New Rules From Bill Maher

[Steve M.]

As America contiunes to a period of insanity and stupidity, here are some "new rules" from Bill Maher to follow! :lol: They're from his book, New Rules - Poilite Musings From a Timid Observer.

[Steve M.]

New rule: I don't care how big or flat it is, it's still just a TV. Congratulations - you just paid $10,000 to watch "Hogan's Heroes."

[Steve M.]

New rule: Enough with "gay-sploitation" TV. "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy?" If I want a bunch of gay men in queeny outfits telling me how to live my life, I'll go back to Mass.

[Steve M.]

New rule: Anyone elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk. Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman is taking flak for telling schoolchildren that he doesn't have a drinking problem because, quote, "I love to drink," then adding that if he had to pick anything to be stranded with on a desert island, he would bring his favorite scotch. Kids, personally I would bring Eve. Because you know that freak is packing weed. :lol:

[Steve M.]

New rule: The big oil companies must stop running ads telling us how much they're doing for the environment. We get it: You rape the earth, but you cuddle afterward. It's insulting - like a serial killer dumping a body by the roadside and then adopting a highway. If you folks at Shell really are serious about cleaning something up, start with your restrooms. :lol:

[Steve M.]

New Rule: Enough with the "For Dummies" series. The last straw was this week when I saw NASCAR For Dummies. Let me save you the $12.99. It's rednecks drinking beer and watching other rednecks turn left. :rotflmao:

[Steve M.]

New rule: Corn bread is not bread. It's cake.

[MsOrange]

:rofl:

[Steve M.]

New rule: The next reality show must be called America's Stupidest State. We'll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you'll move on to the next round. Of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas, and Florida.

Sorry, Tennessee.

:brent :rofl:

[Steve M.]

New rule: Pat Robertson is insane. Just because he smiles and wears a nice suit doesn't mean he's any less of a whack job than all those wild-eyed, urine-stained nut bags who babble on street corners about Jesus through a bullhorn. And he's getting desperate, because after you've agrees that the purplr Teletubby is gay, where do you go? It's like madonna when she needs attention. She has to kep upping the ante. In a year or two, she'll have nothing left to do but go anal. And by then, no one will care. Except Pat Robertson.

[Steve M.]

New rule: Let TV shows die a natural death. Fans of the cancelled TV show Star Trek - Enterprise are trying to raise enough money on their own to pay for another season. It's either that or go outside. So far they've raised $3 million, largely by not dating. Hey, Trekkies, if you really want to donate money to a lost cause, try MoveOn.org.

[ABlairican Pie]

Too funny!! Too true!! :rofl:

[Steve M.]

New rule: Stop bringing out DVD's [of recently released movies] so soon. I'm still ignoring you in the theater.

[Steve M.]

New rule: McDonald's and yoga don't mix. McDonald's has a new ad that features a sinewy woman in yoga poses. And you can tell she's just eaten [at] McDonald's because after she gets in the lotus position, she f:censored:ts. Stop trying to convince me you're not the place that almost killed Morgan Spurlock. If I want to eat healthy, I'll go to a place that serves actual food. :rotflmao:

[ABlairican Pie]

New rule: McDonald's and yoga don't mix. McDonald's has a new ad that features a sinewy woman in yoga poses. And you can tell she's just eaten [at] McDonald's because after she gets in the lotus position, she f:censored:ts. Stop trying to convince me you're not the place that almost killed Morgan Spurlock. If I want to eat healthy, I'll go to a place that serves actual food. :rotflmao: :fart:

[Steve M.]

New rule: Don't try to talk to me about "Desparate Housewives." If I had the slightest interest in other people's sex lives, I'd vote Republican. :D

[Steve M.]

New rule: The president must stop saying that Osama bin Laden "can run but he can't hide." Boy, can he hide. We can't find him with cruise missiles, satellites, or million-dollar bribes - although, oddly enough, he is reachable through Classmates.com. :lol:

[Steve M.]

http://www.wobpictures.com/data/thumbnails/618/Britney_Spears_Madonna_VMA_The_French_Kiss-002-WoB.jpg

New rule: Lesbian kisses aren't risque; they're desperate cries for attention. Sucking face with another chick means one of three things; Nobody is paying attention to you at the bar, no one is watching your sitcom, or no one is buying your album. Lesbian experimentation should be done in the privacy of a doem room at Arizona State University. ohno:

[Steve M.]

http://money.cnn.com/2005/12/05/news/funny/ferrari_pope/pope_benedict_XVI.03.jpg

New rule: Don't pick a German pope the day before Hitler's birthday. I'm not saying it's anything but a coincidence, but you've just given every conspiracy nut in the world a raging hard-on. :eek:

[Steve M.]

New rule: Family members get to sell their dead loved ones. After the UCLA medical school was found to be selling cadavers for profit, a scandal erupted. But shouldn't families be allowed to do this directly? Those nursing homes aren't free, you know. Now that Grandma's dead, it's about time she started pulling her weight. If you just parted her out like an old Honda Civic, the cost of abandoning her all these years to the care of minority health care workers bent on racial payback

:brent :rofl: :brent :rofl: :eek: :eek2:


would be recouped over time.

[Steve M.]

New rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason why you don't talk to people for 25 years - because you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. . . .

http://www.airitoutthehardway.com/Images/lawn-mower.jpg

He's mowing my lawn! :rofl:

(This is not really Bill Maher's gardener! :D )

[Steve M.]

New rule: Priests should be allowed to marry. What better way to ensure celibacy?

[Steve M.]

New rule: Not everything is a conspiracy. Black History Month is in February beacuse Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass were born in February, not because it's the shortest month. Here's the deal: You accept this on faith, and we'll pretend you didn't completely make up Kwanzaa. :p

[Steve M.]

First Amber Frey was mad because Scott Peterson was married. Then she was mad because he killed his wife.

New rule: There's just no pleasing people. :rolleyes:

[MsOrange]

:lol:

[Dumballa]

New rule: Pat Robertson is insane. Just because he smiles and wears a nice suit doesn't mean he's any less of a whack job than all those wild-eyed, urine-stained nut bags who babble on street corners about Jesus through a bullhorn. And he's getting desperate, because after you've agrees that the purplr Teletubby is gay, where do you go? It's like madonna when she needs attention. She has to kep upping the ante. In a year or two, she'll have nothing left to do but go anal. And by then, no one will care. Except Pat Robertson.


Oh my gOD . . . hi-larious :lol:

[Dumballa]

New Rule: Condoms are not sex toys. Trojan has released a new line of condoms that vibrate and heat up. Look, condoms keep people from getting AIDS and the clap. Haven't they done enough? You want to improve condoms? Invent a wrapper guys can open before they lose their hard-on.

[Steve M.]

New rule: Stop saying anybody or anything is like the Nazis. Republicans aren't like the Nazis. Neo-Nazis aren't even like the Nazis. Nothing is like the Nazis. Except for Wal-Mart. :rotflmao:

[Dumballa]

New Rule: Since only 15% of Americans said they believe in evolution in a recent poll, America must change its name to the United States of Jesus Christ. And our motto, from E Pluribus Unum to “I'm With Stupid.” The good news for the nation: if we get any stupider about science, we'll forget how to cook crystal meth. :happyface

[Steve M.]

New rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job, dummy! You don't see American Airlines saying, "We land our jets on the runway!" :lol:

[Dumballa]

New rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job, dummy! You don't see American Airlines saying, "We land our jets on the runway!" :lol:

When I saw this one I was on tha flo . . . :rofl:

New Rule: Sylvester Stallone can't make another “Rocky” movie unless it's called, “Rocky Dies.” Come on, Sly, even great characters have to be put to rest. It would be like if Governor Schwarzenegger went around all day quoting “The Terminator.”
Okay, bad example.

[Steve M.]

When I saw this one I was on tha flo . . . :rofl:

New Rule: Sylvester Stallone can't make another “Rocky” movie unless it's called, “Rocky Dies.” Come on, Sly, even great characters have to be put to rest. It would be like if Governor Schwarzenegger went around all day quoting “The Terminator.”
Okay, bad example.


"Eye Of The Geezer," he called it! :lol: