then do the hand..

[loren]

must be an age thing

i can do it every time

this just proves that harvey can make someone do whatever he chooses

[Lamont]

Is this one of those tricks that ONLY applies to the over 90 crowd?!?!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[KonfusionFTC]

lol haahahaha..

[Ant-Lox]

Oh that was weird, I did it after about 20 tries....lol....

[lilhave]

You will like at least one of these:

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger".

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chessnuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Harvey

[Lamont]

You will like at least one of these:
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


Harvey


OK I like that one

:lol:

[jennymcc]

I love these things! Here's another:

A man raised animals on a small farm in the Midwest. The farm was a peaceful place. One day a pig was found murdered in the barn.

Upset, the farmer was determined to find the killer. The only witness was a rabbit. The farmer lined up all the suspects: a cow, a young goat, a horse and a rooster. He told the rabbit to pick out the killer. The rabbit hopped up and down the line. He stopped and nodded his head at the young goat. Nervously, the accused goat said, "I didn't do it!"

The farmer replied, "Hare's looking at you, kid."

:lol: :lol: :rotflmao:

[jennymcc]

One more and I'll stop:

A guy who is very fastidious takes his cat to the vet. He is sure the cat is ill, but the symptoms are very vague and uncertain. The vet has seen these cases before. He puts the cat on a table and examimes it from every angle. He lays the cat down and looks it over, again from every angle. Then he takes out a syringe and gives the cat an injection. He tells the man the cat will be fine now, and he can take it home.

At the front desk the clerk says "that will be $315."

"What? That must be SOME medicine!"

"Oh, no," says the clerk, "the medicine was only $15; the $300 was for the cat scan."

[lilhave]

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

Q: What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
A: Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.

An university student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.

A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.


Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
They fight tooth and nail!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She had her baby in the spring.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up.

How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
With sky scrapers.

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
Use the rear defrogger.

How do you revive a drowning rodent?
Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

Harvey

[jennymcc]

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.



Which reminds me:

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!:wave:

[jie3]

Tom and Harry walking down the street. Tom stops and shouts 'look Harry! Someone's thrown a perfectly good picture away'. He picks it up, looks at it and says 'I recognise him from somewhere'. Harry takes a look and realising that it is infact a mirror and not a picture, he says 'You idiot! Of course you recognise him, it's me!'

While working on the farm, Tom falls into the milk vat. Harry runs over 'Tom! you ok?. Tom says 'I'm fine, but there's nothin but cow's milk in here'. 'Is it pasturise?', 'No, just up to my knees'

While camping, Harry asks Tom for a match to light a fire. Despite has best efforts, he can't get the match to light. He says 'Tom, this match is a dud, it won't light at all'. Tom replys 'That's strange, it worked ten minutes ago'


i've got loads of these, but I'll spare your sanity!

[lilhave]

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."


Harvey

[Lamont]

without harvey to make me laugh

:lol:

[lilhave]

Just Who Is Jack Schitt Anyway?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as "Noe Schitt-Sherlock."

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the "Schitt-Happens" wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were: Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.


Harvey

[Lamont]

are you schitt - ing me?

[lilhave]

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? =20

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? Now I know why I flunked English. It's not my fault-the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.

[Lamont]

did u used to play the Catskills back in the late 1950s/early 1960s

ha ha ha

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[lilhave]

Murphy's Laws

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Everything takes longer than you think.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly
develop.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Mother nature is a bitch.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy's Law of Research
Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Murphy's Law of Copiers
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.

The Murphy Philosophy
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws
Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy's Constant
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value




Murphy's Laws of love

All the good ones are taken.

If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)

The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.

Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.

The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.

Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.

Nice guys(girls) finish last.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.




Murphy's Laws of sex

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

No sex with anyone in the same office.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

The younger the better.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

Love is a hole in the heart.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

Do it only with the best.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

The world does not revolve on an axis.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

"This won't hurt, I promise."


Murphy's Laws of Technology

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental
solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All's well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume,
humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Everything that goes up must come down.

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.


Murphy's Laws of Mathematics

Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will do the most damage to the calculation.

All constants are variables.

In any given computation the figure that is most obviously correct will be the source of error.

A decimal will always be misplaced.


Murphy's Laws of Engineering

The more innocuous a design change appears, the further its influence will extend.

The firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable term, velocity for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

An important instruction manual or operating manual will have been discarded by the receiving department.


Murphy's Laws of Prototyping

Any wire cut to length will be be too short.

Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.

Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical in the field.

The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for that component.

If a project requires 'N' components, there will be 'N-1' units in stock.

If a particular resistance is required, that value will be unavailable. Further, it cannot be developed with any available series or parallel combination.

A dropped tools will land where it can do must damage.

A device selected at random from a group having 99% reliability will be a member of the 1% group.

When one connects a 3-phase line, the phase sequence will be wrong.

A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.

The probability of a dimension being omitted from a plan or drawing will be directly proportional to its importance.

Interchangeable parts won't.

Probability of failure of a component, assembly, sub-system or system is inversely proportional to ease of repair or replacement.

If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent production units will malfunction.

Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.

A DC meter will be used on an overly sensitive range and will be wired in backwards.


Murphy's Laws For Frequent Flyers

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.


Murphy's Laws For BBS'ing

The day after you buy the fastest new modem, they will change the standard so that your modem can only talk to modems of the same brand (only 100 of which were ever sold).

The factory will ship the wrong manual with your modem and you will spend hours finding and setting dip switches that aren't even on your modem.

However the modem comes set from the factory, it will be the WRONG way to work on your machine.

No matter what solution you devise to fix a problem with your modem, it will lead to the creation of at least four other problems.

Whenever a caller has problems using the BBS, the user will insist the problem is on the sysop's side and the sysop will insist the problem is on the caller's side.

If you fail to follow the advice of more experienced modemers and use the same password on every BBS you call, someone will steal your password and make lewd comments about the sysop's mother on the boards you WERE on.

If you DO follow the advice of more experienced modemers and use a totally different password on every BBS you call, you will forget the password of the board where your date has left a message telling you where to meet them tonight.

Your spouse, who rarely visits you at your computer, will stop by at the exact moment you've receive a flirtatious page from another user...You REALLY have never chatted with them before!

You will always forget to disable call waiting when connected to a pay-by-the-minute BBS.

A truely great BBS is either illegal, immoral, or long distance from you.

If a file takes more than 30 minutes to download, someone in your house will pick up the phone within the last 15 seconds.

No matter how neutral the topic, your message will offend SOMEONE.

The first time you forget to scan your file downloads for viruses will be the first time in your life you'll actually get a virus.

Murphy's Law of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

The more a weapon costs,the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

Murphy was a grunt.

Beer Math -- 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Body count Math -- 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.

The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

The crucial round is a dud.

Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.

There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.

If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).

There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

Walking point = sniper bait.

Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

All or any of the above combined


More of Murphy's Laws

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A free agent is anything but.

As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.

Exceptions always outnumber rules. Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

Interchangeable parts won't.

Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

Quality assurance doesn't.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

The one item you want is never the one on sale.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.

The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

You never want the one you can afford.

Harvey

[lilhave]

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Harvey

[Lamont]

there are lots of dumb people out there :lol:

[lilhave]

Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:

Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear GOD:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey

Dear GOD:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear GOD:
I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy

Dear GOD:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD:
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD:
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear GOD:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD:
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD:
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD:
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be MaryHorton - because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD:
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD:
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD:
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott

Dear GOD:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob

Dear GOD:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD:
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear GOD:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD:
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles

Dear GOD:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene

Harvey

[savageamusement]

Dear GOD:
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael"

Oh well ..hmph. If I was God and the kid woudn't give up the chess set, deal would be off.

[savageamusement]

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

Yeah they tell you that afterwords.

It's ok- I don't mind typing with one hand...did you see my shrubs?

[messiahofpower]

Not tryin to get all religious here but can someone REALLY answer this. Because I am still trying to figure this one out at my age..lol

Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane

[Auntie]

Not tryin to get all religious here but can someone REALLY answer this. Because I am still trying to figure this one out at my age..lol

Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane
That's a good question, but if people didn't die, the world would be over populated. Also, when a person suddenly has an illness, how can or why would that person want to have that same body(unless their cured by a miracle).
Also, I myself think that there should be a religious thread here, to me , there's not enough of it in the world. People(in general) are trying little by little to push religion out. All because it might offend someone? Please!:rolleyes: Just like the old saying, if you don't like it,(or don't want to hear it, don't listen) (change the channel)

[Lamont]

am glad to see something positive posted and something a bit lighthearted

it seems all we have had this week is negative stuff and worries over the status of the ioffer site

:wave:

[messiahofpower]

Thats because it starts so many arguements/wars. People want you to accept there religious beliefs but wont yours. Like myself I am a agnostic. What is that you say?:) An agnostic is a person who feels that God's existence can neither be proved nor disproved, on the basis of current evidence. Agnostics note that some theologians and philosophers have tried to to prove, for millennia, that God exists. Others have attempted to prove that God does not exist. Agnostics feel that neither side has convincingly succeeded at their task.

I love to hear about other beliefs. I had a few church people come over the other day to my door and I let them in. When I told them my belief they said they would love for me too come to there church and they would help me get out of the darkness (I swear those exact words) Automatically I was wrong and in the dark and they were right. Religion has been the cause of 75% wars. So I think that is why people are shying away from speaking in public about it and I applaud that. Even though I just ran my mouth...lol:lol:


That's a good question, but if people didn't die, the world would be over populated. Also, when a person suddenly has an illness, how can or why would that person want to have that same body(unless their cured by a miracle).
Also, I myself think that there should be a religious thread here, to me , there's not enough of it in the world. People(in general) are trying little by little to push religion out. All because it might offend someone? Please!:rolleyes: Just like the old saying, if you don't like it,(or don't want to hear it, don't listen) (change the channel)

[lilhave]

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting . turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you actually complete the act.



Harvey

[lilhave]

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
Where are the germs that cause ‘good’ breath?
Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why are they called "stands" when they’re made for sitting?
Why aren’t there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers?
Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?
How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?
How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Harvey

[lilhave]

If you wear contact lens and you died with them in your eyes, do they take them out?
If you can see your breath outide on a cold day, could you see your fart?
If you are old and are in a bathtub how would you know if you have been in there too long?
Have you ever wondered why in the 1500's nude photos/painting were art, while today it's pornography?
Do suicide hotlines have hold?
If you had only one hand, would second hand smoking effect you?
What sound does a bunny make?
Do bubbles freeze in winter?
Do they put underwear on corpses?
Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?


If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?
Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?
If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
Is the vice president's wife called the second lady?
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time?
If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing?
Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?
Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the scent virtually disappears?
Can a unborn baby fart or burp?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?
Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?
Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast?
What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question?
Is it possible to be allergic to water?
When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?
Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it?
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?
How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Whats a question with no answer called?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities they are put in an mental hospital, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why are Pringles curved?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Can bald men get lice??
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Harvey

[lilhave]

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.



2. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.



3. You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.



4. Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D.



5. You get winded playing cards.



6. You join a health club and don't go.



7. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.



8. You look forward to a dull evening.



9. You need glasses to find your glasses.



10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.



11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.



12. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.



13. Your back goes out more than you do.



14. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.



15. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.



16. YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.

Harvey

[lilhave]

How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?


Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms ?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
What did cured ham actually have?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
Can a blind man see his future?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Can crop circles be square?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?

Harvey

[lilhave]

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.

1. I finished the Oreo's.

2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.

6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

8. I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

10. Get your *own* ice cream.

11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.

12. Got milk?

13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?

14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

17. Well, can't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

Harvey

[lilhave]

http://oldbluewebdesigns.com/TakeMeBackToTheFifties.htm

Harvey

[marvelousmarcus]

Liked you could get away saying that even if she wasn't pregnant! I still get in trouble for women I dated before I meet my wife. Try and figure that one out!

[Ireneparalegal]

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.

1. I finished the Oreo's.

2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.

6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

8. I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

10. Get your *own* ice cream.

11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.

12. Got milk?

13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?

14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

17. Well, can't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

Harvey
Well, after having three children (ages 22, 17 and 4) I can honestly say that the reason most women react the way they do when they are pregnant is because of MEN and their lack of UNDERSTANDING...LMAO

Why is this not in chit/chat

[lilhave]

. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.



2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.



3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.



4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.



5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.



6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.



7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.



8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.



9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.



10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.



11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.



12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.



13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.



14. Women would rule the world.

Harvey

[lilhave]

1. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.



2. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.



3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.



4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.



5. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.



6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.



7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.



8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.



9. An opera is a song of bigly size.



10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.



11. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.



12. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.



13. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.



14. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.



15. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps onthe odium.



16. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.



17. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.



18. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys.



19. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.



20. My favorite composer is Opus.



21. A harp is a nude piano.



22. A tuba is much larger than its name.



23. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.



24. You should always say "celli" when you mean there are two or more cellos.



25. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick
with the first name and learn it good.



26. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.



27. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.



28. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.



29. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.



30. Question: What are kettle drums called?
Answer: Kettle drums.



31. Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!



32. A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.



33. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both
found out and got in trouble.



34. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the
first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is
elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin
real good.



35. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line
of flute music. You just watch.



36. I can't reach the brakes on this piano!



37. The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.



38. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be
the conductor.



39. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.



40. The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.



41. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.



42. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.



43. Tubas are a bit too much.



44. Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.



45. I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow
or Friday be best?



46. My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom
play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.



47. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.



48. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant
sound once the animal is removed.

Harvey

[KonfusionFTC]

lol if you get more post em.. that was funny..

[lilhave]

lol if you get more post em.. that was funny..

Always said you had good taste.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

Woman already rule the world- we just haven't told you all yet :)

[savageamusement]

:brent This thread is for all jokes posted by Lilhave, for everyones archive needs for future laughter :) :brent



.......

:thanks:

[savageamusement]

More additions to the Lilhave Laughter Archive :wave:

[lilhave]

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?


What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Some Handy Hints For Job Applications!

These are taken from real Résumés and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: Often. Children: Various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Harvey

[jennymcc]

Hooray for more jokes! Thanks Harvey! These are great!

[gilligan fanatic]

:lol: this one was my favorite "Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?"

[lilhave]

Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home


Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.


Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.


Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.


Its named Matlock Manor.


No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.


Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.


You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.


Rectal thermometers made of wood.


Two words: Community Bedpan.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

Dangit I knew I got taken.....that's why they they gave it away in my fruit loops

Sheesh

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're On A Lame Spring Break


10. Your hotel room offers a breathtaking view of the Persian Gulf

9. The package is 5 days, 2 nights

8. Closest thing you get to a sunburn is a rash from the hotel linens

7. Instead of a wet t-shirt contest, there's a less satisfying "wet hat" contest

6. Limbo stick looks an awful lot like a human femur

5. Difference between the presidential suite and a regular room? Free Q-Tips

4. Ask where to take a swim, the concierge suggests mall fountain

3. The bed in your room is not a water bed but it's awfully damp

2. Conga line ends at Scientology Center

1. Most action you got was when mom kissed you goodbye

Harvey

[lilhave]

The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.

Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't..

A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.

Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.

Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.

Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.

The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.

The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.

If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.

The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.

If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.

Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.

Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.

If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.

You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.

Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.

The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.

The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.

All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book.

Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.

Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn't.

One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.

If you don't have time to study the drivers' manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.

When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.

The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.

No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.

No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.

If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.

The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.

Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault.

Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you will never be able to repay her for.

Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you've already done it.

The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.

No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.

The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.

If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.

You never are as good as other people's children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.

The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it.

Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.

If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn't doing it well.

There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.

Mothers always "know." We don't know how - they just do.

Murphy's mother told him so.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Q: What happened to the blonde that was tap dancing?
A: She fell in the sink.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How does a blonde moon walk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.

Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q2: What will she ask you?
A2: "Is it mine?"

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
A: It finally dawned on her.

How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Q: What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
A: He wanted to know who the other man was...

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

Q: How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day?
A: She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
A: Marry her.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q.What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:
A:"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Did you hear about the blonde who:
1 had more on her body than on her mind?
2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
6
7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get tallergirls?
11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

344. Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.

345. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her neck warm

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason. (Note from Zelo: of course Esiason is playing for Arizona now)

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: What do you call a blonde without an *******?
A: Divorced.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Q: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

A: "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.

Q: What do a mo-ped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

STATE OF OHIO
DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
451 HIGH STREET
George Voinovich COLUMBUS, OH 43210 Ralph G. Pacheco
Governor Phone (614) 445-8627 Director
FAX (614) 445-3225
BULLETIN NO. 91-92
------------------
DATE: January 7, 1992
TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents
FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches
Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor
vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required
to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer
switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing
the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from
the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.
Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles
with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a
floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering
column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.
Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio
Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.
It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public.
However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio
DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer
system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent
study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Night-time Highway Traffic
Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles
and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that
96% of all Ohio nighttime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting
her foot caught in the steering wheel........

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Asks if you want a pinch of her chewing tobacco
2 He asked you about your favorite spermicide when you set the date
3 He keeps telling your dad about how he reminds him of his parole officer
4 He shows up with tequila and a box of condoms on the front seat of his car.
5 Honks from driveway for you to come get in his El Camino
6 Picks you up in a limo, but there's a hooker and a video camera in the back.
7 She offers sex before dinner
8 She's chewing that huge wad of gum - with her one good tooth.
9 He pays the restaurant bill in $1 bills
10 When asked if she wants a doggie bag, she says sure that'll be 50 bucks
11 Army Boots
12 Brings out the fancy sporks for that candlelit dinner
13 He takes you a restuarant that doubles as a strip club
14 Her green nail polish clashes with her blue hair
15 Scars from her sex change surgery
16 She has two brothers named Bubba and Cooder.
17 She looks sorta like Larry the Cable Guy but only with long hair
18 The dirt road leading down to her house is greater than two miles.
19 Instead of a Restaurant, he takes you to Burger King.
20 She has a price list
21 - Wears a Keepers T-Shirt
22 - He wears his wedding ring even when trying to meet girls
23 - Bra is 2 hubcaps
24 - Mattress strapped to her back
25 - She spends the entire dinner discussing her female health problems and Nascar
26 - Bathes Infrequently
27 - Her nickname is "Yeti"
28 - She does object to you taking her to a bar for her date
29 - The Saran wrap dress

Harvey

[lilhave]

FUNERAL EULOGIES <<

She died as she lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine.
Death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness.
He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm porn he shot with his Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables.
He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched several of our children.
Bill was not a rich man. He was not a proud man. He was not a successful man. Nor was he especially attractive, articulate, or even remotely respected. Neither was he particularly well-liked or hygienic. So I suppose, what I'm really trying to say is... there's cake back at the house and if we hurry, we can probably catch the second half of the Bulls game.
The French have a term, "le petit mort." It is ironic that in his obsessive pursuit of this so-called "little death," that Dan's own flawed autoerotic asphyxiation techniques should lead him to such a big, honkin' drawer-soiling demise.
There's no getting around it: Bob was a big, fat, sweaty pig of a man, which means that now, there's more pie for the rest of us. Dig in!
And through our tears of grief, let us endeavor to never forget the flatulent hilarity that ensued each time Uncle Mikey graced us with his presence. Surely the Seraphim themselves are pulling upon his finger at this very moment.
I loved my son! I loved my gay son! I loved my gay, tax-evading, alcoholic, armed-robbing ex-convict son whose real father was a crackhead street hustler who went by the name "Little Miss Meat Saddle!"
And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.
His spirit will be with us always. And by spirit, I mean overwhelming credit card debt.
She was a woman well ahead of her time, whose near-legendary promiscuity set the gold standard for generations of post-Women's-Lib tramps.
Hers was a pure, goodly, and chaste life, which helped to ensure that her heart, liver, and kidneys were especially desirable on the organ transplant black market.
Tom consumed life with zeal. Positively gorged himself on it. In fact, if life was the frozen carcass of an extinct mastodon, partially emerged from a shrinking glacier, Tom was the ravenous jaws of a starving coyote, blindly feasting upon its gamey, semi-decayed goodness.
Behold our beloved grandmother... her crooked, nagging maw silent and still at last.
And let us pray for Earl's sake that they have reruns of "Mama's Family" in heaven. Or God help God.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to honor #456-B's life before consigning him to lot #5, space #A-16. Praise God.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Put your hands together for everybody's favorite stiff: Marty! I know you're wondering how Marty got to the funeral home from the hospital - he drove his CARcass! Har! Har! Try the veal!
I still can't get over that he's gone. I also can't get over that I totally survived that same car accident! Can you believe it? I should have had my head cracked off like what's-his-name here.
Let us give thanks that the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, took our dear sister to heaven in her prime, thereby proving his benevolence and love for us all.
He used to look up at me and it was so difficult to talk, because he had four or five chins, and he'd wheeze, "Just fifty… more… pounds." And then he'd eat seven or eight Twinkies and a couple of cheeseburgers. I've never known such steely discipline. He died reaching for a dream.
I don't think I'll ever get over him. But if anyone wants to try and help me, I'm in the back by the boxes of wine.
I hope she's in a happier place. But let's be honest: you don't get struck by lightening during a sunny day because God loves you, you know? Still, we can HOPE.
Frankie Two Thumbs wasn't a bad guy. You know what I'm talkin' about? He could make a mean baked ziti. And he smelled good, always with the fancy cologne. So it is with deepest respects that we fill his stomach with concrete and toss him in the East River.
Steve wasn't unhappy about life. He was just super excited to die!
What can I say about the recently deceased? I didn't know her personally, but members of her extended family have contributed generously to my parish. God bless!
As the proprietor of this funeral home, I can honestly say that never before has such a magnificent sample of corpus delicti crossed over my embalming table.
A last wish is a last wish. So, according to his will, we will now shoot Ted out of this cannon into the ocean while the local high school madrigals sing "Yesterday." Man, even dead he's high maintenance.
She seduced my husband, spread vicious rumors about me, and got me fired from my dream job. That's all I want to say really, I just want to be in the front of the line when we start burying the bitch.
Without further adieu... who wants to douse the coffin in gasoline and who wants to hammer this broken broomstick through the *******'s heart?
I loved him more than any other man. Sure, sometimes I peeked at others, but that's completely natural. And okay, sometimes I squeezed, grabbed, and stroked too - but that doesn't mean I didn't love him with all of my heart.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust - wait a second - that's a nice ring. Anyone mind if I try it on? Not like he's gonna notice! Anyone?
Okay, whoever painted Dad up like a circus clown better confess now, or I swear to Jesus Christ when I find out who it is, I'll bury them WITH him.
I remember old Harry. We had some good times. Like the time we were driving drunk on that dark road and ran down that old lady and kept on driving. The memories come back, don't they?
And finally, let us meditate on his last words - "Warm up my goddamned bedpan you ungrateful, good-for-nothing retard before I -ACK!"
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Except maybe less debt, because once those vultures are done picking through the will, I'm gonna be left with enough money for a whiskey sour, a hot fudge sundae, and a roll with an octogenarian streetwalker!
For whom the bell tolls? It tolls for thee. But later. The bell really tolled for Carol here. Tolled so much she mysteriously caught fire after the third car ran her over.
I'm sorry… I don't usually get choked up. But anyway, sprinkle a little of Jenny's ash in the bowl and pass the ceremonial bong. We promised her we'd smoke her up, man. And we are!
It's always sad when God calls a child home. But in the case of Larry here, I'm not so sad. Nice guy, smoked too much, whatever. So to Larry - nice knowing you, see you later.
I have already apologized to his family, and to his friends. But let me do it again: I am sorry for stealing my best friend Dave's body and doing that funny "Weekend at Bernie's" thing. But it was our favorite movie - and dragging him around to a bar seemed like the right thing to do. I had no idea he was so... delicate.
As you know, Jeff bought the ranch while doin' his favorite ho, and I like to think he'll have that great big gap-toothed Jeff-grin on his mug for all eternity. Yo' and if you see a skanky-looking blonde with tattoos on her hands driving a black beemer, call the cops - the bitch took his keys!
Here lies my son, Mr. Rich Big Shot. You'd think he could spend 25 cents on a phone call to his mother before killing himself in one of those fancy hotels with the bidet and everything.
My husband's funeral is going to cost me almost ten thousand dollars. So forgive me if I'm pissed off that he's not wearing any pants! I paid for pants! I don't care if the coffin covers his waist. Furthermore: Stanley never wore rouge!
We all knew Chris to be unusual in life… as well as death. Anyway - he really, really, really wanted y'all to eat this paté. He force-fed himself with oats and stuff for weeks before kicking off just to make sure the paté had a smooth, rich flavor.
I never screwed Cynthia. But I wanted to and God knows I tried. Even now, in death, I'd have to say I still wouldn't kick the broad out of my bed.
One more toast to the old bum! God rest his soul! And may we all stay oblivious to the crippling irony of a bunch of emotionally immature alcoholics getting bombed so that they can pretend to deal with the death of a friend who was so drunk he killed himself and a family of six sitting in the window of that Arby's at the intersection.
What happens to us when we die? I have no idea, but holy **** am I terrified. And I'm a priest, for the love of Christ!
In conclusion: I want each of you - all four hundred of you - to join me in song and take up the little milk bones that were just passed out. Take up the milk bones and toss them in little Poopy's casket. He'll need them in Doggie Heaven!
I know you're shocked to see me here, but listen: a verdict of innocent is a verdict of innocent. High priced lawyers and head in the refrigerator or not, I'm innocent and I'm gonna miss this bitch as much as any of you bozos.
I'll never forget the last time I seen him. He was all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all, "You're on!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Benefits Of Being Female


