LILHAVE LAUGHTER ARCHIVE

[lilhave]

Things NOT to say in an argument with your spouse
"Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?"
"No, really, I was laughing about . . . This joke I heard one time."
"Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset."
"You're just upset because your caboose is starting to spread."
"Wait a minute, I get it… What time of the month is it?"
"Are you gonna cry? {Force lip to quiver mockingly} Cry for your mommy?"
"You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"
"That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add 'giant cork' to the shopping list?"
"Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back."
"Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?"
"Whom are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe....push...."

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Harvey

[lilhave]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME __________ DATE OF BIRTH __________

2. HEIGHT __________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q __________ G.P.A. __________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY ______-____-________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK __________

5. HOME ADDRESS ____________________________________________
CITY/STATE __________ ZIP __________

6.Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Y / N
If No, EXPLAIN ___________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married __________

8. Do you own a van? A truck with oversized tires? A waterbed? Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? (If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises) __________

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________

12. Church you attend __________ How often do you attend? __________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? _____________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is _________________

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________

c) A woman's place is in the __________

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is __________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with 'T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15.What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED-HOT POKERS.

Signature (That means your name, moron) ______________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?

__________ Yes, please accept my application

__________ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

Harvey

[lilhave]

When she says: "What would you like for Christmas?" Here's what to suggest!!

This is enclosed in case you want to drop it somewhere for someone to read.

Christmas is just around the corner so it's time for me to share some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it, or know what it does, but it will look good hung on the peg board in the garage.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 300 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.

Rule #16:
Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why

Rule #17:
Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.

Harvey

[lilhave]

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere ...

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

Harvey

[robyrob]

As soon as one of my buddy's oldest daughter turned 14, he started regularily cleaning his guns out on the front porch. pissed:

[lilhave]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Harvey

[lilhave]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball....

.....stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Great Comebacks

Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Harvey

[lilhave]

THE 27 WORST FAMILY FEUD ANSWERS EVER

I've always been fascinated by groups of five people who try to guess what 100 randomly selected people have said for a chance to win $10,000, which they'll split between themselves before splitting it again with the government. Which will leave each of them with about $32.87 for their troubles.

I've also been fascinated by how one of those five people will crack under the pressure and cost everyone else on their team a chance to walk away with $32.87.

As a result, I've polled 100 people to find the best "worst" answers ever given on Family Feud. The top 27 answers are on the board.

Question: Name a former President that most people would say is honest.
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answers: Nixon

Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle

Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy

Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn

Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time

Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce

Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak

Question: Name a special request people ask for when making a dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu

Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son

Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Inglesias

Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of when you're sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol

Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of your nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answers: Lint

Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
Louie Anderson's Response: If it's up there... I'll be suprised.

Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in their house.
#1 Answer: Relatives
Worst Answer: Mold

Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
Louie Anderson's Response: Show me the strike.

Question: Name something you'd buy for more than a thousand dollars.
#1 Answer: House
Worst Answer: Pleasure equipment
Louie Anderson's Response: I'm afraid to ask what that means.

Question: Name something you think would be difficult about being a waiter.
#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down

Question: Name something a woman would find in her boyfriend's apartment that would make her think he was cheating.
#1 Answer: Bra
Worst Answer: Used condom

Question: Name something a teenage boy can do for hours at a time.
#1 Answer: Video games
Worst Answer: Masturbate
Louie Anderson's Response: I knew somebody would say it.

Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other than the US.
#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere

Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss her boyfriend.
#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answers: She doesn't love him that much

Question: Name something you do in front of your husband that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out
Louie Anderson's Response: With somebody else?

Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address
Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there.

Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar
Louie Anderson's Response: It's terrifying.

Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice
Louie Anderson's Response: Where did you learn to play Scrabble?

Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot of hair.
#1 Answer: 30
Worst Answer: 14

Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer

Harvey

[lilhave]

LOVE HER, BUT..... (a collection of men's thoughts on their women)

... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt. --Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have? --Ted, Wexford, Pa.

... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do. --Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list or it doesn't get done. --Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense. --Jim, Minneapolis

... you can hear her eat soup from the next room. --Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.

... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs. --Miles, Shreveport, La.

... every so often boom she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is. --Cary, Seattle

... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist. --Terence, Gary, Ind.

... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde. --Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle. -Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you? --Arthur, Cedar City, Utah

... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate. --Bryan, Toledo, Ohio

... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning ..." --Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me. --Neil, Orlando, Fla.

... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death. --Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair. --Archie, St. Louis

... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother. --Conrad, Wilmington, Del.

