LILHAVE LAUGHTER ARCHIVE

[lilhave]

Hello

Welcome to this year's public service entrance exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and a desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: an early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work; flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work; free government stationery - this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.

I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to Parliament - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test and SPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test.


MATHEMATICS:

Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.

1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm how long have you had for lunch?

The answer of course, half an hour.

For those of you who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Howard's tax policy adviser.


MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. If you are about to take your lunchbreak and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:

a. Can I help you, madam?
b. Can I help you, miss?
c. What can I do you for, mate?
d. How YOU doin'?

The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunchbreak, you shouldn't talk to her at all.


2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realise that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:

a. We are looking into the matter b. Can I get back to you on this one?
c. The matters have been referred to another committee d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.

The correct answer is, that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.


SPELLING:

Spell the following words:

a. Tea b. Sickie c. Lunchbreak d. ATO

This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

Thanking You

Harvey

[savageamusement]

Ha....

[lilhave]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old
baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation
is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together
as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called,
you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a
pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a
chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb
*******' is it?" Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your
grandmother."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Married to a Spy


10. He goes out for a quart of milk; returns weeks later with a tan and a suitcase full of cash

9. During dinner, the butter dish keeps whispering, "Agent 29, come in, Agent 29"

8. For your honeymoon, he took you on a tour of South Korean radar installations

7. You look under the bed and find three midgets in tuxedos

6. When you were naming your child, he kept suggesting "Odd Job"

5. Instead of HBO, you have a direct video hookup to Saddam Hussein's bedroom

4. He's always joking that your meatloaf is "harder to crack than a Pentagon code"

3. Most of your marital spats occur when you forget to tape "Get Smart"

2. Somehow, he always knows to pass the potatoes before you even have to ask

1. You tried to use his ballpoint pen and accidentally shot yourself in the ass

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Elementary School Principal is Nuts


10. Constantly going on P.A. system yelling, "Metallica rules"

9. Whenever you walk by his office, he's in a shouting match with his pet monkey Earl

8. Often stops by your classroom to eat a handful of chalk dust

7. During the fire drills, huddles in corner under a soaking-wet blanket

6. He bets the school's entire yearly budget on the Jets

5. He cried when he didn't get to be the carrot in the school play

4. On Saturday afternoon, you find him naked in his office licking textbooks

3. No matter why he asks to see you, somehow the conversation always turns to `Nam

2. There's footage of him on the local news giving out detentions on the freeway

1. His vice-principal is Mariah Carey

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
Giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it,
We have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which
The choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed
Due to the addition of several new members
And to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope
Along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining,
Super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
Would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------- --------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
In the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

[lilhave]

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra. The
doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife
will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't
you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if
there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor
asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Dating A Loser


10. He keeps saying, "I can't believe it! Me...on a date!"

9. You go for a moonlit walk on the beach, and he's using a metal detector

8. The name inside the heart tattoo on his arm is his

7. He has Dr. Kevorkian on speed dial

6. The fur coat he gives you is made out of his own back hair

5. He keeps reminding you he was Danny Partridge

4. His last name is Cruise

3. During dinner, he keeps using his toupee to wipe clam sauce off his chin

2. He keeps bitching about not being asked back to host the Academy Awards

1. He's so afraid of Hillary he never even stays the night

Harvey

[lilhave]

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.

I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

Don't look at me with that tone of voice.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I am having an out of money experience.

Smoking is a dying art.

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"

I don’t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

Jesus saves. Moses invests.

Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.

I wasn't the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.

I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

Men are like roses - watch out for the ******!

Why is the original text in a document called "copy"?

I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It’s one of those self-help books. It’s called "How To Get Along With Everybody." I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk.

I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.

It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

That guy is so vain - he won’t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.

A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."

I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months. It's probably the mittens.

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Obey gravity! It's the law.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That's a good thing, because he's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor, "You can go on in." The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, "You can go in on a trial basis." The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, "You can enter, but only for 3 days."

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it.

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke."

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.

One cannibal says to another, "I hate my mother-in-law."

The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.

There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It's the Picabo ICU.

A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!"

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.

Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, "This is the longest stairway I've ever seen!" The other guy says, "Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back."

I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"

He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell.

There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!

All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.

What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.

What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?"

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?"

There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.

Two cows were talking to one another in Washington. One says to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "What do I care, I'm a helicopter!"

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It's a good thing I didn't catch more, I couldn't afford them.

A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."

A nun says to Mother Superior, "There's a case of syphilis in the convent!" Mother Superior says, "That's great, I was getting tired of the Chablis."

I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!"

A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man, "Paint my porch out back, and I'll give you $100". Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, "I'm all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes."

There is a sale in the men's department. All pants are half off.

What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the most violent book I have ever read!"

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They're all Targets.

A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."

The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Two salesmen are at another salesman's funeral. One says to the other, "What did he have?" The other salesman says "California, Oregon and Washington".

A will is a dead giveaway.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner." Vet: "That's OK, he's a boxer."

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Woman: "I'll miss you."

One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry.

At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

"Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

All computers wait at the same speed.

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it.

It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air Supply.

Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!

A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

Why don't they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11?

A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, "I will need to ask you a few questions." "What is 2+2?" The blonde said, "4." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered, "Blue." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said, "I don't know." The officer said, "When you find out come back and tell me." So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, "As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Reasons Lois Lane is Dumping Superman


10. His heat vision sometimes turns on accidentally when he's drunk

9. She's now totally deaf in one ear because of his super-snoring

8. Every time he left toilet seat up, blamed it on Clark Kent

7. He always had to go "stop an earthquake" when her parents were in town

6. Was inspired when Lisa Marie dumped her man from another planet

5. Always making wisecracks about how his x-ray vision couldn't penetrate her meatloaf

4. Had to expose him to kryptonite to get him to take out garbage

3. His insistence that the kids be raised super

2. She saw him barhopping in the Village wearing a Wonder Woman costume

1. Faster than a speeding bullet, if you know what I mean

Harvey

[lilhave]

Gifts You'll Never See
Don't look for these at your local Target.
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The new Card Game, ISLAMIC POKER: You lose a hand, you lose a hand!

Fairly Serious Putty

Lil' Electrical Outlet Licker

The new Card Game, 5200 Card Pickup: Keeps kids busy all day.

Ginsu Boomerang

The Duncan YO: It never comes back up. It teaches kids how to live with disappointment.

The Pee Wee Herman Pull Toy.

Nintendo 63: this one was pretty easy to come by this holiday, for some reason.

Capitalizing on pitcher Hideo Nomo’s success, the new toy: Tickle Me Nomo.

Hasbro's Lil' Barber

Another one capitalizing on the Tickle Me Elmo success, the new toy: Tickle Me Carrot Top

Don King Hair Care products.

Angry Bird-In-A-Bag

Mike Tyson’s Hooked on Phonics.

The John Goodman AB sculptor.

New treasure hunt toy: You get to comb out the beard of the Men’s Wearhouse Guy. I guarantee it!

Mick Jagger brand Chap Stick

The new doll: Turnip Patch Kids

A gift certificate for Hannibal Lechter’s new BBQ restaurant.

The new video by Don Knotts in a purple dinosaur suit: Barney Fife

Doggie Dentist

An actual copy of the latest Star Trek screenplay, “Live Long and Perspire”.

A selection of Vin Diesel brand shampoo products.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Not One of the World's Most Eligible Bachelors


10. Every piece of clothing you own bears the Spiderman logo

9. Even on a first date, you make the woman pay her own bus fare

8. The most intimate question a girl has ever asked you: "Would you like fries with that?"

7. The video you sent to the dating service shows you holding up a 7-11

6. Your e-mail address: "www.troubled loner.com"

5. The ladies seem to be frightened off by your nickname, "The Suicide Doctor"

4. You can't walk into a room without someone saying, "Who's frying bologna?"

3. Sy Sperling gets most of his transplant hair from your back

2. Your friends tell you that if you lost 50 pounds, you'd look just like Wilford Brimley

1. Your last three girlfriends have been inflatable

Harvey

[lilhave]

Why Men Are Proud Of Themselves:

We know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
We can open all our own jars.
We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
We don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
We can leave a motel bed unmade.
We can kill our own food.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
Underwear is $10 a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on our faces stays the original color.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me".
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?".
We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
We almost never have a "strap problem" in public.
We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
We don't have to shave below the neck.
A few belches are expected and tolerated.
Our belly usually hides our big hips.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
We can do our nails with a pocketknife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.
We know nothing about "dust" and we don't care.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Titles Being Considered for Anna Nicole Smith's New Book


10. How to Bury a Millionaire

9. Where There's a Will, There's Me

8. No, Of Course I Didn't Really Write This Myself

7. Everything I Need to Know I Learned By Reading My Husband's Dividend Statements

6. It's a Wonderbra Life!

5. Buy This Book or I'll Smother You

4. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, My Chest is From a Catalog

3. Days of Discovery: My Years at the Cal Tech Physics Dept.

2. The Scratch and Sniff Book of Really Ancient Dudes

1. A D-cup Bra and an A-cup Brain

Harvey

[lilhave]

Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?
If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach?
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off?
Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
If you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads?
Why can't liquor freeze?
If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down?
How come they don't add the time that we are in our mom's to our age?


Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?
What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack?
Who was in the kitchen with Dinah?
Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?
Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?
How old does something have to be to become an antique?
Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked


10. Your mailman, meter reader and gardener are all the same guy

9. You're about to buy a bus ticket and the stranger behind you says, "Aw, can't we go by plane?"

8. You're pretty sure you're not the one who taught your parrot the heavy breathing

7. Twinkie wrappers are all over your driveway in the morning

6. Every night at 11 o'clock, a voice from the linen closet shouts, "Turn on the Seinfeld rerun!"

5. When you bring in your morning paper, the crossword puzzle's already done

4. Four or five times a day, your secretary says, "Stalker -- line one!"

3. When you do "this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors and see all the people," you count 16 fingers

2. The only way you can lose this guy is to go to a Mets game

1. After you take off your pants, there's still someone else wearing them

[Lamont]

when i saw the title i was SURE it must be an update on a "Certain Banned Member" from Chicago
but i was glad it was just harveys old vaudevillian leftover humor!

:mango

[lilhave]

Application to Date My Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and
current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______
G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE
parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married
____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A
waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly
button ring? A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to
you?____________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to
you?

_________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend
__________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and
priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers
are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is
________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
________________
c) A woman's place is in the
________________________________________

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
_____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her Is
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave
premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
__________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________
Signature( That means your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause
you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen weaning white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back)


Harvey

[lilhave]

Application to Live in Kentucky

Name: __________________________ Nickname: _____________________________

CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________

Address (RFD No.):_________________--_________________________________

Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects): __________________________________

Mamma:_________________________

Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____

Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________

Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag
____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting Rifle

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:____

BUMPER STICKERS:
____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of **** too
____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint ****
____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you're horny
____I Brake For Nuthin' ____National Rifle Association
____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-****
____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky

Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater
2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans 8. ****-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie
4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:
____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____Other

Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D.
____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____Duke

Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy

Weapons Owned:
___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry Swich

Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle
___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem: ___John Deere ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors
___NAPA ___Redman ___Kodiak
___N.R.A. ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear

Number of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________

Memberships:
___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AAA
___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society

Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________

Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____

Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red? ___Yes ___No

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_____

How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?_______

Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?__________

Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?________

What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________

Are you married to any of the following:
____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow

Do you know her name?________________

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?_________

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________
If so, why?___________________________________________________________

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
To 21 with your fly up?_____________________

Do you know any words that have more than four letters?_______________

Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________________

Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___Chafing

If your application is turned down by the state of Kentucky, you may
be eligible in the states of Texas, Oklahoma, Tennessee, or Arkansas.
Their standards are slightly lower, however, you will still be able to
visit Kentucky.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Books Doctors Read
1. How To Turn and Ordinary Little Lung Transplant Into a Vacation Home
2. Turn Your Waiting Room Into a Financial Bonanza Through The Simple Use of Vending Machines and Pay-For-View TV.
3. All the Things that 9 Out of 10 of Us Recommend
4. Chicken Scratch: How to Not Only Write it, But Speak It
5. There's Big Money in Second Opinions
6. "Cat Scans to Bed-Pans"--The novel that finally puts some humor into diseases.
7. Bedside Jokes to Tell the Terminally Ill.
8. Getting Your Fair Share of the Hypochondriac Market
9. 101 Places You Can Buy 6-Year-Old Magazines For Your Waiting Room
10. How to Convince Your Patient That He or She Needs the Entire Battery of All 37,513 Tests Available to the Medical Community

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Vacationing at a Bad Resort


10. Every few minutes, lifeguard screams and fires spear gun into swimming pool

9. Continental Breakfast is just a glass of water and some Tums

8. After you rent snorkel, you notice your car's radiator hose is missing

7. Every time you leave the hotel, they set up a petting zoo in your room

6. After housekeeper turns down your bed, she tries to turn down your pants

5. At dinner, you have to sign a legal waiver before every bite of food

4. They make you get up every morning at five and make you walk the resort poodle

3. You have to share jacuzzi with a maid rinsing out towels

2. Riding stable consists of a drunk guy who lets you bounce on his lap

1. Nightly entertainment provided by Dr. Kevorkian

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 11 Signs Your Town's
Mayor has Mob Connections



Heroic deeds earn you the Brass Knuckles to the City.

He refers to taxes as "the vig."

Unique budget has neighboring towns paying a "horizon use" tax.

Mayor McCheese's real name: Formaggiano

Department of Sanitation accepts bodies every other Wednesday.

He appeared in The Godfather as "Himself."

Jury duty replaced by "mayor's car starter" duty.

Creates a Relocated Witness Exposure program.

Parking meters replaced with little slot machines.
("Two cherries and an orange -- we have 30 minutes.")

Let that parking meter expire and you'll find a horse's head wedged under your windshield wiper.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Town's Mayor has Mob Connections...


Sanitation Department makes you an offer to can your refuse.

Harvey

[lilhave]

You know you're on a bad date when:
(female version)

You order a Whopper Value Meal and he says, "Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
You've never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.
Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2"
He's especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.
He calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.
You know you're on a bad date when:
(male version)

She whispers to the waiter, "Please kill me."
You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your windshield.
She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.
She keeps calling you "Bachelor Number Two".
"Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?"
She transitions the conversation by saying "I've said enough about me. What do you think about me?"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Psychic Advisor


10. At your first session, she asks, "Are you here for a seance or a massage?"

9. Her "crystal ball" has three finger holes in it

8. She helped Larry King pick out his last six wives

7. Says, "You will soon be the victim of a hilarious practical joke," then squirts ketchup on your pants

6. Predicted Letterman would do "just fine" at Academy Awards

5. When you ask her to help you contact the dead, she gives you Keith Richards phone number

4. Answers all your questions with, "Hold on while I ask LaToya"

3. Urges you to get in touch with the "Real Bob" inside you, but your name is Tom

2. For the last five years running, has predicted the Pirates will "go all the way"

1. She tells you to marry a tubby, womanizing draft-dodger

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in thestreet and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks"Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... "

And here I am.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Summer Camp


10. Every time you complain about being homesick, they make you eat a bottle of Prozac

9. It's located on the median of the Santa Monica Freeway

8. Each cabin is named after a different member of the Van Patten family

7. Bunk beds are all marked "Property of the Serbian Army"

6. The water level in the lake rises whenever someone flushes the toilet

5. You spend your entire day sewing Nike labels onto pairs of Air Jordans

4. Counselors end up having an 81-day standoff with the FBI

3. Have to toast marshmallows by laying them on the exhaust pipe of counselor's Buick

2. Introduction to Marksmanship class taught by Lyle and Erik Menendez

1. Camp's Indian name translates to "Land of the Giant Ticks"

Harvey

[lilhave]

What Is Marriage???

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
18. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
20. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
21. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
23. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all-money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow! It was all gone." What happened, asked his friend. He says my wife found out.
24. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes, I, am. I married the wrong man.
26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Doing business With a Bad Bank


10. When you make a deposit, tellers, high-five each other

9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast

8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon

7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English

6. You notice Kato Kaelin sleeping in the vault

5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil

4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants

3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos

2. Toll free customer service line is 1-800-GET-HOSED

1. Four words: Bank President Ben Laden

Harvey

[lilhave]

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"I'll pick up some of the s**t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no s**t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some s**t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Least Popular Items for Sale at the Disney Store


10. 101 Dalmatians birth control pills

9. Micky Mouse glue traps

8. Fudge-covered Jiminy Cricket

7. Herbie the Love Bug penicillin

6. Home video of Sneezy gettin' it on with a Keebler elf

5. Bambi's Own venison jerky

4. Scratch `n' sniff the "Pirates of the Carribean"

3. It's a Small World boxer shorts

2. Lifesize inflatable Snow White

1. Eurodisney

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Ways to Beat the Heat in New York City


10. Get hit by bike messenger; enjoy breeze as you fly through the air

9. Find a nice, shady spot under Al Sharpton

8. Ask cabbie to drive you to airport, then enjoy pleasant side trip through Maine

7. Burrow into one of the thirty-foot high snowdrifts left from last month

6. Go to Times Square and score a crack Slurpee

5. Tie together a few East River mob corpses and go rafting

4. Get shot by Bernie Goetz, sue for $43 million, and buy yourself a bitchin' fan

3. Participate in lame talk-show skit, "May We Turn Your Pants Into Shorts?"

2. Go to deli and plant your ass in a freezer full of Chipwiches

1. When Baskin-Robbins guy asks, "Cup or cone?" you say, "In my pants"

Harvey

[lilhave]

What every North Carolinian knows.

Opossums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in North Carolina.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in North Carolina, plus a couple no one's seen before.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls; it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

More about North Carolinians...

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. You know what a 'tar heel' is.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.

8. You know what "cow tipping" is.

9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete and catchup.

10.The local papers cover national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

11. You think that the first day deer season is a national holiday.

12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm"

13.You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

14. You know whether another North Carolinian is from east, west, or middle North Carolina as soon as they open their mouth or by the barbecue they eat.

15. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "going wal-martin" or off to"Wally World"

16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor, Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

17. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

Harvey

[Lamont]

me no get it :p

[savageamusement]

Lifesize Snow White?

Let me guess 7 of them were bought.

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your San Francisco Tour Guide is Nuts


10. Locks you in his car trunk and tells you its Alcatraz

9. Gets kicked out of Golden Gate Park for trying to tie-dye a squirrel

8. During walking tour, demands that you carry him up all the hills

7. Keeps saying, "Don't you just Haight Ashbury?" and then laughs until he passes out

6. Asks if you want to see Coit Tower, then drops his pants

5. Instead of cable car ride, shoves you downhill in a shopping cart and screams, "Clang! Clang!"

4. His name is Clint Eastwood

3. Says, "Look what Tony Bennett left in my tour bus!" and holds up a human heart

2. It takes three cops and the entire bakery staff to get his ass out of the sourdough

1. He actually thinks you want to see his 49ers shower curtain

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten New McDonald's Menu Items for Adults


10. Happy Meal with Prozac

9. Anatomically Correct McNuggets

8. Arch Support Deluxe

7. McMetamucil Shake

6. Big Mac served in one of Pamela Anderson's old bras

5. Egg McMuffin with hair plugs

4. Large fries previously owned by Jackie O -- only $145,000

3. Supersize 32-ounce Martinis

2. Victoria's Secret Sauce

1. Quarter Pounder with crack

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of the Kentucky Derby


10. Keeping your horse on a steady diet of bourbon and Cheetos

9. Trying to bet on which horse will make the best glue

8. Running around the infield in nothing but a sash of roses

7. Repeatedly introducing yourself as "Kentucky Herbie"

6. Asking the Governor's wife, "Wanna put me out to stud?"

5. Every ten seconds you wave your ticket and yell, "Bingo!"

4. Your horse's hoofprints are found on Whitewater documents

3. DNA tests prove that your "rare French thoroughbred" is actually a dune buggy

2. Asking "Whose handsome steed is that?" when Janet Reno walks by

1. Strapping a jet engine to your horse's ass

Harvey

[Lamont]

9. Anatomically Correct McNuggets


Harvey

hmmmm

i thought we only had those here in the south?

:lol:

[lilhave]

Words To Learn By !!


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.


Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Signs You've Hired
The Wrong Marriage Counselor



Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology."

Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must divorce."

"I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis that small."

Her latest book: Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards

"Just shut up and screw" doesn't seem like very good advice.

After you've earned enough "session points", you get to choose either a Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun.

When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, "Prove it."

"Communication, schmunication - let's talk about 'backdoor love'..."

"Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now."

You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy" is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the English language.

Always takes Hillary's side.

In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session by hooking your genitals up to a car battery and tossing your wife the keys.

Agrees with husband that a request to "honk on Bobo" is foreplay enough.

"Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. You are a whiny bitch."

and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor...


Her last name has six hyphens.

Harvey

[lilhave]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

Harvey

[KristinHerreraFan]

Exactly how many threads are you gonna make this morning? :lol:

[lilhave]

Exactly how many threads are you gonna make this morning? :lol:

For the last 3 mos. I have posted three jokes each day. Today was no different. If anyone doesn't like them, please pass them by and with no offense taken.

Harvey

[KristinHerreraFan]

For the last 3 mos. I have posted three jokes each day. Today was no different. If anyone doesn't like them, please pass them by and with no offense taken.

Harvey

Oh come on, I was kidding. :)

[lilhave]

Oh come on, I was kidding. :)

I still love ya, but I got my eyes on your girl friend. Neve saw her on TV but she is a cutie.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog will tilt his head and try to understand every word you say.
A cat will ignore you and take a nap.
A cat looks silly on a leash.
When you get home, a dog will be happy and lick your face.
A cat will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
A dog will give you unconditional love until the day he dies.
A cat will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
A dog knows when you're sad, and he'll try to comfort you.
A cat doesn't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
A dog will bring you your slippers.
A cat will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
When you take them for a ride, A dog will sit on the seat next to you.
A cat has to have her own private basket, or she won't go at all.
A dog will come when you call him, and he'll be happy.
A cat will have someone take a message and get back to you, maybe.
A dog will play fetch with you all day long.
The only thing a cat will lay with all day long is small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
A dog will wake you up if the house is on fire.
A cat will quietly sneak out the back door.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Television Series is Going to be Cancelled


10. TV Guide describes every episode as "same crap as last week"

9. You recently had to start sharing your studio with a Mexican game show

8. According to Las Vegas oddsmakers, show has less chance of coming back than Dean Martin

7. The chief surgeon in your tense medical drama is played by Carrot Top

6. It's called "Those Wacky, Innocent Menendez Brothers"

5. Sunset Boulevard hookers make you pay in advance

4. Title contains any combination of the words "Central," "Park" and "West"

3. Everyone who sees it agrees with the Unabomber that all televisions must be destroyed

2. Your only sponsor: Clogs for Dogs

1. It's not a rip-off of "Seinfeld"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ...."Don't you have a vase?"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Accountant Is Nuts


10. In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million dollars"

9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures

8. You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote

7. Insists that there's no such number as four

6. He laughed at the Bob Dole background check (I'm sorry -- that's a sign he's hypnotized)

5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents

4. Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically

3. Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek

2. Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant"

1. He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his ass

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Ways to Tell the Show You're Watching Won't Be a Hit


10. The actors are holding each other's cue cards

9. Laugh track consists of a guy with a wet, hacking cough

8. You start thinking "maybe I'll go listen to that new Mariah Carey CD"

7. Title contains the words "The" and "Mommies"

6. Actors frequently break character and scream: "Good Lord, does this suck!"

5. The biggest laugh of the night involves a dead chicken in underpants

4. Big purple dinosaur keeps biting the children

3. Skinny gap-toothed host reads lame list

2. Show's premise: man with bionic ass

1. It's on FOX

Harvey

[lilhave]

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other , "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck". "Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee." His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued.

"You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."

"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"

"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."

"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Something Is Wrong With Your School Lunch


10. The "surprise" in the "vegetable surprise" is a nasty case of botulism

9. The chowder's served in same bucket the janitor soaks his mop in

8. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they're serving albino pot pies

7. When you say the name "Steve," your pudding shudders as if to say, "Yes -- that's me. My name is Steve"

6. Court Tv shows up to order DNA testing on it

5. That Rice Krispies sound is coming from the pats of butter

4. You eat something that doesn't taste too bad, then realize it's the styrofoam tray

3. Hours after eating, your hair mysteriously falls out of your head (vt)

2. You see a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet

1. Chicken a la Don King

Harvey

[lilhave]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having Affair With Prince Charles


10. Hidden in the closet you find a pair of earmuffs the size of a CD player

9. Always bragging that she could have you beheaded

8. She has a terminal at Heathrow named after her

7. Lately, she seems to know an awful lot about polo

6. Her new wall plaque: "Official Supplier of Sex to His Royal Highness The Prince Of Wales"

5. Suddenly, the only thing she'll eat is bangers and mash

4. Her unemployed brother somehow gets a job as a viscount

3. She replaced painting of dogs playing poker with original Magna Carta

2. She complains that your family doesn't have enough inbred lunatics

1. The crown marks on her thighs

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You Should Drop Out of the Race


10. Can't even get to first base with any of the campaign interns

9. In the polls you're running just behind Regis

8. Biggest campaign contribution is half-a-roll of Lifesavers

7. At fundraising dinners, they make you sit at card table with kids

6. Paula Jones says she wouldn't even think of doing it with you

5. Show: "Oprah", Topic: "Incredible Losers", Guest: You

4. You tell people you're running for president, and they say "president of what?"

3. All you feel like doing lately is throwing baseballs at an archery target (roll vt)

2. The only politician who endorses you is Mayor McCheese

1. You nail three hookers on the Capitol steps, and the press just doesn't care

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 12 Signs Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled



"We've reserved your usual urinal for your test, Mr. Strawberry."

Recently had his jersey retired -- by the Betty Ford Clinic.

Cheerios cancels her contract, replaces her with Mike Tyson.

"Can't do autographs" at card shows because he's handcuffed to a federal marshall.

Collector's Edition card features her drinking bongwater.

Headliner at the "Jake LaMotta Poetry Jam."

Got lousy reviews for his role as the wacky camp counselor in "Meatballs VII."

His most recent endorsement deal: "Got Crack?"

Can field two entire teams of his own for the Father/Son game.

35 paternity suits can't *all* be wrong.

Larry King hesitates for a split second before kissing his ass.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled...


Restraining order prevents him from running past the 40 yard line.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Signs the Term Paper
You Bought Won't Get an "A"



The title: "Oppenheimer, the Atom and 25 Reasons Elton John can KISS MY ASS."

Your pretty sure Einstein was never called "Alberto" by the friendly townspeople who worked at his large, Italian winery.

Watermark on each page: "As Seen On TV!"

Even with four-inch tall letters, it's hard to fill five pages with a haiku.

Somehow, "Today's Soviet Union: The Triumph of Central Economic Planning" just doesn't *sound* right.

Caligula is not one of the "Italian Pastas That Made the Migration West."

The bibliography includes a photocopy of your check.

"Nucleic Protein Staining of Dyed Polyethylene Fibers: Why Tide Just Won't Work" by M. Lewinsky

The author had to switch to green crayon on page two when his red crayon broke.

"What kind of paper can I get for $5? OK, uh, what can I get for $5.50?"

It was only worth a "C+" ten years ago when your professor wrote it for *his* philosophy class.

Your thesis on "The Anarchist's Cookbook" could have been as effective without the live demonstration.

Twenty five pages of "All work and no play makes Jim a dull boy" is just plain scary.

"Bug-eyed and Butt Ugly" is probably not the best title for an analysis of Emily Dickinson.

and the Number 1 Sign The Term Paper You Bought Won't Get an "A"...


"In Search of the Male Multiple Orgasm: A Personal Odyssey"

Harvey

[lilhave]

You know it is time to turn your computer off when...
A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!"
You forget how to work the TV remote control.
You see something funny and scream "LOL, LOL."
You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said "You've got Mail!"
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IM's.
You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ISP in your car.
Tech support calls YOU for help.
You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
You say "SCROLL UP" when someone ask what it was you said.
You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

Harvey

[lilhave]

little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

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You got Male!


Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Mayor is Nuts


10. Had his last name officially changed to "McCheese."

9. When you call 911, you get a recording of him singing show tunes.

8. Demands separate salary for each of his 27 personalities.

7. Trades key to city for plate of delicious buffalo wings.

6. His solution to crime problem: a giant signal to attract Batman.

5. Takes out ad promoting your city as "a great place to shoot your next pornographic film."

4. Can often be seen in the park, loudly declaring himself "Mayor of the squirrels."

3. Agrees to do lame comedy bit on network talk show.

2. Whenever someone says, "Your honor," he says, "No -- but I was last night!"

1. Raised taxes one billion percent.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 12 Differences if All Mothers Were Lawyers



All baby girls are named Sue.

"If it doesn't fit, you'll grow into it."

Favorite bedtime story: Goldilocks and the Tortious Misappropriation of Personal Property Belonging to the Plaintiffs (referred to herein as "The Three Bears").

Perfectly acceptable to assert your Fifth Amendment rights when she asks what you're doing in the bathroom so long.

You *do* have to clean your room, and she *will* make a federal case out of it.

"Your honor, opposing counsel never calls, he never writes!"

Finding out there is no sanity clause.

"And when I get home I want your room... wait, did you hear an ambulance?"

Ally McBeal wouldn't be allowed to leave the courthouse cafeteria until she eats everything on her plate.

"Habeas your corpus back in this house right now, you little tortfeasor!"

"...If I should die before I wake; Mommy'll sue your ass for negligence. Amen."

and the Number 1 Difference if All Mothers Were Lawyers...


"May I approach the witness? He's got a little schmutz on his face."

Harvey

[lilhave]

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

Harvey

[lilhave]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Things Said by Moms in the Bible

Biblical "mom-isms"!

Top Ten Bible Countdown . . .

10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)

9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!

6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

1. Jesus! What do you think... you were born in a barn?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send you a limo?
After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest fast-food restaurant?
Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?
Do your picnics in the country involve renting a trailer?
Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry...

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Custome r: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician




"Put your hands together for Dildo the Magnificent!"

Novel as it may be, pulling a hat out of a rabbit just plain scares the kids.

Trick #1 -- the disappearing pants!

Seems genuinely amused every time he pulls a quarter out of your ass.

He calmly announces that any "animal lovers in the crowd should probably leave the room for the next few tricks."

Saws the lady in half, then tells the kids that only "money from mommy's purse" can make her whole again.

At first you though an anal retentive magician would be funny, but who wants to see a guy saw a woman into 259 slices of unvarying width?

Turns out his patented "pounding a woman in half" trick is XXX rated.

During intermission, she made your 15-year-old son's virginity disappear.

All of his "tricks" are written in C++.

Keeps telling your daughter, "It's not the size of the wand that matters, it's the magic in it."

His version of "The Disappearing Dove" requires a can of Crisco and a latex glove.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician...


Sure, the rabbit-from-the-beret thing was cute, but The Great Lewinsky's "Magic Stain" trick was downright gross.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Things To Say When You're Stressed

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
4. Do I look like a people person?
5. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
7. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
9. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
10. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
11. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
13. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
14. You look like sh*t. Is that the style now?
15. Earth is full. Go home.
16. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
17. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
18. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
19. If assh*les could fly, this place would be an airport.

Harvey

[Corona Extra]

Word for Word real experiences, one is slightly edited for language using the word screw in place of expletive(s). These are not jokes I swear!


Customer: I can't connect to the Internet.
Tech: Do you have a firewall?
Customer: Yes, I do.
Tech: Why don't you turn off your firewall and try it then.
Customer: Ok. So, if I move my computer farther away from the fireplace then I can get to the internet?

------------------------------

Tech: Hi, this is Will what is your problem?
Customer: I can't renew my program.
Tech: Ok, I'll give you a generic password so we can get in and then renew.
Customer: Ok
Customer: It doesn't work.
Tech: Ok, try this other password.
Customer: It doesn't work.
Tech: Ok, is your...
Customer: Will
Tech: Yes?
Customer: Do you play Baseball?
Tech: Yes, I like Baseball.
Customer: What level of achievement did you reach?
Tech: I never reached any level, I play recreationally.
Customer: Well, William, imagine you were a lowly recreational baseball player, and I was a major league pitcher and you were lined up against one of my fastballs. YOU WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE!!
Tech: Sir...
Customer: Basically you're telling me to screw off!
Tech: Sir, hitting a major league fastball and renewing your program are two entirely different things.

--------------------------

Tech: Hi, what is your problem?
Customer: Hi, I can't download your program.
Tech: Ok, are you on our website?
Customer: Well that seems to be the problem, I can't get there.
Tech: Ok, Type in www.abc.com and we'll go from there.
Customer: Ok
Tech: ......
Customer: ....
Tech: Hi
Customer: It doesn't work.
Tech: Are you connected to the internet properly?
Customer: What? You mean I have to have the internet to download something?

[lilhave]

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 14 Signs Your Car Needs Washing



Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.

On their way to the fishin' hole, Andy and Opie stop by your windshield for bait.

Greenpeace won't let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.

Neighborhood kids offer: "Mow your Volvo, sir?"

Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.

Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.

"Wash Me" appears on your trunk -- chiseled with a jackhammer.

Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.

Your "cell phone antenna" is really a sapling which took root.

The kids seem really freaked-out by those blood stains in the Bronco.

Visits to the farm always result in pigs humping your tires.

Kids write "PLOW ME!" on your trunk.

When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Car Needs Washing...


That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing baby!!!

[lilhave]

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressingcompanion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking adedicated! flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramelcandy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in myCamaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If youwere a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together andlisten to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you canremember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two headstogether.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in runningcondition, but walks well.

Harvey

[lilhave]

What Is An American?
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollarsa year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen-year-old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $5.00 to park our car while eating a $2.50 sandwich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sister

Harvey

[lilhave]

Link now works.

Harvey

[RedWhine56]

Harvey, you are so totally losing it. WHAT LINK? (I'm trying to work with you here because us old fa%&Ts have to stick together.)

[lilhave]

Harvey, you are so totally losing it. WHAT LINK? (I'm trying to work with you here because us old fa%&Ts have to stick together.)

Didn't make myself clear. Here it is from original post.


http://mywebpages.comcast.net/jwwaller/elvis/

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Horror Movie


10. Terrifying zombie looks suspiciously like Keith Richards.

9. Killer keeps saying, "I know what you had for lunch."

8. When the dead guy's hand reaches up from the grave, all it wants is a "high-five".

7. Instead of hockey mask, killer wears really frightening sombrero.

6. Joe Pesci plays an undead mob boss "Whack-ula".

5. Plot involves guy with allergies stuck on island inhabited by fluffykitties.

4. Victims keep screaming, "Please kill me -- this movie sucks."

3. Biggest scream comes when movie-goers hear price of a large popcorn.

2. You've seen more blood during a haircut at Supercuts.

1. It's just like "Scream", without all the really scary crap.


Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With Santa Claus


10. She refers to your bed as "Santa's Workshop".

9. An elf comes by the house to drop off a pair of her earrings.

8. Your new baby has white hair and a beard.

7. She smells like a combination of peppermints sticks and reindeer chow.

6. Instead of mailing your children's letters to Santa, she just stuffs them in her bra.

5. Paramedics need jaws of life to get the two of them out of yourchimney.

4. Lately, she's been commuting to work in a flying sled.

3. She keeps saying, "Not tonight -- visions of sugarplums are dancingin myhead."

2. For Christmas, your kids receive something called, "TheYour-Daddy-Sucks Doll".

1. During sex she shouts, "Ho, ho, ho!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery...since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man
called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Harvey

[lilhave]

You Might Be a Farmer if...
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife does.

You wave at every vehicle passing by whether or not you know the occupants.

You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even after dark.

You have ever had to wash off in the back yard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

You have never willingly thrown away an empty 5-gallon bucket.

You have used baling wire to attach a license plate to a vehicle.

You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seeding rate, herbicide rate, and final yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday or dress size.

You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors' crops.

You have "borrowed" gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

And finally, if given $1,000,000 you would keep right on farming. You'd farm differently, but you'd keep farming because that is who and what you are!

Harvey

[jennymcc]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :clap:

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs It's Time to Retire from Boxing


10. Blows to the jaw often cause your entire head to fly off.

9. Your last match was promoted as "The Snooza in Tuscaloosa."

8. When you hear the bell, you shout, "Is it dinner time, mommy?"

7. Left hook is severely hampered by your I.V. drip.

6. Instead of "Let's get ready to rumble!" announcer says, "Let's watch the geezer get his ass kicked!"

5. Your main strategy: distract opponents with cute pictures of your grandchildren.

4. Recently broke your hip putting on boxing trunks.

3. Opponent's glove keeps getting caught in your rolls of fat.

2. Your idea of a one-two combo is Metamucil and a nap.

1. Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on your hearing aid.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick or Treating


10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Harvey

[lilhave]

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit
cards.


2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.


3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.


4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.


5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.


6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.


7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of
his territory.


8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he
might be retarded.


9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.


10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting
on it.




11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.


12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other
weather.


13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.


14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is
the wrong size.


15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.


16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.


17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under
frozen foods.


18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.


19. ,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.


20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.


21. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of
toast.


22. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.


23. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.


24. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.


25. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.


26. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently
eaten bananas.


27. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.


28. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.


29. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.


30. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.









31. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.


32. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.


33. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C.


34. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.


35. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.


36. % of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.


37. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with
his teeth.


38. In 1681, the last dodo bird died.


39. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
coffee.


40. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.


41. An Indian woman can legally wed a goat.


42. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.


43. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.


44. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.


45. What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.


46. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.


47. The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.


48. Every person has a unique tongue print.


49. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.


50. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.


51. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.


52. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in
their wallets.


53. Bubble gum contains rubber.


54. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.


55. In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."


56. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.


57. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.


58. The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.


59. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.


60. Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.


61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.


62. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.


63. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh,
why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!]


64. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.


65. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.


66. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend,
Indiana.


67. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The
rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]


68. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.


69. An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day.


70. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.


71. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.


72. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.


73. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in
1991.


74. Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."


75. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western
Pacific.


76. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them
are in Parma!]


77. Most lipstick contains fish scales.


78. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.


79. Mosquitos have teeth.


80. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.


81. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.


82. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and
Elvis Presley.


83. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.


84. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.


85. Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.


86. % of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential
hell."


87. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients
would die.


88. An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.


89. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant
"plenty of excrement."


90. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.


91. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

Harvey

[lilhave]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac.

Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?"

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs an Umpire Is Nuts


10. His chest protector has large silicone implants.

9. Cleans home plate with his tongue.

8. The first batter has worked the count up to 46 balls, 29 strikes.

7. Makes own face mask out of bubble wrap and duct tape.

6. Was seen checking into Motel 6 with the Philly Phanatic.

5. Three small and very telling words: wears a cape.

4. Keeps running up to fat guys in the stands and yelling, "Babe Ruth! You're alive!"

3. Insists that "baseball fever" is the cause of that weird rash onhis back

2. Whenever he sees a player adjusting himself, shouts, "Ball two!"

1. Long after game has ended, he's still squatting.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Noah's Ark in 2006



In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved)....
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agents insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Actual Test Answers Written by Middle Schoolers of St. Paul's, School, Concord, NH...
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practice virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs an Umpire Is Nuts


10. His chest protector has large silicone implants.

9. Cleans home plate with his tongue.

8. The first batter has worked the count up to 46 balls, 29 strikes.

7. Makes own face mask out of bubble wrap and duct tape.

6. Was seen checking into Motel 6 with the Philly Phanatic.

5. Three small and very telling words: wears a cape.

4. Keeps running up to fat guys in the stands and yelling, "Babe Ruth! You're alive!"

3. Insists that "baseball fever" is the cause of that weird rash onhis back

2. Whenever he sees a player adjusting himself, shouts, "Ball two!"

1. Long after game has ended, he's still squatting.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office


10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett.

9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.

8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.

7. Hard to concentrate with all those "60 Minutes" reporters hanging around.

6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.

5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.

4. Instead of Wite-Out, you're encouraged to use mayonnaise.

3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling.

2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.

1. No desk chairs -- everybody squats.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Ways New York City Cops Are Being More Courteous


10. Say "please" and "thank you" when extorting protection money from local merchants

9. New sirens that sound like someone politely clearing their throat

8. In addition to your one phone call, you get a lovely glass of ginger ale

7. New motto: "The criminal is always right!"

6. Before a strip search, they take you to dinner and a movie

5. After kicking in door, they say, "Did we come at a bad time?"

4. With each mug shot taken, you get two wallet-size prints

3. Fingerprinting now followed by manicure

2. Instead of, "You have the right to remain silent," "You have no right to look so fabulous!"

1. Three words: pine-scented mace

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Ways to Make School More Appealing to Teenagers


10. In biology class, dissect least popular student

9. Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell

8. Every day at 2 PM: school wide booty call

7. Instead of "Father of Our Country," refer to Washington as the "Puff Daddy of Our Country"

6. When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room

5. Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing

4. New curriculum: reading, writing, and wrecking stuff

3. Simplify geography to "America" and "them foreign bastards"

2. Sex ed. includes weekly field trip to Hooters

1. Fail a test, win a dirt bike

Harvey

[lilhave]

http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

Harvey

[lilhave]

Be very careful! I just got this e-mail. It happened to a friend of mine.
>>
>>
>> HOME DEPOT SCAM
>>
>>A `heads up' for you and any friends you have who may be regular Home
>>Depot
>>customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while
>>out
>>shopping. Simply going out to get hardware and supplies has turned out to
>>be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to
>>you.
>>Here's how the scam works:
>>Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you
>>are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
>>windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
>>their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them
>>and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to
>>another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way,
>>they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into
>>the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals
>>your wallet.
>>
>>I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 8th, 9th, 10th and twice today -- so be
>>very careful.

Harvey

[savageamusement]

6. Before a strip search, they take you to dinner and a movie



Hahahahahahahaha:happyface :happyface :happyface

[lilhave]

The Top 11 Differences in the Middle Ages
if Microsoft Had Existed Then



Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.

Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.

Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."

The "Good Plague" hoax.

Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.

The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.

Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.

Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.

Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a cream pie.

Stained Glass Windows MCCCXLV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXLVI.

and the Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then...


The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 13 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO



Its clever name? "Whatevercare"

Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.

Anesthesia? Your choices: Whiskey, a bullet to bite on, or a Louisville Slugger to the head.

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

"Chemotherapy" machine looks suspiciously like a tanning bed.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of "X-ray specs."

Tongue depressers taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...


Radiation treatment for cancer patients consists of a carrying a postcard from Chernobyl in your pocket.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.

Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.

"The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.

Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.

Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.

She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.

His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister

During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"

Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."

His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.

Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.

Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one, I'm going to need to borrow your bra."

and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician (Part I)...


Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Oh****oh****oh****!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 20 Signs Your Realtor is Crazy



You ask to see something in a Greek Revival; she takes you to a performance of "Oedipus Rex."

Instead of a pen, gives you a complimentary severed finger with his name and work number on it.

Lists "protection money" as a closing cost.

Claims he can get your loan approved in the backseat of his car.

Insists on carrying you over the threshold of every home.

Works for the realty company of Hussein, Khomeini and Qaddafi.

The only houses he shows you are on streets that rhyme with "beef."

Thinks a duplex is Hulk Hogan's signature move.

"House!" apparently designed by little-known brother Andrew Lloyd Wright.

Calls his minivan the "Pimpmobile"

Takes you to every McDonald's and exclaims, "Would you look at the size of that kitchen! And check out that dining room!"

Says chalk body outlines on the floor are growth records of past owner's children.

Replaces all the pictures of your family with those of supermodels-then tells potential buyers that "it's the water."

Shows you 3 bdr; 2 bth; 9 circls; lk of fr; wpng, wlng, gnshng/tth; prgtry adjcnt

"I can tell by the shape and smell of your ass that you're not Joe Average Homebuyer, no sir-ree!"

Wants to augment the listing of your mobile home to include "top speed" and "miles per gallon".

She asks if you have any "hang-ups" about squatting.

"Fixer upper" advertised in paper turns out to be 78,561,230 Popsicle sticks and 10 gallons of white glue.

His sales pitch normally ends with, "....and from *this* window, I bet you could pick off ten, fifteen people before anyone gets suspicious!"

and the Number 1 Sign Your Realtor is Crazy...


Screams, "Feel how plush this carpet is!", then takes off shoes, moon walks and shocks your earlobe.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings



My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.

I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes --
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me --
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.

Be my Valentine... and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red.
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!

Hey.

Youse da greatest.
Youse da best.
But you're untouchable
Like Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always
And you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.

and the Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting...


When a goon makes you die,
cuz you told him goodbye
-- that's amore!

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're On A Lame Summer Vacation


10. Your hotel room offers a breathtaking view of the Persian Gulf

9. The package is 5 days, 2 nights

8. Closest thing you get to a sunburn is a rash from the hotel linens

7. Instead of a wet t-shirt contest, there's a less satisfying "wet hat" contest

6. Limbo stick looks an awful lot like a human femur

5. Difference between the presidential suite and a regular room? Free Q-Tips

4. Ask where to take a swim, the concierge suggests mall fountain

3. The bed in your room is not a water bed but it's awfully damp

2. Conga line ends at Scientology Center

1. Most action you got was when mom kissed you goodbye

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Humor of Youth

Young people are a prime source of embarrassing statements and bone-headed bloopers. Now it seems that their teachers are sharing all this on the Net.

History teacher and author Richard Lederer strung together a loose history of the world based on unusual statements in student essays. For example:

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg.

Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Net humorist Tina Mancuso collects and shares strange statements in fifth and sixth grade science papers:

Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 9 Signs Your Doctor Flunked Medical School



You explain the rustling sound in the background as you going into your little black bag. The truth -- brown paper bag and a Mad Dog 20/20.

Photographic evidence of her home gynecological exam is all over the Internet.

"Bilirubin? Didn't he sing with the Beatles???"

He backs up all his pharmacological advice with references to Cheech & Chong.

Most recommended cures involve chants, candles and fresh chicken blood.

After administering medicine she asks, "Did I say that was oral or anal?"

Tries to use the show to plug his panacea, "Crackicillin."

She has just introduced a new line of home colonoscopy and prostate surgery kits.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Doctor Flunked Medical School...


He insists that your heart bypass operation will go well as long as the surgeon doesn't trigger the red nose light and buzzer.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 9 Signs You've Gotten a Bad Hotel Room



The guy at the front desk stares at your chest and asks if you could "sleep facing the clown painting."

They don't take American Express, but will consider stereos, VCR's or jewelry.

At check-in, the clerk informs you that all of the "Non-Infested" rooms are taken.

"Room service" nothing more than a can of Spam and a bottle of Ripple in a brown paper bag.

"Marv Albert wuz here" chewed into headboard.

Room service answers, "This better be good, Jerry Springer's on."

A second look at the sign out front reveals you're at "Howard's Johnson."

Sign out front says, "WELCOME, NAMBLA CONVENTION"

and the Number 1 Sign You've Gotten a Bad Hotel Room...


"Indian Graveyard Inn" even sounds like a bad idea.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Dictionary Of Dating

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Apartment


10. Every time you pass the doorman, he's wearing another article of your clothing

9. You notice a cockroach playfully carrying your cat in its mouth

8. You can't get through your bedroom door for all the yellow police tape

7. You have what appears to be hot and cold running chowder

6. Your building's security system is just a cardboard cut-out of Clint Eastwood

5. When you ask the super to fix your leaky faucet, he says, "Whoa, I'm not exactly Norm Abrams"

4. Rent must be paid in small, non-sequential bills

3. It's the same bedroom you had as a kid, but now your parents are charging you two grand a month

2. Instead of painting your apartment, Super just coats the walls with mayonnaise

1. Three words: that ain't carpet

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Getting Into College


10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot

9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald's uniform

8. After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco Bell

7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers

6. Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and "castration"

5. You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "some good, honest book-larnin'"

4. Instead of application, you send in a Where's Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled

3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin' Eddie"

2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black

1. Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Good Things About Being a 63-Year-Old Mother


10. Baby crying? Turn down your hearing aid

9. At movies, you get both "child" and "senior citizen" discounts

8. You'll spare child "When I was your age..." speech, since you don't remember when you were her age

7. Baby + your dentures = hilarious "giant-toothed monster baby"

6. Get to replace Michael Jackson in Guinness "Weirdest Pregnancy in History" category

5. By the time your daughter's old enough to start dating really creepy guys, you'll be dead

4. Three words: shared nap time

3. Great chance to start "Bring Your Daughters to the Rest Home" day

2. Save money: buy diapers in bulk for your kid and you

1. There's always a place for you on Oprah

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Home Needs a Spring Cleaning


10. Someone asks, "What died in here?" and you show them

9. Dust on TV screen gives everybody comical Andy Rooney eyebrows

8. When you win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, Ed McMahon refuses to get out of the van

7. The so-called "Dust Bunnies" have sharp, snapping teeth

6. Your house gets hit by a twister and it actually looks better

5. Guests take one look at your bathroom and decide to use the backyard

4. When someone from the health department rings your doorbell, you say, "Not again!"

3. Every time you turn on a faucet, you hear a muffled barking sound

2. Even Robert Downey, Jr. refuses to sleep on your floor

1. You've been receiving death threats from Mr. Clean

Harvey

[lilhave]

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after
doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: "Take dees bocket, go into
de odder room, poop in de bocket,! Pee on de poop, and den put your head
down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was
wrong with me?"

The doctor said .... "You were homesick."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs The Ringling Brothers Circus Has Gone Downhill


10. You hear someone say, "Wow -- two whole clowns fit in that little car!"

9. Fire-eater quit and was replaced by a guy who swallows gum

8. No clowns, no stunts -- just jai-alai and cockfights

7. Fatlady only weighs about 145

6. Instead of firing a guy out of a cannon, they just dump him out of a moving car

5. 15 minutes into the show, the ringmaster is asking audience if they have any special talents

4. All the strongman does is unscrew the tops of tough-to-open jars

3. The Ringling brothers don't even bother to ringle anymore

2. Cotton candy tastes suspiciously like fiberglass insulation

1. The tightrope is six inches off the ground

Harvey

[lilhave]

BUBBA

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is
It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants
Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all
Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she
Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he
Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer.

"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . . . What I want to know is, kin
I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her

She has a thicker moustache than you

When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions

You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole

Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system

You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin

At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic

She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut

You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno

At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill

You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh

She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan

She is better hung than you

She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her

She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you

She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you

Harvey

[KonfusionFTC]

ahahah i know the last one hahaahah..

[lilhave]

Stress Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Examples:

Milk Duds, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls and Red Vines.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples:

Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We All know how calories like to cling!!)


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Harvey

[lilhave]

Tools Explained

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
BOX KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs McDonald's Is in Financial Trouble


10. After asking if you want fries with that, they ask if they can sleep on your couch

9. Instead of name tags, employees write their own names on their shirts in ketchup

8. Mayor McCheese now moonlighting as exotic dancer

7. Special promotion: for a pledge of $100, the manager will deep-fry his own hand

6. Old sign: "Over 35 billion served;" New sign: "Please buy something or we're, like, totally screwed"

5. Oil in deep-fryer now changed every six months instead of every two months

4. As last-ditch effort to attract customers, they're putting meat in the burgers

3. The only thing secret about the sauce is that it expired in March

2. Haggard Ronald McDonald wanders through restaurant, asking customers, "Are you going to finish that?"

1. Happy Meals now 25% less happy

Harvey

[Japs]

:p

[lilhave]

You Know You're In Trouble When
...Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

...You have to hitchhike to the bank to make your car payment.

...Your suggestion box starts ticking.

...Your secretary tells you that a police detective is on line 1, a prosecuting attorney is on line 2, and the local news reporter is on line 3.

...You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

...You see the captain of your ship running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

...They pay your wages out of petty cash.

... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

... You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.

... Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

... A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

... You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

... Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

... The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

... The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

Harvey

[lilhave]

10. Extensive coverage of recent fighting between the Israelis and the lesbians

9. Pages 2 through 8 are corrections of previous edition

8. Every sentence begins, "So, like"

7. TV listings only for Zorro

6. Weather forecast reads "Look outside, dumbass"

5. Multiple references to "President Gore"

4. Obituary includes list of people they wish were dead

3. Headlines fold over to create surprise Mad magazine-type hidden message

2. Restaurant critic recently gave IHOP four stars

1. Reporting that Oprah isn't gay, but Letterman is

Harvey

[lilhave]

When you need to carry a child they will want to walk.
When you want them to walk they will want to be carried.
When you bring the stroller they will want to walk.
When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.
The more potential a food has for stains the greater the coverage area when it is hurled by a child.
Corollary: The more potential a food has for stains the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes.

A child's favorite one day is never a favorite the next day (especially food).
The intensity of the tantrum is directly proportional to the amount of people around to witness.
If it's mine it's mine,
if it's yours it's mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it's mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is yours.
If I make a mess you must clean it up
If I broke it, its your fault
The louder you speak and the more you repeat something is inversely proportional to the amount of information taken in.
Soccer, Dance, Basketball, Softball, Piano, Girl(Boy)Scouts (etc.) is always on the same day with less then 5 minutes between.
The more preparation time for the meal the less likely a child is to eat it.
As soon as the snow suit, and all of the paraphernalia that accompanies, is on the child will have to use the bathroom.
As soon as the child is in the car and the car has left the driveway the child will have to use the bathroom.
The clothes/shoes you bought last week will not fit this week or will not be "cool" enough for this week.
The amount of sound from the other room is inversely proportional to the amount of trouble the child is getting into.
The more you paid for the car seat the more the child will hate it.
When you are in a hurry the child will dawdle.
The greater the importance of the phone call the bigger the mess the child will make or the louder the tantrum the child will have.

The availability of daycare is directly proportionate to how badly you need it.
Your child will always wait until you are fully dressed for work before spilling their food on you.
The later you let a child stay up at night, the earlier he will wake up in the morning.


Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Grammy Award


10. Your band consists of you, your Uncle Bob, and his touch-tone phone

9. Your hit single was titled "The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences Sucks"

8. Academy has never honored a musician who plays a comb with a piece of Kleenex over it

7. When the usher looks at your ticket, he says, "Oh, yes, the loser section"

6. Critics say your music just hasn't been the same since Vanilli left the band

5. You're always being asked to do benefit concerts for the tone-deaf

4. All of your gangsta rap songs contain the phrase "tea cozy"

3. No award for "Best Rendition of `Sexual Healing' by a drunken guy at his sister's wedding"

2. You play the pan flute, and four of the judges are sleeping with that son-of-a-bitch Zamfir

1. You're "the Artist Formerly Known as Tony Orlando"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Surprises in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue


10. This year's theme: "girls who wouldn't date you in a million years".

9. All the supermodels were busy, so they hired the office cleaning staff.

8. Stephanie Seymour's "Urkel" tatoo.

7. Because nobody reads the articles, they just reprinted a 1985 interview with "Refrigerator" Perry.

6. Flexible new binding makes it much easier to read with one hand.

5. They saved money on travel expenses by shooting the whole thing on Staten Island.

4. History of the bikini includes several photos of J. Edgar Hoover.

3. As part of an advertising deal with Dinty Moore, models had to pose knee-deep in stew.

2. Exotic locations include Venezuela, Monte Carlo, and the oval office.

1. All the swimsuits are modeled by Richard Simmons.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You'd Make a Bad C.I.A. Director


10. Before spying on someone, you always ask, "Mind if I snoop around a little?"

9. You've got a letter of recommendation from Fidel Castro

8. Your last covert mission was stealing frozen burritos from 7-11

7. Whenever someone asks you for the time, you say, "Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything I know!"

6. You still think O.J. didn't do it

5. The last piece of "intelligence" you acquired was that nougat is chewy

4. You think Bosnia is one of the Spice Girls

3. Your name: "Larry" Your ATM code: "Larry"

2. You keep a secret about as well as Ellen DeGeneres

1. You think "C.I.A" is pronounced "see-ya"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia


10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs a candy store that's open one or two hours a day

9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race: Vincent "The Chin" Gigante

8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator

7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the cars exploding in his driveway

6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday: paper boy gets "iced"

5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head off"

4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal the family recipe for apple crisp

3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob informants

2. After having an argument with his kid, your kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on his pillow

1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bulletholes

Harvey

[lilhave]

You Know It Will Be a Bad Day When

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40...and you really are.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.

Harvey

[Lex Luthor]

I told you before Harv, stop trying to out me.:mad:

Or my friend Tony "knucks" McGee will have to pay you another visit.

[lilhave]

The Top 12 Signs Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled



"We've reserved your usual urinal for your test, Mr. Strawberry."

Recently had his jersey retired -- by the Betty Ford Clinic.

Cheerios cancels her contract, replaces her with Mike Tyson.

"Can't do autographs" at card shows because he's handcuffed to a federal marshall.

Collector's Edition card features her drinking bongwater.

Headliner at the "Jake LaMotta Poetry Jam."

Got lousy reviews for his role as the wacky camp counselor in "Meatballs VII."

His most recent endorsement deal: "Got Crack?"

Can field two entire teams of his own for the Father/Son game.

35 paternity suits can't *all* be wrong.

Larry King hesitates for a split second before kissing his ass.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled...


Restraining order prevents him from running past the 40 yard line.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Signs Your Fraternity
Brothers Don't Really Like You



They stripped you and locked you in the trunk of your car with a fifth of vodka -- but that was three weeks ago, and you're getting cold and hungry.

Your "hazing" involves rope, concrete blocks, and a river.

Other pledges: hazing guided by the university's Uniform Code of Acceptable Fraternal Practice; You: hazing guided by old "RoadRunner" cartoons.

You understand the spanking part of the hazing ritual, but the peanut butter and the German Shepherd were totally uncalled for.

You get a "special" hazing which involves a Jacuzzi and a toaster.

Even though you're 99% finished with that 'Get elected US President' hazing ritual, they still won't return your calls.

They refuse to let you borrow their Hootie and the Blowfish CDs.

The only times they let you into a frat party are when they need some fingerprints on a piece of evidence.

They only let you binge from the keg of O'Douls.

They challenge the pledge class to see how many pledges can fit into your sister.

Everyone else's drunken group-bonding features strong homoerotic overtones, but yours is just a naked paddling.

All the sorority virgins get taken to *your* bed. Just not by you.

They trade you, 3 Molsons and a bag of Funions to the Deltas for a neon beer sign.

Helloooo? You're *paying money* to hang out with them! Do I need to repeat that?

and the Number 1 Sign Your Fraternity Brothers Don't Really Like You...


Your pledge command: Every time George W. Bush says something dumb, you do a shot.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Rejected Self-Help Books



Winning Through Whining

The Artist's Way at Home: Living Off Your Parents -- Twelve Weeks to Financial Dependency

I'm OK, You Suck Big-Time

"It's a Dead Thing!" -- Martha Stewart's Guide to Funerals

Dogs are from Neptune and Cats are from Hell

Face It: Mental Health Isn't for Everyone

Using Self-Doubt to Overcome Good Health

Boogers for Fun *and* Profit!

Perspire Away Pounds by Sweating the Small Stuff

Bitch-Slap Yourself Skinny!

Drink And Grow Rich

Stop Molesting Your Inner Child!

The Couch Potato's Guide to Becoming a TV-Watchin' Tub o' Lard

Tequila Shots for the Soul

and the Number 1 Rejected Self-Help Book...


Men Are From Mars! We're #1! Go Mars! We're Gonna Kick Your Ass, Venus!

Harvey

[lilhave]

Bumper Stickers
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Everyone has a right to be stupid; some just abuse the privilege.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?
Young at heart, slightly older in other places.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
I loathe people who keep dogs: they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
It is much, much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know, and...
Do unto others, then run!

Harvey

[lilhave]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

It's easier to fight for ones' principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.

I don't get even, I get older.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs


10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares

9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause

8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"

7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia

6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy

4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers

3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest

2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"

1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Martha Stewart's Worst Tips For Living


10. If you notice a guest using the "wrong" fork, pick up the "right" fork and jam it into his head

9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces

8. Add glitter to every damn thing you own

7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri & a stack of wrestling magazines

6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about what's in the chili

5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows

4. To liven up a "black tie only" affair, wear only a black tie

3. You want livin'? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the bastard

2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between teeth

1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair

Harvey

[lilhave]

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" first thing in the morning.

Harvey

[lilhave]

What Every Man Expects In A Wife

She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick -- just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "Can I get you guys another round of beers?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.


What He Usually Gets

She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a dump truck company.
Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
She's a light eater. Once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults. Everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Children's Perspective on Marriage

WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." -Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. -Anita, AGE 9


HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8


CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -Bert, AGE 5


HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, AGE 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, AGE 10

"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, AGE 9


WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, AGE 9


THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." -Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." -Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, AGE 7

Harvey

[lilhave]

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps; it's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 14 Signs You're Watching a Low-Budget Movie



Most of the special effects involve Legos.

View out the spaceship "window" looks an awful lot like your screen saver.

Flushing sounds heard before waterfall scenes.

Big chase scene marred by Hot Wheel (tm) trestle failure.

Something tells you that "Star Wars Episode II: Porky's Revenge" isn't a George Lucas production.

Sociopathic slasher's weapon of choice: grapefruit spoon.

That "LOW BATT" you see isn't a subtitle.

Hard to believe an International Superspy would drive a Gremlin.

"Computer generated characters" are created by combining a colon and parentheses.

The boom mike is in so many shots, it gets over-the-title billing.

During the dramatic shot of the ocean liner sinking, you can clearly see a gigantic bar of Ivory Soap in the background.

Either that's a zipper or Godzilla has had a vasectomy.

"Starring Tae Bo master Billy Blanks as Nelson Mandela."

and the Number 1 Sign You're Watching a Low-Budget Movie...


That "alien monster" looks suspiciously like someone's genitalia.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Saturday mail delivery in Canada was eliminated by Canada Post on February 1, 1969!

In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!

There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal Crackers cookie zoo!

Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane as a precaution!

Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card!

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!

There is one slot machine in Las Vegas for every eight inhabitants!


The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off!


Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!

The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year!

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia!

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders!

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!

A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel!

A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile!


The Philadelphia mint produces 26 million pennies per day!


A lightning bolt generates temperatures five times hotter than those found at the sun's surface!

A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!

It is estimated that 4 million "junk" telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machine are made every day in the United States!

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill!

Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and Canada!



The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur!

Cat urine glows under a black-light!

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist!

Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland!

A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average!
Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand!

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times!

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks!

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night!

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone!

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside!

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove!


Hummingbirds can weigh less than a penny!!


Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it's known as Tennessee!

The Earth weighs around 6,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons (5,940 billion billion metric tons)!

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation!

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie!

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year!

It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television!

The average American/Canadian will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year!

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a certain church in Omaha, Nebraska!

you're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete!

Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!

The state of Florida is bigger than England!

There are more than one million animal species on Earth!

In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits

It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!

Harvey

[lilhave]

A 30-year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.

You no longer consider staying under the speed limit a challenge.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

You know you're a grown-up because you groan every time you get up.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You turn out the light for economic reasons.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, and that bundle you've spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You're proud of your lawn mower.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

You're asleep, but others worry you're dead.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You learn where your prostate is.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer questions with, "Because I said so!"

You know what the word "equity" means.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Strange Epitaphs From Near And Far

1. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

2. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

3. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

4. A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

5. Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

6. Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

7. In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

8. John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

9. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

10. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

11. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

12. More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

13. Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

14. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

15. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

16. Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.

17. In a cemetary in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

- To which someone replied by writing on the tombstome:

To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

18. On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

19. In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

20. A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

21. In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

22. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

Harvey

[lilhave]

This may explain it

----- WHY OUR COUNTRY IS IN TROUBLE? MAYBE THE FOLLOWING WILL HELP EXPLAIN IT.

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response - click.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
.............................................

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
---------------------------------------------------

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast and she bought that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".

Harvey

[lilhave]

A few changes detected in California----

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?


California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets.


So basically, it was just like California is today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

Harvey

[KonfusionFTC]

AAHAHAHAHAHAH

[savageamusement]

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night!


Hmmm don't let the prisoners hear that

[lilhave]

I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.




Nice man treat me
good in there,
Say I need to
see welfare.

Harvey




Welfare say,
"You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door."




Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,
Medicare it keep
you healthy!




By and by,
I got plenty money,
Thanks to you,
American dummy.




Write to friends
in motherland,
Tell them 'come
fast as you can.'


They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks




They come here,
we live together,
More welfare checks,
it gets better!




Fourteen families,
they moving in,
But neighbor's patience
wearing thin.




Finally, white guy
moves away,
Now I buy his house,
and then I say,




"Find more aliens
for house to rent."
And in the yard
I put a tent.




Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw the welfare cash!




Everything is
very good,
And soon we
own the neighborhood.




We have hobby
it's called breeding,
Welfare pay
for baby feeding.




Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!




American crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.




We think America
darn good place!
Too darn good for
the white man race.




If they no like us,
they can go,
Got lots of room in
Mexico .

[lilhave]

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Opening Of The Clinton Library

10. "I'm sorry, this part of the library is strictly for 21-and-over."

9. "A library in Arkansas--well, now I've seen everything."

8. "The hours are 9 to ???"

7. "This is the first presidential library I've seen with hourly rates."

6. "He has the largest collection of adult magazines since Herbert Hoover."

5. "Don't forget to try the snack bar's impeachment cobbler."

4. "That concludes our ceremony--you're all invited to stay for ham hocks and moonshine."

3. "Damn, Bubba has a huge desk."

2. "It's the only presidential library with a ladies' night."

1. "Security to the front--Kerry is here sobbing again."

Harvey

[lilhave]

The History of the Middle Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable
of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as
"plucking the yew"
(or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset
and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the
defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew"!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals
fricative "F", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

*And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

Harvey

[lilhave]

10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.

9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.

8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap Mexican hit-men.

7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.

6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.

5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.

4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."

3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.

2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"

1. Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day

Harvey

Subject line should be crime money saving tips

[lilhave]

Golf Quotes From Famous People

1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works.
4. Unknown: "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.
5. Babe Ruth: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
9. Tommy Bolt: "[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it.
10. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet.
11. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
12. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
13. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.?
14. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.
15. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
16. "Silk Stockings" TV: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.
17. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.
18. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.
19. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
20. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.
21. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 14 Reasons To Be Afraid Of Your Roommate



He keeps asking where would you like to be buried when the time comes "just out of curiosity."

Instead of spare change, you've been finding bullets between the sofa cushions.

Bogarts the remote every time "Unsolved Mysteries" or "America's Most Wanted" is on.

Charles Manson got a restraining order against her.

He laughs at all the wrong parts in Silence of the Lambs.

Even her "Be back soon!" notes are made from cut-up magazine letters.

He's a 350-pound neo-Nazi S&M freak, and he and your fiancee are insisting you appear with them on "The Jerry Springer Show."

She's already irritable because her condescending, judgmental, hypocritical style really hasn't carried over that well from radio to TV -- but just wait until she finds out you're the one who sold those old nude photos of her.

Some people from The Hague just called to ask if you've seen him.

Her religion requires one virgin sacrifice each year, and you're a TopFive Contributor.

Gets very defensive when you ask him why he bought a vat of formaldehyde.

The voices in her head are so loud even you can hear them.

O.J. catches him in bed with his girlfriend and just tiptoes out of the room quietly.

and the Number 1 Reason To Be Afraid Of Your Roommate...


All the utilities are in your name.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 12 Signs Your High School Football Coach is Nuts



Instead of X's and O's on play charts, he uses "Wills" and "Graces."

"Hey! You with the helmet! No, You! No, the other one!"

Most coaches insist that their players wear cups, but double-D's with underwires?

You hear him blowing his whistle, but it's not in his mouth.

Opening game through Homecoming:
Builds giant butter sculpture of Roger Staubach.
Homecoming through playoffs:
Eats giant butter sculpture of Roger Staubach.

Claims the outcome of the game is decided by an invisible man who lives in the sky.

You know when he's had a night of passion at home from the tell-tale cleat marks on his face the next day.

When diagramming plays on his hairy beer gut, always starts with "Okay, this nipple is the quarterback..."

30 years after surprise homecoming victory, team members involved in pouring Gatorade over his head start turning up dead.

Shows the team footage of their last post-game showers.

Despite abusive treatment and death threats from parents, teachers and school board members, he occasionally allows smaller, less talented players to take the field.

and the Number 1 Sign Your High School Football Coach is Nuts...


"In my day, we used to play without helmets. And instead of a ball, we'd use a live pig... and Jethro would hold it down, while I would... No, wait, that wasn't football."

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 17 Things Heard at a Magic Convention



"Hey, good-lookin', how about a little mutual prestidigitation?"

"Now watch closely, my dear, as I say the magic word... Viagracadabra!"

"One time I actually *did* make a rabbit disappear into thin air -- but I was on crack at the time."

"Wait a minute... you mean there's a *book* named 'David Copperfield'? Why didn't somebody tell me years ago!?! Oh, man, do I feel dumb."

"One time, at band camp, I made a flute disappear."

"The first, second and third Mrs. Gingriches really swear by that eye of Newt thing!"

"He *must* be one of us. He made the entire dessert cart disappear."

"And the award for best escape artist award goes to... The Great Clintoni and his lovely assistant, Ms. Reno!"

"Will the owner of a green Lincoln Navigator please come to the information desk? Your vehicle has turned into a frog."

"Nothing up his sleeve. For that matter, there's nothing in his pants, either."

"Thanks, Governor, but we've seen your 'vanishing history of drug abuse' trick already."

"Who was that woman I sawed you with last night?"

"I told you to hire *Penn* for $100,000 to do the keynote speech, NOT Teller!"

"I'm here for the David Copperfield Supermodel Hypnosis seminar."

"The 'Magnificent' Mancini, my ass. Let me tell you, his hand ain't the ONLY thing quicker than the eye."

"Okay, Mandrake, that's $20 for straight-up, $30 for around the world, and an extra $50 if you wanna saw me in half."

and the Number 1 Thing Heard at a Magic Convention...


"For my next trick, I will make the pain, bitterness and humiliation of a failed career in show business disappear, using only this fifth of vodka."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Favorite Adult Films Of Wall Street Traders


10. "The Very Big Compensation Package"

9. "Barely Mature Bonds"

8. "The Devil In Dow Jones"

7. "Price/Earnings Ratios Calculated By Hot Sluts"

6. "Entering The Asian Market"

5. "Salomon Sisters"

4. "Bodacious Beauties Who Love Balding, Pudgy, Middle-Aged Desk Jockeys"

3. "Behind The Greenspan"

2. "Charles Schwab Does Dallas"

1. "Trump's Tower"

[lilhave]

Useless Facts

1. You can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun. If you don't, you can't see it.
2. The hammer throw is illegal as a high school sport in all states except Rhode Island.
3. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
4. It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breath- analyzer to read 0.
5. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
6. In Psycho, the color of Mrs. Bates' dress was periwinkle blue.
7. Until at least 1980 the country of Bhutan had no telephones.
8. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up but no channel 1.
9. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times
10. Prince Harry and Prince William are uncircumcised.
11. Dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates.
12. The ashes of the average cremated person weigh nine pounds.
13. Walt Disney named Mickey Mouse after Mickey Rooney, whose mother he dated for some time.
14. The word "robot" was created by Karel Capek. It came from Czech/Slovak "robotovat," which means to work very hard.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs It's Time to Retire From Boxing


10. Blows to the jaw often cause your entire head to fly off.

9. Your last match was promoted as "The Snooza in Tuscaloosa."

8. When you hear the bell, you shout, "Is it dinner time, mommy?"

7. Left hook is severely hampered by your I.V. drip.

6. Instead of "Let's get ready to rumble!" announcer says, "Let's watch the geezer get his ass kicked!"

5. Your main strategy: distract opponents with cute pictures of your grandchildren.

4. Recently broke your hip putting on boxing trunks.

3. Opponent's glove keeps getting caught in your rolls of fat.

2. Your idea of a one-two combo is Metamucil and a nap.

1. Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on your hearing aid.

Harvey

[lilhave]

A little old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I
wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs Your Judge Is On Drugs


10. In middle of trial points to defendant and says, "Dude, you are so guilty."

9. Shrieks that spiders are crawling all over the gavel.

8. When an undercover policeman testifies, judge yells "Narc!"

7. The bailiff: a bearded guy in a Santana t-shirt selling rope bracelets.

6. Perks up whenever someone uses phrase "joint custody."

5. Wants to replace closing arguments with "Laser Zeppelin."

4. Every time lawyer objects, judge replies, "Quit harshing my mellow!"

3. Instead of Bible, has witness swear on copy of "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas."

2. When bailiff says "Order in the court," judge shouts "I'll have Doritos, lots of Doritos!"

1. Always citing the landmark case of "Cheech V. Chong."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies


10. Bit-O-Squirrel

9. Poisonettes

8. Good n' Sweaty

7. Middlefinger

6. Della Reese's Pieces

5. Clam Duds

4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg

3. Gummy Marrow

2. Ken Starrburst

1. Osmond Joy

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Science Papers That Won't Be Winning A Nobel Prize


10. "Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection"

9. "E=MC3: That's Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!"

8. "Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?"

7. "Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car"

6. "Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino"

5. "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called 'Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'"

4. "There Sure Are A Lot of 'Smiths' In The Phone Book, Dude"

3. "The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won't Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum"

2. "Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks"

1. "Gravity: The Devil's Tool"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Your Strange Anatomy

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?


Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?


Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?


Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know - do you?


Harvey

[lilhave]

Toy Disclaimers
No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
Some dismemberment may occur.
Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank your parents for shelling out a great deal of money and waiting in line behind a smelly middle-aged man for two hours to get you this video game console – especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale – may result in bodily injury.
Do not stare at the product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Finally, The Guys' Side Of The Story

We always hear "the rules" from the female side... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
7. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football, basketball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
22. You have enough clothes.
23. You have too many shoes.
24. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Harvey

[lilhave]

If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you witha limo?

* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?

* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?

* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?

* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?

* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?

* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?

* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?

* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?

* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs You Chose A Bad Plastic Surgeon


10. You ask about his credentials, he shows you his fishing license

9. For an extra $89.95, he'll paint your car

8. He is a graduate of Johns Goodman University

7. You can now hear through your nose

6. Some doctors leave their watch inside a patient, he once left a clock/radio

5. You're mistaken for Kim Jong-Il more than you used to

4. Your appointment is busted up by a "Dateline" news crew

3. During your exam, he gets naked and draws dotted lines all over himself

2. Twice a month, flies to Mexico for "parts"

1. Sitting in the waiting room: Kenny Rogers

Harvey

[lilhave]

Signs Your Neighbor Is A Playboy Playmate
1. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
2. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
3. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
4. Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!"
You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."
5. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
6. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
7. There's always a traffic jam on your street when she's mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
8. You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even *has* any.
9. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."
10. After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle.
11. There are so many 16-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
12. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
13. Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you.
14. Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

How To Tell If Your Viagra Is Working:
1. At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
2. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.
3. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."
4. You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.
5. Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.
6. Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.
7. Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...
8. Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.
9. You always lose limbo contests.
10. Lewinsky wants *you* to be president someday.
11. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.
12. You like to sleep on your back, and had to remove the ceiling fan.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Signs You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor

1. Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology."
2. Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must divorce."
3. "I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis that small."
4. Her latest book: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards"
5. "Just shut up and screw" doesn't seem like very good advice.
6. After you've earned enough "session points", you get to choose either a Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun.
7. When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, "Prove it."
8. "Communication, schmunication - let's talk about 'backdoor love'..."
9. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now."
10. You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy" is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the English language.
11. Always takes Hillary's side.
12. In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session by hooking your genitals up to a car battery and tossing your wife the keys.
13. Agrees with husband that a request to "honk on Bobo" is foreplay enough.
14. "Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. You are a whining bitch."
15. Her last name has six hyphens.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Did Ya Hear About The Hillbilly Who….
Spent four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage.
Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery.
Looked in a lumber yard for a draft board.
Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game.
Put Iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay.
Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman.
Was feeling so low he got his face slapped.
Lost his girlfriend because he forgot where he laid her.
Thought asphalt was rectum trouble.
Called his girl "Tapioca" because she could be made in a minute.
Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
Wore a union suit because his wife was having labor pains.
Thought "No kidding " meant birth control.
Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed.
Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass.
Smelled good only on the right side. He didn't know where to by any Left Guard.
Bought his wife a washer and dryer for Christmas... It was a douche bag and a towel.
Studied five days for a urine test.
Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.
Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole and **** in his pants.
Thought a Mushroom was a place to neck.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Ineffective Daily Affirmations
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step, blaming my parents.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

No way will I accept YES for an answer !

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them

Harvey

[lilhave]

A Russian woman married an English gentleman, and they lived happily ever after in London. Although the lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken, and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.
Again, she didn't know how to say it so she clucked like a
chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this,
she brought her husband to the store.

(Please scroll down)






















What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to what you were doing..........

Harvey

[lilhave]

25 Signs You've Grown UP*

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sseexx in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling s-x jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your
stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh **** what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Philosophy One Liners

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
15. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
18. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
19. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
20. Procrastinate Now!
21. My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
22. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
23. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
24. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
25. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park somewhere else!
26. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
27. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
28. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
29. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
30. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The History of the Middle Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable
of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as
"plucking the yew"
(or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset
and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the
defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew"!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals
fricative "F", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

*And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Signs You Won't
Be the Next Teen Pop Star



Schoolgirls scream in your presence -- but only if you open up the raincoat.

The only talent you possess is that you can corn-row your own armpit hair.

You're going to have to figure out a way to execute those fly dance moves without your toupee turning sideways, homeboy.

You have no discernible talent whatsoever... No, wait, that's not it.

Your Big & Tall shop doesn't carry sequined, navel-baring bellbottoms.

You look even more like a girl than your three older brothers, Isaac, Taylor, and Zack.

Your current gig: The Bad, Smelly Accordion Player on Paris Metro #3.

Only endorsement deal your agent's been able to snag so far is for herpes medication.

Even with the tank tops and cargo pants, the kids' parents still recognize you as the Oak Ridge Boys.

You refused to sign the contract with Satan because he insisted you tone down your outfits a bit.

Your exposed midriff is less the result of halter tops and more the result of a summer spent Livin' la Vida Chalupa.

Those 4 years as spokesman for the Teen Bedwetters of America may come back to haunt you.

They abruptly ended the audition midway through your "playing 3 games of chess while blindfolded" trick.

The good news? You inherited your mom's ample bosom.
The bad news? You also got your dad's goatee.

and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Be the Next Teen Pop Star...


Your hateful parents insist on saving money for your college education instead of coughing up the scratch for some implants.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 16 Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies



"Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first and second cousin, your nephew..."

"We'll always have Wal-Mart."

"What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers in warm chicken fried steak with gravy."

"You had me at 'Sooooey!'"

"Houston, we have a 'possum."

"You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"

"I feel the need... the need for sheep."

"Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"

"Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her '68 Rambler into mine."

"I... see... Black people."

"Use the horse, Luke!"

"I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack Daniel's."

"Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good tractor pull, kid."

"I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or only five? Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"

"My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker -- you never know what you're gonna' get.'"

and the Number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie...


"You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 20 Signs You're Watching a Bad Horror Movie



It has more than three Wayans brothers in it.

That new green ketchup just doesn't make as realistic blood as its red variant.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 6 just isn't as scary with Leatherface wielding a Palm Pilot instead of a chainsaw.

Renting of Yellowstone Park for 3 days of filming: $30,000;
Sandwiches for the entire crew all three days: $1500;
15 minutes of simulated sex between the hot teenage stars to add to the collection: Priceless.

The movie is almost over and Pauly Shore is still alive.

The hockey mask on the murderer looks suspiciously like a tortilla with the mouth and eye holes chewed out.

"I see dumb people."

The guy with the large knife would be horrifying -- if he'd just get out of that damn sand trap and start chasing someone.

You find yourself wondering which hideously deformed mutant zombie will be voted out of the farmhouse.

You decide to sneak into the Pokeman movie next door so it won't be a total waste of nine dollars.

Raspy voice on the phone saying "Get OUT ... of the ... HOUSE!!" is the landlord carrying out an eviction.

Villain's Weapon of Choice: Melon Baller

Too much gratuitous gore -- and too much gratuitous Lieberman, for that matter.

Instead of spewing green slime everywhere and spinning her head around, the little "possessed girl" just makes a motorboat sound with her lips and rolls her eyes back and forth for a half hour.

Brad and Janet fix their flat with a can of Cheez Whiz, drive right by the haunted castle and spend the night at a Motel 6.

The main character executes his victims one by one -- then runs for President!

The only ill effect of the teleportation device malfunctioning is that the mad scientist's socks are now mismatched.

"Evil" Pikachu's goatee keeps falling off.

You're fairly sure Hitchcock never combined a shower, a naked woman, and a bottle of chocolate syrup in quite that way.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Watching a Bad Horror Movie...


Jason's mask is made from the all new botanical aromatherapy line of clay from Crabtree & Evelyn and includes pore-reducers and exfoliating crystals.

Harvey

[lilhave]

1. Why do they call it a TV "set "when you only have one?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Say About The Economy


10. "Hey - betcha I can swallow a roll of quarters!"

9. "We need to worry less about our economy and more about the financial state of the country."

8. "Buy low, say hi."

7. "If you've ever wanted to burn money, this is a good time to do it, because there's a lot of it."

6. "Wall Street? So is it a wall or a street?"

5. "I recommend you buy CBS stock."

4. "Don't blame me, I voted for Scott Baio."

3. "Dow Jones--didn't he sing 'What's New, Pussycat?'"

2. "A penny saved is a penny you can use to scratch lottery tickets."

1. "Money good."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Ways to Get Disqualified From the Miss America Pageant


10. When asked to talk about your home state you constantly have to look down at your sash

9. When you walk out and they sing, "There she is...the woman who looks like Jamie Farr"

8. Any sign of raw squirrel meat in your mouth

7. Asked to describe yourself in one word, you say, "bigot"

6. "My name is Monica and my talent is...well here, I'll show you"

5. Dinner with anyone in the world -- your choice: Phil Rizzuto

4. You test positive for intelligence

3. Your "talent" is eating a 64-ounce steak in 45 seconds

2. Halfway through, casually ask, "It's okay if I'm a man, right?"

1. Inform Mr. Trump that you're seeing someone

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Things That Average Americans Think 'NASDAQ' Is


10. The drug Mark McGwire uses to hit homeruns.

9. One of the sweathogs on "Welcome Back Kotter."

8. Merv Griffin's Peruvian houseboy.

7. I dunno, but it has something to do with how Jodie Foster got pregnant.

6. That country whose butt we kicked in the Gulf War.

5. God willing, it's some delicious new kind of fudge.

4. Something you bake in brownies and sell at Phish concerts.

3. Pakistan's version of the "Rat Pack."

2. A new Ben and Jerry's flavor made with nazberries and duck.

1. The North American Society of Daqs.

Harvey

[lilhave]

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

Harvey

[lilhave]

How To Tell If Your Viagra Is Working:
1. At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
2. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.
3. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."
4. You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.
5. Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.
6. Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.
7. Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...
8. Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.
9. You always lose limbo contests.
10. Lewinsky wants *you* to be president someday.
11. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.
12. You like to sleep on your back, and had to remove the ceiling fan.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Strange Things You Learn in College

But you don't learn these things in class


Quarters are like gold.

Flip-flops become as important as soap, and shampoo.

Asleep by 2:30 AM is an early night.

New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos.

Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

Duct tape heals all wounds.

Showers become less important.

Sleep becomes more important.

10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.

Going to the mailbox was never an ego-booster (or ego-breaker) before.

You begin to nap again.

The book your professor wrote is always required for his class.

E-mail becomes your second language.

Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.

You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.

Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.

Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

College girls are the same as high school girls - just with more freedom, and no curfew.

Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression, but it's not.

Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

Any game can be made into a drinking game.

Disney movies are more than just classics.

Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.

Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

ATMs are the devil's advocate.

Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

You almost forget how to drive.

You'll drink anything if it's free.

People still cheat; it's just more technologically advanced.

You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

Ordering food at 1 AM is a common occurrence.

You never realized how cool you can be.

TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

You realize how great your hell summer job was once you have to study.

Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temperatures, and roommates snoring.

You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.

You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties.

You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not.

Procrastination becomes an art.

Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.

The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.

Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

Amount of alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.

You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

Classes: the later the better.

The cute girls actually talk to you now.

Care packages make it all worthwhile.

The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.

Always wear your safety goggles. They're not kidding.

You don't learn last names.

Card games never lasted for hours before.

Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

Boys will dance in college.

People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

You are NEVER alone.

It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the Lucky Charms in the cafeteria are the real thing.

People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send some cookies.

You never realized how quiet your house was.

Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and / or mold in them.

You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

Your life will never be the same again.


Harvey

[lilhave]

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion.... Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
11. Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
14. And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Procrastinators Creed...
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or to find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is never exactly zero.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Your Car Might Be A Lemon If . . .
Your tinted windows are also known as garbage bags.
The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
You fill up the tank with premium coal.
You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 16 Disney Movies in Hell



"101 Damnations"

"20,000 Leagues Under the Earth"

"Fantasia" (absolutely no drugs allowed)

"The Unrescuables Down Under"

"Ishtarzan"

"Your Booty and the Beast"

"That Darn Caterwauling!"

"Where the Heck Are All the Dogs?"

"Herpes, the Love Bug"

"Nutty Blasphemer II: The Antichrists"

"The Absent-Minded Tax Preparer"

"Aladdin and the Unstoppable Eye-Gouging Machine"

"James and the Giant Leech"

"Runny the Pooh"

"Beauty and the Psycho Ex-Boyfriend With a Pair of Night-Vision Binoculars"

and the Number 1 Disney Movie in Hell...


"Buttholes and Broomsticks"

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 16 Signs You May Not
Be the Perfect Parent



"Okay, the baby will be ready in time for dinner! Now where's that chicken you wanted me to bathe?"

You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the upcoming "Survivor: Australia."

"Maybe you'd be more popular, son, if you were good at something."

You've earned "Platinum Preferred Guest" status on the Jerry Springer Show.

Not only is it unsafe to let little Jeremy drive at age 9, but the windows on the getaway car aren't even bullet-proof.

"Sex? Just turn on UPN, then let me know if you have any questions."

Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces with turpentine and sandpaper -- because that's the way *your* father did it.

You suspect your son may not be getting the Ayatollah's full recommended daily allowance of floggings.

All of Bobby's teenaged friends hang at your place -- because you roll the best.

"Okay, okay! You can stay up to watch South Park. Now be a good girl and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."

Your son's junior high classmates gather 'round at lunchtime to watch you breast feed him.

Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little Suzy how to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded revolver.

You keep confusing Similac with Sambuca.

Both the kids get pretty nervous at Thanksgiving when you ask for a moment of silence in honor of Nicole -- then reach for the carving knife.

"Damn, girl! There's pureed carrots in my coke spoon!"

and the Number 1 Sign You May Not Be the Perfect Parent...


"As a physician, Mrs. Spears, I must warn you: Pushing her up to a double-D cup might sell more records, but I'm not sure how much more stress that left one can handle."

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Problems With Your School's Uniforms



No matter what the principal claims, a fez just doesn't command much respect at the mall.

Five words: Paisley... paisley, paisley, paisley, paisley!!!

Mighty hard to impress other gangs while wearing a fuchsia cardigan.

Dark blue yarmulke to match blazer? Check.
Synagogue's golden crest on blazer chest pocket? Check.
"FUBU" embroidered across the back? Oy.

They somehow manage to make the "Hot Dog On A Stick" uniforms look downright dull.

The "100% Kevlar" label doesn't exactly fill you with confidence.

Having the school's initials monogrammed on your sweater isn't a bad idea... anywhere *except* Phelps Middle School.

Tasteful, subdued plaid that was so popular with the parents at St. Brigid's turns out to duplicate the gang colors of the much-feared "Altarboyz" from rival Sisters of Mercy High.

No matter *what* follows, if "crotchless" is the first word, then there's a problem.

Sure, SAT scores have been down the last few years, but "I'm With Stupid" T-shirts aren't exactly motivation to do better.

The chastity belt is *way* too heavy.

It's not the uniform itself that's weird, but the fact that Penthouse wants your high school senior daughter to keep it on for the pictorial.

Tighter waistband leaves no place in which to stuff your Glock.

Talk about retro -- your Kansas high school opted for the pre-Galileo look.

and the Number 1 Problem With Your School's Uniforms...


Rather than just buying the thing, you first have to get hired by UPS.

Harvey

[Lamont]

i was gonna reply to this yesterday
BUT i put it off til today

[lilhave]

i was gonna reply to this yesterday
BUT i put it off til today

I'll give you my response tomorrow.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Signs Your High School
Reunion Didn't Go Well




The cheerleaders' daughters ignored you, but you got wedgies from the jocks' sons.

Although you just wanted some closure, you should've thought twice before telling old Mr. Storrs' widow that dropping those books behind his back was all meant in good fun.

Shades of '81! Your new wife went home with the varsity quarterback.

Reunions for homeschooled pupils are pretty low-key -- and especially for you, since you still live with your parents anyway.

Your biggest accomplishment? Editing an internet humor list.

Your former classmates recognize your wife as Doris, the cafeteria lady.

Your Internet millions mean nothing to your old classmates at Amish High.

You'd think that after twenty years, they'd have forgotten about that little act of self-love you performed in the locker room shower.

You only had a chance to greet half the class before running out of ammo.

Turns out that ol' Salmolinda Hayachek, the dumpy chick you stood up on prom night, began her acting career by shortening her name to Salma Hayek.

Your practical joke backfired when everyone in the class of '58 appreciated your Ex-Lax brownies.

Although your high school fantasy involved girl-on-girl action, reality hit home when you caught your drunk octogenarian wife behind the dumpster with a drunk octogenarian cheerleader.

Some "golden opportunity" -- 4 1/2 hours and not ONE Amway sale.

Everyone else went home with a commemorative program and pictures of their classmates. You went home with a court order and pictures of children you never knew you had.

and the Number 1 Sign Your High School Reunion Didn't Go Well...


While slow dancing, your beloved homecoming queen gently whispers in your ear, "Two hundred for a straight-up, four hundred for around-the-world -- and no kissing."

[lilhave]

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a ***** willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Yikes! ...How many of these can YOU stand?


1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

16. He often broke in to song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[lilhave]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they
only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when
an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,
how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to
cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.

She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We
should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a brunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the sake of her own
life, couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no
less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys
had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from
the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton ,
Mississippi!
______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us . and they REPRODUCE!

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Indications You're
Watching a Bad Broadway Play



To save on costume expenses, this production of "Cats" just uses a naked Ed Asner and Robin Williams.

The rubber suit muffles the singing and makes Godzilla's dance steps seem clumsy.

Earplug-wearing beer and hot dog venders are working the crowd.

The show-stopping "helicopter" that swings down over the audience looks suspiciously like a rusted-out El Camino.

The playbill's summary: "In his Broadway debut, Tom Green sings the part of a happy-go-lucky proctologist coming to grips with a sudden, debilitating bout of colon-phobia."

It's called "Puffy Get Your Gun."

"As Ms. Waddington-Smithers is ill, we'll need a volunteer from the audience to perform the role of Blanche DuBois."

After you get kicked in the head a third time, you begin to think that "Stomp II: Now With Audience Participation!" was a bad idea.

Three suicides and a murder in the first act alone -- in the audience!

You don't remember "Fiddler On The Roof" having a long scene in which Tevya loudly berates his agent on his cell phone.

When the "falling chandelier" stops inches above the audience, the people underneath it start to boo.

"Starring John Rocker as Porgy."

New York Times critic behind you asks if you know any synonyms for "sucks" because he's run out.

The "organ" that the Phantom is playing is, er, *not* a musical instrument.

and the Number 1 Indication You're Watching a Bad Broadway Play...


Disturbing 5-minute pause in the middle of "Memories" as the singing cat coughs up a hairball.

Harvey

[lilhave]

BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Signs You Picked the Wrong Moving Company
(Part I)



Insists that your panties would be much safer with him in the cab of the truck.

Great price? Check.
Friendly? Check.
Careful with the China? Check.
Asked for your new address? Uh, oh.

Most of your belongings arrive successfully in Los Angeles. Your collection of private home videos made with the wife shows up several weeks later -- on the internet.

Mime Movers is a great concept, but those invisible boxes don't seem to work very well.

The first load they took was your entertainment center, home computer, and jewelry. That was two weeks ago.

While emove.com's stock might have doubled in value since it went public, mentioning a moving van causes some confusion.

The phone number on their business card connects you to the Crime Stoppers hotline.

They don't use peanuts to pack your fine crystal -- they use peanut butter.

Nothing gets broken during the loading and unloading, but you see more crack than a DEA agent.

They assure you that your stuff will get from NY to LA before you do -- assuming there's not much traffic in the Panama Canal.

Upon arrival at your new home, you notice that the driver's new uniform looks an awful lot like your wife's old wedding dress.

They offer a "Bordello rate" if you allow them to make use of your bed during transport.

The "moving company" consists of your mother and a homemade raft.

After you call Big Top Movers, a Volkswagen Beetle shows up and 13 clowns reeking of elephant dung climb out.

and the Number 1 Sign You Picked the Wrong Moving Company...


When you ask them to be careful with your antique stools, they assure you that they work gently overnight.

Harvey

[lilhave]

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the
support of Paul. Of course, Paul's support is obvious, but it is
equally obvious that to rob from Peter to pay Paul will make Peter
very, very angry. My question is this: "How can you run a good
government with a sore Peter? "

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 13 X-Rated Movies About Sports



Debbie Does Dallas -- *and* Denver

Hoosiers Daddy

White Men Can't Hump

Nookie of the Year

The Au Naturale

Brian's Dong

The Dick Butkis Story

North Phallus Forty

The Endless Hummer

Bride of the Yankees

He Got Gamete

Stroke Her, Ace!

and the Number 1 X-Rated Movie About Sports...


Caddyshag

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 14 Reasons You're the Least
Popular Survivor on Your Desert Island



Your Mr. T impression gets old after the first five minutes.

The women aren't buying your repeated assertions that semen protects them against snakebites.

You always ask your island mates, "Does this palm frond make my ass look big?"

You use your gourmet cooking skills to make dog food stuffed rat garnished with grubs and maggots -- and nobody likes a show-off.

Somebody keeps hocking loogies in your grubworm casserole.

The coconut shell bra has its place -- but that place is not on the body of a 6'4", 300-lb. programmer named Max.

You chopped down the island's only citrus tree to make room for your putt-putt golf course.

You insist on being called "Ginger" -- even though your name is Tim.

Not only are you over the age limit dictated by viewer demographics, everyone is really getting annoyed at you for using your Swiss Army dentures to crack open coconuts, cut down trees, and gut fish.

Your irritating catch phrase: "Well excuse ME, Robinson Crusoe."

Your habit of overdoing it with the paprika is ruining the subtle taste of cooked rat.

You invented a coconut phone -- only to spend hours placing telemarketing calls to the other survivors.

Your "coconut cream pie" specialty is nothing more than whipped seagull poop.

and the Number 1 Reason You're the Least Popular Survivor on Your Desert Island...


Your favorite campfire song just happens to be "It's a Small World."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Wayne had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed,
he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really
passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making
love? " "That's something I've never done before, " she replied.
"Never made love? You mean you're a virgin? " Wayne was amazed. "No,
silly! " she giggled. "Never objected! "

Harvey

[lilhave]

STRANGE MISPHRASED SCIENCE EXAM ANSWERS

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Harvey

[lilhave]

The Top 15 Signs You Picked the Wrong Moving Company
(Part II)



Insists that Swiss cheese, not Styrofoam, makes the best packing material, and proceeds to wrap china in individual slices.

Before moving the furniture, they remove all the drawers -- *their* drawers.

As advertised, Big 'Uns Movers showed up in thongs and had large breasts -- you just didn't expect 250-lb. men with Lynyrd Skynyrd tattoos on their asses.

Their slogan: "100% satisfaction or your silverware back!"

Attention to detail is a good thing, but the guys at Anal Retentive Moving Co. insist on un-packing, inspecting and then re-packing every box.

They keep flicking ashes in Grandma's urn.

The guys from One Glove Movers show up wearing surgical masks and proceed to carry each item in one gloved hand while they hold their crotches and moonwalk to the truck.

The first question they ask: "Paper or plastic?"

"Starving Students" were booked solid, and "Thirsty Fratboys" didn't seem like such a bad idea at the time.

Bus Fare from Sing Sing Prison: $5.75
Used moving van: $500
Watching a dot.com millionaire smile as you to cart off all his valuables: priceless.

Driver tells you, "She'll make point five past light speed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

An hour after the truck pulls away, all your stuff is listed on eBay.

You realize they've been a little too thorough when your nightstand is listed on the inventory as "porno stand."

Reassembling your king-sized bed resulted in lopsided twin beds and a chin-up bar.

and the Number 1 Sign You Picked the Wrong Moving Company...


The box marked "TV" is barking.

Harvey

[lilhave]

More One-liners worth passing on...

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Harvey

[lilhave]

As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to
eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the
bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Insults !
"I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?"
"I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!"
"I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you."
"I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
"I'd slap you senseless...but I can't spare three seconds!"
"I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo."
"If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!"
"If I wanted some "come-back," I would wipe it off your lip."
"If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart."
"If idiots could fly, this would be an airport."
"If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head."
"If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable."
"If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool."
"I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying."
"If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid."
"I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!"
"Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested."
"Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!"
"Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself."
"Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper! "
"Last time I saw you, you had lost some weight, looks like you found it."
"You are so stupid, you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom of the heel."
"If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his ass and walk him backwards."
"The best part of you ran down your own man's leg."
"Nice face...want a gun?"
"You're so dull, if you were a Spice Girl, you'd be Amish Spice!"
(Say to loser guy that won't leave you alone) "I'm sorry, I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
"I would have been your dad, but the guy in front of my had correct change."
"I would have been your dad, but the dog beat me up the stairs."
"All of your ancestors must number in the thousands; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you."
"Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?"
"Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up."
"Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner."
"Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?"
"Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?"
"Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?"
"Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words."
"Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!"
"Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?"
"I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?"
"Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?"
"Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down."
"Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner."
"Excellent time to become a missing person."
"Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat."
"He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory."
"He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome."
"He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost."
"He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry."
"Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?"
"I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!"
"I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat."
"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!"
"I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?"
"I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside."
"I hear what you're saying but I just don't care."
"I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!"
"I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla."

Harvey

[lilhave]

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A ****.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Rhetorical Wisdom

What if life is a joke and we don't get it?

Why is nothing as easy as it looks?

Why is it that the most important things in life aren't things?

Why does something always happen ?

Why is 'if' the middle word in life?

Why is what you don't do is always more important than what you do do?

Why is nothing as good as it was before?

Why is it that almost anything is easier to get into than out of?

Why is Living the Good Life and Living a Good Life not the same thing?

Do you have 'a life' if you like what you're doing? Or does everyone else have to like what you're doing too?

Why is it that luck usually seems to favor the people who don't need it?

Isn't depression is merely anger without enthusiasm?

The early bird gets the worm, but doesn't the second mouse gets the cheese?

Remember, if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

The fool doth think himself wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.

Its better to keep one's mouth shut and appear stupid than open in and remove all doubts.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The mark of an educated mind is to be able to entertain a thought without having to accept it.

Honesty is often the best policy, but insanity is usually a better defense.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Think negative, and you've already failed.

Success in life is a long, hard climb.

Life without a mission is a tremendous ommission.

Blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter.

Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.

It is true that the heart seldom feels what the mouth expresses.

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, all is lost.

Opinions that are well rooted should grow and change like a healthy tree.

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

If everyone is a unique individual isn't it not unique to be an individual?

Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

If something was worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

Isn't the hardest thing in life knowing which bridges to cross and which to burn?

Aren't the only losers in life, the ones who never tried in the beginning?

Is it possible that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others?

Don't you think that life is like a roll of toilet paper? After all, the closer it gets to the end, the more you appreciate it.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, who is the fool that said 'quit while you are ahead'?

Why is it that whenever you let the cat out of the bag you usually wind up in the dog house?

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect why practice?

How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?

Why can't we put all our eggs into one basket? Isn't this just being more efficient?

If too many cooks spoil the soup then why are two heads better than one?

If the pen is mightier than the sword then how can actions speak louder than words?

If two wrongs don't make a right why is it that two negatives make a positive?

Have you ever stopped to think and forget to start again?

If you think your indecisive how can you be sure?

Is a conclusion simply the place where you got tired of thinking?

Why do people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices?

What would happen if you had two half baked ideas at the same time?

If great minds really think alike then what makes them so great?

Would you have to think twice before giving something a second thought?

Why is it that when you are trying to think of something you can't but when you don't want to think of something you can't get it out of your mind?

Why is it that the harder you try to think the more difficult it is?

Before Columbus' discovery, wasn't it common sense that led people to believe the world was flat?

And didn't they believe this, despite the Bible in Isaiah 40-22 stating that the Earth is a sphere?

Harvey

[lilhave]

New Miracle Diet!

Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?

Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer. Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.

FINAL DAY Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.


Harvey

[lilhave]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like! What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $
3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex? A. "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Questions to Ponder

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

Can someone be a closet claustrophobic?

Would a part-time bandleader be considered a semi-conductor?

Can someone be a closet claustrophobic?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

If you ate pasta and antipasta at the same time, would you still be hungry?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why do most countries have only one Monopolies Commission?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made from?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed Up?

Why are wrong numbers never busy?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If it only takes one dollar a day to feed a child in Africa, why does it take two dollars a day to lose weight with Jenny Craig?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Are there cemetery workers that don’t work the graveyard shift?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

Is there another word for "synonym"?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

What could porn actors possibly do for fun during their time off?

Why do skydivers wear helmets?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

Why do skydivers wear helmets?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?

Can you imagine a world without hypothetical situations?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "Fours"?

Why is it called "after dark," when it is really "after light"?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic"?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why do "tugboats" push?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we’re already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can an ambidextrous person make an off-handed remark?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Could it be that boulders are statues of big rocks?

Do bleached blondes pretend to have more fun?

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just seem longer?

Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines?

Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How would you throw away a garbage can?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him—is he still wrong?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If vampires can’t see their own reflections, how is it that their hair is always so neat?

If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is animal shampoo tested on humans?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Should a mute be yelled at for talking with their hands full?

Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What happens if you get scared ½ to death twice?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why do we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

What's the speed of dark?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Harvey

[lilhave]

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.

"None survived the branding."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Seen on T-Shirts
God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal Arts Major...Will Think for Food
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
In Dog Years, I'm Dead
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

Harvey

[Lamont]

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?


:racist:

[lilhave]

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Ten Signs The Figure Skating Judges are Not Going To Give You a Perfect 6.0


10. Judges can't tell the difference between you and the Zamboni.

9. Your coach keeps screaming, "Let go of the railing!"

8. The only thing that's 0 is your blood alcohol level.

7. You lutz yourself over the boards and into a hot dog vendor.

6. During a spin, your skate flies off and embeds itself in the Russian judge's head.

5. Your costume looks an awful lot like your Denny's uniform.

4. You perform your long program to the theme from "The Dukes of Hazzard."

3. You cut your routine short because you have to return your rental skates.

2. Every time you skate past the judges, you give them the finger.

1. You put the "cow" in "salchow."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Dearn Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Harvey

[lilhave]

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955...

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me ?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!



7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." oh no!


IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmmmm... have I sent this to you before??

Harvey

[lilhave]

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of
marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes
into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years
they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk,
embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman
shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what
your wife needs, at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and
Wednesday, but on Friday I'm fishing."




Harvey

[lilhave]

You might be addicted to caffeine if. . .
Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.
You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
You can't remember the last time you blinked.
The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
Your dog's name is Folgers.
You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
You dip your own espresso beans.

Harvey

[Lamont]

and how has your wife put up with you all these years????? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[lilhave]

and how has your wife put up with you all these years????? :lol: :lol: :lol:

As a child her only dream was to marry a sex symbol, a Clark Gable, Tyrone Power type. God was good to her, as some nights we don't have time for dinner.

What I'm afraid of is that instead of disks being mailed to me , some women might be mailing me dups of their house keys with mapquest directions to their homes.

It just ain't easy anymore.

Lover boy Harv

[Dr. Thong]

Or...

you're offered a bargain price on a delicious coffee drink, but insist on overpaying for it.

[Lex Luthor]

There are also many people who have this virus but can not come to grips with admitting it. This is usually becausing of a secondary virus called the

D Nile virus

[lilhave]

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?



As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Harvey

[lilhave]

We pick on everyone!

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================

Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. =========================

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!" ========================

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- "He fell". ========================

Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================

Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================

Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ========================

Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================

Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?
A: Nothing... yet. ========================

Harvey

[lilhave]

ARIES
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.

GEMINI
You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.

CANCER
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

VIRGO
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. The majority of you Libras have a venereal disease.

SCORPIO
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle or success because of your total lack of ethics. You have a weakness for pasta and adultery. Most Scorpio people end up murdered.

SAGITTARIUS
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or druggies. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as a dog might mistake you for a fire hydrant.

AQUARIUS
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES
You have a vivid imagination, and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

Harvey

[lilhave]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their intimate relationship:

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Harvey

[Lamont]

BILL= HARVEY???

(only the names have been changed to protect the Pickle-Less!)
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[lilhave]

Things that make me cringe!:


1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.


2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.


3. The Norwich Life commercial where the old bastard answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?


4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F**k off! What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?


5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?


6. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?


7. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $
7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the f**kin ceiling up there! What did you come here for?


8. BIG hair


9. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,... did ya there buddy?


10. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.


11. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know *******, you f**king pulled me over!

Harvey

[lilhave]

At a French airport... A group of American retired
teachers recently went to France on a tour. Robert
Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the
tour group.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his
passport in his carry-on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting
admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't
have to show it."

"Impossible!" barked the officer. "Americans always
have to show your passports on arrival in France."

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard
look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha
Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to!

Harvey

[lilhave]

Top Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Strange 'Puns'

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Harvey

[lilhave]

Sarcastic Out of Office e-mail Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on April 4th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system...You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.


AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

Harvey

[lilhave]

After I survived a very serious illness, I went to see my doctor for a follow-up appointment.

As his nurse was taking my vital signs and checking my height and weight, I discovered that I was only 5'8" instead of my former 5'10".

When the doctor entered the exam room, I reported with alarm, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Harvey

[lilhave]

Update Your Online Dictionary

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
2. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
3. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
4. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
5. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
6. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
7. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
8. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
9. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
10. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
11. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
12. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
13. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
14. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
15. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.
16. Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
17. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."
18. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
19. Father : A banker provided by nature.
20. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
21. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
22. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
23. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Harvey