We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous--guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get out of speeding fines.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.

Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).

We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

We know the truth about whether size matters.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.

Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.

We can sleep our way to the top.

Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.

WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We're NOT men.

Harvey

[Ant-Lox]

Funny stuff...lol...

[jennymcc]

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Not true! I've always had a bit of a crush on Archie. And some of those Party Poker characters are pretty hot! :lol: :crazy:

[marvelousmarcus]

Sounds like you forgot a couple!

Women live in a constant state of denial, and unfortunately men have to accept it.

Women can never tell if their butt is too big or if a outfit makes them look fat and if it just so happens to be true it is because their man don't love them enough!

[T-Greg]

Here's something to add. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care!:lol:

[marvelousmarcus]

Oh and I forgot the biggest one!

When the get dumped, they always use the excuse- he had issues! It is ALWAYS they guy!

[savageamusement]

I'll never forget the last time I seen him. He was all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all, "You're on!"



Hahahhahahaa

[lilhave]

THINGS WOMEN DON'T KNOW

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Harvey

[lilhave]

Black And White Truths

Truths black people know, but white people won't admit...
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. A 5 year-old child is too big for a stroller.
6. N'Sync will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
7. Thomas Jefferson had Black children.
8. An occasional ass whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Kissing your pet is NOT cute.
10. Rap music is here to stay.


Truths white people know, but black people won't admit...
1. Tupac is dead
2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did it!
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President (or Al Sharpton for that matter)
8. RED is not a Kool-Aid flavor (it's a color).
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Your Pastor doesn't know everything.

Harvey

[KonfusionFTC]

ahahahaahahaha

[KonfusionFTC]

lol daamn these are funny.

[lilhave]

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Number 11 takes the prize.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Harvey

[lilhave]

ACTUAL "DEAR ABBY" EXCERPTS

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid- twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through
her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get?
-GERTIE-
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own
clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.
-FORTY YEARS HITCHED-
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
-CAROL-
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
-KAY-
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
-WONDERING-
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
-CURIOUS-
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
-JAKE-
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
-ANNIE-
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever
caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-SAM IN CAL.-
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
-TED-
DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say,
"I've heard a lot about you"?
-RITA-
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with
no bad habits.
-ROSE-
DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
-BESS-
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.


Harvey

[marvelousmarcus]

This is funny! I had a friend who was one of eight men who were forced to take a paternity test by Child support Enforcement. He and the other seven were proven not to be the father.

[Ireneparalegal]

This would be funny if they were true. But I have seen different versions of this on joke sites...i have seen british women, Dallas women, Florida women, etc. so take it as a tired joke.

[marvelousmarcus]

I don't know, they could be true. I had an old girlfriend who worked for the Idaho Child Support Enforcement. She used to always have weird stories to tell.

[katmandu38]

do you trade or are you just the comic relief?

[lilhave]

do you trade or are you just the comic relief?

I trade for things from the 50's & 60's. Almost all of my collection is in that realm.

Harvey

[lilhave]

North Carolina governor application

First name: ______________________
Last name(if known):______________

Address (where you live):_________
__________________________________


Mother's name_____________________
(also relation, i.e., sister)

Birthdate(yours):__________________

Father's name:_____________________
(if known, if not, list choices)

Color of neck:
Light Red ( )
Medium Red( )
Dark Red ( )
No Neck ( )

Year of pickup truck:_____________

List all that you have in your truck:

Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Dead Road Kill( )
Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city?
(Like Raleigh) Yes ( ) No ( )


How far can you throw cow pies?____
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( )
Sister( ) Aunt ( ) Mother( )
Neighbor's dog( )

Does your wife weigh:
Less than 200 Pounds( )
Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( )
More than a 747( )

Do you know what a 747 is?
Yes( ) No( )

How much smarter than you
is your wife:

50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )

Does your wife wear:

A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( )

Understood previous questions:

Yes( ) No( ) Huh?( )
All of the Above( )
What "previous" mean?( )

Color of wife's hair:

Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( )
Black( ) Bald( )

Last Elvis sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________

Can you count past five:
Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less
why on Earth you want to be Governor
of North Carolina

________________________________
Signature ('X' if you can't write)


Harvey

[lilhave]

Actual Church Bulletins

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water. " The sermon tonight:"Searching for Jesus."
4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the chior will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
18. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
19. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
20. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
21. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
22. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladie are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
24. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement, Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
26. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Harvey

[y2k3Joker]

do you trade or are you just the comic relief?


He's just the opening act every morning - he's not Headliner material yet.

[Ireneparalegal]

I don't know, they could be true. I had an old girlfriend who worked for the Idaho Child Support Enforcement. She used to always have weird stories to tell.
I'm a paralegal...FAMILY LAW. I have never heard anything remotely like this stuff. But it is fake because like I mentioned before, I have seen the same wording of these statements. The only difference is it changes from British women, to Florida women, Texas women, etc etc etc. And also, you can find these on those joke boards, joke websites, etc. I get them alot in my email from friends and other sources.

[lilhave]

He's just the opening act every morning - he's not Headliner material yet.

Folks can start their day with orange juice, coffee, buttered roll, eggs or me.

I'm a cheap substitute.

By the way here is my trading list..

220 Serials from the 30’s & 40’s
77 Sunset Strip 84 eps-19 dvds
Abbott & Costello Full run-6 dvds
Addams Family Full run-6 dvds
Adventures in Paradise 10 eps-2 dvds
Alfred Hitchcock Presents 140 eps- 8 dvds
Amazing Stories Full run-6 dvds
Amos & Andy Full run- 16dvds
Amos Burke Secret Agent Full run – 7 dvds
Andy’s Gang 16 eps-2 dvds
Baretta First season 3-dvds
Barnaby Jones 60 eps- 30 dvds
Barney Miller Full run-22 dvds
Ben Casey 135 eps-35 dvds
Biff Baker 4 eps-1 dvd
Bilko Show 75 eps-5 dvds
Blue Light Full run-4 dvds
Boston Blackie 50 eps-16 dvds
Bourbon Street 24 eps-6 dvds
Branded 2 seasons-6 dvds
Bring im! Back Alive Full run 4 dvds
Bronco Full run -17 dvds
Brooklyn Bridge Full run-5 dvds
Buccaner Full run-10 dvds
Burke’s Law full run- 13 dvds
Burns & Allen 100 Eps-15 dvds
Cannon full run 31-dvds
Car 54 53 eps-7 dvds
Casey Jones 30 eps-5 dvds
Charlie Chan Full run-3 dvds
Cheyenne Full run-27 dvds
Col. March of Scotland Yard Full run-7 dvds
Combat 120 eps-25 dvds
Commander Cody 12 Eps-2 dvds
Corando 9 18 eps -9 dvds
Cosby Mysteries Full run-10 dvds
Cotl 45 40 eps-10 dvds
Cowboy G-Men Full run-10 dvds
Custer Full Run-3 dvds
Dakotas Full-9 dvds
Danger UXB Full run-6 dvds
Dangerous Assignment Full run -6 dvds
Dante 24 eps-3 dvds
Date With Angels 16 eps-1 dvd
Death Valley Days 96 eps 24 dvds
Deputy 64 eps- 17 dvds
Dr. Kildare’s 110 eps-50 dvds
Dragnet 1967 Full Run-12 dvds
Ellery Queen Full run-11 dvds
Everglades 36 eps-9 dvds
F.B.I. 30 eps-9 dvds
Falcon 37 eps-10 dvds
Father Dowling Mysteries Full run- 7 dvds
Father Knows Best 80 eps-10 dvds
Felony Squad Full run – 8 dvds
Flip Wilson Show Full run-8 dvds
Follow That Man 40 eps-10 dvds
Foreign Intrigue 68 eps - 17 dvds
Frontier Circus 16 eps-4 dvds
F-Troop Full run-16 dvds
Fury 70 eps -24 dvds
Gangbusters 30 eps- 5 dvds
Gilligan’s Island First season-6 dvds
Green Hornet Full run- 8 dvds
Hammer’s House of Horrors full run- 4 dvds
Harbor Command Full run-11 dvds
Harry O Full run-10 dvds
Hart to Hart Full run 17 dvds
Have Gun Will Travel 160 eps-22 dvds
Hawaii 5-0 Full run-29 dvds
Hazel 16 eps-2dvds
Hercule Piriot 58 eps-14 dvds
High Chaperelle Full run-25 dvds
Highway Patrol 60 eps-15 dvds
Hogan’s Heroes Full run -22 dvds
Honey West Full Run-5 dvds
Hong Kong 12 eps-4 dvds
Hopalong Cassidy 42 eps-7 dvds
Hundreds of Crime and Mystery movies from the 30’s and 40’s, most 3 to a disk.
I Led 3 Lives 108 eps-27 dvds
I Married Joan 12 eps-2 dvds
I Spy 55 eps-20 dvds
I’m The Law 4 eps-1 dvd
Invaders Full run-13dvds
Ironsides 75 eps -30 dvds
Jack Benny 35 eps-3 dvds
Johnny Staccato Full run- 6 dvds
Jungle Jim Full run-3 dvds
Land of the Giants Full Run-17 dvds
Last of the Mohicans 16 eps-2 dvds
Lawman Full run-17 dvds
Life of Riley 90 Eps-11 dvds
Lights Out 16 eps-4 dvds
Lockup 20 eps-4 dvds
Lone Wolf 37 eps-9 dvds
Long John Silver 13 eps-2 dvds
M Squad Full run -29 dvds
Man Called X 28 eps-7 dvds
Man From Uncle Full run-27 dvds
Mannix Full run-24 dvds
Martin Kane 16 eps-2 dvds
Mary Tyler Moore first season -4 dvds
McHale’s Navy Full run-10 dvds
McKensie’s Raiders 26 eps-6 dvds
McMilian & Wife Full run-20 dvds
Medic 12 eps-3 dvds
Meet Corliss Archer 4 eps 1-dvd
Meet McGraw 11 eps-3 dvds
Mike Hammer Full run-12 dvds
Moonlighting Full run-15 dvds
Mr. District Attorney 9 eps- 1 dvd
Mr. Lucky 20 eps- 5 dvds
Mr. Peepers 24 eps-6 dvds
Munsters Full run-7 dvds
My Mother the Car Full run- 9 dvds
Naked City 60 eps-15 dvds
Official Detective Stories 16 eps-4 dvds
One Step Beyond 40 eps- 8 dvds
Our Miss Brooks 28 eps-3 dvds
Outer Limits Full run-14 dvds
Overland Trail Full run -9 dvds
Peter Gunn 60 eps-15 dvds
Quincy Full run-37 dvds
Racket Squad 44 eps- 11 dvds
Ramar of the Jungle 40 eps-10 dvds
Range Riders 16 eps -3 dvds
Range Riders 16 eps-2 dvds
Rat Patrol Full run-10 dvds
Restless Gun 16 eps -3 dvds
Richard Diamond 40 Eps-10 dvds
Rin Tin Tin 20 eps-3 dvds
Riverfront 44 eps-11 dvds
Roaring 20’s 13 eps -6 dvds
Rockford Files 76 eps-19 dvds
Rocky Jones Full run -3 dvds
Route 66 Full run-24 dvds
Rumpole of the Bailey Full run-17 dvds
Saint Full run -21 dvds
Scarlet Pimpernal 4 eps-1 dvd
Sci-Fi Theater Full run-10 dvds
Sea Hunt Full run -40 dvds
Sgt Cribbs Full run-3 dvds
Sgt Preston 33 eps- 5 dvds
Shannon 12 eps-3dvds
Sheena 4 eps-1 dvd
Sherlock Holmes (Brett) Full run-8 dvds
Shotgun Slade 32 eps-4 dvds
Sir Francis Drake Full run-7 dvds
Sir Lancelot Full run-8 dvds
Sky King Full run-16 dvds
Soldier of Fortune 44 eps-11 dvds
Space Patrol 54 eps-17 dvds
State Trooper 76 eps-19 dvds
Stories of the Century Full run-5 dvds
Streets of San Francisco 80 eps-25 dvds
Studio One 50 eps-25 dvds
Sugarfoot Full run -14 dvds
Takes a Thief Full run-17 dvds
Tales of the Darkside Full run-9 dvds
Tales of the Texas Rangers 15 eps-3 dvds
Tales of the Unexpected 16 eps-2 dvds
Tales of Tomorrow 35 eps-7 dvds
Tarzan Full run-15 dvds
Tate full run – 3 dvds
Terry & the Pirates 8eps-2 dvds
Texan 16 eps-2 dvds
That Girl 70 eps-14 dvds
The Deputy 68 eps- 17 dvds
The Immortal Full run-8 dvds
The Rebel Full run-12 dvds
Thin Man 16 Eps-3 dvds
Thin Man 68 eps- 17 dvds
Thriller Full run-17 dvds
Tightrope-90 eps-45 dvds
Time Trax Full run-8 dvds
Time Tunnel Full run 10 dvds
Tom Corbett 8 eps-2 dvds
Tombstone Territory 20 eps-5 dvds
Tons of Mpegs such as Lone Ranger, Wells Fargo, Rifleman etc.
Trackdown Full run-18 dvds
U.S. Marshall 52 eps-17 dvds
Untouchables Full run-15 dvds
Veil Full run- 4 dvds
Virginian 162 eps- 54 dvds
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea Full run 17 dvds
Wagon Train 100 Eps- 45 dvds
Wanted Dead or Alive Full run-17 dvds
Waterfront 44 eps-11 dvds
Whirlybirds 27 eps-5 dvds
Wild Wild West Full run -19 dvds
William Tell Full run- 10 dvds
WKRP Full run-19 dvds
Yancy Derringer 8 eps-2 dvds
Zane Grey Theater 84 eps-22 dvds
Zorro Full run-10 dvds

Serials 2 meaning 2 disks
Ace Drummond
Adventures of Captain Africa
Adventures of Captain Kidd 2
Adventures of Frank & Jesse James 2
Adventures of Frank Merriwell
Adventures of Rex & Rinty
Adventures of Smilin! Jack 2
Adventures of the Flying Cadets 2
Adventures of Wild Bill Hickok 2
Atom Man vs. Superman 2
Batman & Robin
Batman 2
Black Arrow 2
Black Coin 3
Black Widow 2
Blackhawk 2
Blake of Scotland Yard
Brick Bradford 2
Buck Rogers 2
Burn em! up Barnes 2
Call of the Savage
Canadian Mounted vs. the Atomic Invaders
Captain America 2
Captain Marvel
Captain Midnight 2
Captain Video 2
Chick Carter 2
Cliffhanger Serials 4
Clutching Hand
Cody of the Pony Express
Congo Bill 2
Crimson Ghost
Custer’s Last Stand
Dangers of the Canadian Mounted 2
Daredevil of the Red Circle 2
Darkest Africa 2
Daughter of Don Q 2
Deadwood Dick 2
Desert Hawk 2
Desperadoes of the West 2
Devil Horse 2
Dick Tracy 2
Dick Tracy Returns 2
Dick Tracy vs. Crime 3
Dick Tracy’s G-Men 2
Don Daredevil
Don Winslow of the Coast guard 2
Don Winslow of the Navy
Drums of Fu Manchu 2
Federal Agents vs. the Underworld
Federal Operator 99 2
Fighting Devil Dogs 2
Fighting Marines 2
Fighting With Kit Carson 2
Flaming Frontiers 2
Flash Gordon
Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe
Flash Gordon’s trip to Mars
Flying Disc Man from Mars
Flying G-Men 2
Galloping Ghost 2
Ghost of Zorro 2
G-Men never Forget 2
G-Men vs. the Red Dragon
Gordon of Ghost City 2
Great Alaskan Mystery 2
Green Archer 2
Green Hornet 2
Green Hornet Strikes Again 2
Gunfighters of the Northwest
Haunted Harbor 2
Hawk of the Wilderness 2
Heroes of the West
Holt of the Secret Service 2
Hop Harrigan 2
Hurricane Express
Invisible Monster
Iron Claw 2
Jack Armstrong 2
James Bros. of Missouri 2
Jesse James Rides Again
Judex 3
Jungle Drums of Africa 2
Jungle Girl 2
Jungle Jim
Jungle Raiders
Junior G-Men 2
King of the Carnival 2
King of the Forest Rangers 2
King of the Kongo
King of the Mounties 2
King of the Royal Mounted
King of the Texas Rangers
King of the Wild 2
Last Frontier
Last of the Mohicans
Law of the Wild
Les Vampires 3
Lighting Hutch
Lightning Bryce 2
Lightning Warrior
Lone Defender
Lone Ranger 2
Lone Ranger Rides Again
Lost City 2
Lost Jungle 2
Lost Planet 2
Lost Special
Man with the Steel Whip 2
Mandrake the Magician 2
Manhunt in the African Jungle 2
Manhunt on Mystery Island 2
Masked Marvel 2
Master Key 2
Miracle Rider 2
Monster & the Ape 2
Mysterious Dr. Satan 2
Mysterious Island 2
Mysterious Mr. M 2
Mysterious Pilot 2
Mystery Mountain 2
Mystery of the Double Cross 3
Mystery of the Riverboat 2
Mystery Squadron 2
Mystery Trooper
New Tarzan 2
Nyoka and the Tigermen
Officer 444 2
Oregon Trail
Overland With Kit Carson 2
Painted Stallion
Panther Girl of the Congo
Perils of Nyoka 2
Perils of Pauline 2
Perils of the Canadian Mounted 2
Perils of the Wilderness
Phantom
Phantom Creeps
Phantom Empire 2
Phantom of the Air 2
Phantom Rider 2
Pirate Treasure 2
Pirates of the High Seas 2
Power Gods 3
Purple Monster Strikes 2
Radar Men from the Moon
Radar Patrol vs Spy King
Radio Patrol 2
Red Barry 2
Red Rider
Red Ryder
Return of Chandu 2
Riders of Death Valley 2
Riders of Ghost City 2
Riding With Buffalo Bill 2
Roaring West 2
Robinson Caruso on Clipper Island
Royal Mounted Rides Again
Rustlers of Red Dog 2
S.O. S. Coast Guard
Scarlet Horseman
Sea Hound 2
Sea Raiders
Secret Agent X-9 2
Secret Agent X-9 1945 2
Secret Code 2
Secret of Treasure Island 2
Shadow 2
Shadow of Chinatown 2
Shadow of the Eagle
Sign of the Wolf
Sir Galahad 2
Sky Raiders 2
Son of Geronimo 2
Son of Tarzan 2
Son of the Guardsman
Son of Zorro 2
Spider Returns 2
Spiders Web
Spy Smasher 2
Superman 2
Tailspin Tommy & the Great Air Mystery 2
Tailspin Tommy 2
Tarzan the Tiger
Terry & the Pirates 2
Tex Granger 2
Three Musketeers 2
Tim Tyler’s Luck 2
Trader Tom of the High Seas 2
Undersea Kingdom 2
Valley of Vanishing Men 2
Vanishing Legion
Vanishing Shadow
Vigilante 2
Vigilantes are Coming 2
Whispering Shadows 2
White Eagle 2
Who’s Guilty 2
Winners of the West 2
Wolf Dog
Wolves of Kultar 2
Zorro Rides Again
Zorro’s Black Whip
Zorro’s Fighting Legion.


Movies. Only movies from 30's, 40's and 50's. Crime and Mystery,

$2.00 Better 89
3 on a Match 130
711 Ocean Drive 155
A Bullet for Waiting 38
Above Suspicion 42
Accomplice 42
Act of Violence 149
Action of the Tiger 43
Alibi 43
Alimony 82
Angel Face 38
Another Man’s Poison 134
Apology for Murder 152
Appointment in London 39
Armored Car Robbery 155
Arnello Affair 47
Arsene Lupin 59
Arsene Lupin Returns 59,73
Baby Face Morgan 92
Bad Guy 53
Bars of Hate 127
Basketball Fix 87
Bat Whispers 58
Beggars in Ermine 141
Behind the Curtain 129
Berlin Express 153
Best of the City 45
Bewitched 5
Big Combo 123
Big House 8,30
Big Steal 36
Big Town After dark 118
Black Angel 33
Black Gold 127
Black Hand 153
Blackmail 70
Blind Adventure 34
Blind Alibi 44
Blonde Bait 112
Blonde Ice 47
Blue Gardenia 78
Blue Lamp 30
Blueprint for Murder 154
Body & Soul 151
Body Disappears 38
Boomerang 79
Border Incident 23
Borderline 120
Born for Trouble 53
Bridge of Sighs 122
Brighton Strangler 136
Buried Alive 121
Caged 78
Calcutta 153
Call me Homicide 112
Call Northside 777 48
Calling Philo Vance 41
Cannon City 54
Casino Murder Case 39
Cat People 4
Cell 2455 Death Row 136
Chicago Confidential 147
Chicago Deadline 25
Chinatown after Dark 141
Circumstantial Evidence 52
City of Missing girls 82
City of Shadows 42
City that Never Sleeps 128
Clay Pigeon 79
Clouded Yellow 73
C-Man 2
Condemned to Live 84
Condemned Women 138
Cornered 33
Counter Espionage 73
Crash Out 156
Crime Wave 149
Crisscross 148
Crooked Way 157
Crosby Case 58
Crossfire 36,
Cry Danger 77
Cry in the City 154
Cry of the City 24
Cry of the Hunted 149
Cry Terror 156
Cry Vengeance 7,37
Damned Don’t Cry 151
Danger Signal 147
Dangerous Lady 123
Dangerous Passage 141
Dangerous Woman 137
Dark City 77
Dark Corner 150
Dark Mirror 152
Dark mutiny 120
Dark Passage 158
Dark Past 147
Dark Vengeance 37
Dark Waters 158
Dead Eyes of London 143
Deadline at Dawn 55
Death From a Distance 90
Desert Fury 15
Desperate 152
Desperate Hours 132,139
Destination Murder 79
Detour 85
Double Case of Murder 27
Drive a Crooked Road 145
Elli’s Island 89
Eye for an Eye 135
Face in the Fog 126
Fall Guy 44
Fear in the Night 85
Fingers at the Window 26
Flight To Nowhere 116
Fog Over Frisco 64
Footsteps in the Dark 34
Force of Evil 2
French Key 54
Gambling on the High Seas 137
Gang Bullets 121
Gangs Inc 119
Garden Murder Case 41
Garment Jungle 8
Ghost Ship 78
Gideon 68
Girl in Black Stockings 133
Glass Wall 30
Gold Racket 127
Grand Central Murder 35
Great Flamarion 157
Guilty of Treason 116
Gun Moll 76
Hard Guy 126
Haunted House 84
Having Wonderful Crime 66
Held for Murder 125
Hell 36, 8
Hell’s House 93
Here’s flash Casey 60
Hidden Eye 148
Hitchhiker 6,60
Hollywood Stadium Mystery 86
Hooded Terror 57
House Across the Bay 23
House of Danger 121
House of mutiny 122
House of Secrets 124
House on Telegraph Hill 135
I was a Communist for the FBI 56
Identity Unknown 116
Impact 85
In a lonely Place 81
Inner Circle 87
Inner Sanctum 118
Inside the Walls of Folsom Prison 30
Invisible Killer 90
Jigsaw 83
Jimmy the Gent 40
Johnny One-Eye 82
Kansas City Confidential 46
Kid Glove Killer 32
Killer that Stalked N.Y. 32
King Murder 51,90
King of the Underworld 130
Kiss Before Dying 100
Kiss of Death 16,113
Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye 50
Knock on any Door 114
Lady Gangster
Lady in Death House 20
Lady in Scarlet 51,92
Lady in the Street 11
Lady on a Train 35
Larceny 19
Laura 111
Leave her to Heaven 114
Leopard Man 129
Long Dark Hall 136
Lucky Jordan 128
Madigan 10
Main Street After Dark 81
Man in the Iron Mask 72
Manhunt 46
Margin for Error 38
Mark of the Whistler 110
Mask of Dimitrious 96
Men of San Quentin 125
Miami Story 20
Midnight Limited 91
Midnight Manhunt 117
Midnight Phantom 117
Midnight Story 97
Midnight Warning 52,117
Mildred Pierce 97
Million Dollar Weekend 126
Miss Pinkerton 26
Mouthpiece 40
Mr. & Mrs. North 63
Mr. Dynamite 65
Mr. Reeder in room 13 60
Mrs. O’Malley & Mr. Malone 66
Murder at Dawn 142
Murder at Glen Athol 143
Murder at the Vanities 28
Murder By Contract 4
Murder in Greenwich Village 28
Murder in Soho 88
Murder in the Blue Room 32
Murder in the Fleet 138
Murder in the Museum 86
Murder is My Beat 96
Murder my Sweet 98
Murder on Campus 51
Mystery Liner 93
Mystery Man in Mexico 71
Mystery of the 13th Guest 61
Mystery Street 11,74
Narrow Margin 130
Niagra 6
Night Holds Terror 2
Night of Adventure 45
Night of the Hunter 98
No Man of Her Own 132
No Where to Be 20
Nocturne 41
Notorious 94
Old Dark House 6
On Dangerous Ground 71
Open Secret 119
Out of the Fog 95
Out of the Past 48
Outcasts of the City 115
Panama Gold 127
Panic in the Streets 111
People Against O’Hara 112
Permission to Kill 129
Phantom Broadcast 53
Phantom Lady 75
Phantom of Crestwood 3,49
Phoenix City Story 74
Pickup alley 137
Pickup on South Street 99
Plunder Road 145
Police 13 122
Port of New York 96,123
Possessed 115
Postal Inspector 53
Power 7
Price of Fear 44
Prison Nurse 125
Prison Trail 87
Purple Gang 70
Pushover 70
Quicksand 99
Railroaded 95
Raw Deal 75
Reckless Moment 40
Red House 10,100
Remember Last Night 3
Renfro of the Mounties 1
Revolt in the Big House 111
Road Block 13
Road House 113
Road House Murder 115
Rogue Cop 9
Ronald Reagen Movies 31
Scar 120
Scared 26
Scream in the Night 124
Screaming Mime 131
Sealed Lips 128
Secret Agent 118
Secret Behind the Door 13
Secret Fury 146
Secret of the Chateau 4
Secrets of the French Police 39
Seven Doors to Death 124
Seven Doors to Death 51,125
Shadow of a Doubt 105
Shanghai Gesture 25,106
Shoot to Kill 83
Shortcut to Hell 54
Side Street 101
Sinister Hands 51,88
Sleeping City 102,22
Slight Case of Murder 27
Slightly Honorable 4
Sorry Wrong Number 101
Spellbound 144
Sphinx 53
Split Second 148
Star of Midnight 63
Star Witness 131
State Dept. 649 119
Story of Ester Costello 133
Strange Illusion 89
Stranger on the 3rd Floor 21,
Strangers on a Train 150
Studio Murder Mystery 68
Sudden Fear 109
Sunset Blvd 110
Super Sleuth 57
Suspicion 146
Sworn Enemy 5
Take one False Step 62
The Accused 133
The Bat Whispers 49
The Bribe 80
The Crooked Circle 91
The Dark Hour 93
The Detective 61
The Devil’s Party 91
The Ex-Mrs.. Bradford 62
The Fat Man 72
The Flame 24
The Ghost & the Guest 86
The Guilty 25
The Intruder 144
The Last Mile 16
The Letter 94
The Line-Up 17
The Locket 99
The Lodger 46
The Long Night 14,96
The Maniac 17
The Mob 5
The Night Has Eyes 76
The Payoff 92
The Pretender 71
The Prowler 15
The Racket 81.114
The Set Up 110
The Sniper 50,108
The Suspect 80
The Terror 143
The Tip Off 76
The Trap 17
The Undercover Man 50
The Unsuspected 107
The Weapon 47
The Wrong Man 103
They Live by Night 12
They Made me a Killer 140
They won’t Believe me 106
Thirteenth Hour 29
This Gun for Hire 104,145
Thunderbolt 134
T-Men 106
To Late for Tears 83
Tomorrow at Seven 142
Torchy Blaine Mysteries 69-72
Trapped 21,140
Try & Get Me 21
Undercover Man 105
Union Station 104
Verdict 9
Voice of the Whistler 106
Wayne Murder Case 58.142
We Who are About to Die 131
Wheel of Fortune 7
Where the Sidewalk Ends 12,25
While the City Sleeps 80
Whirlpool 109
Whispering City 140
Whispering Street 18
Wicked Lady 133
Woman on Pier 13 24
Woman on the Beach 22,102
Women Condemned 52,88
You & Me 2
You Only Live Once 108

Nos. represent disk it's on. Most have 2 or on a disk.

Have a ton of old westerns

Harvey

[loren]

I'm a paralegal...FAMILY LAW. I have never heard anything remotely like this stuff. But it is fake because like I mentioned before, I have seen the same wording of these statements. The only difference is it changes from British women, to Florida women, Texas women, etc etc etc. And also, you can find these on those joke boards, joke websites, etc. I get them alot in my email from friends and other sources.

yes im sure this is a fake, or a joke

however

i lived near a huge military complex for several years

and to top this off, the government saw fit to unlease about 15000 of the cuban refugees onto a community of under 10000 as well, and not one of them was a family, only males--just to further compund the matter

my ex wife and daughter lived in a federal assisted housing complex

believe this

i actualy can put names on many of these very same ideas, that were in the joke above

harvey posts jokes and interesting funny things, take it as it is meant, interesting and funny

[Ireneparalegal]

What cuban refugees have to do with a joke, I have no clue...

I was only responding to his sentence that said THESE ARE GENUINE...I am merely pointing out that they are not. It is a joke. that's all. nothing more.

[loren]

What cuban refugees have to do with a joke, I have no clue...

I was only responding to his sentence that said THESE ARE GENUINE...I am merely pointing out that they are not. It is a joke. that's all. nothing more.

the mix of 25000 male army persons, on short training stints

plus the 15000 male cuban refugees

produced a lot of family court cases over those years

there were numerous lotteries to determine possible parentage

and numerous excuses

and thats what the joke was about

[Anthony33]

LOL, dude where do you find this stuff?

[lilhave]

LOL, dude where do you find this stuff?

Is that good or bad?

Harvey

[Anthony33]

Is that good or bad?

Harvey

Definitely a good thing, hence the LOL :lol:

So do you come up with these on your own, get them from joke sites, get them e-mailed to you? Just wondering.

[lilhave]

Definitely a good thing, hence the LOL :lol:

So do you come up with these on your own, get them from joke sites, get them e-mailed to you? Just wondering.

Most come from people mailing them to me. It's a process to weed out the real bad ones, or the ones to far off color. From now on I will keep Anthony in mind and pick the cream of the crop. Stay tuned tomorrow morning.

Harvey

[Anthony33]

Okay thanks :lol: :)

[stoogedog]

hi, i believe there is at least 1 book if not a series of books with these actual church bulletin sentences etc. also, years ago a friend of mine had a audio tape of actual community service announcements that were suppose to be actual csa from radio. some were for church events. one i remember was as follows:

"this saturday there will be a peter pullin at st. taffy's church. oops, i mean a taffy pullin at st. peter's church". thanks for the laughs.

[lilhave]

Actual Test Answers Written by Middle Schoolers of St. Paul's, School, Concord, NH...
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practice virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon


Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."


Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.


Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.


Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist


Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.


Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.


Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.


Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.


Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.


Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.


Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.


"Jaws of Life" in trunk.


The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.


When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"


You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.


Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.


The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.


Harvey

[lilhave]

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn


He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.


On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.


Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.


Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.


You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.


He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.


Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.


Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.


Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.


No toes.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Doesn't It Annoy You When...


...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?


...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?


...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?


...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?


...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.


...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.


...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.


...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.


...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.


...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.


...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.


...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.


...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.


...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.


...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.


...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape


You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.


People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"


You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.


Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.


Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.


You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.


You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.


Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.


The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Nope these windows are ok to lean on.

Don't worry it has airbags.

Hey what's that buzzing noise?

Don't worry its not that deep.

One time at band camp.

No, he doesn't bite?.

Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can pass this guy.

My brakes are fine.

Nice doggy.

I think it's trying to communicate...

"Homicidal Tendencies"?

Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you?

"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of
no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in
the 1920s

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we
went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and
Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his
project to drill for oil in 1859.

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville
Wright.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre.

"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".

"Don't touch the red button!"

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms. .

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

You look just like Charles Manson

Let it down slowly.

OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes

I can do that with my eyes closed

look ma! no hands!

Hey that's not a violin.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.


Harvey

[Lex Luthor]

and

Your picture is posted at every buffet restuarant with a "do not admit" sign

No one will ride the elevator with you

The most excersise you get is hunting for the remote

Your idea of wieght lifting is getting the 4 gallon pails of ice cream

You dream of one day winning "the biggest loser" (reality tv) but then swith to American Idol because the odds of winning are better

[KonfusionFTC]

If you find moldy food in between fat rolls..

Your gynecologist doesnt know where to look

Rolling over is a work out

[lilhave]

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why are Pringles curved?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Can bald men get lice??
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
"How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?"
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to
eat a big one?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do
you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to
hit in case of an accident?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Can you cry under water?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put
them at the end of the bathrooms ?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
What did cured ham actually have?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
Can a blind man see his future?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Can crop circles be square?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put
pasta into the water?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the
traditional colors?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always
white?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?
If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the
road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?
If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers
around at a hardware store?
Is there anything easier done than said?
Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?
Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
Are you able to fart in heaven?
Why isn't sour cream really sour?
Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway?
Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?
Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon?
Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
Can vampires donate blood?
If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?
If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
Why is there an L in NOEL?
If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?
Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?
Do fish ever get thirsty?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?
Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?
On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?
Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
Can angels eat devils food cake?
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Why are all farms red?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do mermaids eat?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?
Why are all farms red?
why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
Are there female leprechauns?
Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
Do fish sleep?
Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Can dogs have dog days?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
Do birds pee?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Do cows drink milk?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
What is a male ladybug called?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a ****su, would it be called a bull****?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite?
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Why is a woman in a suit a "business person” but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson?
Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?
How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Do Dutch people always split the bill?
Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What is a free gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for synonym?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling?
Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bulletproof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember
that they forgot?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
Do cows have calf muscles?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?



Harvey

[lilhave]

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why are Pringles curved?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Can bald men get lice??
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
"How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?"
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to
eat a big one?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do
you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to
hit in case of an accident?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Can you cry under water?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put
them at the end of the bathrooms ?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
What did cured ham actually have?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
Can a blind man see his future?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Can crop circles be square?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put
pasta into the water?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the
traditional colors?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always
white?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?
If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the
road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?
If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers
around at a hardware store?
Is there anything easier done than said?
Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?
Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
Are you able to fart in heaven?
Why isn't sour cream really sour?
Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway?
Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?
Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon?
Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
Can vampires donate blood?
If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?
If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
Why is there an L in NOEL?
If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?
Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?
Do fish ever get thirsty?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?
Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?
On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?
Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
Can angels eat devils food cake?
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Why are all farms red?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do mermaids eat?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?
Why are all farms red?
why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
Are there female leprechauns?
Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
Do fish sleep?
Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Can dogs have dog days?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
Do birds pee?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Do cows drink milk?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
What is a male ladybug called?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a ****su, would it be called a bull****?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite?
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Why is a woman in a suit a "business person” but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson?
Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?
How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Do Dutch people always split the bill?
Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What is a free gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for synonym?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling?
Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bulletproof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember
that they forgot?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
Do cows have calf muscles?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?



Harvey

[lilhave]

Words Women Use

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
3. NOTHING: This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD: (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD: (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
8. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
9. GO AHEAD!: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
10. PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
11. THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome. "
12. THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Harvey

[Lamont]

its good to be home! :wave:

[savageamusement]

THe next time I can't sleep thinking of one of your infamous questions
I am calling you at 3 a.m :)

:D

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Frog

1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.

2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.

3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you

4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.

5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address.

6. Kermit is your idol.

7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.

8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times

9. You live in fear that someday you will wind up in a child's aquarium.

10. France is the evil empire to you

Harvey

[lilhave]

Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night…


But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?


On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

Did I remember to take my pill?

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

You're almost as good as my ex!

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

You can cook, too right?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. "


hahahahahhahahahaha


ouch.

[lilhave]

10. What she calls a "Tupperware Party," the FBI calls a "Three-Week Standoff"

9. She tried to rob a convenience store with her Martha Stewart glue gun

8. Instead of "Mom," she makes you call her "Xena, Warrior Princess"

7. You and your eight siblings are all named Carl

6. It took her four years before she divorced Donald Trump

5. She insists on eating Mother's Day dinner under the porch

4. Every morning, says, "Wake up, or you'll be late for Comet Hale-Bopp!"

3. Whenever you lose a sock, it turns up in that night's meat loaf

2. Believes Eddie Murphy really was just giving that hooker a ride

1. Your name is Michael Jackson, Jr.

Harvey

[lilhave]

10. What did I tell you about putting on Mommy's lip gloss?

9. Remember, David, you're only here because the gypsies didn't want you

8. Comb your hair, or it'll look that way when you're 51

7. Yes, David, you're very funny -- now finish your Prozac

6. Of course I'll be your prom date

5. With grades like these, you'll have to go to Ball State

4. Look at all the empty chairs we invited to your birthday party

3. Next time you'll have to raise your own bail money

2. I know what you're doing in there

1. Time for bed, Steve, or whatever the hell your name is

Harvey

[lilhave]

No Matter How Much They've Had to Drink,
No Matter How Far From the South They've Wandered,
and No Matter How Much the Skunks Are Threatening...
39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my hair is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like you fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.


And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is -


1. Elvis who?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Actual Auto Insurance Statements


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman...as he bounced off the roof of my car.

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

No one was to blame for the accident, but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.

Harvey

[T-Greg]

Harvey. You hurt my feelings.:lol: Some of those are real funny. Here's my personal take on some of them.

38. Duct tape is very handy. Keep a roll in your car to to temporarily fix a leaking hose.

36. Heineken is the best!

34. We don't all look like confederate soldiers! :lol:

32. I've been there twice. Elvis was very tacky! The Jungle Room...his dad picked everything out and he didn't want to hurt his feelings (from what I'm told)

31. Dallas, Texas. More pickup trucks per capita than any other city in the U.S!

30. I hate it....and it IS fake. I keep telling my son that, but he keeps watching it anyway....it's entertaining, so he says.

28. I admit it. I could never do it!

21. Yuck! Some people are so nasty.

20. Walmart. It's not the only place I shop, but shopping at Super Walmart saves lots of time!

12. Here's one you've never heard before (I didn't either until recently). A female co-worker of mine is engaged and registered at Home Depot. I thought about it, and post-Katrina, it makes perfect sense. That's what they need...a lot more than china and silverware.

9. I used to be an avid chess player, but I still play my son on occasion.

6. I absolutely hated that hick show! Minnie Pearl with the price tag on her hat, shouting "Howdie! Change the channel quick!

1. The only 3 I've ever heard of are Presley, Costello, and a friend of mine named his hound dog, Elvis..how cute, huh?

[loren]

one more thing a southern resident will never say

gawd i wish i lived in brooklyn, new yaak

[lilhave]

one more thing a southern resident will never say

gawd i wish i lived in brooklyn, new yaak

I resent that remark, and I am posting to TJ, with hopes of getting you banned.

A sobbing Harv

[loren]

I resent that remark, and I am posting to TJ, with hopes of getting you banned.

A sobbing Harv

I THINK ILL COMPLAIN AS WELL

i feel the new yaak comment was totaly true and accurate

and we sure cant have accurate and honest statements here

count me on on the loren lynch mob

[Lamont]

I resent BOTH OF YOU, lilhave and Loren

Both of you are bullies and meddlesome

NOT ONLY am I reporting this post to TJ

BUTTTT I am gonna email savageamusement every 90 seconds until the post is gone and you 2 are Banned for life

then I am gonna call loren and harvey, both of you, over and over and over today telling you how bad you are

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :grady:

[Lamont]

for the more simpleminded readers

that was what is known as "sarcasm"
:p :p :cool: :rolleyes:

[lilhave]

for the more simpleminded readers

that was what is known as "sarcasm"
:p :p :cool: :rolleyes:

Thank God. I was just starting to mop up the puddle on the floor. You really scared me. Does anyone half a half a bottle of Mr. Clean to sell. Trade you with disk one of the Smurfs(unaired pilot).

Harvey who is so yellow that I bleed lemonade

[T-Greg]

I resent BOTH OF YOU, lilhave and Loren

Both of you are bullies and meddlesome

NOT ONLY am I reporting this post to TJ

BUTTTT I am gonna email savageamusement every 90 seconds until the post is gone and you 2 are Banned for life

then I am gonna call loren and harvey, both of you, over and over and over today telling you how bad you are

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :grady:

Send them an email slap for me! Did you get my email from the other day?

[lilhave]

Send them an email slap for me! Did you get my email from the other day?

Is that the one where you trying to sell me a dvd photo of Lamont at a nudist colony disguised as a fig tree. Problem was you couldn't find the fig.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

Yes T-Greg is right I feel downright violated.

Insulted.

Oh wait....no I dont, I'm just hungry.

Carry on.

While I read these 90 complaints per second from Lamont

He says he is reporting you, but I know deep down he is sweet on me.
Its' the Southern way of boys....
Pulling pigtails and reporting posts.

.

*Smug Grin*

[Lamont]

the sad thing it

harvey is right!

99% of all the people i know here FIT THAT TO A "T" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[lilhave]

. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.


2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.


3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.


4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.


5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.


6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.


7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".


8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).


9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
(That explains a few mysteries....)


10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.


11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.


12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.


13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.


14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.


15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.


16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)


17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.


18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."


19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.


20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.


21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.


22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.


23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.


25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.


26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.


27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."


28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!


29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.


30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book
most often stolen from public libraries.


31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.


32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

Harvey

[lilhave]

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly.

Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die.

Never under-estimate your ability to over-estimate your ability.

Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.

While others complain that their glasses are half empty, find joy in the fact that yours is half full. Just make sure it's twice as big as everyone else's glass.

It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village.

Dare to dream the impossible. I mean, why not? Dreaming doesn't take any effort.

The key to someone's heart is never lost; it's just that the locks were changed 'cause you're some sort of psycho.

You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel.

Each dawn brings us a fresh start, because we never freakin' learn, do we?

You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn't going to be interested in some frog-kisser.

Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures.

True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it.

One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives.

Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts.

You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghan-istan-Pakistan border.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs The Stress Is Getting To Santa


10. He's begun selling elves on e-bay

9. Giving every child in world a broken Slinky and a card that reads "Go nuts"

8. Complaining that he's a grown man "surrounded by midgets and red-nosed donkeys"

7. Yesterday in a quiet ceremony, converted to Islam

6. Has been making personal appearances wearing Mrs. Claus's red velvet gown

5. After first "Ho..." often trails off into silence

4. Long rambling addresses to elves about black helicopters

3. His "Christmas carols" contain a lot of rhymes with the word "Nantucket"

2. Violated longstanding agreement by outing Blitzen

1. He's down to 530 pounds

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs A Little Leaguer Is Too Old


10. His drug tests come up positive for Centrum Silver

9. After the game, team orders 18 Slurpees and one margarita

8. Has to miss one weekend a month because of his national guard duty

7. Possible cuts in Social Security have left him too depressed to pitch

6. Teammates put teeth under pillow -- he puts his teeth in a glass of water

5. Artificial turf made by same company as his artificial hip

4. His positions: shortstop and team bus driver

3. He actually saw the Red Sox win a World Series

2. His first baseball memory: chasin' hookers with Babe Ruth

1. He's the only Little Leaguer going through a lengthy, bitter divorce

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Date Is Not Having a Good Time


10. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns

9. As you drop her off, she says "Do me a favor -- next time call a different escort service."

8. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your windshield

7. Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?

6. Seems unimpressed that you're the senior senator from Oregon

5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife

4. Doesn't even finish her "Whopper"

3. It's been four hours since she left the ladies room

2. You're Orville Redenbacher; she hates popcorn

1. Whispers to waiter "Please kill me."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much


10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

Harvey

[Lamont]

a lot of these when i was single

[Dragonbear]

Man, I figured that the number 1 idea my date is not having a good time
was that she went out with me :-)

[lilhave]

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?


Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
Do cows have calf muscles?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?

Harvey

[lilhave]

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If....

your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
you have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
your firehouse has wheels.
you've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.
you've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
at least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
you don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
you've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
the local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
you've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
the only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.


Harvey

[Anthony33]

Top Ten Signs Your Date Is Not Having a Good Time


10. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns

9. As you drop her off, she says "Do me a favor -- next time call a different escort service."

8. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your windshield

7. Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?

6. Seems unimpressed that you're the senior senator from Oregon

5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife

4. Doesn't even finish her "Whopper"

3. It's been four hours since she left the ladies room

2. You're Orville Redenbacher; she hates popcorn

1. Whispers to waiter "Please kill me."

Harvey

LMAO. :lol:

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Isn't College Material


10. His guidance counselor's file contains two words: "yard work."

9. In yearbook, was voted "Most Likely To Injure Himself Opening a Door".

8. During algebra, interrupts teacher and asks, "When do we get to whittle?"

7. SAT score? 9.

6. He keeps telling everybody life is like a box of chocolates.

5. Every time he sees a book he says, "What the hay is this dang thing?"

4. He's the only 37 year old in the 4th grade.

3. During appearance on "Jeopardy," keeps buzzing in and asking, "Alex, can I have some candy?"

2. Thinks "valedictorian" is a brand name of condoms.

1. Can't find Waldo.

Harvey

[lilhave]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A
"NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...

13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.


11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

9. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.


8. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

6. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.


5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once!"

3. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes!


2. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!

and last but not least...

1. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot


10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"

9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up

8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"

7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap

6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"

5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"

4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform

3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"

2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport

1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

Harvey

[gilligan fanatic]

:lol: me and all my friends are looking at colleges and some of my friends can't find Waldo-lol

[Lex Luthor]

Has someone been chronicaling my life?!


She said she would never tell :mad:

[lilhave]

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a ***.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The following are actual signs and notices seen across the United States.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.


In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.


On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.


In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.


In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.


In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

Harvey

[jasimon1]

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.



You've been talking to my boyfriend, haven't you?

[lilhave]

You've been talking to my boyfriend, haven't you?

He told me that your the sweetest, most lovely girl he has ever known. He said that right before he took the field sobriety test. His license has been suspended for six mos.

Harvey

[jasimon1]

If only you knew how close to the truth that is!

[KonfusionFTC]

lol.. soooo true about them all.. having flashbacks of my ex right now.

[lilhave]

If only you knew how close to the truth that is!

At my age it's prune juice and some raisin filled oatmeal. Once got pie eyed on 2 glasses of grapeade. Made a recent deal with Lamont for my 7 dvds of the best of Sophie Tucker for his home made 3 quart jar of shine. If you don't drink it you can at least varnish the floor.

Can send you a thimble's worth.

Harvey

[jasimon1]

Oh, I meant about the suspended license. Actually, it's been revoked permanently.

[Lamont]

Hold on Harvey--- u NEVER told me you were a man!?!?!?

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO NAIVE!?!??!?!?!?

:crybaby: :crybaby: :crybaby: :sheep :sheep

[lilhave]

I Get No Respect





1. "Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a
good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough
shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I
was the sap."



2. "I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great
Uncle fought for the west!"



3. "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught
him stealing pens."



4. "When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room
and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could...but he pulled through."



5. "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."



6. "My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only
liked me as a friend."



7. "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came
with his wallet."



8. "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."



9. "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio."



10. "Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a
pyramid in every room."



11. "What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"



12. "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."



13. "One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control."



14. "I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a
piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"



15. "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.
He was in the electric chair."



16. "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."



17. "I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning"



18. "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll
ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so
many places they can hide."



19. "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a
window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to
talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."



20. "On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like
me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's
different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."



21. "When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a
picture of me."



22. "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a
library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."



23. "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"



24. "One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle
my bag. He felt up my wife!"



25. "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"



26. "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it
out with an ax!"



27. "For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper
scooper."



28. "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"



29. "This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the
Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me."



30. "A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I
would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to
New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London
to Tokyo?...He told me..That is why we give you 21 days."



31. "Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in
Hawaii...No days..just nights."



32. "My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me
absolutely no good."



33. "They say...Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I
supposed to do? jerk him off too?"



34. "At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open.
Boy...what a present he gave me!"



35. "My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the
dog's bed...Actually she did put the mirror over our bed.
She says she likes to watch herself laugh."



36. "I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."



37. "My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg".



38. "My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the
store and just as she was heading for our car, someone
stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She
said ... No, but I got the license plate."



39. "I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She
said...Why should I... you never put out for me."



40. "I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She
said...No, one drag is enough."



41. "I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in
the nude...but I didn't see the mouse trap."



42. "A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody
home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

On career and success:

Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

On Politics:

Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.
If you can read this, you're not the president.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
On Religion:

If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
On Science:

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Never believe generalisations.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

On People:

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

On Philosophy:

I don't think, therefore I am not.
Don't believe everything you think.
What would Gandalf do?
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

On Life:

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Visualize Whirled Peas
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

On Computers:

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

On Driving:

Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

On the Environment:

So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

On Health & Fitness:

I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Rehab is for quitters.
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm a vegetarian - I eat anything that eats greens.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

Harvey

[Lex Luthor]

Wow it is like a window into the life of Harvey, sometimes you just don't get no respect!

http://www.bongonews.com/StoryImages/Rodney%20Dangerfield_2004-10-13.jpg

[lilhave]

Wow it is like a window into the life of Harvey, sometimes you just don't get no respect!

http://www.bongonews.com/StoryImages/Rodney%20Dangerfield_2004-10-13.jpg

I get respect. My wife let's me take out the garbage, and I do eat before the cat. Well, maybe the same time. He does have a larger water bowl.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

Hhahahahahaaa



But at least you don't have to use the Cat Box right?

[lilhave]

Hhahahahahaaa



But at least you don't have to use the Cat Box right?

I have had fish for the last 765 days. I'm growing whiskers. I don't snore, I purr.

Harvey the big tabby

[lilhave]

Your Car Might Be A Lemon If . . .
Your tinted windows are also known as garbage bags.
The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
You fill up the tank with premium coal.
You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Very Strange Calls to the Smithsonian Institute ...

The Smithsonian Museum's telephone support team usually get questions like "How do you get there?" "When are you open?" etc.

More detailed questions get passed along to departments such as Anthropology. But every so often, you get funny ones.

Here are some Cordelia Benedict of the Smithsonian's telephone information services and Marilyn London of the anthropology outreach and public information office have gotten over the years:



Where do you keep the flying saucers you've captured?


Can a small plane land on the Mall? The caller was sure it could since "all those planes in the Air and Space Museum had to get there somehow."


There's a mastodon in my back yard. Can you send some scientists to dig it up? "There was literally a mastodon buried on her ranch," Benedict says. "She was right! We referred her to the vertebrate department, I think."


Do you have the Original Bible? You know, 10 Commands, tablets, Moses, etc.?


Is Fawn Hall's underwear on display? This from "two men in a Texas bar who obviously had a lot to drink," says Benedict.



What's the name of the guy who invented the wheel? ("How do you know it was a man?" London quipped.)


Where is the Ark of the Covenant? (Try the Indiana Jones movies.)


Is the Smithsonian interested in buying the carcass of Bigfoot?


Will the Smithsonian sell the starship Enterprise, used for the popular "Star Trek" television show? "She only wanted it if the transporter was in working condition," Benedict says. (The only life-size Enterprise at the Smithsonian is the space shuttle of the same name).


How do you say "I'm thinking of you" in Apache?



How about the coin George Washington tossed across the Delaware River?


Can the Smithsonian set up a caller with a hula teacher? "Actually, I tracked one down for her," remembers London. "We have a curator involved in South Pacific and Hawaiian culture, so she knew one."


Can you send "all the information you have on human evolution, even the secret stuff?"


Could the Smithsonian take a "petrified whale" off my hands? He was referred to paleontology. "I told him `petrified' means `very old biology,' and he said, `good because this is a very old whale,'" Benedict recalls.


Does the Smithsonian display Civil War planes?

and last but not least...



Here's one of Benedict's favorites: an offer to donate a collection of potato chips resembling "famous people and animals."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night
in the White House. She has waited so long..... The ghost of George
Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best
serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Unpublished Children's Books

You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Truth About Husbands


There are two sides to every story, the way he tells it and the way it really happened.

A husband has the solution for any problem. It may not work, but he has a solution.

Only ask your husband to do something once, he won’t hear you after that anyhow.

Your husband knows you best, but you know him better.

The more you pay for a new dress, the greater the probability you will forget to remove the price tag.

The most powerful motivator known to man is the smell of a steak on the grill.

The more you nag him, the greater the probability that you are wrong.

If you think you have any secrets from your husband, remember why he buys you negligees.

Never tell your husband you have nothing to do. He will ask you to bring him a beer.

If you want him to give up golf, learn to play it.

If you need an item you can’t find, ask your husband. He won’t have it either, but he will know who to borrow it from.

If you want something new, your husband can always figure out why you don’t need it.

You can’t out procrastinate your husband; don’t even try.

Your husband can always come up with a better way to do something, especially after it’s already done.

Never complain about the movie until after he buys the popcorn.

If he offers to take you out, his good suit will always be in the cleaners.

No matter how long you’ve been on a diet, your husband will still take you out to an Italian restaurant.

Never forget who puts up with your faults. That’s something else to worry about.

Never say you can do it yourself, unless you are planning on it.

The more expensive the gift he gives you, the more you will wonder what he’s been up to.

Anything is a good idea until he mentions it to his mother.

A husband’s "honey do" list has no beginning and no end.

His turf is always the exact spot where you need to vacuum the rug.

You will always need to use the car before he does if the gas tank is empty.

The older your husband becomes, the more he acts like a child.

The longer it’s been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that he will invite company for dinner.

No matter how big he is, he is never too big to wrap around your little finger.

The more you detest the plaid shirt, the more often he will wear it.

The longer the story he’s telling, the more likely you’ve already heard it.

Husbands always know everything – they just sometimes have trouble remembering.

The grass gets mowed on two occasions, when it needs it and when you want him to do something else.

Your husband is the only person that knows you better than the bathroom mirror.

Women’s intuition is the only thing more mysterious than the male ego.

The reason your husband won’t turn down the TV is because he can’t hear you asking.

The more you try to stay on his good side, the harder it is to make up the bed in the morning.

If you can’t remember whether your husband told you he would be home late, he will.

Never criticize your husband about anything that involves a hammer, saw, or screwdriver.

Harvey

[lilhave]

It might be a redneck wedding...


If the groom is wearing a bowling shirt


If the bride wears a crop top so her tattoo will show


If the bride’s hair is bigger than her veil


If the bride carries a bouquet of artificial flowers


If the bride maids have fringe on their skirts and vests


If the wedding is delayed because the groom’s truck wouldn’t start


If the bride’s father brings a shotgun to the wedding


If the wedding march is played on dueling banjos


If the friends of the groom TP the church


If the decorations include any pink flamingo


If the best man is wearing a baseball cap


If the preacher has sideburns and wide lapels


If they throw corn at the couple instead of rice


If the musical selections include Loretta Lynn or George Jones


If the photographer is using a disposable camera from Wal-Mart


If the groom’s men have western boots and sequins on their shirts


If the reception is held at the local waffle house


If the hor dourves include pork skins and bean dip


If guests play pinball machines or shoot pool at the reception


If there is a jug in the backroom


If the wedding gifts include hubcaps, ammunition, or IOUs


If the wedding buffet includes pork barbecue and toothpicks


If the getaway car is a pickup truck with Pabst beer cans tied behind it


If the wedding announcement is in the free advertiser newspaper


If the couple plans to honeymoon in Branson, Mo.


If the newlyweds will reside in a mobile home


If the groom gives chewing tobacco for wedding favors


If the bride does too

Harvey

[giltdunn]

Careful, Harvey, I write books for children! Gil D

[lilhave]

Careful, Harvey, I write books for children! Gil D


Ooops.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Murphy's Laws for Rednecks

If you have a double first name, you won’t be able to spell either one of them.

If you convince the sheriff that it's poison oak instead of marijuana, it probably is.

If your latest home improvement project is designing and building a mailbox, it will look like a brick tombstone.

If your picture is hanging in the post office, it will be a perfect likeness.

If you eat with your fork in one hand, it's because you gotta hold your cornbread in the other one.

If your front yard needs mowing, you'll do it when you get around to fixing the lawn mower.

If you want clean your ears, you will buy a package of bobby pins.

If you say you are a songwriter, your true occupation is a truck driver or a construction worker.

If you see shotguns at a shindig, it's a wedding, a family reunion or a combination of both.

If you don't have any empty beer bottles for target practice, you know it's your duty to empty some.

If want to be a NASCAR race driver, the cops will catch you practicing on the Interstate.

If you pledge allegiance to the flag, it will be the flag of the Confederacy

If you have relatives in jail, they were either growing, cooking, or distilling.

If you need a way to get rid of cooties, you can do so by picking and grinning.

If you get slicked up and dressed up, it will be for a special occasion, like a monster truck race or a gun and knife show.

If you can't do something today, you’re waiting for the first of the month when the check comes.

For every car you own with wheels on it, you are allowed to have 2-1/2 cars up on cinder blocks.

When you celebrate, it will be tomato planting time, catfish bitin' weather, hog killing time, or openin’ of rabbit season.

If you get a tan, it will be on your neck, your arms, or your butt crack.

When you kiss a woman, you always remove your toothpick first.

If you own a car, you figure on spending most of your free time trying to get it running.

If hold your nose when singing, you can sound just like your favorite country music star.

If you need a cure for ailments, you will use whiskey, tobacco, kerosene, turpentine or Vicks's salve.

Harvey

[lilhave]

President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and
able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will
always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton
Berle

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no
one believes individually. - Abba Eban

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the
library.

A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Are You Too OLD for Theme Parks?
Take the Quiz


Do they give you the senior citizen discount without checking your ID?
Do you detest your hair and clothes getting wet?
Would you like the rides better if they ran them in slow motion?
Would you rather go to a restaurant for a meal than eat corn dogs on an umbrella table?
Do you think there should be a law against the prices they charge for soft drinks and plan to write your congressman about it?
Do you get nervous when there are no adults in line except you?
Do your eyes get crossed from watching the racing coasters?
Did you notice that none of the other women are carrying a purse?
Do you stop at all the restrooms because you don’t know if you will find the next one soon enough?
Do you go inside gift shops and look around just because they are air-conditioned?
Do you complain because customer service does not have blood pressure machines?
Do you end up walking around in circles all day because you can’t figure out the map?
Is your favorite thing about the park all the pretty flowers?
Do you buy your sno-cone with cherry syrup instead of lime, lemon, grape, strawberry, orange, tangerine, blueberry, raspberry, boysenberry, blackberry, kiwi, or watermelon?
Does your back hurt? Your neck hurt? Your kidneys hurt? Are you are sunburned? Or do your feet have blisters?
Do you spend most of the day planning how you will get even with the person that talked you into coming here?
Could a 30 second thrill ride be long enough to last you for a lifetime?
Do you buy your souvenirs long before closing time to beat the last minute rush?
Do you take Coke cans to the park to get a discount?
Do you tell young people with baggy pants to pull them up?
Are you are offended by the suggestive slogans on tee shirts?
Have you ever learned a new swear word while on a thrill ride?
Have you lost your glasses, your wallet, your hat or your false teeth, while upside down?
Do feel you can't make it to the front gate without oxygen?
Did you ever buy a three-day pass just to get a free teeshirt, and then never use either of them.
Do you think that the generation gap is bigger on a roller coaster than any other place?
Is your favorite phrase: "Let me offfff!"?
Can you remember where you lost your camera, as well as your supper?
Will the soles on your tennis shoes melt on hot asphalt?
Have you ever ridden the tram around the parking lot three times because you couldn’t remember where you left the car?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Are You Too OLD for Theme Parks?
Take the Quiz


Do they give you the senior citizen discount without checking your
ID?
Do you detest your hair and clothes getting wet?
Would you like the rides better if they ran them in slow motion?
Would you rather go to a restaurant for a meal than eat corn dogs on
an umbrella table?
Do you think there should be a law against the prices they charge for
soft drinks and plan to write your congressman about it?
Do you get nervous when there are no adults in line except you?
Do your eyes get crossed from watching the racing coasters?
Did you notice that none of the other women are carrying a purse?
Do you stop at all the restrooms because you don't know if you will
find the next one soon enough?
Do you go inside gift shops and look around just because they are air-
conditioned?
Do you complain because customer service does not have blood pressure
machines?
Do you end up walking around in circles all day because you can't
figure out the map?
Is your favorite thing about the park all the pretty flowers?
Do you buy your sno-cone with cherry syrup instead of lime, lemon,
grape, strawberry, orange, tangerine, blueberry, raspberry,
boysenberry, blackberry, kiwi, or watermelon?
Does your back hurt? Your neck hurt? Your kidneys hurt? Are you are
sunburned? Or do your feet have blisters?
Do you spend most of the day planning how you will get even with the
person that talked you into coming here?
Could a 30 second thrill ride be long enough to last you for a
lifetime?
Do you buy your souvenirs long before closing time to beat the last
minute rush?
Do you take Coke cans to the park to get a discount?
Do you tell young people with baggy pants to pull them up?
Are you are offended by the suggestive slogans on tee shirts?
Have you ever learned a new swear word while on a thrill ride?
Have you lost your glasses, your wallet, your hat or your false
teeth, while upside down?
Do feel you can't make it to the front gate without oxygen?
Did you ever buy a three-day pass just to get a free teeshirt, and
then never use either of them.
Do you think that the generation gap is bigger on a roller coaster
than any other place?
Is your favorite phrase: "Let me offfff!"?
Can you remember where you lost your camera, as well as your supper?
Will the soles on your tennis shoes melt on hot asphalt?
Have you ever ridden the tram around the parking lot three times
because you couldn't remember where you left the car?


harvey

[masterblooregard]

Haha great list.

Favorite----->Do you take Coke cans to the park to get a discount? :lol:

[lilhave]

Tips on Getting More Efficiency from your Women Employees
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II, only 63 years ago! The intent was not to be "funny".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1.) Pick young, married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2.) When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3.) General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4.) Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5.) Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Women make excellent workers when they have their jobs set out for them, but they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

6.) Whenever possible, let the female employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

7.) Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make for some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

8.) Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

9.) Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

10.) Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
Howard Daughters

Havey

[lilhave]

These are Genuine Clips From British Council Flat (Apartment) Tenants Complaining to the Council about problems with their flats
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Harvey

[lilhave]

"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

"I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning."

"We ought to make the pie higher."

"Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental."

"Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time."

"That guy smokes like a fish!"

"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"

"I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony."

"After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids."

"All old people should be shot at birth."

"He's as sharp as a new penny."

"I know that area of town like the back of my head."

"She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan."

"She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country."

"That really burns my goat!"

"You shouldn't let people get under your goat."

"I'm sweating like a bullet."

"It's like six of one and two dozen of the other."

"I hate to throw cold water on your bubble."

"I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime."

"That really raises the shackles on my neck."

"I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter."

"We gotta get our soup and nuts together."

"I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!"

"I used to be as sharp as a button."

"That'll put the monkey in your court."

"It was time to separate the wheat from the baby."

"You're only smart on the outside."

"I guess you're just AOL."

"If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot."

"Not everything that shines is baloney."

"You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there."

"Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof."

"It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it."

"I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel."

"We've got to dig our way out of this puppy."

"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!"

"You're a minefield of information."

"Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works."

“You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.”

"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."

"That really burns my craw!"

"A two-prawn approach is necessary."

"He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants."

"You gotta walk with your pants on."

"Can I pick your ear?"

"I don't want to shoot myself in the hip."

"A little pain never hurt anyone."

"Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?"

"I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy."

"I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today."

"You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck."

"We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot."

"I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse."

"The ball is in his camp now."

"We need to get our ducks in the fire."

"Whatever rubs your boat!"

"You know I’m just pulling your lamb."

"If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"

"They need to get all their ducks in one sock."

"We don't want to go barking up a dead horse."

"We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!"

"The ball is squarely on our shoulders."

"The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox."

"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."

"Throw that monkey back over the fence."

"She really rubs me up the wrong tree."

"Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man."

"He had all of his ducks in one sock."

"I've just got my feet in too many pies right now."

"This thing is about to grow legs and take off...."

"Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?"

"If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole."

"Will everyone stop misundermining me!"

"I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting."

"He was slow as Moses."

"I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!"

"My arms were knee-deep in mud."

"'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.”

"We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one."

"Hey, don't eat the messenger!"

"It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned."

"We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb."

"..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep."

"He's not the brightest brick in the basket."

"Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole."

"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."

"You planted the seed, and I ran with it."

“I swear on my dog's breakfast!”

"If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?"

"Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place."

"All old people should be shot at birth."

"I know that area of town like the back of my head."

"That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel."

"Vision is in the eyes of the beholder."

"Eventually, I want it now."

"In the last year, you've turned around 150%."

"It was a huge incontinence for me."

"I was already squeezing the buffalo."

"I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page."

"I think you might have hit the nail on the button."

"I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot."

"I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you."

"If you have that, the world is your walrus."

"It was jumping up and down like a sieve."

"I've got ears like a hawk."

"This guy's sharp as a cookie."

"I had too many hands in the fire."

"He's between a rock and a hotplate."

"It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty."

"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!"

"It's like the blind talking to the blind!"

"She's not the brightest tree in the forest."

"I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway."

"Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit."

"Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon."

"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."

"We'd be biting off a new can of worms."

"Well, it's no skin off MY teeth!"

"That's just cutting your throat to spite your face."

"Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!"

"If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather."

"'Usually' only counts in horseshoes."

"I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole."

"Everything has been peaches and gravy."

"You're getting too clever for your own boots!"

"Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver."

"I'll be straight as a doorknob with you."

"Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you."

"He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him."

"They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks."

"We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later."

"We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project."

"That really throws a monkey at the wrench..."

"She's totally green under the collar."

"You don't want me down here breathing down your throats."

"I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel."

"That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it."

"He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary."

"It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!"

"This is for your FYI."

"We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner."

"I'm not the brightest bean in the hole."

"I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it."

"Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth."

"I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany."

"We need to iron out our bread and butter."

"I think we should go for the whole ball of wood."

"Each of you pitched a home run today!"

"I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves."

"It's an exercise in fertility."

"Hindsight is 50-50."

"You are never going to fail unless you try."

"We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg."

"Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers."

"He might be barking at a red herring."

"He was smoking like a fish."

"He's as deaf as a bat."

"We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off."

"I didn't have two dimes to pee on."

"I gave him a real mouthful."

"I really took the bull by the hands."

"He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground."

"I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!"

"You can lead a pig to pearls..."

"Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday."

"The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree."

"He would give you the shoes off his back."

"That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded."

"We're going to clean the competition's lunch."

"We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it."

"I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week."

"The phone was ringing off its hinges."

"I didn't want to stir the apple cart."

"It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack."

"I don't put my chickens before the horse."

"It was time to get the train out of the harbor."

"I didn't have many bullets left in the tank."

"I was shooting at straws."

"I was running on exhaustion fumes."

"I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump."

"I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears."

"It's water under the dam now."

"I put the ball in the other shoe."

"That took the steam out of my sails."

"No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!"

"You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil."

"Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?"

"Eventually the penny will come home to roost."

"You are the wind beneath my cheeks."


Harvey