... it annoys her that our children look like me. --James, New Orleans

... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS. --Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her. --Bob, Charleston, W.Va.

Harvey

[lilhave]

LOVE AND MARRIAGE --
HE SAID: Q: Why are brides dressed in white? A: So they match the rest of the appliances.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

SHE SAID:

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

You can fool some of the people all of the time. They're called "men".

THEY SAID:

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Love is blind .. Marriage is an institution for the blind.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

. counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS. --Everett, Little Rock, Ark."


hahhaha....

[T-Greg]

. counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS. --Everett, Little Rock, Ark."


hahhaha....

What a nightmare!

[lilhave]

Marriage Quotes

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft (married to Mel Brooks)

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

-- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Buzzwords from 1904 to 2004

1904 hip

1905 whizzo

1906 teddy bear

1907 egghead

1908 realpolitik

1909 tiddly-om-pom-pom

1910 sacred cow

1911 gene

1912 blues

1913 celeb

1914 cheerio

1915 civvy street

1916 U-boat

1917 tailspin

1918 ceasefire

1919 ad-lib

1920 demob

1921 pop

1922 wizard

1923 hem-line

1924 lumpenproletariat

1925 avant garde

1926 kitsch

1927 sudden death

1928 Big Apple

1929 sex

1930 drive-in

1931 Mickey Mouse

1932 bagel

1933 dumb down

1934 pesticide

1935 racism

1936 spliff

1937 dunk

1938 cheeseburger

1939 Blitzkrieg

1940 Molotov cocktail

1941 snafu

1942 buzz

1943 pissed off

1944 DNA

1945 mobile phone

1946 megabucks

1947 Wonderbra

1948 cool

1949 Big Brother

1950 brainwashing

1951 fast food

1952 Generation X

1953 hippy

1954 non-U

1955 boogie

1956 sexy

1957 psychedelic

1958 beatnik

1959 cruise missile

1960 cyborg

1961 awesome

1962 bossa nova

1963 peacenik

1964 byte

1965 miniskirt

1966 acid

1967 love-in

1968 It-girl

1969 microchip

1970 hypermarket

1971 green

1972 Watergate

1973 F-word

1974 punk

1975 detox

1976 Trekkie

1977 naff all

1978 trainers

1979 karaoke

1980 power dressing

1981 toyboy

1982 hip-hop

1983 beatbox

1984 double-click

1985 OK yah

1986 mobile

1987 virtual reality

1988 gangsta

1989 latte

1990 applet

1991 hot-desking

1992 URL

1993 having it large

1994 Botox

1995 kitten heels

1996 ghetto fabulous

1997 dot-commer

1998 text message

1999 Google

2000 bling bling

2001 9/11

2002 axis of evil

2003 sex up

2004 chav

Harvey

[lilhave]

Evidence suggests Mozart died from trichinosis, caused by eating
undercooked pork. Not only did the bad meat kill the composer, it
also made for an intense final movement

Harvey

[lilhave]

WOMEN JOKES ABOUT MEN

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A Widow

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
I can do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped = or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

*********************************************************************=

THE MEN FIRE BACK.....

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... WEDDING CAKE!!

Harvey

[lilhave]

Three elderly gentlemen were gathered in a coffee shop discussing life in general, when they began discussing what type of legacy they would leave for generations to follow.

"What would you like your offspring to say about you in fifty years?" asked one of them.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.


"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"

Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in 50 years?"


"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Signs You Doctor is Too Old

He was Eve's gynecologist.
He leaves three times in the middle of surgery to pee.
He tells you about the latest in anesthesia... and then hands you a bullet to bite on.
He worked at Mt. Sinai...unfortunately it was with Moses.
Says he's skeptical about this new penicillin drug.
Says the tonsils will have to come out. The only problem is... he's giving you a rectal exam.
After discovering he's out of colostomy bags, he says,"Here, use mine"
Says he served as a medic during the war...the Civil War.
He brags about having delivered Strom Thurmond.
Hanging on his wall is a copy of the Hippocratic Oath... signed by Hippocrates

Harvey

[lilhave]

Life's Laws
1. William's Law : There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
2. Schmidt's Observation : All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
3. Nick the Greek's Law of Life : All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
4. Nowlan's Theory : He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.
5. Van Roy's Law : Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
6. Van Roy's Truism : Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
7. Agnes' Law : Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
8. Clarke's Conclusion : Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
9. Goda's Truism : By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
10. Johnny Carson's Definition : The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
11. Wilner's Observation : All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
12. The Phone Booth Rule : A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
13. Stale's Law : No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.
14. Ettore's Observation : The other line moves faster.
15. Griffin's Thought : When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
16. Manly's Maxim : Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
17. Cann's Axiom : When all else fails, read the instructions.
18. Macaluso's Doctrine : You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.
19. Knebel's Law : It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
20. The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law : An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 17 Signs Your Memorabilia Item is a Fake



Stained toilet paper used by Bobby Knight in motivational speech smells suspiciously like Fudgsicle.

The signature looks genuine enough, but you're pretty sure that Abe Lincoln never played in the World Cup.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter wasn't even available when they filmed "Last Tango in Paris."

Your "genuine William Shatner toupee" has tire marks and a tail.

That ear chunk tastes *nothing* like Evander Holyfield.

The $10,000 you paid for the *N Sync CD signed by John Lennon is ridiculously high. Of course, so was the $16 you paid for the unsigned one last week.

Not only are Hitler's diaries written on Hello Kitty paper, he's dotted his "i"'s with smiley-faces.

You notice that Seattle Slew's signature has only one "t" in it.

Regardless of what the National Enquirer says, Elvis didn't autograph his own autopsy photos.

You're not sure Britney Spears ever had "training implants."

Don King's hair brush looks too, well... used.

Sure, your Top 5 List with Harvey's autograph reeks of cheap wine, cigars and Vaseline -- but it's only got only 5 items!

Fred Astaire didn't even HAVE a wooden leg.

Upon closer inspection, the ball is signed "Carl Yastrzomething."

It's hard to believe that the Pope would autograph a martini glass, let alone do it with "Who Loves Ya, Baby?"

Historians generally agree that Jesus didn't use a wooden fork at The Last Supper.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Memorabilia Item is a Fake...


Your newborn baby looks *nothing* like David Crosby.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Adult Videos for Animals



Deep Goat

The Bitches of Beastwick

A Street Cat Name Desire

Behind the Screen Door

Sniffing Ryan's Privates

Squirrel, Interruptus

Dog-Style Afternoon

Pantin'

The Triple Crown Affair

Mounting Python & the Holy Tail

South Bark: Bigger, Longer, and Unspayed

Hen in Black

Honey, I Humped the Squids

The Pelican's Briefs

and the Number 1 Adult Video for Animals...


Kitty Kitty Gang Bang

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Ways to Tell Your Parents
That You're Not Graduating



"The restraining order banning me from entering the state made it kinda difficult to attend class."

"As a member of PETA, I refuse to accept anything on sheepskin."

"Let me start this off by pointing out that George W. Bush graduated from college, and Albert Einstein didn't."

"Hey, mid-terms were the same week as our IPO roadshow!"

"I was detained by Metallica for listening to their music without express written consent."

"Those bastards refused to count all-night raves towards the Phys. Ed. requirement."

"From the time I was a kid, you've been telling me I had to go to college -- now you want me to *leave*?!?"

"I'm working with the Guinness Book people to break the "Most Years Spent in High School" record currently held by the kids in 'Beverly Hills 90210'!"

"I'll tell you why I failed those history courses... because the professor was as bad as Amos Hitler!"

"Mom, Dad, I've got good news: I'm J.O.B. negative!"

"I still haven't finished my Principles of Economics thesis: The Effects of Ten Years' Tuition on the Retirement Plans of 50-Year-Old Parents."

"Mom, I know this is no excuse, but I was emotionally distraught because Dad's been banging his secretary."

"As chief architect of the dorm's Beer Can Wall, I can't possibly leave until it's finished."

"Look at this way, folks: From now on, all your French fries will be free!"

and the Number 1 Way to Tell Your Parents That You're Not Graduating...


"The good news, Dad, is that we've reserved a spot for you on the 'Parents of Gay Students Expelled from Bob Jones University' float in this year's gay pride parade."

Harvey

[hoodedcobra69]

haha

[lilhave]

The Top 13 Signs Your Computer Has a Virus



Every time you double click something, a message box asks, "Is that your final answer?"

Your motherboard keeps making chicken soup.

Every time you hit the delete key, a naked photo of Shelley Winters pops up.

Snot is dripping out of the disk drive.

Incriminating e-mails about Whitewater, Monica, and Vince Foster mysteriously disappear. (White House only)

Before ejecting the CD, it makes a disgusting hocking noise.

The Dr. Solomon splash screen pops up again, but this time he's brought a priest.

It's having a helluva time getting a referral from the HMO's primary care tech support guy.

Your screen saver now shows Pamela Anderson at home with the flu.

Pus between the keys, pus in the floppy drives, and pus oozing out the top of the monitor -- it's either a virus, or Ron in Sales has been using it without your permission again.

Your web browser just tossed its cookies.

Dell customer service recommends the "nighttime, freezing, rebooting, up-locking, destroying, hosed-drive, deleted so you can buy a new PC medicine."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Computer Has a Virus...


Your dancing hamsters are all dead.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Signs
At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center."

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says:
"Do not throw stones at this sign."

A sign at a roadside rest in Turkey:
"Grill yourself here!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 14 Least Popular Summer Sports



Miniature Cockfighting

Freeze Tag with Real Freon

500m Hot Pavement Ass Scoot & Cheek Scrape

Bowling-ball Soccer

Bobbing for Swimming Pool Baby Ruths

Public Pool Warm Spot Obstacle Course

Unlimited Reverse Strip Poker

50-Meter Hydrogeologic Studies on Regional Scale Risk Assessment

Collieball

Extreme Web Surfing

Million Mom Hurdles

Lawn Farts

Navajo Sweat Lodge Rhythmic Gymnastics

and the Number 1 Least Popular Summer Sport...


Cheese Hockey

Harvey

[lilhave]

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her
lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music
or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the
school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you
blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with
heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean
ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun
manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the
pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother
of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this
computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Over Paying The Lawyer

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services.

The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills.

After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together, he'd been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer:

Should he tell his partner?

Harvey

[lilhave]

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

Harvey

[Anthony33]

Amen Harv. Accountability seems to be sorely lacking these days.

[Anthony33]

No, he should tell the client and return the extra cenote.

[lilhave]

Once there was a boy named Odd.

Odd was the brunt of jokes his whole life, because of his name, even though he grew up to be a successful lawyer. When Odd was old and about to die, he said, "People have been teasing me my whole life, and I don't want them doing it after I am dead, so I don't want my name printed on my tombstone."

After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, "That's odd!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."

Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On the grounds of a private school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."

On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings: "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."

In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel brochure, Italy: "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."

Hotel elevator, Paris: "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."

Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."

Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."

From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."

In an East African newspaper: "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."

Hotel, Vienna: "IN CASE OF FIRE , DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS."

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: "TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY -- NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

Harvey

[lilhave]

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic, and then give in.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

No matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion - not proof - to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

Ex-wives and Ex-husbands are like fungus, and keep coming back.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away, and the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for stress, I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you definitely need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. You should live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

If you lend someone twenty dollars and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

No one is listening until you fart.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

Never wrestle with a pig: you both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you," though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent..

No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.

Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables: get someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Never give yourself a haircut after 3 martinis, or 3 margaritas, or 3 shots of tequila.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, your body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Woo hoo! What a ride!"

The trouble with life is you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, and it's true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

It takes only a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way.

Harvey

[lilhave]

SOME FAMOUS SAYINGS -- REVISED

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL".

Harvey

[lilhave]

For me the hardest part of hand-sewing is threading the needle. Bad eyes, I guess. Now I spray the end of the thread I have to put into the needle with hairspray. Goes right in!!!

Flies or bees bothering you? Spray them with hairspray and
they will take a quick dive.

Sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then
slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.

Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps
them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.

For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 60 years!)

Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes of with little effort (elbow grease that is!).

Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!

Opening brand new jars can be a feat in itself. Well, I have found a way to make it the easiest thing to do. Instead of banging a jar of jam, pickles, etc., with a knife until it loosens up, I simply reach into the drawer and pull out the handy nutcracker. It adjusts to the size of the jar and I simply give it a good twist and off pops the lid!

Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time!

Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.

Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on. Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.

Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at
least 3 hours prior to burning.

To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a
drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit
of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help
bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on
the area and you will experience instant relief.

Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never
cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and
better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before
resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape
over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most
splinters painlessly and easily.

Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty
minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if
necessary).
* Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

Harvey

[lilhave]

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?"The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started".

The guy says, "If working hours are 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

What the Job Ad says & What it means:

Advancement opportunity:
Sh*t job

Entry level
Really sh*t job

No experience necessary
The mother of all sh*t jobs

Administrative assistant
Sh*t job with a title

Ground floor opportunity
Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personality
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important
$20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner
Be voice of 1-900-SUCK

Earn up to $300/hr:
BE 1-900-SUCK

Salary range $24K to $32K
This salary is $24K

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions

B.A. required, master's preferred
Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women & minorities encouraged to apply
White males need not waste the stamp

Outstanding benefits package
Health insurance

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job.

Top-notch communication skills
Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locations
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Secretary
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary
The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement

Salary commensurate
We will pay whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable
We will take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more

Competitive starting salary
Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere
A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere
Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere
Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere
Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self-starter
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means



Harvey

[lilhave]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires andhorns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk onother side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are your rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

Harvey

[lilhave]

World's Worst Predictions - Famously Wrong Predictions

Theoretically, television may be feasible, but I consider it an impossibility--a development which we should waste little time dreaming about.
- Lee de Forest, 1926, inventor of the cathode ray tube

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Thomas J. Watson, 1943, Chairman of the Board of IBM

It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.
- Albert Einstein's teacher to his father, 1895

It will be years - not in my time - before a woman will become Prime Minister.
- Margaret Thatcher, 1974

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
- Western Union internal memo, 1876

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

640K ought to be enough for anybody.
- Bill Gates, 1981

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.
- Hewlett-Packard's rejection of Steve Jobs, who went on to found Apple Computers

King George II said in 1773 that the American colonies had little stomach for revolution.

An official of the White Star Line, speaking of the firm's newly built flagship, the Titanic, launched in 1912, declared that the ship was unsinkable.

In 1939 The New York Times said the problem of TV was that people had to glue their eyes to a screen, and that the average American wouldn't have time for it.

An English astronomy professor said in the early 19th century that air travel at high speed would be impossible because passengers would suffocate.

Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value.
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch in 1911

With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market.
- Business Week, 1958

Whatever happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping.
- Frank Knox, U.S. Secretary of the Navy, on December 4, 1941

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, October 16, 1929.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Things that Hallmark cards don't say:

/////////////////////////////////////////////////



My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it ...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ------------------------------ ----------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky& Arkansas)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."

"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."

"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."

"After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."

"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."

"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

"Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."

"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."

"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If Winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of children's Tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?
What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?
What shape is the sky?
If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?
Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??
Why do blacklights look purple?
Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?
Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?
How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is "thou shall not steal"?
Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?
If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible?
If someone with a nostril ring takes it out, then blows their nose, do they have to cover that hole as well as their nostril holes so that snot does'nt blow out every were?
Isn't it weird that if you rearange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"?
How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk?
How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it?
If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?
You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care?
Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ?
Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date?
If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out?
Can bald people get a hair line fracture?
Why do they put holes in crackers?
How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings?
Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse?
If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them?

Harvey

[lilhave]

I'm looking for a book."

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." -- The actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend."

"Where is the reference desk?" -- Asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK'.

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." -- Other individuals asked for, by other patrons, are Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more.

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?"

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

"I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"

"Do you have anything good to read?" -- The response was, "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

[lilhave]

These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose

Harvey

[lilhave]

More children stories- un-retouched or corrected, with incorrect spellings remaining.......
The Jews were a proud people, and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals ...
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments...
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple ...
The seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery ...
Moses died before he ever reached Canada
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times ...
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines ...
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption ...
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you ...
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance ...
The epistles were the wives of the apostles ...
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage ...
Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Airline exchanges

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

============================================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

============================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."


United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

San JoseTower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.


"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

============= ===============================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"


Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."


Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in


Germany. Why must I speak English?"


Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"


Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."


Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

============================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."


Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."


The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.


Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"


Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."


Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"


Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

===========================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you
to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"


Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of
US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller
in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick
was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?

A: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
– Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
– Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

Harvey

[lilhave]

After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said,
"You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like
to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting a
vasectomy."

The doctor warned, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it
over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party


10. At 11:58 the host announces, "I gotta get up early. Everybody out."

9. You're pretty sure good champagne doesn't come in individual juice boxes

8. Because of poorly designed invitation you end up at Pat Buchanan's party

7. The guy playing Baby New Year in a diaper actually wears one year-round

6. To save money on noisemakers, at midnight host punches you in the gut

5. It's at Puff Daddy's place and no one gets shot!

4. Paper hats are made from health department warning of high mercury levels in the building

3. It's July 31st

2. Host says, "Wanna see the ball drop?" but there ain't no TV

1. The best-looking woman at the party is Janet Reno

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You


10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife

9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and posted on the Internet

8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg

7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living room carpet

6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat ass"

5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"

4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse

3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD

2. Turns his reindeer loose on you

1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof

Harvey

[marvelousmarcus]

Funny, very Funny!

[lilhave]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
15. A calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
20. A short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
22. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
24. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The absolute highlight of your day is deleting your bulk messages.
You go to pee and your to-do list is complete.
You have 5 kids and live in your parents basement.
You obsess about the fact that you scored 4 touchdowns in a single game
You've been in and out of college for 10 years and still need to find yourself
You study movies frame by frame to find the tiniest inconsistency.
You married your high school sweetheart
You wake up at 4pm and go back to bed in 5 hours.
Your rarely have time to go out because your venus fly trap farm needs attention.

Harvey

[lilhave]

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a
vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to
have the time of his life--that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing-- only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it
to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools
and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is
a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the
house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit
down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm
going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave?There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside
a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Warning Signs
On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."
On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."
On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."
On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees."
A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."
On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: "Protect from seawater."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Things The Founding Fathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today


10. "Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!"

9. "Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn't such a bad idea after all..."

8. "Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines"

7. "That's odd -- in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond"

6. "So that's the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams"

5. "Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square"

4. "We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!"

3. "Back in our time there certainly wasn't anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin"

2. "He did what in the Oval Office?"

1. "Screw this, we're going to Canada"

Harvey

[lilhave]

The 10 Worst Website Names:

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it looks.

Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity:
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in
New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software:
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church:
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?
www.gotahoe.com

Harvey

[lilhave]

Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help >From Depends

Roberta Flack --The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba -- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

Harvey

[lilhave]

Rules Of The Road

The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.
The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.
The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.
The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.
Toll booth operators must possess at least two of the following qualities:
-Less than ten digits
-Lack of teeth
-A rare skin disorder
-The ability to mispronounce the simplest of words
-The inability to give directions in under ten minutes

If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.
The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.
When the gas gauge needle hits "E", there's still a gallon left in the tank.
When the gas gauge needle hits "F", the tank isn't really full.
Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.

Harvey

[lilhave]

I've got a new diet. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and as much as I want. I'm not losing any weight, but it's really easy to stick to.

I've started an exercise program, too. I do 20 sit-ups each morning.

That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

Can't stick their heads out of Windows XP
Fetch command not available on all platforms.
Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.

Harvey

[lilhave]

I have good news and bad news," the defence attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

Harvey

[Anthony33]

Heh good ones. :lol: There's a commercial for some local New York DJs Opie and Anthony that have a promo like this where they're in a clothing store and the woman's looking into a mirror and says "Do I look fat in this dress?". Anthony says "NAH, not at all" and Opie, after a brief pause goes "It's not the dress" :lol:

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your House Is Being Haunted By A Lame Ghost


10. When he "levitates" your furniture, you can clearly see the wires

9. Sometimes when you're not looking, he'll balance your checkbook

8. Awakens you in the middle of the night just to see if you want to play Yahtzee

7. Whenever you have someone over, jealously asks, "But you and I are still best friends, right?"

6. Spends all day on couch watching "Oprah", crying his eyes out

5. Doesn't moan, just laughs his ass off when you're naked

4. When he forgets his key, has to wait for you to let him in

3. Tries to convince you he's the ghost of Mickey Rooney, even though Mickey Rooney's still alive

2. Scares you by saying he's gonna vote for Bush

1. Your house is built on an ancient lame-person burial ground

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Australian Pickup Lines


10. "Wanna play Hide The Koala?"

9. "I put the 'laid' in 'Adelaide'"

8. "I'd like to take a safari in your outback"

7. "I'd love to didgeridoo you"

6. "G'd'ass, mate"

5. "I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout"

4. "Nice wiener schnitzel"
(Sorry, that's an Austrian pickup line)

3. "Hey Matilda, how about some horizontal waltzing?"

2. "Let me show you why Australia started out as a penal colony"

1. "Me shrimp, you barbie"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You've Had A Lame Summer


10. Instead of sunburn, you have large red mark where you accidentally leaned against stove

9. Your only summer fling was kissing grandma during visit

8. That "Alan Keyes in 2000" tattoo

7. Only fireworks you saw were when your Firestone tires blew up on the highway

6. You just woke up with a vicious hangover and a "Happy New Year" hat

5. Your big summer trip -- when the guards let you out of solitary for a smoke

4. Went on a trip to West Nile and caught the New York virus

3. Only time you saw sunshine was when "Survivor" was on

2. Your phone number is one digit off from the Firestone recall hotline

1. You're a pro golfer and your name ain't "Tiger"

Harvey