Favorite Roseanne sarcastic remarks

[TGFNickAtNite]

I started a similar thread with the Golden Girls with Dorothy since I believe she had some the funniest sarcastic remarks. Roseanne, Darlene & Jackie had some of the best too.

Here's what i can remember from memory. If any is incorrect let me know! Have fun!

Roseanne: (regarding Jackie being oblivious about the lack of elecricity in the house) "We don't have any lights, but we now know the speed of stupid."

Roseanne: (regarding Darlene's beliefs and refusal to serve loose meat sandwiches in the Landford Daze) "So you got convictions, just shut up about 'em!"

Becky: "You have such a big mouth"
Darlene: ".and you have such a small chest."

Darlene: "Becky! Zippy's on the phone!...so Mark, did you dial the phone yourself, or did your daddy help you?....Aww now that's not very nice. Do you use that same dirty mouth to kiss my sister"
Becky: "Darlene gimme the phone."
Darlene: "Let me say goodbye. <BURP>"

Beverly: "Darlene maybe you should get pointers from you sister since she's so popular:
Darlene: "Well if she's so popular, ask which one of us got felt up" (smiling saracastically)
Roseanne: "Darlene, leave the table."
Darlene: "Yeah, I knew that would do it."

(calling Auntie Barbara regarding the passing of their father)
Jackie: "I can't do this, I'm supposed to be in mourning!"
Roseanne: "Then wear a veil over head while you're doing it!"

Jackie: "Hello auntie barbara, I have some bad news,...dad is not with us anymore.....He's past away.....past away........dad's dead....he's DEAD!..DEAD!!!.....NO, DEAD!!!!.....DAD!!!!!! He's fine! He sends his love! I am not going to do that anymore, you can't make me!

Jackie: "I got flabby arm, and pelican neck. My house plants are all dead and no one loves me, but who cares anyway cause everything in my life sucks!!"

and also the episode "Inherit the Wind" there wasn't any dialogue when Becky's watching tv and Darlene see's her and pretends to be all nice, then lets out a raspberry.

[db108108]

Thanks for bringing back some memories!

I love the quote about the veil, it's such a throwaway line that the audience really didn't laugh at (if you watch the episode), but it's so damned hilarious.

Don't forget when Leon's insulting Roseanne at the restauarant and he adds "no offense."

Roseanne: "None taken you balding albino idiot."

[Saiyan ChiChi]

Darlene: You think we dont get your corny little sex jokes?

Roseanne: You kids are our corny little sex jokes.

[cjmg85]

LOL, I forgot about that one. "I'll get the wand".

Not really sarcastic, but brilliant (and funny) as hell:

Roseanne: "...By the way, Darlene, I heard that you and David got back together agian."
Darlene: "What? How did you find out?"
Roseanne: "You just told me!"

[Superbatboy]

Darlene: How did you find out she was a lesbian?

Roseanne: I saw the big I'm a big fat dike bumper sticker on the back of her car

[TGFNickAtNite]

From the epidode: "Less Is More"

Nurse: "Have a seat Mrs. Conner, the doctor will be here in a minute."

Roseanne: "Thank you DeAnn"

Jackie: "So, what'd he say?"

Roseanne: "Well he said put your clothes on, I'm done, you know like any man."


From the episode: "The Back Story"

Becky: "They moved me up to the express line"

Jackie: "That's Great!"

Becky: "Yeah right, all I do is count to ten."

Darlene: "Don't wear mittens, it will slow you down"

[Nanny Fine]

There are SO SO many of them but here is one of them:

Becky: Kiss my butt Darlene!
Darlene: Well haul it on over here jumbo!

[Tyler77]

Dan (to Roseanne): You mean you're getting your tubes tied?
Roseanne: No, I'm going to have my knees sewn together!

(In an episode taped after her "National Anthem" fiasco:)
Roseanne: Today is such a nice day that I feel like singin'!

Roseanne: We're so screwed it would take 50 million light years from the light from screwed to reach the Earth!

[sniffmagikmarkrs]

cjmg i love that quote.... lol

Darlene: David we're through, i'm breaking up with you
David: Gee, can we still not have sex?


(Roseanne burst into the basement where darlene and david are reading on the bed)
Roseanne: Aha i knew it you guys ARE having sex
Darlene: David why didn't you tell me i would have put my book down

[TGFNickAtNite]

Darlene: "Becky I can't see the tv"
Becky: "Too bad"
Darlene: "Well we got a 19 inch tv and you got a 25 inch butt"


Darlene: "You said David wasn't gonna be around."
Roseanne: "Oh, I thought you meant David Cassidy."

[hughpuppies]

Roseanne: Go ahead and eat that peanut butter and give yourself another heart attack you fat cow.

Dan: You calling me fat? Yes I am well if that isn't calling the kettle black.

Roseanne: You calling me fat?

Dan: Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.

[cjmg85]

To correct the above quote, after Roseanne says that thing to Dan about giving hisself another heart attack, Dan say:

"Well if that ain't the big fat pot calling the kettle black"

Roseanne: "You better not be calling me fat"

Dan: "fat, fat, fat, fat, fat"

At least that's how I remembered it to be. :)

[TGFNickAtNite]

Darlene (To Roseanne): "You have such a big mouth."
Roseanne: "No, I don't"
(Pause)
Roseanne: (yells LOUDLY) BECKY!!!!!

[brainlesschild09]

in response to the fat one, it was:

Roseanne: you better not be callin ME fat
Dan: Well thats what I'm doin: FAT! FAT! FAT FAT!
Roseanne and Dan: FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT!

[TGFNickAtNite]

Darlene: I got like fifty bucks you can borrow back...
Becky: So what's in it for you?
Darlene: Well, I lend you the money, interest-free, and then when I'm 16, we'd share the car
Becky: You'd think I'd share a car with you? No way.
Darlene: Well then forget, Junior Miss can take the bus till she's 40.

[Brent88]

Originally posted by brainlesschild09
in response to the fat one, it was:

Roseanne: you better not be callin ME fat
Dan: Well thats what I'm doin: FAT! FAT! FAT FAT!
Roseanne and Dan: FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT!

I love that! LOL!

:rofl: