LILHAVE LAUGHTER ARCHIVE [Archive] - Page 2 - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

lilhave

05-02-2006, 05:48 AM

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Contents may have settled out of court.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?

I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Can a blind person feel blue?

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?

I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

We are all prawns in the game of life.

Harvey

lilhave

05-02-2006, 05:50 AM

You're Truly a Texan When...
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You can eat hot peppers to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.
You can actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 AM before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Harvey

loren

05-02-2006, 10:04 AM

you forgot the most important fact in texas

the true method to tell where yankees are from

so ill add it

where does a texan claim that yankees are from

answer---anywhere north of his house

Lamont

05-02-2006, 10:16 AM

i lived in san antonio for 2 years while in the army
and they thought my backwoods self was a yankee!

lilhave

05-03-2006, 05:21 AM

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the Election

10. Your campaign manager keeps mispronouncing your name

9. On outside of letter you get from Publisher's Clearinghouse: "You may already be a loser!"

8. Campaign rally chants of "Four more years!" refer to your prison sentence

7. Your "motorcade" is down to a rental car and a fat kid on a bike.

6. All the TV ad time you bought was on CBS prime time

5. Next to your name on the ballot it says, "Yeah, right."

4. You rise to offer a rebuttal during a televised debate, and the moderator says: "Save your shoe leather, junior! We're all voting for the other guy!"

3. Gennifer Flowers won't return your calls

2. During debate, your opponent says, "I knew Forrest Gump, I worked with Forrest Gump, and you're no Forrest Gump."

1. Even you voted for the other guy

Harvey

lilhave

05-03-2006, 05:24 AM

Never eat at a place called Mom's.

Never play cards with a man named Doc.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired.

Never argue with a woman when she's rested.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!

Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.

Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.

Never say "Oops" in an operating room.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

Never eat prunes when you're hungry.

Never say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "I just sold the last one the other day."

Never use one word when twelve will suffice.

Never be the first to do anything.

Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.

Harvey

lilhave

05-04-2006, 05:43 AM

your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.
your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata.
you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.
your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson.
your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir.
your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog.
your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

Harvey

lilhave

05-04-2006, 05:44 AM

you call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw. (
you look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
the smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.
you turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled. it takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish.
your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk.
the microwave display reads "TILT!" (
you open your dishwasher after living in your house for two years and the plastic is still in it.
when you BBQ the kids won't come outside, instead they stand inside the screen door watching you.
...three of them hold water guns and the 4th has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
the last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.
your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. you make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.
you can use your overcooked food as a weapon.
your food melts plastic and silverware. the dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
all your baked goods have the names "asphalt" or "Hockey puck." you've ever cooked a broccoli casserole and forgot to add the broccoli. if you cook the leftover cut-outs of a jack-o-lantern.
there are bones in your toast.
all you cook seems to be left overs.the judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett's biscuits over yours. the leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren. those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies. you used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan! you've ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking. you forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat wave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
you refer to flour moth larvae as 'a little extra free protein.' anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock pot nine days old tastes like. you tell them that the gray fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.' if you avoid the hassle of having to ever reason your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for 'flavor.' you hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
there's no such thing as an unusable leftover.
you know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.you really have messed up a salad.
the family pets are no where to be found during dinner
around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.
you have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.

Harvey

lilhave

05-04-2006, 03:01 PM

Somtimes I wonder about the intelligence of this group, so I'm offering a test that was used at John Hopkins University to test the aptitude of the students.

See how you do.

Three young women have all been working eighty-hour weeks for six
years in the struggle to make partner at the prestigious law firm,
and the cutoff date is fast approaching. Each one is brainy,
talented, and ambitious, but there's only room for one new partner.
At a loss as to which one to pick, the senior officer finally devises
a little test. One day, while all three are out to lunch, he places
an envelope containing five hundred dollars on each of their desks.
The first woman returns the envelope to him immediately. The second
woman invests the money in the market and returns fifteen hundred
dollars to him the next morning. The third woman pockets the cash. So
which one gets the promotion?

Scroll down for the answer

The one with the big boobs

Harvey

T-Greg

05-04-2006, 03:41 PM

Here's a quiz for everyone who thinks he/she is a know-it-all....

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is
genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and
they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the letter "S."

If you are dying to know the answers, send $25.00 via paypal to me :lol: ...never mind....

Answers are below

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends .boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons . . asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and
are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the
entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at
the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation
point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh . . lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . . .
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.

jasimon1

05-04-2006, 04:03 PM

I'll admit, I got this one wrong:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before looking down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

T-Greg

05-04-2006, 04:22 PM

I'll admit, I got this one wrong:

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

That one stumped me too, but my first inclination was to ask "why does a blind man need sunglasses"?

T-Greg

05-04-2006, 04:27 PM

Try this test....

http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm

jasimon1

05-04-2006, 04:34 PM

That is really good

y2k3Joker

05-04-2006, 04:51 PM

Try this test....

http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm

You GOT a score of 10 out of 11
You rating: Wow! Come to work for us!

Pill question got me !

y2k3Joker

05-04-2006, 06:11 PM

http://www.angelfire.com/fl3/existence/wonderlic.html

Here's a sample of the famous Wonderlic Exam. See how you do on this.

Lex Luthor

05-04-2006, 06:21 PM

Try this test....

http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm

Damn I got 10! Stupid Moses!

loren

05-04-2006, 06:21 PM

http://www.angelfire.com/fl3/existence/wonderlic.html

Here's a sample of the famous Wonderlic Exam. See how you do on this.

i took a wonderlick, for a actual job about 10 years ago

its far different than doing it online

theres no warning

theres no figureing paper

theres no count down timer

20 minutes and you havent an idea how much is left

you cant skip questions

there are 50 total on the one i took

proctor said no one has ever gotten all 50 answerd in the 20 minutes

since its scored on how many you do,and the % of correct

so it doesnt pay to guess

i got 38 for a score

and no i didnt get the job

something about attitude etc etc............

vince young got either a 6 or a 9, and hes a millionaire now

lilhave

05-05-2006, 05:30 AM

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Nobel Prize

10. You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City.

9. You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck.

8. Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- putting a sleeping friend's hand in warm water

7. Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have anything sharp to write them down.

6. You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup.

5. For the past 10 years, your left thumb has been stuck in a test tube.

4. Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins is Pointy!"

3. Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer.

2. You're known around the University as "Professor Gump."

1. Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name ain't Ghali.

Harvey

lilhave

05-05-2006, 05:31 AM

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Airport

10. The luggage carousel is first-come, first-serve.

9. Technician asks if he can borrow your cup of coffee to "de-ice" a 747.

8. Runway littered with stripped chevys.

7. Gift shop selling items from your just-checked luggage.

6. Nacho cheese at the snack bar doubles as jet fuel.

5. The "Arrivals and Departures" monitor is pay-per-view.

4. Guard at metal detector asks you to turn your head and cough.

3. Some little beer-loving dweeb takes Dr. Galazkiewicz's limo.

2. You see someone pre-boarding a flight attendant.

1. Passengers have the right to fly topless.

Harvey

lilhave

05-05-2006, 05:34 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts

10. Instead of a whistle, uses a tuba

9. Can't say the word "buoy" without laughing hysterically

8. You see him stuffing his trunks with jellyfish

7. Sits with back to the ocean

6. Just married a C.P.R. dummy

5. The gold crown and the flowing velvet cape

4. Sees a guy drowning and says, "sorry, pal -- I just ate lunch, so I've got to wait half an hour."

3. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- chlorine

2. She keeps breaking into David Hasselhoff's house.

1. He's wearing nothing but a whistle.

Harvey

lilhave

05-06-2006, 05:36 AM

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when
in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top
of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the sh#t out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples and fine wines you know.

Harvey

lilhave

05-06-2006, 05:39 AM

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Guy to Put in Your Swimming Pool

10. Shallow end: 3 feet -- Deep end: 600 feet

9. Wears inflatable pool toy around his waist at all times

8. Ever since the concrete was poured you haven't seen your cat.

7. Asks "Do you mind if I work naked?"

6. Claims he used to be a congressman and demands to be paid in stamps.

5. You ask for a kidney-shaped pool and wake up without a kidney

4. Fills the pool by drinking a case of beer and letting "nature do her thing"

3. Instead of working, spends day boasting about how he used to be married to Roseanne

2. Only two choices for the shape of the pool: Siskel or Ebert

1. Keeps drinking the chlorine

Harvey

lilhave

05-06-2006, 05:41 AM

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Graduate

10. Cafeteria workers ask, "Anything particular you'd like to eat next semester?"

9. In essay on Civil War you wrote about Tom and Roseanne break-up

8. When you raise your hand in class, the teacher says, "Save it for next year."

7. Instead of cap and gown, you're issued a McDonald's uniform.

6. Your name is Ed Johnson, you're sitting in our audience, and you failed your organic chemistry final.

5. You're a student at Clown College, and Professor Bozo confiscates your big red shoes.

4. While I'm reading this list, you've already nodded your head at least three times.

3. You're spending too much time with your boyfriend Woody Allen.

2. Your essays are filled with words you've heard Madonna use.

1. You've been in the 8th grade since 1999.

Harvey

lilhave

05-07-2006, 01:14 AM

A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?" the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."

When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.

Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Leif Ericsson went off on his voyage, and a year later, his wife noticed that his name wasn't on the village register anymore. She went to the village elders and said, you must have taken Leif off your census.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

There was a fire at a Basque restaurant, but there was only one way out of the restaurant. Many people were injured in the stampede. The moral of this story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

The dentist tells the patient that his upper plate needs to be made of chrome because of the patient's penchant for Hollandaise sauce (which has a lot of lemon juice in it, and is corrosive to most dental appliances). Why chrome? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.

Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".

I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!

Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"

Harvey

lilhave

05-07-2006, 01:16 AM

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Long Distance Company

10. All calls are $2 for the first minute, $94 each additional minute

9. Operator makes you describe what you're wearing

8. Their so-called "dial tone" is just a guy with a kazoo

7. You can only place long distance calls during an electrical storm

6. They bill you for calls made by some guy named Pepe, and when you complain they say, "whatsa problem, man, you no like Pepe?"

5. Whenever you call their office, you hear gunfire

4. For some reason, your phone doesn't work unless you're wearing 3-D glasses

3. Everyone you talk to sounds like the guy at the drive-thru window at McDonald's

2. No matter what number you dial, you always get Richard Simmons

1. Their slogan is: "Reach out and touch yourself

Harvey

lilhave

05-07-2006, 01:19 AM

Difference Between Fishing And Sex

1. No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.
2. A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
3. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
4. It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
5. The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
6. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
7. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
8. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
9. When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
10. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
11. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
12. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
13. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
14. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.
15. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
16. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
17. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
18. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
19. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
20. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

Harvey

jie3

05-07-2006, 01:30 AM

When fishing, having a little maggot is a good thing.:eek:

:lol:

Lamont

05-07-2006, 08:42 AM

harvey has 3 joke posts on this page all 3 in a row

the one with SEX in the title has like 3 times as many viewings??

dirty minded traders! :lol: :crazy:

lilhave

05-07-2006, 10:29 AM

harvey has 3 joke posts on this page all 3 in a row

the one with SEX in the title has like 3 times as many viewings??

dirty minded traders! :lol: :crazy:

Are you saying we have a lot of sex starved folks on the trading board? If so I'm trading the wrong stuff.

Harvey, slightly bewildered.

savageamusement

05-07-2006, 06:41 PM

I got 9 out of 11
which means im an honor student, but I disagree with the pill question
And the baseball inning question, sheesh -

lilhave

05-08-2006, 06:02 AM

Catholic Elementary School Test

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Harvey

lilhave

05-08-2006, 06:04 AM

You Know You Live in a Small Town When...

Third Street is on the edge of town.
You don't use your turn signals because everyone knows where you are going.
A baby born on June 14 receives gifts from local merchants as the first baby of the year.
You speak to each dog you pass by name and he wags his tail at you.
You drive into the ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back before you do.
You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
You can't walk for exercise because every car that passes you offers you a ride.
You miss a Sunday at church and receive a get-well card.
Someone asks you how you feel and listens to what you say.

Harvey

lilhave

05-08-2006, 06:06 AM

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant

10. Asks you how many monies you made this year

9. The calculator he's been adding numbers on is actually a TV remote control.

8. What he calls "tax forms," most people call "paper hats."

7. Accompanies you to your audit wearing a giant bunny suit

6. Takes you aside and whispers, "Between you, me and the lamppost -- a nine's more or less the same thing as a six, right?"

5. When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?"

4. You recognize him as the guy who played 'Horshack' on "Welcome Back, Kotter."

3. Repeatedly grabs himself and says, "Deduct this, am I right?"!

2. Tells you that strangers living in your house can be declared as dependents

1. His only other client: Willie Nelson

Harvey

mhadley

05-08-2006, 07:57 AM

When the 1 eating establishment in town closes at noon so the waitress can go home and eat....

lilhave

05-09-2006, 05:30 AM

Top Ten Signs the Guys Who Robbed Tiffany's Had Never Robbed Before

10. When the alarm went off, they thought they'd won something.

9. After stealing jewelry, made appointment to have it engraved

8. Spent 20 minutes trying to hail a "getaway car"

7. Set up a table on the sidewalk that said, "Tiffany's factory outlet store"

6. Tried on each piece of jewelry before deciding whether or not to take it

5. Gave names and addresses to clerk so they could be put on mailing list

4. Went to McDonald's, paid for small fries with diamond bracelet and asked for $20,000 change

3. Took the security tapes, but then sent them off to "America's Funniest Home Videos"

2. Kept yelling "Where's Batman?"

1. Wore ski masks and skis

Harvey

lilhave

05-09-2006, 05:33 AM

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the
son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you
should take one. They're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the
money in the morning."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to
Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The extra hundred is from Grandma."

Harvey

lilhave

05-09-2006, 05:34 AM

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Department Store Santa

10. He wears the Santa costume all year round.

9. Tells salesgirls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding."

8. After every toy request says "Yeah, right."

7. Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs.

6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute; $2.95, each additional minute

5. Every day around 10:00 AM, throws up on the down escalator

4. Keeps sending elves out for more vermouth

3. Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crewcut

2. Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush

1. He's packin' heat.

Harvey

Lamont

05-09-2006, 06:02 PM

harvey?

are u the Grandpa in that story?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Mister Ed

05-09-2006, 07:23 PM

:lol: That was a funny story. Especially the ending. :lol:

lilhave

05-10-2006, 04:57 AM

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Shovel Your Driveway

10. Doesn't seem sure which end of the shovel to use

9. He's over 80 and has a medic alert bracelet.

8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves

7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum

6. Midway through the job, he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing cabs.

5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees.

4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys 'R' Us

3. He's too busy disrupting dad's inauguration speech to finish.

2. You get a half-hearted recommendation form his wife, Hillary Clinton

1. Doesn't finish till mid-July

Harvey

lilhave

05-10-2006, 05:00 AM

Top Ten Signs your Neighbor is a Spy

10. Begins every conversation by sayin, "Hey, you know any secrets?"

9. Bumper sticker on car fender reads: "I'd rather be spyin'"

8. After one too many drinks, asks "Want to see your FBI file?"

7. Every Halloween, gives your kids plutonium

6. He's been driving around for the last 6 months with the body of Lenin in the trunk of his Buick

5. You tell him you work for the government and the next thing you know you wake up nude in Switzerland

4. You catch him going through your garbage in a raccoon suit

3. You mention you're having problems in the bedroom, and he says, "Yeah, I know"

2. Your spot Yeltsin doing cannonballs in his pool

1. He tries to plant a bug in your pants

Harvey

lilhave

05-10-2006, 05:02 AM

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

(from the June 1980 NBC finale)
Peter Marshall: Way back in 1256, a philosopher and monk named Roger Bacon took 41.2 percent salt peter, and 29.4 each of sulfur and carbon, and came up with the modern version of something...what?
Rose Marie: Army food.

Peter Marshall: True or False: the biggest problem couples face in marriage is having sex.
Rose Marie: No, that's the second biggest problem. The biggest problem is no sex.

Peter Marshall: Is it okay to freeze mushrooms?
Rose Marie: What else do I have to do, Pete?

Peter Marshall: You're a shy, bashful girl...
Rose Marie: Oh no I'm not!
Peter Marshall: All hypothetical, of course. According to "Cosmo," will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
Rose Marie: Gosh Peter, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: According to Good Housekeeping, how many years is the life expectancy of your lingerie?
Rose Marie: If you're talking about wear and tear, mine will last forever.

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: True or false, most people's attitudes toward strangers is, "Don't get too close to me, I prefer to keep you at arm's length!"
(loud horn sounds to signify end of nighttime show)
Rose Marie: That's my opinion!

Peter Marshall: True or false...you can get a camel to be more cooperative by giving it tobacco and perfume.
Rose Marie: You can get an awful lot out of me that way!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a new millionaire is made every 30 minutes.
Rose Marie: Not by me.

Peter Marshall: In 1914, a new dance was introduced to America that became so controversial that it was barred from college campuses, and ministers preached against it as immoral. We do it today though. What dance was it?
Rose Marie: Why do you ask me a question about 1914?!

(from a 1968 daytime episode)
Peter Marshall: According to experts, is it ever a good idea to sleep with the window open?
Rose Marie: I won't say what I sleep with!

Peter Marshall: True or false, if you have difficulty hitting the sack, a good idea is to talk yourself to sleep?
Rose Marie: Or Tom Snyder could do the same thing.

Peter Marshall: You have a man...
Rose Marie: HEY! STOP RIGHT THERE! STOP RIGHT THERE!!
Peter Marshall: It gets better. If you have a man in a full-nelson, where are your hands?
(Rose's face lights up with a weird, giggly expression)

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, nothing will make a young teenage couple stay together as much as when their parents do something. Do what?
Rose Marie: When they go away for the weekend. When they're left alone, they have a ball.

Peter Marshall: The great Sphinx has a human's head, but whose body?
Rose Marie: Milton Berle's.
(Berle happens to be in the next square)
Milton Berle: I'll tell the jokes.
Rose Marie: Whose?

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is it all right for people approximately in their seventies to live together without marrying? According to Billy Graham, is that OK?
Rose Marie (under her breath): I don't know why I get these questions. I really don't.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, can doctors do anything for your stretch marks?
Rose Marie: Well, if he's musically inclined, he can strum them. Gee, Peter! I mean after all!

Peter Marshall: Is there anything in or on your body that was there the day you were born?
Rose Marie (points to her head): The black bow!

Peter Marshall: True or false, Russia has a government agency that will completely plan your entire wedding?
Rose Marie: Well, they wouldn't do it with me. They just refused flat out.
Peter: Why?
Rose: I don't know. They said I had to have a guy.

Peter Marshall: Can you get a closer shave in the morning or in the evening?
Rose Marie: I don't know, Peter! I DON'T SHAVE!!...my face I mean. What a stupid question.

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, there is only one thing that can satisfy your deepest longings. What?
Rose Marie: You want names or just...?

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts, you put some egg white on your face, leave it on for two minutes, and then rinse with cool water. If you've been successful, what's gone?
Rose Marshall: The egg white.

Peter Marshall: According to the famous children's story, why did Goldilocks refuse the porridge of the great big bear?
Rose Marie: Papa Bear?
Peter Marshall: M-hmm.
Rose Marie: Probably Vincent (Price) was playing the part, and he cooked it.

