Munsters#1
01-27-2005, 09:58 PM
I noticed that the Color Presentation (Pilot) on the Season 1 DVD had no closed-caption on it. Well, I created a transcript that people can read, and now maybe can enjoy the episode.
So, here it is...
(Wolf howls in the distance)
Marilyn's Date: This is, uh, where you live?
Marilyn: Yep, this is it. Come on in and have a cup of coffee. I want you to meet my Aunt and Uncle.
Marilyn's Date: Gee, I don't know, Marilyn, uh, it's gettin' kinda late.
Marilyn: I've had such a good time, I hate to see it end.
Marilyn's Date: Well, I, uh, I guess I could walk you to the front door.
(Both get out of car and walk to the front door)
Marilyn's Date: (Whispering) What's the matter? Did you lose your keys?
Marilyn: No, I probably just left them in my other purse.
Marilyn's Date: (Whispering) Oh!
Marilyn: (Whispering) Why are you whispering?
Marilyn's Date: (Whispering) Oh, I, uh, I don't want to wake your folks.
Marilyn: Oh, don't worry about them, they're always up all night.
(Both smile)
(Marilyn gives three good knocks on the door)
(We hear heavy footsteps)
Marilyn: Someone's coming.
Marilyn: Hi, Uncle Herman!
Herman: Hello, Marilyn!
Marilyn: I forgot my key. I'd like you to meet my date, this is Jack.
(Jack flees in terror)
(He get's in his car and rushes away)
Marilyn: Oh, Uncle Herman! What's the matter with me, anyway?
(Theme music from an old Doris Day picture, plays)
(All the characters are introduced)
(Title credit flashes "My Fair Munster")
(Odd music is played)
(We see Grandpa playing checkers with a ghost buddy)
Phoebe: You're home early, dear. Have a nice time?
Marilyn: Yes, I guess so.
Phoebe: Would you like to have a little something to eat?
Marilyn: No, Thank You.
Phoebe: I have some warm Lady-Fingers in the oven.
Marilyn: No, I think I'll just go right up stairs and go to bed. Goodnight, everybody.
(Grandpa waves to Marilyn)
Marilyn: Goodnight, Uncle Herman.
Herman: Goodnight, Marilyn.
Phoebe: Goodnight, dear.
(Herman shakes head, looks at Phoebe, then they both walk away)
(Herman sees Phoebe wanted the chair by the fireplace, and offers it to her)
Phoebe: Eddie, would you come down here? I want to try this jacket on you.
(Camera swings up to Eddie on the mantle)
(We see Eddie playing with a noose)
Eddie: I won't! I won't! You can't make me! (Hisses)
(Camera swings to Grandpa)
(He shakes his head and waves his right hand)
Herman: Don't talk fresh to your mother, and stop playing with that noose!
(Camera cuts to Grandpa)
(Grandpa burns up Eddie's noose)
(Eddie looks at Grandpa with disgust)
Eddie: Leave me alone! Don't touch me! Leave me alone! (Hisses) Don't touch me! Lemme, lemme go! Don't touch me!
Eddie: You never let me have any fun! I'm gonna hold my breath, and turn myself back into a toad!
(Camera pans to Grandpa and Herman)
Eddie: You're always pickin' on me too! You never talk that way to Marilyn!
Phoebe: Just never-you-mind about Marilyn! Now you must remember that she's not as fortunate as the rest of us.
Phoebe: Try this jacket on!
Eddie: I won't! I hate it! It's sissy!
Phoebe: Alright, then you're gonna go right upstairs and get into bed! And don't forget to close the lid!
(Eddie claws at Phoebe)
(He goes to his room)
Grandpa: Ahhh, spunky kids! I wish Marilyn had some of that spunk!
Herman: Hmph! Marilyn! Hmph!
Phoebe: I hope you're not gonna start that again, Herman!
Herman: Well, she's your niece, you know! She's your sister's kid! There's nobody on my side of the family, that ever looked like that!
Phoebe: Well, it's just one of those unfortunate things. All the more reason for us to go out-of-our-way and show her all the love and affection we can! Poor dear!
Grandpa: I wish she'd get married! We could use some fresh blood in this family!
Herman: Well, if you ask me, it's at least partly her own fault. There's no reason for a girl to have to look the way she does. I'm sure there's something you can do to make her a little more presentable. You could show her how to walk, how to talk, show her how to fix herself up a little bit. Say, listen, why don't you send her to that man who does your hair?
Phoebe: Well, I don't think that would do any good. He's just a beautician, he's not a miracle-man.
Herman: Well, if you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever!
Phoebe: Me? If I don't do something about it soon? Well, I always have to do something about it! It's me always me!
Herman: It's enough I have to go out and scare-up the rent everyday!
Phoebe: You think you're the only one who works hard? Ha! Well, how would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon, everyday?
Herman: Now you can't expect me to do anything about Marilyn! What do I know about young girls? Do I look like I went to charm school?
Grandpa: Will you stop this bickering! There's enough noise in here to wake the living!
(Grandpa motions to his ghost buddy)
Grandpa: Your move!
(The ghost buddy moves his checker)
(Grandpa moves his checker and starts to laugh)
Phoebe: Grandpa, we've got to think about Marilyn's future! You don't want her to end up an old maid?
(Grandpa hits his hand on the table)
Grandpa: Alright! (Motions to his ghost buddy) Excuse me!
Grandpa: I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it!
Herman: What could you do?
Grandpa: None of your business! Just leave it to me!
Phoebe: I hope you're not gonna do anything, uh, wrong.
Grandpa: Would I?
(Grandpa walks to the center of the room. He pushes the carpet aside, and opens the trap door)
(Smoke billows everywhere)
Herman: (Coughing) I... I... I... I thought Grandpa was gonna get a fan down there?
Grandpa: Igor? (Laughs) Igor? Igor? (Laughs) I thought I told you to wait in the dungeon? (Igor squeaks) Igor? (Sighs) There's no rest for the wicked!
Grandpa: (Grandpa walks down the stairs) (Igor squeaks impatiently) Not now, Igor!
(Grandpa flips a couple switches, and lights his cigar)
Grandpa: Ah! This will never work! War Surplus!
(Flicks cigar ashes in boiling pot)
(Waves to hanging lamp, lamp goes on)
Grandpa: Now let me see. Ah ha! Now! Uh, poison apples, poison bananas, poison pineapples, poison fruit salads. Poisons? Poisons? Why are you showing me poisons? Potions, I said potions! I mean, don't you understand English!
(Waves hands hysterically)
Grandpa: Ha ha! Now! That's more like it! Potions! Ants, baldness, Communists, crabgrass, crabgrass potion. Oh, that makes a wonderful crabgrass! Measles, mosquitoes, warts, the plague. Oh, there's just no demand for this stuff anymore! Let me see, where is that love potion? Nah, ah, ha ha, ha ha! Here it is! "The loveable potion." "If thou wouldst inspire devotion, sleight thy thirst, with this rare potion." "To have the lover of thy choosing, shake the bottle well, eh, using."
Grandpa: Shake the bottle well? Oh, I shutter to think what would happen if this fell into scrupulous hands!
Grandpa: "First, sift in a cup of powdered whale heart." (Turns around and says, "Now whale heart.") Ah ha! Yes! Whale heart! Ah ha. (Begins to mix the ingredients) Now, "One teaspoon of Nightingale-tongue."
(Points to other table)
(Mutters the words, "Ah, yes, yes.")
Grandpa: Nightingale-tongue. Now, (Laughs) before we know it, yes. Ah ha! Now, a pinch of GL 70. Ah ha, and now, now for the secret ingredient, (sighs) a woman's tears.
Grandpa: Gotta be mighty careful with that stuff! That's veeerrrry powerful! (We hear two drops fall into the mixture) Oh, oh, oh, can't overdo that! Yeah, now, a little of this, ah ha, and we're aaallll ready!
(Pours mixture into blender) (Turns it on) (We hear it roar) (Grandpa Laughs) (Walks over to bubbling cauldron)
Grandpa: Yes, (Laughs) Whoo! Now if this stuff turns out half as good as the batch I made for Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn will be irresistible! (Laughs)
So, here it is...
(Wolf howls in the distance)
Marilyn's Date: This is, uh, where you live?
Marilyn: Yep, this is it. Come on in and have a cup of coffee. I want you to meet my Aunt and Uncle.
Marilyn's Date: Gee, I don't know, Marilyn, uh, it's gettin' kinda late.
Marilyn: I've had such a good time, I hate to see it end.
Marilyn's Date: Well, I, uh, I guess I could walk you to the front door.
(Both get out of car and walk to the front door)
Marilyn's Date: (Whispering) What's the matter? Did you lose your keys?
Marilyn: No, I probably just left them in my other purse.
Marilyn's Date: (Whispering) Oh!
Marilyn: (Whispering) Why are you whispering?
Marilyn's Date: (Whispering) Oh, I, uh, I don't want to wake your folks.
Marilyn: Oh, don't worry about them, they're always up all night.
(Both smile)
(Marilyn gives three good knocks on the door)
(We hear heavy footsteps)
Marilyn: Someone's coming.
Marilyn: Hi, Uncle Herman!
Herman: Hello, Marilyn!
Marilyn: I forgot my key. I'd like you to meet my date, this is Jack.
(Jack flees in terror)
(He get's in his car and rushes away)
Marilyn: Oh, Uncle Herman! What's the matter with me, anyway?
(Theme music from an old Doris Day picture, plays)
(All the characters are introduced)
(Title credit flashes "My Fair Munster")
(Odd music is played)
(We see Grandpa playing checkers with a ghost buddy)
Phoebe: You're home early, dear. Have a nice time?
Marilyn: Yes, I guess so.
Phoebe: Would you like to have a little something to eat?
Marilyn: No, Thank You.
Phoebe: I have some warm Lady-Fingers in the oven.
Marilyn: No, I think I'll just go right up stairs and go to bed. Goodnight, everybody.
(Grandpa waves to Marilyn)
Marilyn: Goodnight, Uncle Herman.
Herman: Goodnight, Marilyn.
Phoebe: Goodnight, dear.
(Herman shakes head, looks at Phoebe, then they both walk away)
(Herman sees Phoebe wanted the chair by the fireplace, and offers it to her)
Phoebe: Eddie, would you come down here? I want to try this jacket on you.
(Camera swings up to Eddie on the mantle)
(We see Eddie playing with a noose)
Eddie: I won't! I won't! You can't make me! (Hisses)
(Camera swings to Grandpa)
(He shakes his head and waves his right hand)
Herman: Don't talk fresh to your mother, and stop playing with that noose!
(Camera cuts to Grandpa)
(Grandpa burns up Eddie's noose)
(Eddie looks at Grandpa with disgust)
Eddie: Leave me alone! Don't touch me! Leave me alone! (Hisses) Don't touch me! Lemme, lemme go! Don't touch me!
Eddie: You never let me have any fun! I'm gonna hold my breath, and turn myself back into a toad!
(Camera pans to Grandpa and Herman)
Eddie: You're always pickin' on me too! You never talk that way to Marilyn!
Phoebe: Just never-you-mind about Marilyn! Now you must remember that she's not as fortunate as the rest of us.
Phoebe: Try this jacket on!
Eddie: I won't! I hate it! It's sissy!
Phoebe: Alright, then you're gonna go right upstairs and get into bed! And don't forget to close the lid!
(Eddie claws at Phoebe)
(He goes to his room)
Grandpa: Ahhh, spunky kids! I wish Marilyn had some of that spunk!
Herman: Hmph! Marilyn! Hmph!
Phoebe: I hope you're not gonna start that again, Herman!
Herman: Well, she's your niece, you know! She's your sister's kid! There's nobody on my side of the family, that ever looked like that!
Phoebe: Well, it's just one of those unfortunate things. All the more reason for us to go out-of-our-way and show her all the love and affection we can! Poor dear!
Grandpa: I wish she'd get married! We could use some fresh blood in this family!
Herman: Well, if you ask me, it's at least partly her own fault. There's no reason for a girl to have to look the way she does. I'm sure there's something you can do to make her a little more presentable. You could show her how to walk, how to talk, show her how to fix herself up a little bit. Say, listen, why don't you send her to that man who does your hair?
Phoebe: Well, I don't think that would do any good. He's just a beautician, he's not a miracle-man.
Herman: Well, if you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever!
Phoebe: Me? If I don't do something about it soon? Well, I always have to do something about it! It's me always me!
Herman: It's enough I have to go out and scare-up the rent everyday!
Phoebe: You think you're the only one who works hard? Ha! Well, how would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon, everyday?
Herman: Now you can't expect me to do anything about Marilyn! What do I know about young girls? Do I look like I went to charm school?
Grandpa: Will you stop this bickering! There's enough noise in here to wake the living!
(Grandpa motions to his ghost buddy)
Grandpa: Your move!
(The ghost buddy moves his checker)
(Grandpa moves his checker and starts to laugh)
Phoebe: Grandpa, we've got to think about Marilyn's future! You don't want her to end up an old maid?
(Grandpa hits his hand on the table)
Grandpa: Alright! (Motions to his ghost buddy) Excuse me!
Grandpa: I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it!
Herman: What could you do?
Grandpa: None of your business! Just leave it to me!
Phoebe: I hope you're not gonna do anything, uh, wrong.
Grandpa: Would I?
(Grandpa walks to the center of the room. He pushes the carpet aside, and opens the trap door)
(Smoke billows everywhere)
Herman: (Coughing) I... I... I... I thought Grandpa was gonna get a fan down there?
Grandpa: Igor? (Laughs) Igor? Igor? (Laughs) I thought I told you to wait in the dungeon? (Igor squeaks) Igor? (Sighs) There's no rest for the wicked!
Grandpa: (Grandpa walks down the stairs) (Igor squeaks impatiently) Not now, Igor!
(Grandpa flips a couple switches, and lights his cigar)
Grandpa: Ah! This will never work! War Surplus!
(Flicks cigar ashes in boiling pot)
(Waves to hanging lamp, lamp goes on)
Grandpa: Now let me see. Ah ha! Now! Uh, poison apples, poison bananas, poison pineapples, poison fruit salads. Poisons? Poisons? Why are you showing me poisons? Potions, I said potions! I mean, don't you understand English!
(Waves hands hysterically)
Grandpa: Ha ha! Now! That's more like it! Potions! Ants, baldness, Communists, crabgrass, crabgrass potion. Oh, that makes a wonderful crabgrass! Measles, mosquitoes, warts, the plague. Oh, there's just no demand for this stuff anymore! Let me see, where is that love potion? Nah, ah, ha ha, ha ha! Here it is! "The loveable potion." "If thou wouldst inspire devotion, sleight thy thirst, with this rare potion." "To have the lover of thy choosing, shake the bottle well, eh, using."
Grandpa: Shake the bottle well? Oh, I shutter to think what would happen if this fell into scrupulous hands!
Grandpa: "First, sift in a cup of powdered whale heart." (Turns around and says, "Now whale heart.") Ah ha! Yes! Whale heart! Ah ha. (Begins to mix the ingredients) Now, "One teaspoon of Nightingale-tongue."
(Points to other table)
(Mutters the words, "Ah, yes, yes.")
Grandpa: Nightingale-tongue. Now, (Laughs) before we know it, yes. Ah ha! Now, a pinch of GL 70. Ah ha, and now, now for the secret ingredient, (sighs) a woman's tears.
Grandpa: Gotta be mighty careful with that stuff! That's veeerrrry powerful! (We hear two drops fall into the mixture) Oh, oh, oh, can't overdo that! Yeah, now, a little of this, ah ha, and we're aaallll ready!
(Pours mixture into blender) (Turns it on) (We hear it roar) (Grandpa Laughs) (Walks over to bubbling cauldron)
Grandpa: Yes, (Laughs) Whoo! Now if this stuff turns out half as good as the batch I made for Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn will be irresistible! (Laughs)