Harvey

lilhave

05-11-2006, 06:13 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Just Won the Lottery

10. You stop by one morning and find him asleep in a pile of loose fifties

9. He's got a standing order with the Home Shopping Network for "one of everything"

8. You see his ten-year-old in the driveway playing one-on-one with Charles Barkley

7. Always super-sizes his McDonald's order whether he's hungry or not

6. He's gone from betting $50 against the Jets to betting $50,000 against the Jets

5. Has his pizza delivered by Mr. Domino himself

4. He took down "Neighborhood Watch Zones" signs and put up "Happenin' Rich Dude Zone" signs

3. Shows up at PTA meetings dressed like that little "Monopoly" guy

2. Cruises around town in a Lexus full of Solid Gold dancers

1. His six kids have been renamed 4, 17, 26, 39, 41 and 54

Harvey

lilhave

05-11-2006, 06:15 AM

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a
witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or
other drugs from the defendant?" "No sir," answered the man. "Did you
ever get any from his wife?" "No sir." "Did you ever get any from his
daughters?" "Uh--excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still
talking about drugs here, right?"

Harvey

lilhave

05-11-2006, 06:16 AM

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a company that will rent you a nude bartender for your party? Paul Lynde: (sings) Set 'em up, Joe...

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts, when putting on your makeup, if you use a dark foundation directly below your jawbone, and blend it from ear to ear, it will help hide something. What? Paul Lynde: Well, can you tell I'm wearing pearls?

Peter Marshall: What do you call a bull that can't have kids?
Paul Lynde: Anthony Quinn.

Peter Marshall: Would you be surprised to find some wood in your hot dog?
Paul Lynde: No, but I'd be surprised to find some meat.

Peter Marshall: You have a bunch of unwanted hair. According to Dr. Thotusen, what is most often the cause of unwanted hair? A bunch of it?
Paul Lynde: Running over a llama.

Peter Marshall: Lawrence Welk says that as a teenager, he promised his father he would work hard on their farm for four years, his Daddy would loan him the money to buy something few boys ever get. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a champagne lady.

Peter Marshall: Something happened to Marlon Brando in 1955, and afterward he told friends he thought it would happen to Bing Crosby instead. What happened?
Paul Lynde: Oh, one of Bing's sons asked him for money.

Peter Marshall: True or false, in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate?
Paul Lynde: But they went on to win in three other categories.

Peter Marshall: A woman named Jane Grey has a place of history because of something she did for 10 consecutive days that few women have ever done. What did she do? Jane Grey?
Paul Lynde: Wasn't she married to Eddie Fisher?

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?
Paul Lynde: From ONE midnight ride?!

Peter Marshall: Is there anything an elephant loves more than a big bag of peanuts?
Paul Lynde: The love scenes in Dumbo.

Peter Marshall: In baseball, there's a special name for the area between a player's knees and his armpits.
Paul Lynde: Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad?! AREN'T YOU GLAD...he used Dial?

Peter Marshall: Your date has had a great shock, and then fainted. According to experts, you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
(Paul grins, but doesn't answer right away) Do you understand the question?
Paul Lynde: Yes.
Peter Marshall: Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.
Peter Marshall: You don't get along with this young lady obviously.

Peter Marshall: Liberace has a new book out called "The Things I..."?
Paul Lynde: Put in my hair.

Peter Marshall: Your rooster has been fixed so that he no longer has romantic interest in hens. What is the proper word for him now?
Paul Lynde: Suicidal.

Peter Marshall: According to the Women's International Bowling Congress, are there any women 80 years old who still bowl regularly?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but that's all they do regularly.

Peter Marshall; Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by Betsy Ross?
Paul Lynde (In a deep overly serious voice, singing popular TV jingle of the time): You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...

Peter Marshall: True or false, Zsa Zsa Gabor is a deputy sheriff in Chicago?
Paul Lynde: It's a pity that she couldn't make it in show business.

Peter Marshall: According to Parade Magazine, almost half of the dogs in the United states have a common problem, and it affects a lot of people too. What?
Paul Lynde: Water on the knee.

Peter Marshall: According to Good Housekeeping Magazine, Lucille ball was 40 years old before she had her first what?
Paul Lynde: Red hair.

Peter Marshall: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Paul Lynde: Conversation.

Peter Marshall: True or false, many of our highways and railroads were built directly on the trails left by bison?
Paul Lynde: So that's why the roads are so bumpy.

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes? Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.

Peter Marshall: Paul, Everyone knows the first verse: (singing)
What shall we do with the drunken sailor
What shall we do with the drunken sailor
What shall we do with the drunken sailor, so early in the morning?
But what is the first line of the next verse?
Paul Lynde:
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor, so early in the morning
(audience laughs, then...) How disgusting....that poor sailor!

Peter Marshall: In what Dickens classic, Paul, will you find the phrase "You may find us rough, sir, but you'll find us ready"?
Paul Lynde: Oh, "Little Women."

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, what did Little Bo Peep's sheep leave behind them?
Paul Lynde: Well, Simple Simon thought they were bread crumbs!

Peter Marshall: Who never rises for the bride and groom?
Paul Lynde: Ironside.

Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

Peter Marshall: Paul, Pat Nixon says it's difficult to sleep with President Nixon because of something he does in the middle of the night. What is it?
Paul Lynde: He's digging a tunnel.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the song that is played when the President of the United States walks into a room?
Paul Lynde: "Send in the Clowns."

Peter Marshall: Paul, what landed "I know not where?"
Paul Lynde: Amelia Earhart.

(in a show in which Vincent Price was also a Square)
Peter Marshall: How many movies has Vincent Price been in?
Paul Lynde: You mean, how many good movies?
(correct answer: Price had just completed his 100th film)

Peter Marshall : Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time i saw it was when i didn't buy their cookies.

Peter Marshall: Who was known as "Old Blood and Guts"?
Paul Lynde: Barbara Stanwyck.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is it true that lightning once fused a man’s zipper shut?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it was God’s way telling him to slow down.

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the Mister Yuk sticker meant to be put on?
Paul Lynde: Oh, motel bedspreads

(the next two are from 1970)
Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the name of the small musical intrument shaped like a triangle?
Paul Lynde: Connie Stevens.

Peter Marshall: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Paul Lynde: Joan Crawford’s eyebrows.

staffino

05-11-2006, 09:56 AM

this was always one of my favorites:

Peter Marshall: Paul, we all know in The Wizard of Oz the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart, what did the scarecrow want?

Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him. :lol:

padre

05-11-2006, 10:35 AM

This one caused me to spit my tea out all over my keyboard from laughing so hard!!!

Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

(and that was back when the klan was very active!)

Lamont

05-11-2006, 12:07 PM

was always hilarious

i wish he had not died so young
he would been great to see in old age in the 2000s

can u imagine the comedy he'd be doing now??

RedWhine56

05-11-2006, 03:18 PM

IMO, the entire run of the original Hollywood Squares was great. All the quips from Rose Marie, Charley Weaver, Vincent Price, George Gobel, Wally Cox. etc. But Paul was always my favorite. I also, regret he died at such a young age. Perhaps these days, he'd be giving Dame Edna a run for her money!

I've met Rose Marie & she still "has the goods". Very witty & quick.

And all the fun that was had with "Dicker & Dicker of Beverly Hills" (which still exists, BTW!)

Also, I always remember them (Hollywood Squares) advertising Lola Falana appearing at the Tropicana. As a young teen in the midwest, the Tropicana sounded truly exotic. Several years ago, while in Vegas (after the advent of the 'casinos-big-as-cities'), I HAD to walk through the Tropicana and was sorely disappointed. It was so tiny & unimpressive, compared to the new ones. But I guess that's why most (all?) of the legendary, old casinos are gone, now.

Lamont

05-11-2006, 07:46 PM

i cannot believe that there is no biography on lynde

i mean its a great story, his career, his childhood, being OUT way back then when it meant career suicide for so many

and his tragic (apparently sex and drug related) death

its the kind of story that soap operas use
but no book on the man?

Lamont

05-11-2006, 07:49 PM

As a young teen in the midwest, the Tropicana sounded truly exotic. Several years ago, while in Vegas (after the advent of the 'casinos-big-as-cities'), I HAD to walk through the Tropicana and was sorely disappointed. It was so tiny & unimpressive, compared to the new ones. But I guess that's why most (all?) of the legendary, old casinos are gone, now.

THIS IS SO TRUE

last time i was in Vegas (in the last year) its sad how many of the classic casinos are gone

AND they are now going to tear down the STARDUST in 2007 to rebuild it bigger and allegedly better. About all that is left is the Frontier and the Alladin (but thats not the original, it was totally rebuilt too!)

I wish that more people in Vegas would pay attention to the history and not just be interested in what new cheezy gimmick casino there can be now---- does anyone really care if a casino looks like a pyramid or like a pirate ship?

RedWhine56

05-11-2006, 07:50 PM

Lamont

05-11-2006, 08:07 PM

THANKS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 :wave:

RedWhine56

05-11-2006, 08:07 PM

THIS IS SO TRUE

last time i was in Vegas (in the last year) its sad how many of the classic casinos are gone

AND they are now going to tear down the STARDUST in 2007 to rebuild it bigger and allegedly better. About all that is left is the Frontier and the Alladin (but thats not the original, it was totally rebuilt too!)

I wish that more people in Vegas would pay attention to the history and not just be interested in what new cheezy gimmick casino there can be now---- does anyone really care if a casino looks like a pyramid or like a pirate ship?

Yeah, the last time I was in Vegas (Oct 2004), it was at "Lake Las Vegas", a new development on the outskirts which (at least at that time) was so totally anti-Vegas it was scary. (The place actually closed down (casino too!) and was dark in the middle of the night!) I didn't have the chance to get to the strip, so although I know they are tearing down the few remaining legendary casinos, I didn't get a chance to check out which ones still existed at that time. It's so sad, when you think of the history (good & bad).

padre

05-11-2006, 08:07 PM

AND they are now going to tear down the STARDUST in 2007 to rebuild it bigger and allegedly better. About all that is left is the Frontier and the Alladin (but thats not the original, it was totally rebuilt too!)

Yeah, the Frontier has to go (I was just out there last week). It's old, small and has nothing to draw the people into it.

Vegas has to keep changing, adapting to new styles and attracting new visitors. If it was the same 40 casinos, year after year, people would get a bit bored. But one major change I've noticed over the last 10 years is the movement away from the 'family friendly' atmosphere, to the upper scale adult only. They finally figured out that if you're out there with your kids, you're not gambling! DUH!! The only hotels with any family oriented attractions anymore is Circus Circus (has to be upgraded soon!!) and Excalibur. The only 'original' Vegas is pretty much downtown on Fremont street.

Me, I don't care for any of that - just as long as they have good blackjack, Pai Gow, and Texas Hold'em, I'm good! ;)

Lamont

05-11-2006, 08:12 PM

no padre, i actually stayed at the Frontier a few months back
it IS small, it is NOTHING Fancy, that is why i like it

its REAL VEGAS with history, i could go on for hours about the history there

i like it like that, maybe im just a dork, but it means more to me that Sinatra or Reagan stayed on the floor im at, at a small, dinky casino

than whether or not it has the newest SIEGREID and ROY exhibit

PLUS the frontier still has a GILLEYS bar inside!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

RedWhine56

05-11-2006, 08:15 PM

THANKS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 :wave:

You're most welcome! :wave:

PS - it's kind of sad, since that's the life Paul led. It's not like he was Raymond Burr & lived quietly with the same companion for 30 years & had a vineyard. But Joe Florenski is known to be very factual, so AFAIK, it's all true.

RedWhine56

05-11-2006, 08:33 PM

Also, for you Lynde fans, there is a guy (Michael Airington - http://www.paullynde.info/MAirington.htm
) who has reincarnated Lynde's one man show he did instead of summer stock one year (I forget which year). Here's info on the DVD:

http://image-entertainment.com/detail.cfm?productID=35866

And there are plans for a feature film on Paul's life (featuring Michael as Paul). The script is being edited & no set dates for filming, yet. So maybe in a year or so. (These things are slow.)

lilhave

05-12-2006, 05:58 AM

Peter Marshall: Can breathing in and out of a paper bag help stop anything?
George Gobel: If it's filled with wine it can stop me from shaking.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Peter Marshall: If the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman were to have a baby, would it be a bionic baby?
George Gobel: Yes, but it would require three doctors, a ground crew and a disposable net.

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
(laughter and applause dies down)
Peter Marshall: Aren't you ashamed?
George Gobel: I really am.

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word "Gobbledygook?"
George Gobel: That's the stuff that crusts over in turkeys' eyes when they're asleep.

Peter Marshall: According to an old song, you should "Wrap all your troubles in..." What?
George Gobel: Furs...and tell her to stop calling your house!

Peter Marshall: One Frenchman in seven makes his living making something. Making what?
George Gobel: Making love to the lady tourists.

Peter Marshall: Does the Secret Service have any women?
George Gobel: Of course, who do you think performs the secret service?

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: According to the Reverend Billy Graham, what sin have you committed if drink too much?
George Gobel: Gluttony. The neighbors say I ate their cat.

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Gobel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: According to Shakespeare, what acquaints a man with strange bedfellows?
George Gobel: The tall dude in the purple hat.

Peter Marshall: What is the most popular place in America that people want to visit?
George Gobel: It's right down the hall, to the right and has a sign on the door.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible to housebreak an elephant?
George Gobel: Yes, but don't try it during a newspaper strike.

Peter Marshall: According to Dear Abby, how long is the average honeymoon?
George Gobel: Forty-seven minutes.

Peter Marshall: What did Anita Bryant do for her talent competition in the Miss America contest?
George Gobel: Punch the hairdresser.

Peter Marshall: True or false, pickles and martinis don't taste as good to people with dentures?
George Gobel: Well, you can get along without dentures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the dining room of the House of Representatives in Congress
serves 10-12 gallons of beans every day?
George Gobel: And they go pass... (laughter) legislation!

Peter Marshall: True or false, the Pope believes the Vatican might be bugged?
George Gobel: And he also believes that 18 minutes of the new testament are missing.

Peter Marshall: According to The Cosmo Girl's Book Of Ettiquette, what does Helen Gurley
Brown say you should put in your bra to attract men?
George Gobel: A copy of Sports Illustrated.

Peter Marshall: True or false, a Florida man was recently fined 75 cents to pay for the bullet
police fired at him?
George Gobel: Yeah, and they didn't have change for a dollar, so they shot him two more times.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a cow that won't give milk?
George Gobel: Hamburger.

Peter Marshall: True or false, drinking alcohol reduces the amount of male hormones in your body?
George Gobel: You can't scare me!

Peter Marshall: According to the People's Almanac, what do they call it when one person is
engaged in kissing, fondling, and caressing with another person?
George Gobel: In show business, we call it an interview.

Peter Marshall: What was Rudyard Kipling describing when he wrote about a "rag-a-bone" and a
"hank-a-hair?"
George Gobel: His unsuccessful attempt to shoot his wife out of a cannon.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for a man to get an annulment if he can prove that he was drunk
during the wedding ceremony?
George Gobel: Well, I thought of that, but by the time I sobered up, we had been married 23 years.

Peter Marshall: According to flag ettiquette, how does a woman show her respect for the
American flag?
George Gobel: She picks up a sailor

Peter Marshall: True or false, some fish moo?
George Gobel: Some fish moo?
Peter: Moo like a cow. Moo, yeah.
George: Well then, conversely if you held a cow underwater it would drown. I'd say turnabout is fair play.

Peter Marshall: According to weather statistics, where is the wettest spot on Earth?
George Gobel: Uh, the parking lot at Busch Gardens.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for a man to get an annulment if he can prove that he was drunk during the wedding ceremony?
George Gobel: Well, I thought of that, but by the time I sobered up, we had been married 23 years.

Peter Marshall: When are you considered an old man in Japan?
George Gobel: When you have to get your doctor's permission to bow.

Peter Marshall: According to Dear Abby, it's nature's signal that something is wrong. What is it? George Gobel: When your son starts waxing his legs.

Peter Marshall: According to legend, what one thing was Noah's wife not willing to do?
George Gobel: Sunbathe amongst the anteaters.

Peter Marshall: According to Shakespeare's "Seven Ages Of Man", what is he after he's been a lover?
George Gobel: Poot.
Peter Marshall: That's who gave us the word "poot", eh? Shakespeare?
George Gobel: Well, he gave us a lot of good words.
Peter Marshall: He sure did.
George Gobel: He's quite a man.

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a magazine called "The Corsets & Underwear Revue"? George Gobel: I was reading that before Playboy came out.

Peter Marshall: Dear Abby says it's the single reason most people go to an X-rated movie. What is it?
George Gobel: Well, in the first place, they can't believe their eyes the first 20 or 30 times.

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a Catholic parrish in Las Vegas that holds services in a topless discotheque?
George Gobel: Yes, and there's a sign that says "Do not tip or touch the choir".

Peter Marshall: True or false, massaging the feet helps some people with hot flashes?
George Gobel: So that's why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.
Rose Marie: OH! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT! I KNEW IT!!

Peter Marshall: Years ago, American Indians tied small pine trees to their feet, and thereby invented what?
George Gobel: Shoe trees.

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts at Seventeen magazine, what is the major cause of crows feet?
George Gobel: God made them so crows could dance.

Peter Marshall: According to an article in the Dayton Daily News, it's the most universal reaction in men after they've gotten their divorce. What is it?
George Gobel: Relief.

Peter Marshall: According to "The People's Handbook Of Medical Care", it's the single-most important factor in letting you know that something is wrong with you. What is it?
George Gobel: It's when people pass you on the street, and go "YECCH!"
Peter: That would do it I think.

Peter Marshall: You have some lipstick on your collar. Will treating it with petroleum jelly help? George Gobel: I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick!

Peter Marshall: Traditionally, on Ground Hog Day, what is the ground hog looking for when he comes out of his hole?
George Gobel: Well, anything except a speeding lawn mower.

Peter Marshall: According to French wine experts, was 1969 a good, or a bad year for wine? George Gobel: Now this has got to be a trick question because there's never been a bad year for wine.

Peter Marshall: According to Father Lester's column, is there ever, EVER a time when it is permissible to punch somebody in the mouth?
George Gobel: Well, yeah. Like if he backs into the church's new Chevy wagon.

Peter Marshall: According to the celebrated Masters & Johnson, ther are about four or five thousand places offering sex therapy in America today. Now, according to Masters & Johnson, do they feel that most of them are doing a really good job?
George Gobel: Well, not the ones where you don't have to leave your car.

Peter Marshall: The Pittsburgh Press calls it a combination of the Jitterbug, the Cha-cha, and the Mambo. What do you call it?
George Gobel: A short in my electric blanket.

Harvey

lilhave

05-12-2006, 06:00 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Shop Teacher Is Nuts

10. Drinks two gallons of marine varnish a week

9. Begins every sentence with "Back when I was sane..."

8. Shouts "Watch this -- you don't need a hammer if you have a steel plate in your skull."

7. Same project semester after semester: Make your own coffin

6. Favorite game: Fill my pants with sawdust

5. Guns 'N' Roses recorded one of his songs.

4. He's built himself a plywood girlfriend.

3. If someone loses a finger, everyone loses a finger.

2. Arranges bandsaw safety demonstration by Lorena Bobbitt

1. Calls the drill press "Mommy"

Harvey

lilhave

05-12-2006, 06:02 AM

Best and Worst Comments Taken From MIT Course Evaluation Guide

1. "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

3. "In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."

4. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

5. "Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

6. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

7. "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"

8. "Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."

9. "Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the
way I felt all term."

10. "This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on
faith."

11. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

12. "Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."

13. "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where
I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."

14. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my
comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

15. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've
got a cool nest in the tree."

16. "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

17. "TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started drinking
and it really loosened him up."

18. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all
directions--no way to stop it."

19. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used while doing the problem sets"

20. "What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality
paper.'

21. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered
on the final exam."

Harvey

lilhave

05-13-2006, 05:37 AM

Female Rules

1. PMS is every woman's perogative. It is always a good enough excuse for
anything, and take advantage of it whenever possible.

2. Don't be afraid to gossip. It is your responsibility to make sure your
friends are well-informed about the latest happenings.

3. You may change your mind whenever you wish.

4. Never give a direct answer when a man asks you a question.

5. It is not wrong to withold sex to get what you want.

6. Always ask a guy "What are you thinking?" after sex.

7. If he doesn't call, take it as the most personal of insults.

8. Never believe "I love you" if it comes before sex.

9. Always wear matching bra and panties for the first few dates, then you can s
witch to the comfortable old palin white cotton once you have impressed him
with the stylishness of your underwear.

10. ALWAYS say that he is the best you've ever had.

11. Fake orgasms when necessary.

12. Find a "cute giggle". Practice it constantly.

13. Learn to toss your hair around, even if it's short.

14. Never admit that your're not a real blonde.

15. Shopping always makes you feel better.

16. When with a group of girls, it is customary to talk particularly about the
girl who is not present.

17. Always try to set up your single female friends with your single male friends.

18. Never forget that men are pigs.

19. Jeans: the tighter the better.

20. The fact that you menstruate makes it okay to bitch as much as you want
about anything you want.

21. Criticize every other woman behind her back.

22. Never reveal the full extent of your intelligence to a man.

23. Pretend that you can't do certain "guy" things like change a flat tire.
It's even okay to calim that you can't pump gasoline or check the oil.
Helpless females make a guy feel macho.

24. If a guy really cares about you, he should be able to read your mind. You
needn't have to explain yourself, ever. And he should know what's expected
of him without you saying anything.

25. Be a tease.

26. Men always want to know how they compare to the last guy you were with.
Always say "Your're not as well hung as my last boyfriend."

27. Never dutch treat.

28. If he doesn't spend money on you, don't waste your time.

29. Guys like to see you flirt with their friends.

30. Develop a "cute butt" scale and use it to rate every guy's butt that you see.

31. Never go to the ladies room alone, if you can help it.

32. Carry feminine hygiene products with you wherever you go, and don't be shy
about showing them to people.

33. Always announce to everyone when you are on the rag.

Harvey

lilhave

05-13-2006, 05:39 AM

How to Know You Are Growing Older

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

2. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

3. You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

4. Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D.

5. You get winded playing cards.

6. You join a health club and don't go.

7. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.

9. You need glasses to find your glasses.

10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

12. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

13. Your back goes out more than you do.

14. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.

15. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

16. YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.

Harvey

lilhave

05-13-2006, 05:41 AM

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important *****, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Harvey

lilhave

05-14-2006, 03:43 AM

Top Ten Signs You're Too Fat

10. Only thing you read: takeout menus

9. You've had a garage door installed in your bedroom

8. Got cable just for the Food Network

7. You skip your son's wedding because you don't want to miss Blimpie's 2-for-1 sale

6. Red Cross changed your blood type from "O" to "Pancake batter"

5. Scientists won a Nobel Prize for measuring your gravitational field

4. Blinking leaves you winded

3. You buy ham by the square foot

2. Southwest Airlines makes you purchase 3 tickets

1. You start every day with a nice, steaming cup of gravy

Harvey

lilhave

05-14-2006, 03:46 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Cannibal

10. You see repairmen go in, but you never really see them come out

9. Your name: Lou Levy; recipe on his refrigerator: "Lou Levy Almandine"

8. Lives alone, yet at his garage sale, had men's and women's shoes in most sizes

7. Asks if sailors count as seafood

6. Sues Denny's for false advertising over its so-called "Lumberjack Breakfast"

5. Calls his hot tub "the slow cooker"

4. At Halloween, he always has extremely realistic skeletons on the porch

3. You ask for a beer, he replies, "They're in the fridge next to Steve"

2. Says, "I'm in the mood for a Mexican...I mean Mexican"

1. The "pork shoulder" he serves you is wearing a wristwatch

Harvey

lilhave

05-14-2006, 03:48 AM

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards.

Harvey

lilhave

05-15-2006, 05:44 AM

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Fashion Model

10. You went nuts on the Halloween candy and ballooned to a size 4

9. The guy doing your make-up asks how the fight with Tyson went

8. You're still working on memorizing the word "cheese"

7. Whenever you vogue down a catwalk, it sags and creaks ominously

6. While you're modeling, you notice photographers taking pictures of each other

5. Instead of DeNiro, you're dating DeLuise

4. Only magazine cover you've ever appeared on: "Ugly Short Guy"

3. Your preferred method of getting down runway: rolling

2. Your ass and a Ford Taurus are roughly the same size

1. Your beauty mark is just spaghetti sauce

Harvey

lilhave

05-15-2006, 05:46 AM

Top Ten Martha Stewart's Worst Tips For Living

10. If you notice a guest using the "wrong" fork, pick up the "right" fork and jam it into his head

9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces

8. Add glitter to every damn thing you own

7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri & a stack of wrestling magazines

6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about what's in the chili

5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows

4. To liven up a "black tie only" affair, wear only a black tie

3. You want livin'? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the bastard

2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between teeth

1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair (hair girls)

Harvey

lilhave

05-15-2006, 05:48 AM

Murphy's Law for Cops

Bullet Proof vests aren't.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.

The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.

Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

Flash suppressors don't really.

If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.

Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."

The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.

The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.

Harvey

lilhave

05-16-2006, 07:37 AM

Strange & Completely Useless Information
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

"Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand, "lollipop" with your right.

The cruise liner, QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The words 'racecar' and kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.,

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face, is 10:'0.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times, "indivisibility."

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.

A 'jiffy' is an actualy unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

It's impossible to lick your elbow.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language..........try it!

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

In the course of an average lifetime, you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. (I didn't know that!!)

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Harvey

lilhave

05-16-2006, 07:39 AM

A first Grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, then had the children complete the phrase.
As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.

Harvey

lilhave

05-16-2006, 07:40 AM

You might be Po" White Trash If......

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You've ever given a rat trap as a gift.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You keep a can of RAID on your dining room table.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
You ever got too drunk to fish.
Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever bought a used hat.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
"Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
You spit chewing tobacco in house plants.
Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
Rather than drinking sacramental wine at church, you "bring your own."
The Salvation Army refused your mattress.
You go to a family reunion to meet men.

Harvey

T-Greg

05-16-2006, 09:14 AM

Re: "Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road." Let me tell you a story. There is a Boy Scout Camp in Kiln, Mississippi ("Home of Brett Favre"- they used to have a big homemade sign there welcoming you!). Anyway, the directions to Camp Salmen include "turn left at the brick house". Also, there is a bar along the road through Kiln that has a sign that reads "Pool Tabel's". That's right, not only spelled wrong, but possessive as well. Now think about it. Not only did the owner spell it wrong, but apparently everyone that patronized that fine establishment failed to mention it to the owner, meaning they saw nothing wrong either. :lol:

savageamusement

05-16-2006, 04:58 PM

I think I am part snail..

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

lilhave

05-17-2006, 06:45 AM

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the
ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse
every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a
lot today.
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS . . . but it uses up a thousand
times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the earth . . . after we're through with it.

Harvey

lilhave

05-17-2006, 06:47 AM

In an average lifetime, a woman will consume six pounds of lipstick. - San Diego Union, 4/25/06

Steve King rode a wave for one hour and 17 minutes, setting the world record for the world's longest surf ride. This was a ride of 7.6 miles. - The Week Magazine, 4/28/06

Gilbert Gottfried was recently named the "Unsexiest Man in the World". - MSNBC, 4/18/06

John Koza has networked 1,000 computers together to form an "invention machine". Koza feeds information into the machine, and the machine randomly comes up with potential solutions, and then tests them. One of the invention machine's creations has earned a patent - as the patent examiner did not know it was the work of a computer. - Popular Science, 5/06

When Elliot Voge, a 14-year-old Indiana middle school student, realized he was carrying a small Swiss Army knife as he arrived at school, he did the responsible thing. He went directly to the principal's office and turned it in. Nevertheless, Principal Jimmy Meadows suspended the "model student" for 10 days, citing the school's zero tolerance policy. - USA Today, 4/4/06

A Malaysian man received a $218,000,000,000,000 phone bill and was ordered to pay up within 10 days or face prosecution. - MSNBC, 4/10/06

Playing the didgeridoo can treat snoring. - Discover Magazine, 5/06

$30 of raw popcorn can translate into as much as $3,000 in sales at the movie theaters. - Chicago Tribune, 3/18/06

Coca-Cola indeed once did contain cocaine, but the company insists it does not now buy coca leaves. However, the only legal importer of coca leaves is the Stepan Co. of Maywood, New Jersey. Much of the 382,000 pounds of coca leaves it imports is made into a "flavoring extract"; its main customer for that "flavoring extract" is reported to be the Coca-Cola Company. - The Week Magazine, 3/31/06

A television charity event turned deadly when participants in a "test of strength" pulled a train and two carriages on the tracks - and the vehicle gained speed and ran them over. Seven people were killed and there were numerous limbs severed, all while 3,000 children who attended the event watched in horror. - BBC News, 3/18/06

A Montenegro man watched as the local river burst its banks from a recent deluge of rain. It filled his basement with water quickly. Mile Tutic impressed his neighbors by landing 8 trout that were swimming around in his basement. - Seattle Times, 4/6/06

Curtis Gokey, a Lodi (California) city employee, was driving a dump truck and hit a parked car. The employee admitted he caused the accident, but the owner of the car will not get damages for the accident. The parked car is owned by the same Curtis Gokey. - The Week Magazine, 3/31/06

A Norwegian man won $900 in prize money - both first and second prize in an ice fishing contest. None of the other 65 competitors caught anything at all. The winner's prize catches weighed .07 and .05 ounces. - Associated Press, 3/28/06

Arthur Winston recently retired from his job at the Los Angeles Metropolitan Transportation Authority, after 75 years on the job. He retired on his 100th birthday. He only missed one day of work in those 75 years - in 1988 when his wife died. - MSNBC, 3/22/06

Arthur Winston died less than a month after he retired. - Boston Globe, 4/15/06

In South Bend, Indiana, a man was arrested for selling bogus flat-screen TVs to unsuspecting victims. The item was bubble wrapped, had Wal-Mart markings and came with a remote control. The flat-screen TV was actually an oven door. - South Bend Tribune, 4/1/06

President George Bush's former top domestic policy adviser, Claude Allen, was charged with theft - over $5000 of items from several Target stores. - Washington Post, 3/14/06

In the Columbia Space Shuttle disaster, all seven astronauts died, but hundreds of nematode worms (carried in canisters to study the biology of weightlessness) survived. - Discover Magazine, 4/06

5 of the United States have more gun dealers than gas stations. - Time, 3/27/06

The Chicago Public School system requires all students take driver's education, including blind students. - MSNBC, 3/10/06

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!

In space, astronauts cannot cry properly, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow down their faces!

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Slugs have 4 noses!

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!

Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!

The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!

It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland!
There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!

Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes!

........1..2..3...breathe....and repeat...........

.......rest your eyes.. there's plenty more where that came from........

The starfish is one of the few animals who can turn it's stomach inside-out!

Eskimo ice cream is neither icy, or creamy!

A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!

The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs!

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate!

More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

The elephant is one of the few mammals that can't jump!

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly!

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States!

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet!

America once issued a 5-cent bill!

You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! Wow!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and month! Interesting tries from our readers: orange: door hinge, melange (French for mix) purple: hurtle, durple?, turtle month: once, bunth?, hunch

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung!

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years! Wow!
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

Here are some interesting numbers to look at! (*1997)
166,875,000,000 pieces of mail are delivered each year in the U.S!
1,525,000,000 miles of telephone wire a strung across the U.S!
123,000,000 cars are being driven down the U.S's highways!
85,000,000 tons of paper are used each year in the U.S!
56,000,000 people go to Major League baseball each year!

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head!

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!

lilhave

05-17-2006, 06:49 AM

How To Feed Pills to Cats and Dogs

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CATS:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.

DOGS:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

Harvey

The Flying Dutchmans

05-17-2006, 09:16 AM

So the QE2 burns a gallon of fuel for every six inches it moves huh ?
Wow, I wonder if my oldsmobile was built by the same company.

T-Greg

05-17-2006, 09:41 AM

lilhave

05-17-2006, 11:04 AM

The crocodile info is not totally useless. If I ever run into one and he ticks me off, if I flip him the finger, I now know that he can't stick his tongue out at me. Glad to know that in advance.:lol:

I'm here to educate. Tomorrow we discuss the mating cycle of the Monarch butterflyand how to find it's G spot.

Prof. Harv

jie3

05-17-2006, 11:50 PM

how to find it's G spot

:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy :notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

savageamusement

05-18-2006, 06:39 AM

:nonono:Careful Prof Harvey.....keep talking about G-Spots I'll have to bump this into the chit chat section.

:rofl:

lilhave

05-18-2006, 07:45 AM

:nonono:Careful Prof Harvey.....keep talking about G-Spots I'll have to bump this into the chit chat section.

:rofl:

Rumors are that T-Greg was caught with a underage Monarch Butterfly. Has to do community service at the zoo. They looked at his baby and weren't sure how to label it. Was born with 5 colors and was able to fly. No formula, just worms.

Prof. Harvey

lilhave

05-18-2006, 07:50 AM

Things Dogs Should Remember

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Harvey

lilhave

05-18-2006, 07:52 AM

Insults

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.

Does your face hurt, because it's killing me!

He's so dumb, he sits on the TV and watches the sofa.

You're so ugly, when you go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.

Those people are so dumb, one of 'em was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on him.

Thinks he's a real wit. He's half right.

In a battle of wits she's unarmed.

The oven's on, but nothing's cooking.

He's a little too tall for his blood supply.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

He's a few clowns short of a circus.

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

She's a few Cokes short of a six-pack.

He's a few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's dead.

She's one taco short of a combination plate.

She's a few feathers short of a whole duck.

He's all foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

She's as smart as bait.

He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

He forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

I love you more today than tomorrow.

He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

He's a gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

She's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

She's a prime candidate for natural deselection.

He's as bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

He donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

He fell out of the family tree.

He's more confused than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

He's been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

He's a couple of bricks short of a hod.

He's a couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core.

He's a couple of knights short of a Crusade.

He's a couplet short of a sonnet.

He's a few ears short of a bushel.

He's a few feet short of the runway.

He's a few links shy of a chain.

He's a few puppies short of a pet shop.

He's a few tomatoes short of a thick sauce.

He's got a room temperature IQ.

He's about a half a bubble off plumb.

He's all lime and salt, but no tequila.

He's an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

He was born during low tide in the gene pool.

He has both oars in the water, but they're on the same side of the boat!

He can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.

She's deaf, dumb, and blonde.

His deck has no face cards.

He is diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

She's eating with only one chopstick.

Her elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.

God might still use him for miracle practice.

He has six beers, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold them together.

His jogging trail doesn't go all the way around the lake.

He left the store without all of his groceries.

He's missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in her silo.

He's not the quickest bunny in the forest.

She's one song short of a musical.

Her slinky is kinked.

Some M and Ms are missing from her bowl.

He's strong like bull, smart like streetcar.

Harvey

lilhave

05-18-2006, 07:54 AM

The war of 1812 is the only war in American history which congress debated the merits of.
There are 2.5 million new gonorrhoea cases a year among Americans
If you could magnify an apple to the size of the earth, the atoms in the original apple would each be about the size of an apple.
Every second, 10 billion neutrinos pass through every square centimetre of your body.
A rope woven from the hair of one person's head is strong enough to lift 10 cars.
In its 120 day life span, each of your red blood cells makes 75,000 round-trips to the lungs
According to relativity theory, a transatlantic concorde flight leaves you two millionths of a second younger than your earthbound pals (submitted by 'Green Arm')
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
For two years, during the 1970s, Mattel marketed a doll called "Growing Up Skipper." Her breasts grew when her arm was turned.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee
The soldiers of World War I were the first people to use the modern flushing toilet. The inventor: Thomas Crapper.
The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
In 1898, Bayer was advertising cough medicine containing heroin.
Camel hair brushes are made from squirrel hair.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
Swans are the only birds with penises
Rats can't throw-up.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Ants don't sleep.
A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people
The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.
1/100 of a second is called a "jiffy".
Bone is stronger, inch for inch, than the steel in skyscrapers.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is taken from an old English law stating that a husband could not beat his wife with anything thicker than his thumb
Hollowed out lemon halves were used as a primitive diaphragm in the Middle Ages.
Ants do not sleep.
A can of SPAM is opened every 4 seconds.
In Brazil, Pinto, the same name as the Ford car, is a slang term meaning a small male appendage.
Fresca, the soft drink, had problems when it was sold in Mexico. Fresca is slang for lesbian.
In Germany, Sunbeam's Mist-Stick curling iron was translated into manure wand.
Spam was invented in 1937
95% of the worlds population regularly suffers from Bellybutton lint at any given time.
Dirty snow melts faster than clean snow
Lightening can strike the earth with a force as great as 100 million volts.
The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula.
Emus cannot walk backwards.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
There are only three animals with blue tongues - the Black Bear, the Chow Chow Dog and the blue tongue lizard.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Hamsters love to eat crickets.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
Barbies measurements, if she were life size, are 39-22-33.
The ridges on the sides of coins are called reeding.
Very small clouds that look like they have broken off of bigger clouds are called scuds.
Giraffes have no vocal cords.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
A dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
Race Car is a palindrome.
Avocado is derived from the Spanish word "aguacate" which is derived from "ahuacatl" meaning testicle.

Harvey

T-Greg

05-18-2006, 09:18 AM

Rumors are that T-Greg was caught with a underage Monarch Butterfly. Has to do community service at the zoo. They looked at his baby and weren't sure how to label it. Was born with 5 colors and was able to fly. No formula, just worms.

Prof. Harvey

Not true! She was legal age, at least as far as butterflies go...had trouble with the g-spot though...I guess I should have taken your course before I got involved with butterflies.....now she won't speak to me:lol:

lilhave

05-18-2006, 09:28 AM

Not true! She was legal age, at least as far as butterflies go...had trouble with the g-spot though...I guess I should have taken your course before I got involved with butterflies.....now she won't speak to me:lol:

The trial judge tells a different story. What a pickup line! "Hi, do you fly around here often", and then to say, "your beautiful, did I see you on animal planet", and then the topper, "your coccoon or mine"

Me, give me a good looking crow, any day of the week.

Harvey who needs help desperately.

T-Greg

05-18-2006, 09:41 AM

The trial judge tells a different story. What a pickup line! "Hi, do you fly around here often", and then to say, "your beautiful, did I see you on animal planet", and then the topper, "your coccoon or mine"

Me, give me a good looking crow, any day of the week.

Harvey who needs help desperately.

Actually, I used "you have the sexiest wings I've ever seen...real or fake?"...then she slapped me.

lilhave

05-18-2006, 10:26 AM

Actually, I used "you have the sexiest wings I've ever seen...real or fake?"...then she slapped me.

Maybe if we go to the shrink together, we can get some sort of family package price. I'll mention Joker's name, that way we get 10 percent of the top.

Harvey

Lamont

05-18-2006, 10:57 AM

Dogs should remember to ALWAYS chase stray chickens out of my yard :lol: :lol:

savageamusement

05-18-2006, 10:17 PM

Spanish FLY Harvey not Butterfly
Sheesh....lemme get out my books for you again with the crayola pages in the back

lilhave

05-19-2006, 06:12 AM

Words to Live By at Work

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Rules For Work:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Harvey

lilhave

05-19-2006, 06:14 AM

10. Champagne is just a mixture of 7-Up and malt liquor

9. To beat the traffic, most people leave when the countdown is "6"

8. At the stroke of midnight, everyone starts doing their taxes

7. You're pretty sure the drunk next to you is the late Guy Lombardo

6. Everyone has to be back in their own cells by 10:00 PM sharp

5. It's just you and the automated time-telling lady on the phone

4. Everyone's speaking whatever language "Auld Lang Syne" is

3. At midnight, your host turns to his girlfriend and screams, "Helen! Release the iguanas!"

2. Passed out in the onion dip is Robert Downey Jr.

1. Macarena! Macarena! Macarena!

Harvey

lilhave

05-19-2006, 06:16 AM

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q-Tips"

9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper

8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps

7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney

6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Cheap Bastard"

5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on the Home Shopping Network

4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford

3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam

2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed

1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

Harvey

robyrob

05-19-2006, 09:22 AM

A priest, a pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

lilhave

05-20-2006, 05:35 AM

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"

9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times

1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Harvey

lilhave

05-20-2006, 05:37 AM

10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students

9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"

8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed

7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie

6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve

5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey

4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom

3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee

2. Stocking aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace

1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants

Harvey

lilhave

05-20-2006, 05:39 AM

10.Elmo roasting on an open fire
9. Come on it's lovely weather for a lap dance together with you

8. Every Christmas my uncle Louis throws up in the kitchen sink

7. I'm addicted to nasal decongestant

6. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a restraining order

5. May we see Richard Simmons, bite Santa's arm again

4. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, probably `cause we're all so full of gin

3. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to tell your parents you are gay

2. Hillary, Hillary, you're lucky you're not in prison

1. Joy to the world, their season's done, the Jets can lose no more

Harvey

lilhave

05-21-2006, 02:12 AM

for Yankees Moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
10. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

Harvey

lilhave

05-21-2006, 02:14 AM

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
– Sam Levenson
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
– Robert Frost
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
– Tommy Smothers
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
– Jackie Mason
When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
– Norm Crosby
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
– Jay Leno
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
– Fran Lebowitz
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.
– Gamel Abdul Nasser
You can always spot a well-informed man - his views are the same as yours.
– Ilka Chase

Harvey

lilhave

05-21-2006, 02:15 AM

Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

lilhave

05-23-2006, 05:38 AM

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in
the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because
you stop laughing.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an
idiot.
Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow
somewhere else.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed . . . Well, so much for sky diving.

Harvey

jennymcc

05-23-2006, 11:29 AM

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because
you stop laughing.

My favorite!! :)

I guess this means that Harvey will never grow old!

lilhave

05-23-2006, 02:56 PM

My favorite!! :)

I guess this means that Harvey will never grow old!

Hope won't help, nor will 3,000 prayers. The words were looking for are divine intervention.

Harvey who fought at Vicksburg.

lilhave

05-24-2006, 05:41 AM

Here's a quiz for everyone who thinks he/she is a know-it-all....

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is
genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside
the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw"
and
they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at
least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the letter "S."

If you are dying to know the answers, send $25.00 via paypal to
me :lol: ...never mind....

Answers are below

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends .boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of
the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several
growing seasons . . asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small,
and
are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the
entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off
at
the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation
point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh . . lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning
with "s" . . .
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.

Harvey

lilhave

05-24-2006, 05:42 AM

Excuses for missing work:
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I
will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Mart.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with my current long distance
company, but thank you for calling.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist
on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

Harvey

lilhave

05-24-2006, 05:43 AM

The Woman's Code Here is the Woman's Code. The secret rules that
women live by but rarely divulge to men. . .

----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

- Invite a man to go shopping with you only if you need someone to
carry your packages or drive.

- Assure your boyfriend that every female movie star has had a boob
job.

- When your man asks you what's wrong, say "Nothing." However, when
Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura asks you, go into excruciating detail.
Leave nothing out.

- The negative effects of cheese puffs and chocolate-chocolate chip
ice cream are offset by the positive effects of diet soda.

- Feet are flexible and can be made to fit into shoes varying from
size 7 to 9, depending on what's on sale.

- You can skimp on clothes, but a good bra is worth its weight in
gold. (That's Victoria's secret.)

- The Patricia Principle: The more you've been trying to attract the
attention of a particular man, the more likely it is that you'll run
into him when you're sweaty, short of sleep, without makeup, wearing
house-painting clothes, with your hair in a bandana.

- The best response to a married man who's hitting on you is, "Say,
don't I know your wife?"

- Learn how to say "Back off" very loudly and look fierce while you
say it.

- Let every new man in your life know that you've got a black belt in
karate.

- Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and
unpredictable. If other people have a hard time with that, that's
their problem.

- When you hear your mother's words coming out of your mouth, shut
your mouth. Unless your mother was really wise.

- When in doubt, say no.

- You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number
of your sexual partners.

- Men love a woman who's good in bed. But not the first time they go
to bed with her.

- No matter how much they fight it, all men need a woman to organize
their lives and their closets and tell them what kind of hair
products to use.

- Consider yourself a sculptor and your man a block of marble. Chip
away until you have created someone you can live with. He'll thank
you. Later.

- Always remember: Inside the biggest, burliest, most macho man lives
an ego as delicate and fragile as a baby chick making its first
venture outside the egg.

- Laugh at a man at your own peril.

- The only women who look good first thing in the morning are the
women who don't know how to put on makeup.

- When splitting a dinner check with girlfriends, it's perfectly
acceptable to take out a calculator.

- If you drop your girlfriends as soon as you have a boyfriend, you
will live to regret your decision.

- Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

- When consumed for its antioxidant properties, dark chocolate has
less fat than broccoli.

- It's a medical fact that some women gain weight although they eat
only salads.

- It's another medical fact that too much lettuce can lead to
depression.

- Women who never binge have no souls.

- Only a masochist weighs herself the day after a binge.

- Ditto anyone who looks at herself naked in a three-way mirror.

- Even Angelina Jolie has some part of her body she hates.

- Falling in love is a sure way to lose five pounds.

- Getting dumped is a sure way to gain 10.

- Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped
you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

- Except going to your high school reunion and seeing that the prom
queen shops at Lane Bryant.

- Black really does make you look thinner.

Harvey

jasimon1

05-24-2006, 12:56 PM

Didn't we already do this one?

mj3b

05-24-2006, 03:20 PM

new to me, then again most is

T-Greg

05-24-2006, 05:36 PM

Harvey. You thief! That was mine and I did not give you permission to use it!:lol:

lilhave

05-24-2006, 05:57 PM

Harvey. You thief! That was mine and I did not give you permission to use it!:lol:

Sorry about that. Just got out of the nursing home and missed out on the cup of prune juice. Won't happen again.

A sorry Harv

lilhave

05-24-2006, 05:58 PM

Time to do the inner-blonde test! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 2 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!

--------------------------------------------

1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?

3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?

4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

7. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?

8. Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

9. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

10. If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?

--------------------------------------------

ANSWERS :

1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.

3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.

4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

5. 9 live sheep.

6. The match.

7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.

10. YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 Genius
9 Mensa Member
8 Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
0 Blonde

Harvey

lilhave

05-25-2006, 05:34 AM

When Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites?
Why do tug boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If the whole world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

Harvey

lilhave

05-25-2006, 05:36 AM

Top Ten Signs You've Been Kidnapped by a Dumb Guy

10. He puts his return address on the ransom note

9. Instead of tying you up with a rope, he decides to go with velcro

8. He's demanding $2 million in unmarked million dollar bills

7. Did extremely poorly on Jeopardy's "Kidnapper Week"

6. He keeps calling you "Evander" and asking you for a rematch

5. He's your Grandpa Kenny, and he hid you behind a sofa in the family room

4. He lets you borrow his phone, as long as it's a local call

3. He keeps referring to a dog-eared copy of "Kidnapping for Dummies"

2. When your parents ask for proof you're alive, he sends you home to tell them

1. Plans to bet ransom money on the New York Jets

Harvey

lilhave

05-25-2006, 05:38 AM

Things You Should Never Say To A Naked Man...

1. I've smoked joints fatter than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Who circumcised you?
5. Why don't we just cuddle?
6. You know they have surgery to fix that.
7. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
8. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
9. Wow, and your feet are so big.
10. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
11. It's OK, we'll work around it.
12. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
13. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
14. Oh no, a flash headache!
15. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
16. Let me go get my tweezers.
17. How sweet, you brought incense!
18. This explains your car.
19. Are you one of those pygmies?
20. All right! A treasure hunt!
21. Why is God punishing you?
22. But it still works, right?
23. Do you take steroids?
24. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
25. Let me know when you're done.
26. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
27. Aww, it's hiding.
28. Are you cold?
29. If you get me real drunk first...
30. Is that an optical illusion?
31. Were you neutered?
32. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
33. Does it come with an air pump?
34. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
35. Do I hang my hat on it?
36. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

Harvey

savageamusement

05-25-2006, 06:18 AM

Look, it fits my Barbie clothes! "

YIKES there is an image!!:eek2: :eek: :eek2: :eek: :eek2:

Lamont

05-25-2006, 06:07 PM

are YOU that naked man u r refering to?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

BeefyBoyGod

05-25-2006, 06:16 PM

Did I forget to close the curtains?

lilhave

05-25-2006, 06:53 PM

are YOU that naked man u r refering to?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

In some circles I'm known as Anaconda Harv, not Earthworm Lamont as you are called.

Harvey, the rock Python of the East.

Lex Luthor

05-25-2006, 07:31 PM

In some circles I'm known as Anaconda Harv, not Earthworm Lamont as you are called.

Harvey, the rock Python of the East.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39685000/jpg/_39685941_babypyth_150.jpg

Here's a rock python Harv
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

lilhave

05-25-2006, 08:14 PM

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39685000/jpg/_39685941_babypyth_150.jpg

Here's a rock python Harv
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sorry, that's Lamont the Earthworm. To get a picture of me, you will hav to travel to Brazil.

Harvey

Lamont

05-25-2006, 08:20 PM

y2k3Joker

05-25-2006, 08:29 PM

should i ask TJ if he can bend the rules
JUST THIS ONCE
so i can post THE PROOF of the earthworm

Why don't we bring back sheri, to be the judge?

Lamont

05-25-2006, 08:40 PM

although sheri220 is CERTAINLY MUCH MUCH MUCH
MORE THAN QUALIFIED to be a judge in that area
im gonna have to pass

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Lex Luthor

05-25-2006, 08:59 PM

should i ask TJ if he can bend the rules
JUST THIS ONCE
so i can post THE PROOF of the earthworm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

( u know what they say about black men, especially black junkyard men!)
:grady: or maybe more like

:gary: ? :lol: :lol: :lol: :eek:

Was sherri's last name Bobbit? You can't claim it if someone else stole it
http://www.punchstock.com/image/creatas/6666287/large/15287-34cr.jpg

lilhave

05-26-2006, 05:52 AM

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Leaves

10. He charges you by the leaf

9. Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake

8. Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them

7. Says, "This'll just take a minute," and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline

6. Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog with a rake?"

5. Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back porch

4. You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial

3. Comes to your door and says, "I've had a long talk with the leaves, and they've decided to stay"

2. Constantly reminding you that he used to be famous for those "Home Alone" movies

1. His motto: rake a leaf, do a shot

Harvey

lilhave

05-26-2006, 05:53 AM

Rules for Visitors in Texas
Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. And don't assume that Waffle House grits are any more typical of grits in the Righteous South than McDonald's represents your best California dinner.
Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Bobby Sue, MaryBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's behind for less than that.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
Texas women don't take a fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies. And when they call you a Yankee it's NOT a compliment.
Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than a Texas team. All the others are a bunch of sissies who play Wyoming every week.
Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot. And more modest.
Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining, spend your money and go home.
No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction bothers us too.
Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
Don't try to talk with a Texas accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Texan wannabe.
Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry behind back home! As the famous bumpersticker says: "We don't care how you did it up north."
We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.

Harvey

lilhave

05-26-2006, 05:55 AM

Top Ten Signs You're Being Robbed By a Dumb Guy

10. The knife he's wielding bears the "Nerf" logo

9. Takes your wallet, then just stands there admiring your family snapshots

8. Despite the fake afro, it's perfectly clear that he's beloved actor Dick Van Patten

7. Gives you a phone number where he can be reached if you happen to come across any more cash in the next few days

6. Allows you to videotape him if you promise he'll be on "Cops"

5. Claims he has a gun in his pocket, but he's naked

4. Asks if he can use you as a reference for his next robbery

3. After surprising you at ATM machine, spends 40 minutes trying to guess your PIN number

2. His getaway plan: drug Gavin MacLeod and ride the "Love Boat" to Guam

1. Bets all your money on the Jets

Harvey

loren

05-26-2006, 06:50 AM

a texans defination of a yankee

anyone who lives north of his house

Anthony33

05-26-2006, 08:02 AM

Dude, you should send these in to Letterman, they're great top 10 lists.

lilhave

05-26-2006, 08:26 AM

Dude, you should send these in to Letterman, they're great top 10 lists.

My satisfaction is getting a smile from Anthony. Plus, Savage told me, if I get Anthony to post about the jokes, she would come to Brooklyn and spend time with me on the Coney Island beach, in the most secluded area. Now all I have to do is convince my wife there is a big sale at Wal-Mart. Now to pick my favorite color for the bikini.

Harvey

jennymcc

05-26-2006, 09:28 AM

Bets all your money on the Jets

I'm guessing ... you're either a frustrated Jets fan or a gloating Giants fan...

Go Giants!! ;)

lilhave

05-26-2006, 09:51 AM

I'm guessing ... you're either a frustrated Jets fan or a gloating Giants fan...

There is no team with maybe the exception of the Mets I hate more then then Gang Green. Was a Giant fan since a child and grew up in the glory years of the fearsome foursome, Greer, Modeleski, Katcavage and Robestelli, with Sam Huff to clog up the middle. What years, first Connerly as QB and then Y.A.

I must correct one statement I made. My most hated team and I was born six blocks away and lived their for the first 19 years of my life, was the Brooklyn Dodgers. A strong, strong, staunch Giant fan, in particular "say hey Willie"

Harvey

Go Giants!! ;)

y2k3Joker

05-26-2006, 10:17 AM

There is no team with maybe the exception of the Mets I hate more then then Gang Green.

hey, Hey, HEY !!!
Watch it there buddy.

Gang Green is represented on this board by yours truly so we'll have none of that talk around here or I'll get Fireman Ed to come a knockin' on your door.

http://blogdayafternoon.com/images/stories/0105/ed.jpg

J - E - T - S

JETS , JETS - JETS !!!

Lex Luthor

05-26-2006, 11:42 AM

http://www.allsports.com/store/images/items/010/010_2572508929.jpg

jennymcc

05-26-2006, 03:35 PM

http://giants.com/uploads/players/41200A2D16E94A2D95FC3E28E023ADC6.jpg

Tiki "Class Act" Barber

lilhave

05-26-2006, 03:45 PM

http://giants.com/uploads/players/41200A2D16E94A2D95FC3E28E023ADC6.jpg

Tiki "Class Act" Barber

You show im! Jenny. Now if we can get a quarterback. Every monday the sport pages say how Eli is improving and all I see is overthrown, underthrown, wide and garbage passes from Manning. May have to get involved in darts.

Harvey

giltdunn

05-26-2006, 05:24 PM

When are you guys going to start talking about real football!!!!

lilhave

05-26-2006, 05:32 PM

When are you guys going to start talking about real football!!!!

Well, the U.K. is heard from. Next Joker will tell us that curling is a sport. Lamont grew up on Tiddlywinks. Nuff said. Hated punch ball, thought it was to rough. While the boys played football Lamont helped his mother with the dollies. Ask him for his recipe on sponge cake. I think Loren was correct in what he told me in private about Lamont. Oops, can't find the edit key.

Harvey

loren

05-26-2006, 05:40 PM

When are you guys going to start talking about real football!!!!

right here gil

GREEN BAY PACKERS

WE HAVE SO MANY CHAMPIONSHIPS, WE HAD TO ENLARGE THE HALL OF FAME AGAIN

i know this wasnt a remark about soccer whne the --real- was dropped

was it

Lamont

05-26-2006, 07:48 PM

Well, the U.K. is heard from. Next Joker will tell us that curling is a sport. Lamont grew up on Tiddlywinks. Nuff said. Hated punch ball, thought it was to rough. While the boys played football Lamont helped his mother with the dollies. Ask him for his recipe on sponge cake. I think Loren was correct in what he told me in private about Lamont. Oops, can't find the edit key.

Harvey

Harvey its all true, and

ive got my heart set on you now big boy!

:loveya: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :eyes:
:eyes: :love: :heart: :ducky:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

lilhave

05-26-2006, 08:28 PM

Harvey its all true, and

ive got my heart set on you now big boy!

:loveya: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :eyes:
:eyes: :love: :heart: :ducky:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Before I didn't understand why Lamont sent me a dozen roses on Valentine's day. Now things are much clearer. Lamont is a perfect topic for the Jerry Springer show.

Harvey

Lamont

05-26-2006, 08:31 PM

harvey has spilled the beans!

:smooch: :bath :mango :fart:

:rainbow: :cow: :cow:
:sheep :sheep :sheep omg:

Lex Luthor

05-26-2006, 08:41 PM

Before I didn't understand why Lamont sent me a dozen roses on Valentine's day. Now things are much clearer. Lamont is a perfect topic for the Jerry Springer show.

Harvey

That's why you guys seem so informed when discussing each others snakes :lol:

Lamont

05-26-2006, 08:45 PM

for the record
neither Lilhave nor myself are actually homosexuals

we just play them on TV

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Lamont

05-26-2006, 08:46 PM

at least I'M not.....

Lex Luthor

05-26-2006, 08:56 PM

at least I'M not.....

LOL

well I think Harv's wife would vouch (unless she reads his posts) for him so we will just say you guys
are comfortable with your manhood.

lilhave

05-26-2006, 09:06 PM

LOL

well I think Harv's wife would vouch (unless she reads his posts) for him so we will just say you guys
are comfortable with your manhood.

This was a act on mine and Lamon's part to see where Cartoondvd stood. and I don't think cartoon is standing straight if you know what I mean. Wonder what's in his cartoons. I see why his favorite cartoon character is tweety bird.

Harvey

Lamont

05-26-2006, 09:09 PM

a big swerve by lilhave

one that would shock Vince McMahon! :eek:

Lex Luthor

05-26-2006, 09:43 PM

This was a act on mine and Lamon's part to see where Cartoondvd stood. and I don't think cartoon is standing straight if you know what I mean. Wonder what's in his cartoons. I see why his favorite cartoon character is tweety bird.

Harvey

Is that the best you got? Come on with all those years behind you you have to be able to get a better burn in than that.

I was expecting something witty and inciteful not an "i know you are but what am I response".

Now if you are going to throw cartoons in there pick Stewie or the Ambiguously Gay Duo to emphasize your point.

If you are gonna burn me try and make it a better one next time... maybe you just woke up from nap time???

Another time Highlander

BTW Harv no offence meant by the sarcasm I just figured you get a better run at me, i am sure there will more "battles". Looking forward to it

Cheers
Jay

lilhave

05-27-2006, 05:33 AM

Famous Mothers

The youngest mother whose history is authenticated is Lina Medina, who delivered a 6½-pound boy by cesarean section in Lima, Peru in 1939, at an age of 5 years and 7 months. The child was raised as her brother and only discovered that Lina was his mother when he was 10.

On April 9, 2003, Satyabhama Mahapatra, a 65-year-old retired schoolteacher in India, became the world's oldest mother when she gave birth to a baby boy. Satyabhama and her husband had been married 50 years, but this is their first child. The baby was conceived through artificial insemination using eggs from the woman's 26-year-old niece, Veenarani Mahapatra, and the sperm of Veenarani's husband.

Bobbie McCaughey is the mother who holds the record for the most surviving children from a single birth. She gave birth to the first set of surviving septuplets - four boys and three girls -on November 19, 1997, at the University Hospital, Iowa, US. Conceived by in vitro fertilization, the babies were delivered after 31 weeks by caesarean in the space of 16 minutes. The babies are named Kenneth, Nathaniel, Brandon, Joel, Kelsey, Natalie and Alexis.

Jayne Bleackley is the mother who holds the record for the shortest interval between two children born in separate confinements. She gave birth to Joseph Robert on September 3, 1999, and Annie Jessica Joyce on March 30, 2000. The babies were born 208 days apart.

Elizabeth Ann Buttle is the mother who holds the record for the longest interval between the birth of two children. She gave birth to Belinda on May 19,1956 and Joseph on November 20, 1997. The babies were born 41 years 185 days apart. The mother was 60 years old when her son Joseph was born.

The highest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69, to the first wife of Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782) of Shuya, Russia. Between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 confinements, she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. 67 of them survived infancy.

The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Leontina claims to be the mother of 64 children, of which only 55 of them are documented. She is listed in the 1999 Guinness World Records but dropped from later editions.

Katherine Hepburn's father was a surgeon and her mother was a dedicated suffragette and early crusader for birth control.

Kim Basinger's mother had been a champion swimmer who performed water ballets in several Esther Williams movies in the 1940s.

Laura Dern earned a Best Actress Oscar nomination for her illuminating performance as the title character in Rambling Rose, an underrated picture in 1991 that also won a Best Supporting Actress nomination for her mother, Diane Ladd. This was the first time a mother-daughter team had been so honored; they became the first mother and daughter ever nominated for Academy Awards for the same movie.

Madonna's mother died when she was five years old.

Phyllis Diller, a 40-year-old mother of five and an advertising copywriter for a California radio station, made a rousing comedy debut at San Francisco's Purple Onion in 1957.

American talk show host Conan O'Brien's father is Dr. Thomas O'Brien, a noted epidemiologist, the head of microbiology at Peter Brigham Hospital, and a professor at Harvard Medical School. His mother, Ruth Reardon O'Brien, was a partner at Ropes & Gray law firm outside Boston until her 1997 retirement.

Elvis Presley, was a mama's boy. He slept in the same bed with his mother, Gladys, until he reached puberty. Up until Elvis entered high school, she walked him back and forth to school every day and made him take along his own silverware so that he wouldn't catch germs from the other kids. Gladys forbade young Elvis from going swimming or doing anything that might put him in danger. The two of them also conversed in a strange baby talk that only they could understand.

Meredith Baxter-Birney played the mother, Elyse Keaton on the hit TV sitcom Family Ties. Her actress mother, Whitney Blake, also played a mom: Dorothy Baxter, on TV's Hazel.

James McNeill Whistler's best known painting, often called "Whistler's Mother," is actually titled "Arrangement in Black and Gray: The Artist's Mother."

Many of the sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on the popular television show, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, were actually knitted by his real mother.

Monkee Mike Nesmith's mother, Bette Nesmith Graham was the inventor of Liquid Paper correction fluid. She sold the rights to the Gillette Corporation in 1979 for $47.5 million and when she died in 1980, she left half of her fortune to her son Michael.

Eric Clapton was born to an unwed mother and to shield him from the shame, Eric grew up believing that his grandparents were his parents and his mother was his sister.

Hoyt Axton wrote Three Dog Night's "Joy To The World". His mother, Mae Axton wrote "Heartbreak Hotel" for Elvis Presley.

Harvey

lilhave

05-27-2006, 05:35 AM

You May Not Know This But Many Non-Living Things Have A Gender.

1. Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see Right through them.
2. Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4. A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have To light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part
5. Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6. A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7. A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the Bottom.
9. A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 Years, but it's handy to have around.
10. A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and While he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!

Harvey

lilhave

05-27-2006, 05:37 AM

Ineffective Daily Affirmations
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step, blaming my parents.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

No way will I accept YES for an answer !

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Harvey

Anthony33

05-27-2006, 05:40 AM

My satisfaction is getting a smile from Anthony. Plus, Savage told me, if I get Anthony to post about the jokes, she would come to Brooklyn and spend time with me on the Coney Island beach, in the most secluded area. Now all I have to do is convince my wife there is a big sale at Wal-Mart. Now to pick my favorite color for the bikini.

Harvey

You're from Brooklyn? Cool, I'm from Long Island.

Anthony33

05-27-2006, 05:43 AM

You show im! Jenny. Now if we can get a quarterback. Every monday the sport pages say how Eli is improving and all I see is overthrown, underthrown, wide and garbage passes from Manning. May have to get involved in darts.

Harvey

Hey, I'm a Giants fan too and I like Eli. Besides, didn't the Giants draft a backup QB this year? I also just heard on WFAN radio that they signed Rob Johnson as a backup QB, didn't he used to be a starter for the Bills?

lilhave

05-27-2006, 05:43 AM

You're from Brooklyn? Cool, I'm from Long Island.

Aren't you afraid, I'll stalk you. Belt to the cross Island and then the L.I.E., and when your not home, rob all your dvds.

Harvey

Anthony33

05-27-2006, 05:44 AM

Aren't you afraid, I'll stalk you. Belt to the cross Island and then the L.I.E., and when your not home, rob all your dvds.

Harvey

What, you have nothing better to do? Come on over, we'll watch some together. :lol:

Or maybe go to a Giants game. Or maybe baseball, who do you like Mets or Yankees?

lilhave

05-28-2006, 05:44 AM

How To Save The Airline Industry & Stop Muslim Hijackings

TO: Federal Aviation Administration

Our airline industry is in real trouble, and it's time to start fixing this before it's too late. To that end, here are some modest suggestions:

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Harvey

lilhave

05-28-2006, 05:45 AM

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Time wounds all heels.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh . . . Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is . . . I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Harvey

lilhave

05-28-2006, 05:47 AM

If you don't know where you're going, chances are you will end up somewhere else.

I really didn't say everything I said.

If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

It ain't the heat; it's the humility.

It's deja-vu all over again.

You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours.

The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands.

You can't think and hit at the same time.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

90% of the game is half mental.

It's never happened in the World Series history - and it hasn't happened since.

I'm as red as a sheet.

It's not too far, it just seems like it is.

If you don't set goals, you can't regret not reaching them.

Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting.

We were overwhelming underdogs.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

You mean now? (When asked for the time.)

We have a good time together, even when we're not together.

Little League baseball is a good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets and the kids out of the house.

The future ain't what it used to be.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Pair up in threes.

Don't get me right, I'm just asking.

I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question.

You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left.

90% of short putts don't go in.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself. (After being told he looked cool.)

We're lost, but we're making great time!

If people don't want to come to the ball park, how are you going to stop them?

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. (Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "Bearer".)

I'd say he's done more than that. (When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.)

He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light. (On the acquisition of Rickey Henderson.)

I knew exactly where it was, I just couldn't find it.

If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces. I'm not hungry enough to eat eight.

I don't know, I'm not in shape yet. (When asked what size cap he wanted.)

I want to thank you for making this day necessary. (On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in 1947.)

I don't remember leaving, so I guess we didn't go.

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. (When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.)

I usually take a two hour nap, from one to four.

Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have made it before he died.

It gets late early out there. (Referring to the sun conditions in left field at the stadium.)

It was hard to have a conversation with anyone - there were too many people talking.

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

Texas has a lot of electrical votes. (During an election campaign - after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.)

You can observe a lot just by watching.

No, you didn't wake me up. I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.

I really liked it. Even the music was good. (When asked if he liked the opera one evening.)

Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.

Shut up and talk.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" To this, Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

Carmen said "I took Tim to see Doctor Zhivago today." Yogi replied, "What the hell's wrong with him now?"

Harvey

neuroslicer

05-28-2006, 09:15 PM

Viaduct? Vhy notta horse?

sbeamish

05-28-2006, 10:21 PM

I think it was Chico who said, "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

robyrob

05-29-2006, 09:49 AM

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

savageamusement

05-29-2006, 01:17 PM

(laughing hysterically)
That was PRICELESS RObyROb

#1MrTerrificFan

05-29-2006, 07:08 PM

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
There was a similar quote: "Who are you going to believe, me or those crooked x-rays?"

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Sounds like one of Chico's lines in the film "Monkey Business".

tv star collector

05-29-2006, 07:45 PM

"The one .. the ONLY ... Groucho!" (as announcer George Fenneman so aptly
put it on the classic quiz show YOU BET YOUR LIFE). Thanks for posting those
great quotes (why not add four more quotes and make it a gallon?).

lilhave

05-30-2006, 04:58 AM

There are over 58 million dogs in the U.S!

Dogs and cats consume over $11 billion worth of pet food a year!

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year!
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!

Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate

A fetus develops fingerprints at eighteen weeks!

The fear of vegetables is called Lachanophobia!..

There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world!

Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum!

An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards!

A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day!

Honolulu is the only place in the United States that has a royal palace!

One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water!

More money is spent on gardening than on any other hobby!

In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds!

Rice paper does not have any rice in it!

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day!

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The blesbok, a South African antelope, is almost the same color as grapejuice!

The average person laughs 13 times a day!

Dogs can hear sounds that you cant!

Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!

Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words -- none of them with the letter E!

Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions!

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!

Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States!

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

Saturday mail delivery in Canada was eliminated by Canada Post on February 1, 1969!

In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!

There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal Crackers cookie zoo!

Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane as a precaution!

Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card!

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!

There is one slot machine in Las Vegas for every eight inhabitants!

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off!

Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!

The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year!

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia!

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders!

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!

A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel!

A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile!

The Philadelphia mint produces 26 million pennies per day!

A lightning bolt generates temperatures five times hotter than those found at the sun's surface!

A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!

It is estimated that 4 million "junk" telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machine are made every day in the United States!

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill!

Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and Canada!

The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows!

Most lipstick contains fish scales!

Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing!

One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen!

It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis!

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum!

No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein!

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!

There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building!

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive!

A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth!

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

Clinophobia is the fear of beds!

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!

Porcupines float in water!

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye"!

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet!

The average life span of a major league baseball is 5-7 pitches!

The Mint once considered producing doughnut-shaped coins!

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!

The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur!

Cat urine glows under a black-light!

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist!

Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland!

A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average!
Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand!

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times!

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks!

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night!

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone!

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside!

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove!

Hummingbirds can weigh less than a penny!!

Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it's known as Tennessee!

The Earth weighs around 6,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons (5,940 billion billion metric tons)!

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation!

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie!

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year!

It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television!

The average American/Canadian will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year!

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a certain church in Omaha, Nebraska!

you're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete!

Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!

The state of Florida is bigger than England!

There are more than one million animal species on Earth!

In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits

Harvey

It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!

lilhave

05-30-2006, 05:01 AM

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit? < B>
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Harvey

lilhave

05-30-2006, 05:03 AM

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

Harvey

lilhave

05-31-2006, 05:00 AM

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella.

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Harvey

lilhave

05-31-2006, 05:03 AM

Diary Of A Viagra Housewife
Dear Diary
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us". (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head (no pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF!! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 13
I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous," and he still keeps coming after me! I wish he was gay.
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me Sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: Stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.

Harvey

lilhave

05-31-2006, 05:05 AM

God Speaks

Some new billboards are getting deserved attention in Dallas, the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
We need to talk. -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
I love you and you and you and you and... -God
Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
Follow me. -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
My way is the highway. -God
Need directions? -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
Don't make me come down there. -God

Harvey

lilhave

06-01-2006, 04:35 AM

Inventions

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Frisbee originated in the 1950s, when Yale students started
the practice of playing catch with the pie-tins put out by the
Frisbie Baking Company of Bridgeport, Connecticut. The company
went out of business in 1957, but a few of their "5 cent deposit"
pie-tins remain and are being hoarded by avid Frisbee collectors.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing
the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float.
Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated,
and it has floated ever since. [It floats in gasoline, too.]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fortune cookies were invented in America in 1918 by Charles
Jung.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bubble gum contains rubber.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The world's largest coffee pot is located in Davidson,
Saskatchewan. It measures 24 Feet(7.3 Meters) tall, is made of
sheet metal and could hold 150,000 8 ounce cups of coffee.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pharaohs of ancient Egypt invented and wore garments made
with thin threads of beaten gold. Some fabrics had up to 500 gold
threads per one inch of cloth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miller Reese of New York, patented the first hearing-aid.
Unlike the hearing aids that we know today - this original was
not portable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first razor with disposable blades was patented by King Camp
Gillette.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers were all invented by women.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola,
apple, and chocolate.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Henry Waterman invented the elevator in 1850. He intended
it to transport barrels of flour.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Greenwood invented the dental drill in 1790.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The corkscrew was invented by M.L. Bryn in 1860.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Electrical hearing aids were invented in 1901 by Miller R.
Hutchinson.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Jonas Salk developed the vaccine for polio in 1952.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four wheel roller skates - James L. Plimpton in 1863.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Henry Ford, of Model T. fame operated a sawmill in the early
1900s. Hating waste, he wondered what he could do with a growing
pile of scrap wood. He came up with the idea of converting the
wood into charcoal powder and compressing it into the now
familiar briquet shape. A relative of Ford's, E.G. Kingsford,
collaborator on the project.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More than 5,000 years ago, the Chinese discovered how to make
silk from silkworm cocoons. For about 3,000 years, the Chinese
kept this discovery a secret. Because poor people could not
afford real silk, they tried to make other cloth look silky.
Women would beat on cotton with sticks to soften the fibers.
Then they rubbed it against a big stone to make it shiny. The
shiny cotton was called "chintz." Because chintz was a cheaper
copy of silk, calling something "chintzy" means it is cheap and
not of good quality.

Harvey

lilhave

06-01-2006, 04:40 AM

Funny isn't it?
Funny how a $20 bill looks so big when you take it to church, but
so small when you take it to the market.
Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour, but how quickly a
team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short
they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't
have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes into sudden
death, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular
time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the bible, but how easy
it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or concert,
but scramble to get a back seat at church services.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a church event
into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at
the last moment.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple gospel well
enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to
understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspaper say, but question what the
Bible says
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have
to believe, or to think, or to say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they
spread like wildfire,but when you start sending messages regarding
the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Harvey

lilhave

06-01-2006, 04:43 AM

British Double Entendres

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Harvey

lilhave

06-02-2006, 05:56 AM

Haircuts
The Difference Between Men And Women
Womens Version:

Woman-2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman-1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman-2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman-1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman-2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman-1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Harvey

lilhave

06-02-2006, 05:58 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Car Has To Be Recalled

10. Windshield wipers are on the inside

9. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral

8. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and physically turn wheels

7. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1"

6. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always on fire!

5. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck

4. Horn only audible to dogs

3. Bucket seats? Actual buckets

2. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote 'Christine'".

1. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of James Brolin

Harvey

lilhave

06-02-2006, 06:01 AM

New State Mottos

Alabama:

Like the third world, but closer.

Don't tell MS, but we're ALL sportin' boners right now!

Because SC is a Little Too Progressive for Some of Us

Keeping it in the family since 1819.

Alaska:

Colder Than a Witch's Tit -- and Prettier, Too!
Yeah, but it's a dry cold.

We Get to Kill Whales and You Don't!
We're cold and lonely: LET US HAVE OUR POT BACK!

Arizona:

The Pacific Coast State!

Oh, crap. I guess now WE'RE gonna need a new motto, too.

Arkansas:

It's Trailer-rific!!!

Honest, we were just try'n to get that sheep back over the fence.
Attention, K-Mart Shoppers!

California:

Caution: Large Fake Breasts On Board!
With Satan, too, all things are possible -- and way more fun!

What the hell's up with VT???

Silicon Valley in the North, Silicone Hills in the South!

Colorado:

Now 100% John Denver free!

Connecticut:

The "C" is Silent, C*******!

Florida:

Half a Million Cubans Can't All Be Wrong
Hey you kids, get off of my state!

We make the US look like it's pissing on Cuba.

So close, you can smell Fidel.

The Phallic Symbol State

More than just a great place to die.

Now With 25% More Cubans!

Where the 3 R's are for Rednecks, Retirees and Raft Arrivals
With Elian gone and Spring Break over, we're once again safe for Grandma.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... and we'll send 'em back to you free of charge!

Come See Your Grandparents Before They Die

Hawaii:

Why Does Everybody Think Putting Ham and Pineapple on Something Makes it "Hawaiian"?

Idaho:

You Can Be Da Ho Next!

Get Your Whites Their Whitest!

Cogito ergo spud: I think, therefore I yam.

Illinois:

Stop pronouncing the "S", or we're gonna kick your ass!
The "I See Dead Voters" State

Indiana:

Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!
Where EVERY year is 1957.

Iowa:

Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk
Our Trees Bend North Because Minnesota Sucks.

Kansas:

We aren't all that crazy about Newton and his "gravity", either.
More hills than Nebraska!

Kentucky:

Come for the Bluegrass -- Stay for the Incest!
Shallowest gene pool in the Union
We've Heard ALL the Hillbilly Jokes, So Don't Even Bother.

Massachusetts:

Now with 30% fewer Kennedys!

Michigan:

It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold.

Auto strikes, disgruntled postal workers, and a surplus of Canadians, oh my!

Forget Detroit, it's actually part of Canada.

Minnesota:

First Line of Defense Against the Canadians

Those guys in Fargo lived in ND, okay?

Mississippi:

We're Hard-on Crime
Foiling Spelling Bees for over 150 years
Keeping Louisiana from being last in *every* quality of life category.

Don't even *think* about it, Chester!

Missouri:

Missouri Loves Company
(

Montana:

One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. Unless, of course, you don't believe in that sort of thing, in which case you can find a patch of land, build and arsenol, write a manefesto and start your own damned government.

Anti-Government-Isolationist-Compound Conventions Welcome!
Now with 50% fewer radical dissidents.

Nebraska:

The "N" is for "Knowledge!"
(You're Not in Kansas Anymore!

New Jersey:

Come for the beaches. Stay for the gambling, crack and hookers.
What smell?

Home of Jimmy Hoffa's grave... somewhere.

Hey, Quit Laughing!!

All those chemical waste sites and Trump's Taj Mahal, too!

New York:

The Go F#@$% Yourself State

New Safe Version -- Now With 30% Fewer Murders!

Just try to spend more for gas!

Come for the skyline, stay because you were mugged and don't have money for a taxi to the airport.
(

North Carolina:

Sure, we've got weird, blue-skinned, inbred mountain dwellers, but at least we don't still fly the confederate flag!

North Dakota:

Last one to leave, turn out the light.
You probably don't want to visit any more than we want to live here.

Ohio:

We're Full of Inbreds, Too -- We Just Have a Better PR Firm.

It's more than just "hello" in Japanese.
With God, All Things Are Possible -- and a little hush money to the Supreme Court doesn't hurt, either

In God We Trust (C'mon -- we dare you to strike *this* one down!)

With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible.
(

Oklahoma:

We're like the Canada of TX!

Oklahoma: Named After an Indian Tribe We Slaughtered

Oregon:

Home of quality babes like Tonya Harding and Monica Lewinski.

Pennsylvania:

Under Construction
With goats, all things are possible.

Rhode Island:

Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It

Yes, we know what a "peninsula" is.

South Carolina:

Oh, yeah -- like *we're* going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott.
Ya don't think removin' that flag changes nothin', do ya, boy?
If at first you don't secede: try, try again.
(The OTHER white state.

South Dakota:

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here!

Tennessee:

The Darwin State

Established in 1796 by Al Gore

Texas:

We Let America See Our Bush!
The Criminal's Lethal Injection Connection

We Kill 'em So YOU Don't Have To
We put the "Ex" in "execution"!

Better Behave, or We'll Fry Your Ass
With your father as ex-president, all things are possible.

West Virginia:

Got Teeth?
Because somebody has to make Virginia look good.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The State of Brotherly and Sisterly Love

Oh, honestly, people. We have a world-class orchestra. We have a university. We... hey, Joe-Bob, pass me the chewin' tobakky, willya?
(

Utah:

Now open 7 days a week.

Michael Jackson is *almost* white enough to live here now.
With OUR God, all things are possible.
It really sucked giving up multiple wives.
Putting the "white" in "red, white, and blue."

Vermont:

We don't care who you marry, as long as we get the license fee.

Virginia:

Contrary to our name, our women are actually pretty slutty!

Washington:

Come for the Protests -- Stay for the Coffee!
Where even the Tear Gas is environmentally friendly.
With Gates, all things are possible.

Wisconsin:

Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' badgers.
Cutting the Cheese Since 1848

You're Among Cows.

Puerto Rico:

Ready to Screw Up 40 Years of Flag Symmetry
Dumb Guys Think We're a State!
(We want statehood! No, we don't! Yes, we do!

Victoria:

Ever-tolerant of those xenophobic bastards in the Northern Hemisphere

Canada:

It's only a matter of time.

Harvey

gilligan fanatic

06-02-2006, 12:54 PM

New State Mottos

Virginia:

Contrary to our name, our women are actually pretty slutty!

Harvey

And that's a bad thing? ;)

jhoover

06-02-2006, 01:31 PM

West Virginia: "Ya know, A good sheep'll do that to ya."

KonfusionFTC

06-02-2006, 09:04 PM

haahahahah at the man part

jie3

06-02-2006, 10:50 PM

Or the more sarcastic answer:

Man 1: Get a hair cut?

Man 2: No, I got them all cut. :lol:

J

lilhave

06-03-2006, 05:24 AM

What Every Man Expects In A Wife

She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick -- just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "Can I get you guys another round of beers?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.

What He Usually Gets

She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a dump truck company.
Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
She's a light eater. Once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults. Everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

Harvey

lilhave

06-03-2006, 05:26 AM

Food & Drink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During an average person's life, they will consume about 60,000
pounds of food.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average American will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per
year.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coca-cola was originally green.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The world's oldest piece of chewing gums is 9000 years old.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and
about a gallon to clean the pot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cream does not weigh as much as milk.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other
nation.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only food that does not spoil: honey

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almonds are members of the peach family.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a
fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in
sixteen rows.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to
the production of Guinness beer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Japan meat from the 'Fugu' or spiny puffer fish is considered
a rare delicacy, however the liver and intestines contain a
powerful neuro-toxin and the slightest contamination during
preparation can be deadly. Restaurants who serve fugu must have
'Fugu certified' chefs. In Japan about one hundred people on
average die annually from fugu poisoning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Broccoli is a vegetable with a nervous system. Primitive though
it may be, it CAN feel pain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is believed ALL citrus fruits derived from the Chinese orange.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

lilhave

06-03-2006, 05:28 AM

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (The Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Harvey

lilhave

06-03-2006, 11:54 AM

Quiz: How observant are you?

Get a piece of paper to write down your answers to 30 questions and then check them at the end!! DON'T CHEAT! If you do cheat, it really is not all that much fun! And, yes, the answers are at the bottom of the page, but don't cheat - you can do it!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? ( don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What 2 letters don't appear on the telephone dial? ( no cheating)!
6. What 2 telephone #'s don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On our flag, is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest # on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even # pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which card is the cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a one dollar bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
29. How many curves are in a standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

Here are the answers! No peeking!!!! Scroll Down! I said no peeking!!!!!

1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
3. right
4. blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold ( Did you see blue? i didn't)
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
7. left
8 20
9. red
10. 88
11. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
12. towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Right
15. top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8 What about the front side and back side? I think it also could be.
19. left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 6 it's really 8. (someone messed up here.)
24. did you notice there wasn't one? (question was NOT included when I got the quiz..sorry)
25. Ace of spades
26. left
27. ONE
28. *, #
29. 3
30. counter

Scoring

30-28 Mensa is calling, genius
25-27 Not too shabby
20-24 You could do better
16-19 McDonald's is calling (would you like fries w/ that)?
15-00 Shucks! Being blind wouldn't affect you one bit!

Harvey

lilhave

06-04-2006, 06:36 AM

Hiker's Comments
A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers:

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

Harvey

lilhave

06-04-2006, 06:38 AM

Top 14 Sports Phrases Used During the Sex Championships

"It's gonna take a minute for him to reload the chamber."

"He's gonna land in the Penalty Box for hooking."

"She's going for a new record in the clean and jerk."

"Looks like he been spending too much time "choking the coach.""

"He appeared to come out of nowhere."

"And there's the two-minute warning!"

"Now he's got three balls on 'im."

"Ooh -- that's gonna leave a mark!"

"Now they're gonna go man-to-man."

"Time out while he dons the protective gear."

"Unbelievable! Cox has gone to the mound eleven times tonight. That's gotta be a record!"

"Looks like he's a couple of inches short."

"They're bringing out the chains."

and the Number 1 Sports Phrase Used During the Sex Championships...

"GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLL!!! GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLL!!! GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLL!!!"

Harvey

lilhave

06-04-2006, 06:40 AM

The Top 17 Signs a Drug Should Be Recalled

It seems to cause your middle finger to remain erect for hours while you do your holiday shopping.

Rather than a warning about four-hour boners, this ED drug warns about four-INCH boners.

Unexplained hair growth -- on the pills themselves.

Heading up the recall campaign committee: Keith Richards and Iggy Pop.

You heart beats so fast it bursts out of your chest and finishes your morning jog before you do.

Although the drug has curbed your suicidal tendencies, genocide is suddenly gaining appeal.

Your stools are looser than a Quaaluded Madonna at a USO show.

The directions specify quite adamantly that you *must* operate heavy machinery while using it.

The only reason the FDA approved it was because Huey Lewis demanded it.

Side effects may include dizziness and vomiting. Then again, those could be due to your new Clay Aiken CD.

"Klingon face" is a common side effect of St. John's Worf.

Prolonged erections, while admittedly great, should NOT be a side-effect of a menopause-relief pill.

The experimental mice have begun building tiny wooden body carts and circulating through the cages collecting bodies.

Your new nickname: SpongeBob SquishPants

Sure, your genital warts are gone -- but unfortunately, so are your genitals.

It helped you hit 70 homers, but also makes you act like a jerk.

and the Number 1 Sign a Drug Should Be Recalled...

Every time you try to dial the side-effect hotline, your new lobster arm swats the phone from your hand and clamps your nose with its pincers.

Harvey

lilhave

06-05-2006, 05:32 AM

You know you're a redneck when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Harvey

lilhave

06-05-2006, 05:34 AM

The Top 12 Signs You've Joined
the Wrong Martial Arts School
(Part I)

Lesson 1: A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says "Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers."

All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling trophies.

Due to a misspelling of "Martial Arts" on the door, half the class shows up with vibrators and lotions.

Other students show up with sketchbooks.

Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders and co-ordinating ascots.

Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye can see", you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking going on.

The lesson keeps getting interrupted while the Master swaps french fry baskets.

As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor says "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong."

You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve masturbating and throwing feces at your attacker.

You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills in your g-string.

Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips in a seemingly unrelated manner.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...

At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just buy a friggin' gun."

Harvey

lilhave

06-05-2006, 05:36 AM

Classic Quotes - A Little Military Humor

At this command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'" GS-15 (SHAPE)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (EUCOM)

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It’s no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from
Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. -- COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(P) develops and implements their strategies.

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult task.

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR) [obviously this guy has been to the wrong parts of Paris...]

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM)

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM) -

Harvey

lilhave

06-06-2006, 06:02 AM

The Top 15 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Housekeeper

The good news: Her French maid outfit.
The bad news: Her beard and moustache.

Housekeepers.com instructs you to attach vacuum cleaner and mop to your computer's USB port.

Keeps looking nervously at the TV and asking if you're planning to watch America's Most Wanted.

Shows up wearing nothing but a strategically-placed feather duster. (Oops! That's a sign your *husband* hired the housekeeper.)

First question: "Do you fold your towels before you put them away?"

"Well, Mr. Kaelin, your credentials check out perfectly. You're hired."

She's great with the food budget -- but the hamsters are missing and last night's burgers tasted a bit funky.

You find a 4-lb. pork roast under the blanket in the nursery, and the baby wrapped in tinfoil in the freezer.

By the time you figured out that your brand-new deluxe model of the Housekeeping-Butler-Maid-o-matic was a bad idea, your wife has left you for the Business-Sportsman-Pornstar 3000.

"Sorry, but due to a recent federal ruling, I don't do Windows."

When confronted about nothing being cleaned, insists that "Scrubbing Bubbles does the work so I don't have too."

She doesn't do windows, but she *does* do your 14-year old son.

Well, they don't call him "Mr. French" because of his accent.

Scoot marks on the rug, and you don't even have a dog.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Housekeeper...

Does windows? Check.
Great with the kids? Check.
Greets your visitors with, "I KISS YOU!!!!"? Uh-oh.

lilhave

06-06-2006, 06:07 AM

Amazing-But-True Facts!

(The following have all been verified as true.)

Molecularly speaking, water is actually much drier than sand.

The term "bank teller" originated in the wake of the 1929 stock market crash, when banks began hiring low-paid workers to "tell" throngs of frantic depositors that their money was gone.

The brand name "Jelly Belly" was created in 1982 after Nancy Reagan made a much-publicized quip about her husband's 20-pound weight gain.

The Internal Revenue Service audits 87 percent of women who claim breast implants as tax deductions.

Scandinavian berserkers used to cut out their eyes before battle to spare themselves the sight of the carnage they invariably wrought.

Human tonsils can bounce higher than a rubber ball of similar weight and size, but only for the first 30 minutes after they've been removed.

Comic duo Cheech and Chong were originally known as Spic and Span before changing due to pressure from Chicano organizations.

The city of Slaughter, Texas (population: 11,284), has never had a homicide occur within its boundaries.

Rubbing Tabasco on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for sleep apnea.

British pop singer Baby Spice is the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Archduke William Pinkley-Hogue of Standishfordshire, making her 103rd in line for the throne of England.

The curved shape of a hockey stick is a throwback to prehistoric use of mastodon tusks in a similar game.

A Native American tribe in South Dakota collects bottle caps left by campers, using them as currency. Several banks in the area now recognize the caps as legal tender.

Fish have "dandruff" caused by flaking skin, and it is impossible to filter all traces of it from drinking water.

Moths are unable to fly during an earthquake.

The first case of the common cold was diagnosed in 1611 in Stratford, England. The patient? John Common, who coincidentally gave his cold to William Shakespeare who said the new malady exacerbated his lovesickness, thereby inspiring several of his most fondly remembered sonnets.

"Hello Kitty" began as part of a covert propaganda campaign originally proposed by Prime Minister Tojo during World War II.

When in heat, female hippopotami secrete an oil with a flavor similar to strawberries. Kalahari bushmen use the oil to make flat-bread treats for children.

If an average human scrotum were stretched until all its wrinkles were smoothed out, it could hold a basketball.

Ingesting small doses of ink over an extended period of time will change your eye color slightly.

To commemorate ratification of the 19th Amendment in 1920, U.S. playing card manufacturers replaced "staffs" with "hearts" as the fourth suit in the deck. The world soon followed.

In 1960, a then-unknown Dan Rather auditioned for the voice of cartoon character Dudley Do-Right but was turned down by animator/director Jay Ward.

When subjected to an electric current of at least 50 volts, a cat's tail always points toward the north.

If the current trend continues, by the year 2215 midgets will outnumber "normal-sized" people.

Scientists estimate that sleep lost due to daylight saving time reduces the average lifespan by nearly two full months.

In the late '90s, Microsoft secretly developed its own version of Linux, but shelved it after quality control researchers deemed it "too stable."

No NCAA basketball team from a school located in its state's capital has ever won the national championship.

The African black rhinoceros excretes its own weight in dung every 48 hours.

The top three names for female babies born in China last year were Huan Yue, Jia Li and -- unlikely as it seems -- Buffy.

Peter Maas, creator of the character Serpico, got his character's name from an ultra-expensive, highly-prized Malaysian liqueur made from fermented viper venom.

Shortly before his execution, Timothy McVeigh constructed a scale model of the Lincoln Memorial with soda crackers.

There have been four documented cases of humans who have hibernated through an entire winter.

Strains of bacteria similar to E. coli have been found in spent printer cartridges -- but only in the cyan ones. Scientists have no explanation.

The four different people who, at various times, tried -- and failed -- to become the Guinness Book of World Records' "Human Milkshake Volcano" by drinking five gallons of milk and then riding the Six Flags Screaming' Eagle roller coaster all shared the same birthday: September 18, 1970.

The Australian aborigine language has over 30 words for "dust."

Anyone convicted of animal cruelty in Sedalia, Missouri, is sentenced to a month's confinement in the county animal shelter.

Fewer divorces occur in families in which the children wake their parents before 6 a.m. on Saturdays.

A futuristic automobile designed by Ford for the movie Blade Runner was produced and sold in limited quantities as the "Ford Harrison."

John F. Kennedy was an accomplished ventriloquist.

A bad case of laryngitis forced Abraham Lincoln to lip-sync the Gettysburg Address. The speech was actually delivered by an aide hidden beneath the stage.

A prominent organization of anthropologists has predicted that by the year 5000, humans will have two rectums, but only one nostril.

For over a decade, the number of drive-by shootings has been directly proportional to increased gas prices.

Two-thirds of all the world's coriander comes from a single valley in Italy.

As the sheer volume of Internet traffic has increased, the friction of the electrons passing around the planet has increased the overall global temperature by .07 degrees.

Contrary to popular belief, the white is not the healthiest part of an egg. It's actually the shell.

A comprehensive multi-year study using pattern-recognition software determined that Millard Fillmore is the most common identifiable U.S. president seen in cloud formations.

Baking soda and vinegar will make your scrambled eggs fluffier.

The first prototype defibrillators delivered 1,200 joules of electrical energy instead of the now standard 360, occasionally causing dead bodies to sit upright momentarily as though they were still alive.

Ancient Egyptians used molted cobra skins as condoms.

Using its anal sphincter muscle, the Mongolian tapir is capable of creating high-pitched tones that can be heard by dogs nearly 30 miles away.

Customs officials have dogs that are trained to distinguish between Cuban cigars and all other cigars.

Archimedes' screw was the basis for Max Factor's invention of the twisting lipstick holder.

A Tokyo inventor has developed a laptop computer whose battery is recharged by energy generated from the movement of the user's mouse, yet Sony lawyers have successfully blocked every attempt to produce a product using the technology.

Female black cats can actually see their shadows at night.

Ballpoint pens were invented by a Michigan scientist attempting to reduce the number of birds killed for their quills.

Glamorous movie star Brad Pitt once had a summer job posting warning signs at coal mine entrances.

The National Weather Service will pay $30 for the rights to any original photograph of lightning.

U.S. Army medics in World War I knew of the germ-fighting properties of rodent saliva and carried hamsters in their medical bags to sterilize wounds in the field.

An early draft of the Declaration of Independence included a line by Benjamin Franklin inviting King George to "kisse our collective arse."

Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is penguin urine.

The sound made when a duck passes gas is the precise acoustic opposite of its quack; if it does both simultaneously, there's no audible sound.

Contrary to their popular image as spinsters, the average librarian has 5.9 random sex partners per year.

The rhesus monkey is the only animal that can be taught to hum a tune.

With the exception of a small 200-square-mile section of Antarctica, every single square kilometer of dry land on the planet has been walked on by at least one human being.

In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi.

The increased electricity used by modern appliances is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa.

The idea for "tribbles" in "Star Trek" came from gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant.

Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises.

Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch.

Smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling.

The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.

The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned by Frank Sinatra.

The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 15 holes, and there's no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball.

Legislation passed during WWI making it illegal to say "gesundheit" to a sneezer was never repealed.

Manatees possess vocal chords which give them the ability to speak like humans, but don't do so because they have no ears with which to hear the sound.

SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.

Harvey

lilhave

06-06-2006, 06:09 AM

The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict

She calls to ask you the meaning of "conjugal."

Her new bumper sticker: "Convicts do it for life."

She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.

She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you're on opposite sides of the same window.

Your ex *is* a convict.

Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, "just like Uncle Snake!"

You hear her asking the kids if the "screws" at daycare are treating them right.

Your children's response to why drugs are bad is "they violate your parole."

You're spending another weekend with the kids because "Mommy's visiting the Conjugals."

She boasts: "He's a former child TV star!"

Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Ex is Dating a Convict...

Her license plate is autographed.

Harvey

Anthony33

06-07-2006, 12:45 AM

Geez, I don't even know who would want to verify most of those. :lol:

loren

06-07-2006, 01:45 AM

ok mr harvey

wisconsin won the ncaa basketball tourney in 1941

they are from madison, the state capital

so that fact is bullsquat for sure

perhaps even michigan state as well, but there are those who would argue what city the colelege is in

Famous Mortimer

06-07-2006, 04:02 AM

They're obviously jokes-

In the late '90s, Microsoft secretly developed its own version of Linux, but shelved it after quality control researchers deemed it "too stable."
Come on. Most of them are too stupid to be funny.

lilhave

06-07-2006, 05:33 AM

They're obviously jokes-

Come on. Most of them are too stupid to be funny.

You tell im! Morty. Wolfie told they were authentic. Would he lie to me.?

Harvey

lilhave

06-07-2006, 05:35 AM

Subject: Management Lesson #1

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you."

The girl said, " NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

Management Lesson #1: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Harvey

lilhave

06-07-2006, 05:38 AM

Strange 'Puns'

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Harvey

lilhave

06-07-2006, 05:39 AM

The Top 11 Signs You're Gambling at a Bad Casino

Complimentary drink is the water in which they boiled the complimentary hot dogs.

You are told to wait for more people to lose money before you can cash in your $100 chip.

The "roulette wheel" is clearly stolen from Milton Bradley's Life game.

"Hi. My name's Yassir, and welcome to Jericho Casino."

When the dealer gets a blackjack, you have to remove an article of clothing.

Roulette croupier keeps asking if you want to buy a vowel.

If having to yell "BINGO!" weren't bad enough, there's a topless octogenarian serving you drinks.

The roulette wheels also have "000" and "0000".

Just when you're starting to see some good cleavage, the cocktail waitress covers his ass with a tray.

The entrance is littered with guys with broken kneecaps.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Gambling at a Bad Casino...

Sign in front: "Over 11 million screwed."

Harvey

lilhave

06-08-2006, 05:18 AM

The Top 14 Signs You Chose the Wrong Airline

"If there's a mechanical engineer on board, or even someone who's mechanically inclined, please report immediately to the cockpit."

Four states and a seatmate's life story later, you realize the plane is not on I-95 just to taxi to the runway.

The complimentary beverage is Zima laced with horse tranquilizer.

"...and a special welcome to the Association of Parents with Colicky Triplets!"

Relaxing music for take off is Buddy Holly's Greatest Hits.

Phish Air's complimentary bong hits are soured by overwhelming stench of patchouli oil, sweat and nine-year-old Birkenstocks.

The pilot for your trans-Atlantic crossing? Captain Nemo.

"And we'd like to welcome all our friends from the Islamic Jihad soccer team..."

"We only have one peanut, so just suck on it for a minute and then pass it back."

During her pre-flight demonstration, the flight attendant accidentally inflates her colostomy bag.

"In case of a water landing, that tubby guy in seat 19F will double as a flotation device."

After a flock of birds slams into your window, and an attack of vertigo, you begin to think "North By Northwest Airlines" was a bad choice.

"Our in-flight movie this evening will be camcorder footage from my daughter Ashley's Little League game last night."

and the Number 1 Sign You Chose the Wrong Airline...

The pre-flight safety video shows a pair of lips, an ass, and the word "Goodbye" printed in twelve different languages.

Harvey

lilhave

06-08-2006, 05:20 AM

The Top 15 Reasons You Didn't
Win the Nobel Prize This Year

Your only "research project" culminated in an email to your co-workers describing the physiological traits of Hooters waitresses.

You beat Wilt's record at 20,001, but no one wants to disrespect a dead man.

"Peace prize?!? Oh man, I thought you said 'piece' prize! Do you think I could have my Polaroids back?"

You had to send one too many letter bombs in order to get your thesis published.

Previous winner: Took vow of poverty and fed starving children. You: Held best friend at gunpoint in your Bronco -- and you *still* haven't found the real killers.

Your paper: "The Economics of Supersizing It: The Marginal Utility of Fry-Drink Augmentation"

Just couldn't come up with a good rhyme for "Pawtucket."

Your project suffered when your intellectual inspiration, Al Gore , dropped out of the presidential race.

Your "perpetual motion machine" looks suspiciously like a drinking bird toy.

For your entire career, your "booger physics" and "snot as an adhesive" research has been largely ignored.

It seems the Heisman folks aren't the only ones who frown on stealing clothing.

That radio feller musta been mistaken when he said folks have won for their work on fishin'.

You were supposed to clone the entire sheep, not just "the naughty bits."

Whitey don't give no Nobel Prize for Rap, so who gives a @$%*!?

and the Number 1 Reason You Didn't Win the Nobel Prize This Year...

Your field: biology.
Your state: Kansas.

Harvey

lilhave

06-08-2006, 05:23 AM

The Top 14 Worst Operas

La Travolta

The Pirates of My Pants

The Oozing Dutchman

Gallagher's Watermelon Lake

Il Deliveranze (starring Ned Beatty as baritone in Act I, soprano in Act II)

The Barbara of Mandrell

Carmen II: Revenge of the Bull

Deflated Mouse: Tragedy at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Cats II: The spaying

Cartman

Don Giuliani

Gotterdammerongnumber

How Othello Got His Groove Back

and the Number 1 Worst Opera...

Porky & B-b-b-b-bess

Harvey

down2ozz

06-08-2006, 06:24 AM

my have list is at http://www.freewebs.com/down2ozz/nonretailtv.htm
just trying to get my hands on these shows right now. thanks for looking.

daria(disc 2 of the 7 disc set)
just shoot me
mr. belvedere
that's my bush
the wonder years( i have the 7 disc set, i'm looking to upgrade)
the nanny

jhoover

06-08-2006, 10:19 AM

LOL.

:D

Lamont

06-08-2006, 09:35 PM

i thought it said BAD HAIRLINE! :lol:

lilhave

06-09-2006, 05:52 AM

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
do you want?

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried it.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is
a few minutes of their time each day.

Harvey

lilhave

06-09-2006, 05:54 AM

The Animal Kingdom

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than a
Black Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans
because their jaws won't open wide enough.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil,
Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Giraffes are the only animals born with horns. Both males and
females are born with bony knobs on the forehead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire
town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, making the catfish rank
#1 for animal having the most taste buds.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth
from 1.8 miles away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its
head.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elephant's trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Although beavers live near rivers, streams and lakes - they do
not eat fish. Beavers eat only plants. They eat poplar trees,
carrots, cattail, mushrooms, potatoes, berries, water plants,
swamp wood, and fruit. Soft bark is the main food for a beaver.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blindfolded dolphin can find a nickel at the bottom of its
tank.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grasshoppers have white blood.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue
living.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Russian Blue is a breed of cat prone to having an extra toe.
Six toed cats are so common in Boston and surrounding parts of
Massachusetts that some experts consider it an established
mutation.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a
cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All porcupines float in water.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only animals who have sex for pleasure are humans and
dolphins.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean
elephants.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only
animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife
swap' and indulge in group sex.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels
off several times a year with new growth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cats have a third eyelid, called a haw, which is rarely visible.
If it is visible it could be an indication of ill health.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Polar bears are left-handed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Butterflies taste with their feet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bats always turn left when they exit a cave.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are
people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only insect that can turn it's head is a praying mantis.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms per day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

St. Bernard dogs do not carry kegs of brandy, and never have. A
famous Alpine rescue dog, Barry, who saved the lives of 41
persons 170 years ago, was so well loved that a commemorative
portrait was painted of him. The artist, apparently thinking the
detail added interest, drew a brandy keg around Barry's neck,
launching the "tradition" that lives on today.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In his book "The Insects", naturalist Url N. Lanham reports that
the aphid reproductive cycle is so rapid that the females are
born pregnant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is
common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was
Fred.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can tell a turtle's sex by the noise it makes. Males grunt,
females hiss.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Camel's milk does not curdle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The starfish is the only animal that can turn it's stomach inside
out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The elephant is the only mammal that is unable to jump.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average airspeed of the common housefly is 4 1/2 mph.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A housefly beats its wings about 20,000 times per minute.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Katydid hears through holes in it's hind legs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up.
The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling
out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all
of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down
again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in
the air is a skein.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A group of frogs is called an army.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the
same sex.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get
leprosy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Armadillos can be housebroken.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a
building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving
than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly
takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is
occurring, relax and correct itself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several
weeks until it starves to death.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mosquitoes have teeth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The penguin is the only bird that can swim but not fly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slugs have 4 noses.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who
have recently eaten bananas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any
food.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite the many rat-infested slums in New York City, rats bite
only 311 people in an average year. But 1,519 residents are
bitten annually by other New Yorkers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have
the same pattern of whiskers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A jellyfish is 95% water.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pink Elephants? In regions of India where the soil is red -
elephants take on a permanent pink tinge because they regularly
spray dust over their bodies to protect themselves against
insects.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Horses and rabbits cannot vomit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The length of a gorilla's penis is 1/3 that of a human.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smartest dogs: (in order)
1) border collie
2) poodle
3) golden retriever.
Dumbest dog: Afghan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, which is like a
human jumping the length of two football fields.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A shrimp's heart is located in its head.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been
hit by a lightning strike.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A porpoise swims slowly in a circle as it sleeps.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

Harvey

lilhave

06-09-2006, 05:56 AM

The Top 11 Signs Someone's Been
Using Your Hotmail Account

"Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you're strictly a goat porno kind of guy.

You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and Chris White is on the cover of Business Week.

Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your Mom.

Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

and the Number 1 Sign Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account...

"The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

Harvey

lilhave

06-10-2006, 07:05 AM

The Top 13 Signs You're About to
Board an Unsafe Amusement Park Ride

The ride operator's name tag reads "Crack Pipe Joe."

"As seen in Thelma and Louise"

Admission ticket has an "Organ Donor" check box.

Mechanically, it's fine, but Reverend Falwell says if you ride it, you'll become a homosexual.

Safety certificate issued by Boulder, Colorado, Police Department.

Kids are screaming "Look, Ma! No hands!" as they come *off* the ride.

At the beginning of the line is an upright casket with the sign, "You must not be taller than this."

Most coasters are made of wood or iron. This one's made of wicker.

Every time you ask if it's safe, Dustin Hoffman spits out another tooth at you.

Missing padded safety straps have been replaced with piano wire and twine.

Vultures aren't circling overheard -- they're on the ground and have already finished their salad course.

Booth next door: "Identify a Body! Win a Prize! Three Tries For A Dollar!"

and the Number 1 Sign You're About to Go On an Unsafe Amusement Park Ride...

Ride is operated by a slack-jawed, dead-eyed yokel who dropped out of grammar school, has drunk enough 151 rum to kill Keith Richards but is still on his feet and mumbling because all the speed he did has kept him awake for the past three days. Oh, wait -- that's EVERY carnival ride!

Harvey

lilhave

06-10-2006, 07:07 AM

The Top 12 Signs Your Football Team
Won't Get to the Super Bowl

Your quarterback gets sacked more often than a busy hooker.

Management's moving of the training camp to Lourdes should have been your first clue.

I don't care how much money they paid, it's just impossible to play serious football in Mary Kaye Stadium!

The backfield refuses to practice on Thursdays: "It's Will & Grace night!!!"

Sportswriters compare your star running back to Sanders -- *Colonel* Sanders.

New conditioning coach's warm-up drill: A brisk 15-minute Macarena.

Your team is now run by the Kansas Board of Education, and they've decided not to allow tackling to be taught.

Good news: Nobody tested positive! Bad news: It was a playbook quiz.

You're fastest player's sprinting time is measured in fortnights.

"Now starting at running back for the Detroit Lions, number... ah, who gives a ****?"

Team refuses to stop holding hands -- even *after* they leave the huddle.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Football Team Won't Get to the Super Bowl...

Even though the team shelled out $15 Million a season for "the greatest football player who's ever lived", this Pele guy can't catch worth a crap.

Harvey

lilhave

06-10-2006, 07:09 AM

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Overweight

Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

Always lands on her spleen.

Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Anna Nicole Smith fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.

Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

"Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.

Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.

Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.

He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...

Has more chins than lives.

Harvey

lilhave

06-11-2006, 06:39 AM

The Top 16 Signs You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship

The shuffleboard puck looks suspiciously like a urinal cake.

Scheduled entertainment: The comedy stylings of Kato Kaelin

All activities are scheduled for after sundown, and the chefs refuse to cook with garlic.

First port of call on your "Surprise Adventures Tour" is East Timor.

Six-foot-tall obnoxious mice greet you everywhere you go -- and it's *not* a Disney cruise.

The "TrekCruise" brochure said nothing about William Shatner eating all the shrimp before you get to the buffet.

"LIFEBOATS?!? We don't NEED no stinkin' lifeboats!!"

The scenery is nice, but monotonous: two seagulls, a puffy cloud, a sun, then wait ten seconds and it starts over again.

Complimentary Polo shirt is yours to keep -- after you make a dozen more just like 'em for Kathie Lee at the Guatemala port of call.

The Good News: You've been invited to dine at the captain's table.
The Bad News: Tonight's entertainment is a live sex show at the captain's table.

Welcome aboard "wine and cheese" buffet consists of Ripple and Velveeta slices.

Their ship: Leonardo DiCaprio sketches a tasteful nude of you in your cabin.
Your ship: Bobby-Ray spray paints your name on one of the smokestacks.

"And here's your dance director: The man who invented dancing, Al Gore!"

Cruise line name: ValuBoat
Destination: Florida Everglades

That strong smell of fish is not coming from the sea, but from your cruise director, Julie McCrusty.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship...

"Attention passengers: Now starting on the Lido Deck is the ship's Tequila Shots Championship. Come watch undefeated Captain Hazelwood defend his title!"

lilhave

06-11-2006, 06:41 AM

NJ EDITION OF WINDOWS XP...

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a
dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen.

It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE:

Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"

My computer is called "My Computa"

The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"

Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"

Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"

Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business" and will actually

maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.

Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"

Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:

OK.......Sure ting

Cancel......Fugetaboutit

Reset........Start ova

Yes............Yeah

No..............Nah

Find.Put a contract out on

Browse........Get a looksee

Back...........U-Toin

Help...........Get your own ansa

Stop............Knock it off

Start............Move it

Settings.......Here's da rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY

EDITION...

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all

da bugs)

Harvey

lilhave

06-11-2006, 06:43 AM

Investment tips for 2006.... get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Harvey

lilhave

06-12-2006, 05:47 AM

New Over The Counter Drugs

St. Mom's Wort

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin

Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra

Indictable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti - talksident

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin

More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Harvey

lilhave

06-12-2006, 05:50 AM

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A July Fourth Barbecue

10. "Beef is great, but squirrel's so much cheaper"

9. "Take a photo of me lighting this cigar with an M-80"

8. "To give it a little 'kick,' I put charcoal starter in the punch"

7. "Oh God, Letterman's shirtless again"

6. I'd like to tell you why scientology is so important to me"

5. "Hey look, it's Earnest Borgnine--oh, sorry lady"

4. "All right, detainees, line up over here for your gitmo-style powdered baked beans"

3. "I'm afraid the only fireworks tonight are between me and your wife"

2. "My hot dog has a knuckle"

1. "I don't think that's mayonnaise in the cole slaw"

Harvey

lilhave

06-12-2006, 05:53 AM

The U.S. makes enough plastic film annually to shrink-wrap Texas.

A rat shows displeasure with another rat by biting its butt.

Arnold Schwarzenegger owns seven Hummers.

Your computer keyboard is dirtier than a toilet.

In America now, there are more dogs per household than children.

Tony Blair once spent the night sleeping on a park bench in London.

Americans receive an average of eight birthday cards each year.

The longest movie ever made is "The Cure for Insomnia," which clocks in at 87 hours.

When two NHL players collide, their pads and bodies can absorb enough energy to power a 100-watt light bulb for a minute and a half.

Like fingerprints, every tongue print is unique.

62.7 percent of all e-mail sent in December, worldwide, was spam.

Americans stand about 14 inches apart when they converse. Russians, about 10 inches.

Pool shark Minnesota Fats was once hospitalized for "cue-tip-chalk lung."

500 pairs of fake sideburns were used in the making of "Gone With the Wind."

Thomas Edison proposed to his second wife by Morse code.

The average public swimming pool contains more urine than chlorine.

The Statue of Liberty's waist size is 35 feet.

Thomas Jefferson liked to greet foreign ambassadors in his pajamas.

The dog on the Cracker Jack box is named Bingo.

Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers.

Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail will overwhelm the sender's system and interfere with their ability to send any more spam.

Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.

The first McDonald's restaurant opened for business in 1952 in Edinburgh, Scotland, and featured the McHaggis sandwich.

The Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how bumblebees fly.

You *can* get blood from a stone, but only if contains at least 17 percent bauxite.

Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons.

Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays.

The skin needed for elbow transplants must be taken from the scrotum of a cadaver.

The sport of jai alai originated from a game played by Incan priests who held cats by their tails and swung at leather balls. The cats would instinctively grab at the ball with their claws, thus enabling players to catch them.

A cat's purr has the same romance-enhancing frequency as the voice of singer Barry White.

The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.

The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in a 24-hour period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 17.3 feet of a 4-lane concrete freeway.

King Henry VIII slept with a gigantic axe.

Because printed materials are being replaced by CD-ROM, microfiche and the Internet, libraries that previously sank into their foundations under the weight of their books are now in danger of collapsing in extremely high winds.

In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.

Touch-tone telephone keypads were originally planned to have buttons for Police and Fire Departments, but they were replaced with * and # when the project was cancelled in favor of developing the 911 system.

Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.

Calvin, of the "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip, was patterned after President Calvin Coolidge, who had a pet tiger as a boy.

Watching an hour-long soap opera burns more calories than watching a three-hour baseball game.

Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels.

You can actually sharpen the blades on a pencil sharpener by wrapping your pencils in aluminum foil before inserting them.

To human taste buds, Zima is virtually indistinguishable from zebra urine.

Seven out of every ten hockey-playing Canadians will lose a tooth during a game. For Canadians who don't play hockey, that figure drops to five out of ten.

A dog's naked behind leaves absolutely no bacteria when pressed against carpet.

A team of University of Virginia researchers released a study promoting the practice of picking one's nose, claiming that the health benefits of keeping nasal passages free from infectious blockages far outweigh the negative social connotations.

Among items left behind at Osama bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of Mad Magazine. Al Qaeda members have admitted that bin Laden is reportedly an avid reader.

Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel.

At the first World Cup championship in Uruguay, 1930, the soccer balls were actually monkey skulls wrapped in paper and leather.

Every Labrador retriever dreams about bananas.

If you put a bee in a film canister for two hours, it will go blind and leave behind its weight in honey.

Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms.

Never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing, as it can blow out your eyeballs.

Centuries ago, purchasing real estate often required having one or more limbs amputated in order to prevent the purchaser from running away to avoid repayment of the loan. Hence an expensive purchase was said to cost "an arm and a leg."

When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed five gold Krugerrands in his small intestine.

Aardvarks are allergic to radishes, but only during summer months.

Coca-Cola was the favored drink of Pharaoh Ramses. An inscription found in his tomb, when translated, was found to be almost identical to the recipe used today.

If you part your hair on the right side, you were born to be carnivorous. If you part it on the left, your physical and psychological make-up is that of a vegetarian.

When immersed in liquid, a dead sparrow will make a sound like a crying baby.

In WWII the US military planned to airdrop over France propaganda in the form of Playboy magazine, with coded messages hidden in the models' turn-ons and turn-offs. The plan was scrapped because of a staple shortage due to rationing of metal.

Although difficult, it's possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing together two Cool Ranch Doritos.

Napoleon's favorite type of wood was knotty chestnut.

The world's smartest pig, owned by a mathematics teacher in Madison, WI, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.

Due to the natural "momentum" of the ocean, saltwater fish cannot swim backwards.

In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives.

It is nearly three miles farther to fly from Amarillo, Texas to Louisville, Kentucky than it is to return from Louisville to Amarillo.

The "nine lives" attributed to cats is probably due to their having nine primary whiskers.

The original inspiration for Barbie dolls comes from dolls developed by German propagandists in the late 1930s to impress young girls with the ideal notions of Aryan features. The proportions for Barbie were actually based on those of Eva Braun.

The Venezuelan brown bat can detect and dodge individual raindrops in mid-flight, arriving safely back at his cave completely dry.

The Mongolian pony is the only animal other than an elephant capable of fending off an attack by a healthy adult tiger.

Because of their unusual shape, Hershey's Kisses contain more calories per ounce than the same amount of chocolate in other forms.

The French language has seventeen different words for "surrender."

The average person can fit exactly one half of their pinky finger in one of their nostrils. However, if an attempt is made to put a pinky finger in EACH nostril, only one quarter of each will fit.

Showing off at a party one evening, Chopin played the entire "Minute Waltz" in under 10 seconds.

If the air in your car's tires is not completely replaced every two years, it can turn to liquid and cause severe damage.

If you tar and feather a 2x4 and place it in your yard, it will ward off bats.

The largest home in the United States, North Carolina's Biltmore House, was originally intended to be the official residence of a new monarchy to be established when the South rose again.

The Toltec calendar was based on a 360-day year, with each day being about 24 hours and 20 minutes long.

The universal size of the credit card is based entirely on the size of the 1960s US Communist Party membership card. Credit cards were designed so that they wouldn't cause the Communist Party card to stand out.

Nobody born in Kentucky has ever been elected to Congress.

In an effort to improve the nutritional value of its "Shamrock shakes," McDonald's colors them with broccoli extract.

Winston Churchill was born with a third nipple, which he removed himself with nail-clippers at the age of 14.

Only a single dissenting vote prevented the death penalty in Texas from being carried out by immersing the convicted person in a nest of fire ants.

If you place a fresh Viagra tablet in a houseplant's soil every six months, the plant will not wilt.

The ancient Arabic word "jorgbushii" translates roughly to "evil one who comes disguised in peace to drink Earth's black blood."

In Finland, "Sintter Klaas" brings bad children a small bag of old toenail clippings.

The practice of putting a letter "e" in front of words to mean "web-based" (e.g., eBusiness, eLearning, etc.) was patented by Microsoft in 1992. They are waiting until their anti-trust trial has been officially completed to begin enforcing it.

The noun "sled" originates from the name of a 18th-century mountaineer from Finland, Schletz Linden, whose body was used by his climbing partner to slide down a mountain during a winter storm after he froze to death.

If a cricket were the size of Mount Rushmore, it could jump to the moon.

The increase in the amount of metals mined and brought to the surface of the earth in order to manufacture SUVs has caused higher tides in the Northern Hemisphere.

Children conceived on airplanes never suffer from motion sickness.

The life span of dogs allowed to dine in cat litter boxes is on average 18 percent longer than that of dogs restricted to commercial diets.

Charles Darwin once attempted to breed flying monkeys by crossing chimpanzees with vultures.

The steady, rhythmic sound produced by dripping water increases the capacity for sleeping males to experience lucid sexual dreams.

Blue water in a toilet bowl causes males to urinate 7 percent more.

Women who use chewing tobacco are three times LESS likely to accidentally swallow it while they are pregnant.

The melody of the classic hymn "Amazing Grace" originated from a 12th-century pagan song celebrating masturbation.

The Federal Department of Online Commerce has been compiling a list of US-based e-mail addresses. Once 100 million addresses have been collected, the list will be sold to online marketers as part of President Bush's plan to reduce the deficit.

A 9-volt battery contains roughly the same amount of kinetic energy as a bowl of Lucky Charms.

The Yanomami tribesmen of the Amazon basin can track game birds by the slight difference in warmth their shadows create on the forest floor as they fly by, for up to an hour after the birds have departed.

Contrary to the popular saying, 99 percent of the time you lead a horse to water, it'll drink on its own.

The first Ford Excursion was actually designed and built in 1951. It was never marketed because the then-current braking technology required a drum 3 feet wide on each wheel.

Rapid deforestation has decreased the friction of the surface of the Earth, causing it to spin infinitesimally faster and thereby cool the air, combating global warming.

The flush toilet was invented in Flushing, NY.

The inner core of most standard golf balls is made of nougat, which helps the balls remain aloft longer.

On occasions when the sun is shining brightly on falling snowflakes, they contain enough ionic charge to stun insects. Observation of this phenomenon inspired the invention of the bug zapper.

Over the last two decades, more Americans died of heart attacks while watching horror movies in movie theaters than died while sky-diving.

A common misconception is that the term "salsa dancing" derives from the food condiment called salsa. Actually, the dance was invented in the 1930s by a dance teacher named Frankie Salsa.

Every common food product, with the exception of fish and veal, contains some traces of peanut enzymes.

The number of words in the Bible divided by the number of verses equals exactly 666.

An 18th-century law still on the books in Vermont makes it illegal for a woman to lick a stamp in a public place.

Anthropologists have discovered a tribe of South American monkeys with a rudimentary system of government analogous to our own three-branch form of government.

Constipation kills nearly twice as many people as diarrhea, mainly because the former mostly afflicts the old and weak while the latter mostly affects young, strong children.

It is physically impossible to urinate and give blood at the same time.

If you fill a standard 750ml wine bottle with live hornets, their angry buzzing will resonate at precisely the right frequency to shatter the glass.

During his famous "Blue Period," Pablo Picasso invented the substance that eventually became known as Play-Doh.

Every year in the fall, Niagara Falls is shut down for maintenance for 24 hours. The flow is diverted using a massive series of pipes and spigots built for this purpose in 1837.

The rare Chilean hummingbird has been known to suck blood from animals like a giant mosquito.

Tap dancers frequently forget to breathe normally during difficult routines, resulting in an average of 200 tap dancing-related tragedies per year.

Harvey

lilhave

06-13-2006, 05:51 AM

13 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.

9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.

13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"...

Harvey

lilhave

06-13-2006, 05:53 AM

The Top 13 Signs Your Significant Other is a Day Trader

Makes plans to take you to dinner at either the Plaza or Burger King, depending on whether Bill Gates testifies that day.

In bed, never wants to hold a position for longer than a few minutes.

Leaps off high-rise with his laptop, makes $5,000 on way down.

When you ask if your butt looks big in these pants he says, "Sorry, I can't say. I have insider information."

The sumbitch types faster than Stephen King!

Doesn't seem to notice he's been wearing the same robe and underwear for about a week now.

She ain’t yelling "Yahoo!" because of you, Big Guy.

You haven't seen this much sweat on the keyboard since www.reallybignipples.com came on line.

Looks nervous every time you mention the kids' college fund.

Dinner last night: Duck a l'orange, caviar, creme brulee.
Dinner tonight: Gruel.

Helps your kid make a sign: "LEMONADE: 1 7/16"

12:41pm: Offers to trade some of his French fries for some of your onion rings.
12:47pm: Offers a few of the onion rings back to recoup lost French fry capital.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is a Day Trader...

In: The personal margin call
Out: The booty call

Harvey

lilhave

06-13-2006, 05:55 AM

Thank You For All Of The E-Mail Forwards...

1. I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
2. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
3. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
4. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
5. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
6. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
7. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
8. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
9. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
10. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
11. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
12. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
13. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
14. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
15. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
16. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
17. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
18. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
19. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
20. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
21. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
22. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
23. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
24. Don't forget this one either...I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
25. And the one I love best!.... Don't go out to night clubs because organ harvesters will drug you and steal your kidneys
26. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....

Harvey

lilhave

06-13-2006, 10:59 AM

Click on the tiny play button on the black picture. It's very hard to see.

http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html

Harvey

T-Greg

06-13-2006, 11:08 AM

Check out this site. It has pages of actual Ebay auctions that have run. Most were pulled by Ebay for obvious reasons.

http://www.whattheheck.com/ebay/buttkicker.html

Lex Luthor

06-13-2006, 03:11 PM

Click on the tiny play button on the black picture. It's very hard to see.

http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html

Harvey

Weird Al is a musical genious

lilhave

06-13-2006, 03:15 PM

Weird Al is a musical genious

And I'm not?

Harvey Bethoven

Lex Luthor

06-13-2006, 03:23 PM

Your damn 5th symphony plays everytime my co workers phone rings. Now I know who to blame. Beware the airmail package from Canada marked with a clown face (I am too lazy to make my own, gotta a good source though):lol:

Lex Luthor

06-13-2006, 03:32 PM

Harv

You better be wary of the woman WITH a handgun

masterblooregard

06-13-2006, 03:40 PM

Alf alarm clock :lol: love.

lilhave

06-14-2006, 05:54 AM

Running Doe A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first
ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the
usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine
health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The
South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?''

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. *
Running Doe replied, "We're called ... "The Indiannippeless Five Hundred
"

lilhave

06-14-2006, 05:56 AM

The Top 12 Signs You've Invested
in a Bad Internet Company

CEO stops by to use your computer because his electricity's been turned off again.

Company made solely up of former AARP executives.

Merrill Lynch just downgraded the stock from "Sell" to "Tax Write-Off."

Your profits? 404 -- Not Found

Prospectus states: "YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE A STOCKHOLDER!"

Their big idea: eHaircuts

Their Lead Programmer is reasonably attractive & has 20/20 vision.

IPO consists of 12 shares and a free CD and is underwritten by MC Hammer.

At shareholder meeting you're asked to wear a mouse pad as a name tag.

In Pirates of Silicon Valley, company CEO was played by that "Ernest" guy.

Their price-to-earnings ratio is higher than Marion Barry in a DEA evidence room.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Invested in a Bad Internet Company...

Good: Team of young, enthusiastic go-getters;
Bad: IPO's financial goal was $57.45 to "repay Tommy's mom."

Harvey

lilhave

06-14-2006, 05:57 AM

The Top 15 Signs Your Pet is Depressed

Has begun chasing oncoming cars.

Your fish purchases a rope and a helium balloon.

Fluffy stops leaving dead mice on doormat, starts leaving Marilyn Manson CD's.

Refuses to eat Friskies, now eats only Gloomies.

Keeps trying to throw himself under that Chuck Wagon.

Your pit bull can only muster up the energy to maim, not to kill.

"Yo quiero Prozac."

You catch him with his head in the toilet bowl -- and he's a goldfish.

Eats Ben and Jerry's "Toilet Water Crunch" like it's going out of style.

Rover used to be so energetic, but now he just stands there and lets the Frisbee bounce off the side of his head.

Keeps running at the electric fence with the sprinkler in his mouth.

Obligingly thrusts at your leg for a few seconds and then wanders off to watch TV.

Your dog won't eat his food -- not even Purina's new Anus 'n' Scrotum flavor.

He lies on his back in the gerbil wheel for hours at a time, smoking cigarettes and staring at the top of his cage.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Pet is Depressed...

Three words: "Ruck Roo, Reorge."

Harvey

lilhave

06-15-2006, 05:41 AM

The Top 16 Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It

"And if we look at the satellite picture we see this large cloud formation that looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. And look! This one looks like an elephant..."

Attempts to use the Doppler radar to catch speeding cars along the freeway.

The pointer she's using to draw attention to that high pressure cell over Kansas shouldn't vibrate, should it?

Ends every sentence with "...if the Dark Lord deems it acceptable."

Bogarts all the chili beans from the studio commissary's salad bar in preparation for his on-air demonstration of wind shear.

Shows up in an undershirt and replaces the "wind chill factor" with the "headlight factor."

Screams, "Yeah, but it's a DRY heat" when his leg gets humped during the pet adoption segment.

Wants everyone to think his *real* name is "Storm."

Her new "Doppler Radar Storm Tracker 2000" looks like an old microwave oven with some Hello Kitty stickers stuck on the door.

Sacrifices the sports guy to the Rain God -- but does it off-camera, dammit!

Still uses 10-10-321 even after you told him about 10-10-220.

Does the forecast without pants and apologizes for not being able to point to the temperatures north of the equator.

Actually thinks he can become a multi-millionaire late night TV talk show host.

"...Turning to the five-day forecast on our Doppler radar, we see the Monistat is really clearing up my yeast infection!"

Has begun mumbling, "If there's even gonna BE a tomorrow," after each forecast.

and the Number 1 Sign Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It...

Weekend forecast calls for scattered showers and "a chance of love."

Harvey

lilhave

06-15-2006, 05:44 AM

The Top 12 Signs This School Year is Going to Suck

Not being allowed to wear your black trenchcoat means you'll have to try to look intimidating in a lavender ski jacket.

"Mike, report to Principal Kevorkian's office."

10th grade sucked last year. 10th grade will probably suck again this year.

All the other third grade boys have a Phantom Menace lunchbox, but you're mom decided to get you the more recent Runaway Bride.

First-period P.E. with Mr. Torquemada and Mr. de Sade.

As you're escorted from the metal detector to the strip search room you realize that this was not the ideal summer to have all that body piercing done.

Five more years till you can do it with Ms. LeTourneau again.

Your mom's shopping habits, combined with a Sears clearance sale on Underroos, has left you in quite a locker room dilemma.

The female goatee just hasn't caught on yet.

Your long-planned Kansas State Science Fair project on Australopithecus is going to get you burned as a witch.

Thanks to Hollywood, warm apple pie no longer on cafeteria menu.

and the Number 1 Sign This School Year is Going to Suck...

1600 on the PSATs and a National Merit Scholar as a junior and nobody knows who you are, but get drunk and have sex with just *one* goat at a party...

lilhave

06-15-2006, 05:45 AM

Top Ten Signs Gas Is Expensive

10. It's so expensive, Batman is patrolling the streets on a Schwinn

9. It's so expensive, mobsters are dousing snitches with olive oil

8. It's so expensive, Domino's only delivers within walking distance

7. It's so expensive, moviegoers flock to "RV" just to see someone driving

6. It's so expensive, Tom Cruise agreed to be a guest for 5 gallons of unleaded

5. It's so expensive, you're actually willing to carpool with Regis

4. It's so expensive, Starbucks is selling Gasaccino

3. It's so expensive, it's negatively influencing our foreign policy, hurting millions of hardworking Americans and threatening to throw our economy into absolute chaos

2. It's so expensive, Anna Nicole Smith married the night manager of a Texaco

1. It's so expensive, Britney Spears' baby is driving a Prius

Harvey

lilhave

06-16-2006, 05:07 AM

Rhetorical Wisdom

What if life is a joke and we don't get it?

Why is nothing as easy as it looks?

Why is it that the most important things in life aren't things?

Why does something always happen ?

Why is 'if' the middle word in life?

Why is what you don't do is always more important than what you do do?

Why is nothing as good as it was before?

Why is it that almost anything is easier to get into than out of?

Why is Living the Good Life and Living a Good Life not the same thing?

Do you have 'a life' if you like what you're doing? Or does everyone else have to like what you're doing too?

Why is it that luck usually seems to favor the people who don't need it?

Isn't depression is merely anger without enthusiasm?

The early bird gets the worm, but doesn't the second mouse gets the cheese?

Remember, if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

The fool doth think himself wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.

Its better to keep one's mouth shut and appear stupid than open in and remove all doubts.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The mark of an educated mind is to be able to entertain a thought without having to accept it.

Honesty is often the best policy, but insanity is usually a better defense.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Think negative, and you've already failed.

Success in life is a long, hard climb.

Life without a mission is a tremendous ommission.

Blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter.

Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.

It is true that the heart seldom feels what the mouth expresses.

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, all is lost.

Opinions that are well rooted should grow and change like a healthy tree.

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

If everyone is a unique individual isn't it not unique to be an individual?

Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

If something was worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

Isn't the hardest thing in life knowing which bridges to cross and which to burn?

Aren't the only losers in life, the ones who never tried in the beginning?

Is it possible that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others?

Don't you think that life is like a roll of toilet paper? After all, the closer it gets to the end, the more you appreciate it.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, who is the fool that said 'quit while you are ahead'?

Why is it that whenever you let the cat out of the bag you usually wind up in the dog house?

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect why practice?

How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?

Why can't we put all our eggs into one basket? Isn't this just being more efficient?

If too many cooks spoil the soup then why are two heads better than one?

If the pen is mightier than the sword then how can actions speak louder than words?

If two wrongs don't make a right why is it that two negatives make a positive?

Have you ever stopped to think and forget to start again?

If you think your indecisive how can you be sure?

Is a conclusion simply the place where you got tired of thinking?

Why do people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices?

What would happen if you had two half baked ideas at the same time?

If great minds really think alike then what makes them so great?

Would you have to think twice before giving something a second thought?

Why is it that when you are trying to think of something you can't but when you don't want to think of something you can't get it out of your mind?

Why is it that the harder you try to think the more difficult it is?

Before Columbus' discovery, wasn't it common sense that led people to believe the world was flat?

And didn't they believe this, despite the Bible in Isaiah 40-22 stating that the Earth is a sphere?

Harvey

lilhave

06-16-2006, 05:10 AM

LA Driver's Exam

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________

Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________

Therapist name:_________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle in any way?

Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone,
please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green
[ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ } Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :

a) stop your car.
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:

a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:

a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?

a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

Automatic door locks are good for:

a) security
b) convenience
c) messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:

a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:

a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

Harvey

lilhave

06-17-2006, 06:27 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Mailman Has Been Working Much Too Hard

10. Announces that he just married a sheet of Marliyn Monroe stamps

9. It's been over three weeks since he cleaned his gun

8. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but bubble wrap

7. Announces his new system: reach into his bag, and whatever you can grab is yours

6. He's stopped having sex with half the housewives in the neighborhood

5. Just sits on the curb, tearing pages out of a "Victoria's Secret" catalog and eating them

4. He's been leaving most of the driving to his pet monkey, Earl

3. His wife complains that in the bedroom, he's not exactly "Mr. Zip"

2. Claims he's Elmo; demands that you tickle him

1. Walks down the street shouting, "Lick this!"

Harvey

lilhave

06-17-2006, 06:29 AM

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot

10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, what's this gizmo do?"

9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up

8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"

7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap

6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"

5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars observer!"

4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform

3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"

2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport

1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

Harvey

lilhave

06-18-2006, 05:54 AM

She was in the kitchen doing the soft boiled
eggs for Breakfast. He walks in and asks
"What's for Breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make
love to Me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the
Kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

lilhave

06-18-2006, 05:57 AM

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in
Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things
progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and
after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her
senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the
young man reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.
The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks,
"You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned , but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young
man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing,
and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back,
gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles
proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

lilhave

06-18-2006, 06:00 AM

1 The FBI wiretaps his toy phone.
2 He needs help laundering stolen lunch money.
3 He receives protection money from the neighborhood toy store.
4 ... Like Father, Like Son.
5 has been accused of stalking Barney The Purple Dinosaur at least five times
6 "Inmate # 34499" is printed next to his name on his birth certificate
7 His friends give him his first tattoo in kindergarden
8 Named your son Sue... He's gonna kill ya when he grows up.
9 Prefers striped clothing and cafeteria food
10 There is an LSD lab under his crib
11 he "knocked off" the school store
12 He molested your uncle.
13 Easy Bake Oven/meth lab in your basement
14 If I can stay up late, I'll make sure mom doesn't "disappear".
15 Child currently stars in a network sitcom.
16 He already has 7 speeding tickets and a DUI but hasn't turned four years old.
17 He's been arrested 23 times, and he's only 4
18 His Items consistently are #1 on Keepers of Lists.
19 The FBI did a raid on his play-house
20 They get everyone they see with a water pistol
21 - You can't fit anything else in the freezer due to his severed head collection
22 - Your child was accused of extortion by the ice cream man.
23 - Enlisted in the training course: "Warden, level 1"
24 - He hacks keepers
25 - He raped your uncle.
26 - They steal cookies from the cookie jar

lilhave

06-19-2006, 05:18 AM

The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's room, well
after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Mr. Todd! Are you
entertaining in there?" From behind the door, Todd answered, "Just a
second I'll ask her!"

Harvey

lilhave

06-19-2006, 05:20 AM

100 Reasons It's Great to be a Guy!
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 40 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere

Harvey